A/N: Just a story I wrote about Susan after her siblings' death. Sorry for my bad English ;)
Regular – Present
Bold – Susan's memories
Hope you like it
Please review 

Can't feel you

"Mum said she and Dad would be here by five o'clock, Pete," Susan said. "Will you come? We haven't seen them for ages."
Peter wasn't looking directly in her eyes.
"I don't know if we're going to make it till five," he answered carefully. "Listen, Su, I know you won't believe me, but I just have to try, you know? We got a message from Narnia. We have no idea what's going on, but we have to help."
Narnia.
The name burned a hole in her heart, as it happened every time someone mentioned the magical land.
She forced her lips into a smile and let out a faked laugh.
"You are starting to get lost in your own imagination, Peter," she said a bit coolly, building up the stone wall she used to protect herself from the big empty place in her soul where Queen Susan the Gentle used to live. "You said we weren't going to go back there, remember? So even if I believed you about the existence of such thing as Narnia, you still can't get back there."
A part of her – a very small, distant and weak part of her – still believed. This was the part who yelled in pain every time the other, bigger and stronger part tried to deny Narnia. The part of Queen Susan who was still alive, didn't like to be ignored. But it didn't matter. Susan was over those fairytales her siblings and she made up – about talking animals, fauns, dwarves and so on. She wasn't a child now, and she didn't need the Great Lion to take care of her. She could take care of herself. And she didn't realize how Peter, her older brother, could still believe in this nonsense. She knew how much he loved Lucy and how he couldn't reject her, but, for God, Lucy was a big girl now! And Peter seemed too into this Narnia thing even when Lucy wasn't around. Were they all getting crazy?
Susan had forced her memories into crawling in the darkest and furthest corner of her mind and she never called them back. Sometimes, when they couldn't stay hidden any more, they burst in her dreams and she couldn't stop them. She would talk about the Lion and Cair Paravel in her sleep, but with the sunrise, she would try to erase this memory, too.
Her caramel colored eyes tried to get to sink into Peter's blue as she waited for his answer. The smallest part of her hoped for Peter to give Susan some sort of a prove that Narnia, their Narnia, was not a fantasy.
But he couldn't fight with her stubbornness.
"I'm not talking about Edmund, Lucy, you and me. We're not going back anymore, as you well remember. But Eustace and this friend of his, Jill, they can go and see what they can do to help."
"And why do they need you? Oh, let me guess – they need Lucy to make up the story for them. She has quite an imagination."
"We have to find a way to get them there," Peter answered her question, ignoring the rest of her little speech. "And since you're the smartest…?"
The last words were meant to make her soften and she knew it very well.
"I'm so tired of listening to this old story over and over again, Pete," she said coldly. "Helping Narnia, talking about Narnia, remembering Narnia… I'm sick of it. There is not such thing as magical lands in the wardrobes, you know."
Peter finally looked directly in the eyes, his resentment written over his face. She tried not to look guilty while lying not only to her brother, but also to herself. She wasn't sick of it. This major part of her made her believed in the rest of the words she had said, but not in that. She wasn't sick of Narnia. She just felt too old to believe. Really, who would take you seriously if you tell them you once were a Queen in the wardrobe? And your people were rabbits and beavers?
She had done a good work convincing herself that Narnia was just a game they played. She had done great with pretending to have forgotten she was once Queen Susan the Gentle, the Queen of the whole world of Narnia.
She had done great job growing up.
"OK, I got it," she told her brother. "Your Narnian stuff is more important than Mum and Dad's arrival. You'll probably come and see them tomorrow, I just thought you'd want to see them tonight."
"We'll see them tomorrow," Peter repeated. "Tell them we said hello."
The plural pronoun caught her attention. She missed the times when she was in that "we". It was just a pronoun, but she knew very well what it meant when Peter's voice sounded like that. By saying "we", he meant "We, the Kings and Queens of Narnia".
"OK. Take care," Susan said casually.
She had a very bad presentiment burning in her heart. When her brother's eyes met hers, the blue seemed to be darker. He ran his fingers through his hair and Susan realized she'd always loved that movement. But what she didn't know was why her heart was beating so fast and why she had the feeling that Peter really needed to take care now.
She did something she hadn't done in years – she opened her arms widely and pulled her brother into a hug. He was still for a second, and then his arms came up around her waist.
Susan's head fell on Peter's shoulder. She felt the tears filling her eyes, but she couldn't tell why. He was going to be back tomorrow. Why did she have the feeling they were going to be separated for a very, very long time?
"Bye, Su," Peter said and let go of her.
"Bye, Pete," she answered. "Send my love to the others."
She watched him driving off the street until she couldn't see his car anymore.

