Prologue

"Special Edition: With Commentary!"

The viewer's entire field of view is obscured and dim, but one can still make out at least two voices, one older male and the other a slightly younger female. Also heard are the faint hum of the camera as well as faint curses from the female as she tries to figure out why the apparatus appears not to be working.

Kotori. Tell me again, Pervert-sama, how I got dragged into this?

Jiraiya. You said something about keeping the facts straight, which doesn't make sense, seeing as I never distort the truth especially where my research is concerned.

Kotori. (muttering) Now we all know that's a load of crap… (a thump as she hits the side of the camera, and a protesting sound from Jiraiya) Either that, or it's a lame attempt to expand your sales, as opposed to limiting them to the sexually-deprived male customer.

Jiraiya. Actually, you're right on that one. Hopefully after I finish this, my work will be more accessible to all. (pause) Are those new pants, Kotori-san?

Kotori. If you're staring at my ass again… (leaves the thought unfinished)

Jiraiya. (mock-injured) You're bending over right in front of me. How could I not notice?

Kotori. You really are begging to become an organ donor in the near future, aren't you.

She makes a disgusted sound and there is a click as something is removed, bringing the room and its inhabitants into view. Kotori is a mid-height woman in her early thirties, her most notable features other than a startlingly revealing and quite admirable décolletage being piercing blue eyes and fiery red hair falling down her back in a braided plume. Her clothing is unremarkable, crafted in hues of gray and black with markings denoting her as a senior-ranked shinobi, and on the side of her neck and exposed left shoulder one may see a series of strange, claw-wound-like scars.

Not much has changed about Jiraiya, and even though he has aged since the viewer last saw him, it is hard to tell. He now snickers as Kotori holds up the object that had been blocking the view of the camera.

Jiraiya. Forgot to take off the lens cap, huh?

(Kotori gives the camera one last venomous look before returning to her place, sitting at a low table next to Jiraiya.)

Jiraiya. Now that we've gotten that fixed, I'd like to welcome you to the Special Edition of my latest work, "Icha-Icha Love Story," featuring commentary from myself and others who may have contributed to it in some way. As with all other volumes in the series, this one is grounded in fact, carefully researched by myself to ensure the highest degree of authenticity –

Kotori. (interjecting, disguised as a cough) Bullshit.

(Jiraiya gives her a brief, chastising look and then continues.)

Jiraiya. But this entry is unique in the fact that nothing has been altered from how it originally occurred. No names have been changed to protect the innocent, guilty, and/or squeamish, and nothing has been censored or sanitized. In this outstanding new book, I hold nothing back… (a brisk, pointed throat-clearing from Kotori) Enough with the shameless self-promotion, though. I'll start this off by introducing one of the stars – Yamataki Kotori, the lovely young lady sitting next to me. Known to her familiars as Tori-chan (Kotori visibly bristles at this remark) everything about her is as shrouded in mystery as the land of her ancestry. In addition to the notable physical assets she already possesses, it might intrigue you to know that even though she was born here in Konoha, she was raised in the Mist Village as one of their Legendary Swordsmen.

(another interjectory cough from Kotori, albeit politer this time)

Kotori. Enough already, you're giving it all away and we haven't even started yet. (brief pause, then) That brings us to our other central character. He comes from the Lightning Country, more specifically from the Village Hidden in the Clouds, and is also the inheritor of a unique bloodline which for plot purposes will not be revealed at this point. (another pause, more irritated this time, and Kotori mutters something foul under her breath) One moment, please.

(She vanishes for a minute or two, then reappears, crunching her knuckles together. Jiraiya looks up at her expectantly)

Jiraiya. Well? What's keeping him?

Kotori. Got held up at the last minute. "Official business," my foot… I'll get to him later.

Jiraiya. I see. (faces the camera with a pleasant smile) Regrettably, Yamada Taiki isn't available at the moment. He will be joining us later though, won't he, Kotori?

Kotori. (grinning evilly) Yes, he definitely will. But, without further ado, on to the story!

Jiraiya. Yes, on to the story. You were how old when this began?

Kotori. Twelve years old, closer to thirteen.

Jiraiya. And you were returning to Konoha, the village of your birth, from your training in the Mist Village. Care to elaborate on why you waited so long to come back?

Kotori. (poker-faced) You'll find out soon enough.

Jiraiya. (laughs) All right then. So here we have it, the first chapter of the epic tale that is "Icha-Icha Love Story", or as some of its fans have come to call it, "Diamonds and Dynamite." Sit back, relax, and enjoy! I'm sure I will…