Past Mistakes
Chapter One - Memories
The Diary of Jordan Hoyt
March 27th 2006
Dear Diary,
Running. I've been running for three years. Running from the past, I suppose. Running from the past, from the present, from the future. The future we might have had. The future we should have had. Too bad that'll never happen now. Not after what happened back in Boston…
I have his name. I took it a few months before…before I had to leave. Jordan Cavanaugh doesn't exist anymore. Some would say she was never actually real to start with. I'm Jordan Hoyt now, and I shall stay that way, unless something happens. I don't know if he still sees me as his wife anymore. I haven't been in touch with him…the last email I got from anyone in my old life was over a year ago, before I moved again. No one from Boston knows where I am now, and I suppose I should keep it that way. Its better this way…but I still miss them all.
Maybe I should go back. See if anyone cleared my name. See if anyone still cares enough to try. I know Nigel would, but would Woody? Does he even give a damn anymore? Sometimes I wonder…I wonder if he moved on. I know I didn't. I never will. I guess I'd have to go back to Boston to find out.
I've been in this apartment for three months. It's the longest I've ever stayed anywhere, in one place, since I've been on the run. I've had to move around so much that I've lost count of the places I've stayed in. Mostly, they've been hotels, inns, motels in the…questionable parts of town…very rarely has it been an actual apartment. I don't have very much in the way of material things, just my guitar and a couple of suitcases filled with clothes and…memories. I am not proud of the things I've had to do. I never will be, but they had to be done, nonetheless.
This place is so empty. In that respect, it is similar to my heart. Empty of everything…empty of any feeling at all. God, how I miss the people from my old life…I miss them so much. I feel so…incomplete without them. I don't really know how to put this. I was never really good at the whole get-your-feelings-out-into-the-open-because-its-not-healthy-to-keep-everything-bottled-up thing. Feelings are definitely not my forte. I suppose I have gotten better at then I used to be, but it still feels unnatural, opening up like this. It probably always will…
Not many people know this (except my morgue family) but I had a daughter. Her name was Serena. Serena Emily Cavanaugh Hoyt. She was a gorgeous little baby, with my dark hair and Woody's brilliant blue-grey eyes. She…died. A few months after she was born. She was in the hospital, because she had breathing trouble. She was such a bubbly little baby…so adorable. Anyways, she had an asthma attack and…it killed her…I suppose it was better that it happened in a hospitals, where there were lots of doctors to make sure she had a fighting chance. I'm a doctor, dammit! I should have been able to save her! One minute she was there, and the next…she was gone. I guess I have my own little angel now, don't I? I don't remember much of the funeral, just. Just lowering her tiny coffin into the cold, hard ground, and sobbing into Woody's chest as he held me. It was four years ago now, before Woody and I got married, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I've gone to visit her…grave, and my mother's, but I always have to go in secret…
I think I need to go back. I need closure. I need to know the truth. Or find it. But either way, I need to go back to where it all started. Back to Nigel and Lily and Bug and Garrett. And Woody, of course. Back to the only family I've ever known.
Home.