***

Susan knocked on her parents' front door, but nobody answered, so she came in. All the lights were off and there wasn't any luggage in the hall. It was almost six o'clock; where were Mr. and Mrs. Pevensie?
"Mum?" Susan yelled. "Dad? Are you here?"
Nobody answered. Susan stepped into the dining room, but it was empty. There wasn't a smell of something tasty coming from the kitchen. The house was quiet and dark.
The bad presentiment from earlier came to overtake her again. Nobody was home although they should be. They were supposed to be, they told her to come here and promised they'd be home by five. She had waited. They were supposed to be here.
Maybe the train was late. Maybe they were stuck in a traffic jam.
Or maybe…
Susan sat down on a sofa in the empty dark living room and stayed there for a while. It was already about nine o'clock, when the phone rang.
"The Pevensies' house," Susan said.
"Who's on the phone?" a female voice asked.
"Susan Pevensie," she answered. "Who are you willing to talk to?"
"Ms. Pevensie, how are you related to Helen and Patrick Pevensie?" the female voice asked carefully.
"I'm their daughter," Susan said, a bit scared now.
The woman sighed.
"You'd better sit down," she said. "This may take a while."
Susan felt the blood going away from her head. The room was spinning before her eyes, she was frozen in horror. What was she about to hear? Her knees buckled and she fell on the sofa again.
It really took a while. The woman spent hours and hours telling her about the train accident. The train in which her parents were, had bumped into another train, which was going to Finchley from London. There were no survivors. Everyone in both trains was dead.
Susan couldn't take it in. She didn't even cry. That wasn't happening, was it? This couldn't happen. No way.
Wait a second.
"The train from London?" she said weakly. "There are no survivors in that one, too, right?"
"Right," said the woman, amazed that Susan cared about the passengers in the other train and not about her parents.
"Peter," Susan whispered.
"Excuse me?"
"Peter Pevensie," she said louder. "Edmund and Lucy Pevensie," she added. "Were they in that train, too?"
"I have no information, Ms. Pevensie," the woman said. "Are they your relatives, too?"
"My brothers and sister," Susan said. "They were going back from London tonight."
"I'll check," the woman said. "I'll call you after a few, Ms. Pevensie. Stay calm."
Silence.
Susan was still holding the speaker. The stone wall she had built for herself fell down and memories burst into her mind. All those pretty pictures from her own world – Beruna, Cair Paravel, the rivers, the meadows, everything she used to know – came to life again. And of course, Peter, Edmund and Lucy were beside her in these memories. Peter would hold her hand before the battle and would be the last one to pull back when they were about to lose. Edmund would encourage her to be brave and would cheer to every one of her arrows which hit the target. And when the fight was over, there would be Lucy – with her velvet curative touch and the juice of the fire flower. And there would be people cheering her name and the names of her siblings, and she would sit down on her throne as Queen Susan, the Gentle… beside Peter, Edmund and Lucy.
And then, back on Earth, Peter would hold her while she cried. Edmund would always be there, ready to listen, and ready to give the right advice. And Lucy, of course, Lucy, who would always understand her and cry with her, and laugh with her, Lucy would be here, too.
Peter, Edmund and Lucy… she was nothing without them. She was unable to survive without them by her side. And she… she had let them down.

"Why do you think I didn't see Aslan?" she had asked once.
"I don't know… maybe you didn't really want to," Lucy had answered.

She didn't really want to. She was too old to believe…

"Oh, stop being so stubborn, Susan! Or have you just gone mental? You surely do remember!" Edmund had yelled at her once. "Grow up!"
"That's exactly the point!" Susan had yelled back. "I've grown up! I suggest you do the same! It's high time! You're being a child, you know! Magical lands!"

She used to think she had grown up. But now she realized it was Peter, Edmund and Lucy who were really the mature ones. The ones who weren't afraid of what people would think about them. The ones who stood their ground through it all…

"You are starting to get lost in your own imagination, Peter," she had told her older brother the last time she'd seen him… the last time she would ever see him.

Stupid… Stupid, stupid, stupid…

And then a voice was heard in her head. A voice from ancient times… or from about twenty years ago…

"Once a King or Queen of Narnia, always a King or Queen."

Of course it was true. That was where her siblings were now. They were finally home. They were now where they belonged.
And she wasn't there. She didn't think she would ever go back there again. She had let Peter, Edmund and Lucy down; she had let Aslan down. And now everyone she loved – Peter, Edmund, Lucy, her mother, her father – they were all dead, and she was left here on her own.
In a world she was not made for…
"I'm sorry," Susan whispered in the speaker, as if somebody could hear her now. "I'm so sorry."
After a few seconds the woman spoke in the speaker again.
"Ms. Pevensie?" she called. "Are you still here?"
"Yes," Susan answered calmly. The moment of understanding had come. She wasn't afraid now. "What happened?"
"I'm sorry, Ms. Pevensie. Your brothers and sister were found on the train. Look, I know it's quite a shock…"
But Susan didn't listen. She just hung on the phone and sat there, too horrified even to cry… and that was where she fell asleep.
In the morning, she stood outside and waited for Peter, who was supposed to drive her to the university as usual. She waited in the rain for hours and hours, but he didn't show. Memories were all she had now.
She was trying to build up the wall again, to defense herself.

And there she was again, with Peter, Edmund, Lucy and Mrs. McReady in the cart, driving them to the Professor Kirk's house…

No. She was all alone, the rain was falling down and she was so cold, with no one to hold her. She started walking towards the station.

And there they were, sitting in one of the Professor's big rooms. Lucy asked them to play hide and seek…

No. Stop right there. Don't go any further… This game is not to be remembered, Susan told herself… but she couldn't stop the memories now. She crossed her arms in front of her chest to keep her whole and alive…

Peter, Edmund, Lucy…

And Susan, all alone in the rain.
She stepped in the big cozy waiting room of the station. There were sofas, and armchairs, and tea tables…

And Peter and Edmund, sitting on two of the stools… and a little Lucy, lying on the big sofa…

No. There was only Susan, standing at the door of the waiting room, needing her most beloved ones so badly.

The four of them were waving goodbye to their mother, who was smiling sadly on the platform…

But it was just a train, with kids Susan didn't know, waving at people she hadn't met before, and her mother was nowhere to be seen.

Peter was holding her hand, and Lucy was snuggling closely to her, and Edmund stood terrified a few steps behind, listening to the sound of someone walking in the snow between the Narnian trees…

And that was exactly where she'd lost it.

She was standing there, with her bow and her set of arrows, with Edmund, who didn't seem to be afraid at all. Lucy was there, too, smiling at something only she could see. And Peter was also here, with his sword out and his blue eyes firm.
And then there was Aslan, telling them that the White Witch wasn't about to hurt Edmund. And they were happy, holding hands, hugging each other… together…

Susan couldn't feel them any longer. She was alone in the rain, she didn't have a clue what she was supposed to do next, and there was no one who could show her the right way.

And again, there they were, Peter, Lucy and herself, and Mr. and Mrs. Beaver, walking towards Aslan's camp…

No, there was only herself, looking sadly towards the window of the station's waiting room…
There was a small long-haired girl outside the station, on the beach. For a moment there Susan thought it was Lucy, twelve-year-old Lucy, one of the last memories she had of Lucy in Narnia… Losing her mind for a second, Susan ran to the beach, willing to take her sister in her arms and ask for forgiveness, and tell her how much she loved her…
But she had never seen this girl – it wasn't Lucy.

But Susan saw her sister again, running back and forth on the Narnian beach, walking towards the sea till her knees were under the water… smiling and laughing… and Peter and Edmund, playing in the water… and Susan herself, at sixteen, having fun with them…

No. She was alone on the English beach, people would probably consider her crazy and she was probably about to miss the train, but she didn't care. She was alone in this, so did people's opinion matter at all?
Sadly and slowly, she walked to the station, but didn't go into the waiting room again. She just stood in the rain, the protective wall was torn down and memories was all she could see…

Peter took his sword out to protect her and Lucy from the wolves of the White Witch…

No, Peter wasn't here, she was alone and nobody was going to save her from this… He was nowhere to be seen, and the feeling of safety was gone with him. Her brave older brother wasn't about to come with his sword out and save her life… because he had lost his own.

Edmund was walking towards them, and she was happy to see him safe and sound after he had been a prisoner of the White Witch for so many days…

But Edmund wasn't safe and sound, Edmund wasn't even alive now. And no one could make her fears crawl back to where they'd come from… it was something only Edmund's words could do. And Edmund was not here.

Lucy's arms wrapped around her neck, giving her the comfort she needed in the middle of the war…

No one could comfort her now. Lucy wasn't there to stop the tears from falling down from Susan's eyes and mix with the rain, because these tears were for Lucy, for the fact she would never ever comfort her older sister when she needed her so much.
They were a part of her. Peter, Edmund and Lucy… she couldn't survive without them.
A voice was calling for her. She couldn't recognize it; she wasn't sure she could recognize anything now. And she couldn't see the person who was calling through the tears and the rain.
"Susan?" the voice yelled once again.
"Peter," she whispered without giving it a thought. Yes, it was Peter, he had come to save her again as he always did…
"No, it's me", someone's arms caught her and held her trembling torso. She couldn't even say if it was a man's or a woman's voice.
"Edmund," she whispered again. It had to be Edmund, who was here to tell her not to be afraid, to keep her sane…
"No, Susan, it's me," the voice said gently in her ear.
"Lucy," was the answer. Of course it was Lucy, she would comfort her older sister again, when she needed someone to be there and wipe away her tears.
"Su, it's me. Chris. I'm here."
Chris. A few seconds had to pass before Susan remembered him. Chris, her boyfriend…
He couldn't understand anything, could he? But at least he could hold her now, and she was happy to have this little bit.
And suddenly, it wasn't only her family she was sad about. There was this boy, this Narnian boy with blond hair and smiling green eyes, who she had forgotten through the years…
Edien.
The sound of his name popped in her head without any warning. Chris' arms were still around her, but it was the sound of her brother's voice who she was hearing now…

"Don't tell me Queen Susan has fallen in love!" Edmund had laughed at her back then, still in their world. "I'm telling you, it's not possible! You said you didn't want to mess with boys anytime a Prince or King came to ask you out, and then… Edien! He's a soldier, for Aslan's mane!"
"Oh, you are one to talk," Susan had laughed back. "Or do you think I haven't notice how do you stare at that landlady in whose house you "sleep over" so frequently?"
Edmund had blushed.
"Sarrina has nothing to do with that," he said and his smile suddenly disappeared.
"O, Sarrina! She has a nice name, hasn't she? What have you been doing during these visits of yours? I don't think you have just been talking…"

A smile appeared on her lips – not a real smile of happiness, she would never smile like this again. It was just a shadow of the smile of Queen Susan, the Gentle.

"Come on, Susan, I know your dirty little secret," Peter had teased her. "Is this why you don't want to marry this Calormen Prince?"
"I don't know what you're talking about! I don't think any sensible woman would want to marry that creature!"
"Yes, it's true," Peter had laughed. "But still. I saw you with Edien last night. Down by the lake. What were you guys doing?"
"Err… go figure. We were just going out for a walk."
"Yeah, sure."

She had wished they would stop with their laughing every time she walked into a room with Edien. Well, now she got it. They had stopped.
And now she wished they would tease her about it again… but they would never. They had stopped teasing her about Edien a long, long time ago. She could still consider herself a Queen then. It was during her last time in Narnia, when they realized that everyone they new – including Edien – had died ages before that.
She remembered how Lucy would always try to stop Peter and Edmund from teasing Susan. But they would never listen. "Boys", Lucy would say desperately, and Susan would laugh with her.
But now, she would never laugh with her little sister again. She had lost her, and she had lost Peter and Edmund, too. She had lost everything.

"Look at you, huh?" Susan had smiled. "I have never seen you staring at a boy the way you stare at Caspian… Seems like you're all grown up now, Lu, doesn't it?"
Lucy hadn't answered; she had just smiled through the window at Peter, Edmund and Caspian who were fooling around on their horses.

She loved to ride. They all loved to. The feeling of the wind in your hair was something that could not compare to anything else. Lucy was always the best; she knew how to make her horse go faster than the wind or how to make it stop. She always knew what to say and everyone, absolutely everyone, was listening to her… well, excluding her own brothers.

"You've lost hope," Polly Plummer had said the only time Susan had met her. "I can see it in your eyes. You are now at the age you, Earth people, would call mature. But it is not maturity, Susan. Believe me, dear; I've been through this period. It was Diggory who made me truly grow up and believe. You should listen to your family, before it's too late."

Well, she had been right. It was already too late, and Susan didn't know how she could have stopped what happened. Probably she couldn't have stopped it, but she could've been there with them. But there was a small possibility that she could have done something…

"We could never know what could have happened, dear one," Aslan had said. And of course, He had been right. He was always right.

"I know what it's like, Su," a voice said in her ear.
Chris. She had forgotten he was still there with her.
"How could you possibly know what it's like?" she asked, and the sanity of her voice amazed even herself.
"My mother died when I was about six years old," he answered. "I… It was very hard for me. But I survived, right?"
"I'm sorry for your mother," Susan said honestly. "But it's not just my mother; it's my entire family, Chris. My Mum, and my Dad, and Peter… you know, I am so used to the fact I can always rely on them. Especially Peter…"
He wouldn't understand, but at least he would listen and wipe away the tears, falling down of her eyes.
"You don't know what it's like… my siblings and I… we were very close… you wouldn't understand."
"Why do you think I wouldn't? I have a sister, too."
"Yeah, I know, but… look, it's not just that. We've been through so much together, Peter, Lucy, Edmund and I. They've risked their lives so many times for me, and I've risked mine… you wouldn't believe it even if I told you."
"I'm so sorry, Su."
She snuggled in his arms, pressing her forehead to his hard chest.
"You know, if there was a way for me to go back… if only there was a way, I wouldn't hesitate now."
"Go back where?" Chris asked in confusion.
But Susan had forgotten about his presence again.

Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy were riding through the forest, seeking for a beautiful white stag which was said to make wishes come true…

If only she could have a wish now, it wouldn't be money or eternal youth. She wouldn't want to be beautiful or to have a good career. All she would wish for would be to be with Peter, Edmund and Lucy again.
Her wish would be to meet them in Narnia… the world she was made for.
"If You just show me a way to get back, I will," she whispered. "If You just let me in… despite everything I've said and done. I'm pretty sure it's quite unforgivable, but… forgiveness is not something I am very familiar with."
"Su, what are you talking about?" Chris asked, horrified. He thought his girlfriend was going crazy. And probably she really was.
People walked pass them and stared at them. They were all wondering what the couple was doing on the platform, why the girl was crying or why she wasn't paying attention to her boyfriend… but nobody could know what was going on inside her.

***

"Susan, please, try not to be late tomorrow. You know we have a very important case, don't you?
"Wait a second, what was the tomorrow case?" she stuttered, as she was collecting the sheets of paper from the desk.
"Susan!" he said, irritated, and his fingers pattered on the desk.
"Sorry!" she exclaimed. "To be honest, I'm on my last nerve here! Chris might be discharged soon, Carl is in the crazy teen phase, Emma is growing teeth, my pregnancy is not the best ever, even if I'm only in the second month, I have to do all this paperwork, and this new girl, she's really not helping me, so I have to do her job, too… I'm sorry I can't remember the exact date of each and every case!
"Okay, okay," the boss said, as if to defend himself; he knew well from his experience that he should not mess with Susan when she's pregnant. "It's about some engine-driver; his cased has been delayed again and again for ages, remember? Just try to be here on time, okay? And don't wear these shoes, they are way too high, the judge won't be able to think, you know him.
"Fine," she snorted, grabbed her purse and rushed out of the office.
Even if her life wasn't perfect, it was quite wonderful. Her boss was a nice guy, cheerful, understanding and tolerating. As a lawyer, Susan was paid more money than her family ever had before. Her husband, Chris, worked in the factory, and he was well-paid, too. They had two gorgeous kids – thirteen-year old Carl, and little Emma, who was almost two. And now Susan was pregnant with another little one. The only thing that darkened her days was the beautiful collage of photos on the wall of her study at home. There were photos of a handsome blond-haired boy, who looked older and older on every photo, until he became a man; there were also pictures of a dark-haired boy, who was obviously younger; and photos of a pretty blond girl, who was no older than eighteen on the last photo. On some of the photos, there was Susan, holding one of her brothers or her little sister…
On the next day she appeared at the courtroom, breathless, but on time, with shoes without heels. She wasn't going to defend anyone today; she was just representing the bureau.
The judge told the story of the accident, which happened about fourteen years ago on the railway London-Finchley… Susan wasn't really paying attention, until she saw a familiar photo. She could not recognize the girl, but there was something so familiar about her… Susan felt sick.
After a few pictures, she saw a boy who she definitely knew. Even though there was a huge wound on his forehead and his nose was broken, Edmund was watching her from the screen with wide eyes and no light in them. She suddenly figured out who the disfigured girl was…
She felt dizzy. She grabbed the seat so she would not fall on the floor. The whole courtroom was spinning before her eyes – except for the screen.
There were some more unfamiliar faces, and then she saw Peter. There was a little blood on his blond hair and a few scratches on his chin, but except for that, her older brother looked as if he was just asleep…
The world suddenly seemed to be upside down and Susan felt the cold terracotta underneath her cheek. She could hear the voices around her.
"The woman is pregnant; she felt sick, get her out of here!"
"Be careful! Call the ambulance!"
Then she fainted.
When she woke up, hours later, in the hospital, Carl was sitting on her bed with Emma on his lap, and Chris was talking with the doctor. Susan didn't open her eyes, she just listened.
"I'm sorry, sir, but your wife has lost the baby…"
Susan passed out again.

***

"Peter?" Lucy sounded confused, as she called her brother. He turned around.
"What's wrong?"
"There is a… baby in my room," she said, still shocked. "I talked to everyone, but nobody seems to know whose it is."
"Are you alright?" Peter asked, worried about her sister's mind, and he got closer to her. "What are you talking about?"
"Peter, there's a baby in my room! A girl, without even a diaper! She seems to be newborn, and I can't remember anyone having a baby in my room recently!"
They went to Lucy's room together. And indeed, there was a little girl without a diaper, lying on the four-poster bed, waving with her little hands and crying. Lucy ran to her and held her in her arms, trying to comfort her. Peter sat down beside them.
"Doesn't she remind you of someone?" he asked.
"We should give her a name," Lucy said, ignoring his question.
"We don't know whose she is," Peter answered. "Let's wait for awhile."

***

"Baby", as they simply called her in the castle, ran to Edmund without her shoes on, and climbed to sit on his lap, ignoring the fact he was playing chess with Peter.
"You promised, Ed!" she said.
"What did I promise?" he said, not paying much attention, and he used his arm to switch her on his lap, moving his castle with the free hand.
"To take me to Beruna, don't you remember?"
"Later, baby."
She fell silent, but Peter didn't play. He was staring at the kid, who was watching the beautiful chess pieces, made from gold and crystal.
"Doesn't she remind you of Susan? Like, a lot?"
Edmund turned the baby around on his lap, so he could take a look of her.
"Yeah, she kind of does."
"She kind of does? She has the same features, the same eyes, the same shape of the face, the same nose, the same smile… She looks just like Susan."
His officer took Edmund's castle.
"Well, baby, I think it's time for you to have a name," Edmund said calmly. "Shah."
„You're thinking about naming her Susan, aren't you?" Peter asked.
"Well, do you mind?"
Peter stared at the child again. Caramel-coloured eyes, wavy hair… She couldn't remind him of his lost sister more.
"Well, Susan then," he smiled. "Shah and mat."