The Comedy of Errors
Chapter 1: New Beginnings
I don't own Danny Phantom, The Catcher in the Rye, "Ride of the Valkyries," or Men in Black.
Danny Fenton ran down his front steps on a clear September morning while trying to get his arm into his jacket and eat a slice of toast at the same time. It was the first day of grade eleven, he was ten minutes behind schedule, and for once it hadn't (technically) been a ghost.
He quickly realized that even a full-out run wouldn't get him to school on time and dove into an alley. After a brief flash of light, Danny Phantom, Danny's ghostly alter ego, was airborne and accelerating towards the school, mentally cursing himself for not thinking of this sooner. He arrived at the school just as the warning bell rang and turned back to human in the janitor's closet nearest his locker. He burst out, adjusting his backpack, and hit a thin, balding man he didn't recognize. They both blinked at each other for a moment, and then Danny mumbled an apology and slipped past him, red-faced.
A black-haired, black-clad girl approached him at his locker and smirked.
"Smooth entrance, Danny."
He glared at her, but not very angrily. His clumsiness was a constant source of amusement for the goth, mostly due to all the embarrassing and awkward situations he found himself in because of it. He didn't want her gloating on top of everything else today.
"Bad morning?" the girl, Sam Manson, asked sympathetically.
"No. It was perfect, except for having to hold my intangible father for half an hour so he didn't sink into the ground." He dumped the contents of his bag into his locker, grabbed a few sheets of paper and a pen, and slammed the door. "Where's Tucker?"
"Doing recon on Faluka. He's the new vice-principal."
"Great. Now, what class do I have again?" He pulled a crumbled paper from the pocket of the khakis he'd bought after his growth spurt that summer and studied it. "English. Guess I'll be meeting Lancer's replacement first thing."
"I've got biology," she groaned. "See ya at lunch!" They parted ways just as the second, and final, bell for class rang. Danny cursed under his breath and sped up.
He entered the English classroom a minute later and stopped dead, as did the thin, balding man standing at the front of the room introducing himself. The man spoke first.
"Ah. So you'd be Danny Fenton, would you?" The man's tone of voice suggested that he'd already heard a lot about the black-haired boy and most of it wasn't good. Add that to his recent collision with Danny, and it was obvious that the ghost-boy had started out on the wrong foot. Danny groaned internally.
"Uh, yes, sir. I forgot my combo. Sorry."
The teacher rolled his eyes. "Just sit."
Danny sat and tried to pay attention to the preliminary lecture about expectations and behaviour, but he soon found his mind wandering. He jerked to attention when a novel was dropped unceremoniously on his desk, and the rest of the class laughed at his reaction. The teacher glared at Danny, who pretended to look at the book in interest. The Catcher in the Rye. Joy. His sister, Jazmine, loved it, which meant that it would probably be filled with "meaningful themes" and "real-life issues."
I can't wait, thought Danny. Hey! Maybe she'll tell me the plot so I won't have to read it!
Jazz, as she was known to everyone, was starting her first year at Yale, majoring in psychology. Danny had spent the weekend helping her move into her dorm room and trying not to lose his lunch from his father's driving. She'd promised him that she would still play a supporting role in Team Phantom via e-mail, and Danny was comforted by the thought, despite his memories of the first time she'd tried to help him fight ghosts. Jazz's psychoanalysis of the spirits he fought had proved invaluable over the last year, after he told his parents his secret and Team Phantom had doubled in size. Outwardly Jazz was a somewhat reluctant participant, but Danny personally thought she enjoyed it. He'd never had the guts to confront her about it, though.
Team Phantom was the name Danny had given to the network of ghost hunters that he was the main public front for. It had expanded greatly over the two years that Danny had been half-ghost, and now included Jack, Maddie, and Jazmine Fenton; Sam and Tucker, the original Team; Valerie Gray, a former enemy of Danny's; and William Lancer a.k.a. Will Spirit, a ghost hybrid who had been created a little less than a year ago and who used to be an English teacher at Danny's school.
Danny's mind eventually wandered back to the lecture, where the teacher was explaining the basic themes of their first novel. He forced himself to pay attention for a while, but then began daydreaming again. Finally, the class was over and Danny stood up with the rest of his classmates, pulling his schedule out of his pockets. He didn't have a chance to glance at it, though, before the teacher spoke.
"Danny, may I have a word?"
The sixteen-year-old approached the desk at the front of the room nervously. The man leaned on his desk and looked at him.
"I had a visit from your old English teacher this weekend, Danny. He told me about your situation."
"He did?" The question came out too high-pitched and Danny fought to regain his composure. He knew Lancer hadn't told his new teacher about Danny's real situation, so he needed to know whatever lie Lancer had come up with. It hadn't even crossed his mind that Lancer might do something like that.
Gee, thanks, Will. Coulda warned me, he thought, slightly miffed, then continued aloud with a tense, "What did he tell you?"
"That your parents are ghost hunters and take you out with them almost every night to carry on the family business, so you don't have a lot of time for homework, or sleep for that matter." The teacher sighed. "He asked me to be lenient with you, and I will be, within reason. I do expect assignments to be turned in and for you to at least attempt to stay awake in my class, however. Is that understood?"
"Yes, Mr. uhhh..." Danny realized he didn't know the man's name.
"Spears," the teacher provided scathingly. He continued, "I also want you to know that I can sympathize with you, having parents obsessed with something that doesn't exist. It must be really tough for you to humour them."
Danny sighed. Might as well get him used to the idea before someone attacks the school.
"Ghosts are real, sir. I've seen them."
Mr. Spears raised his eyebrows. "So, loyal to your parents even behind their backs, eh? I expect they're very proud."
"They are, sir. I caught a ghost last night, without any help." Yeah, last night and almost every other night for the last two years...
"Really." It was clear that the English teacher didn't believe him.
Oh well, thought Danny, guess he'll learn the hard way like everyone else. "I'd, uh, better get to my next class, Mr. Spears. Thanks for supporting me."
"Not so fast, Danny. You have study hall. In this room. With me."
Crud.
Someone in the doorway yelled, "Danny!" and the boy in question turned to see a tall African-American boy wearing a red beret come into the room. The newcomer continued with "You're in my study hall? Sweet!" and high-fived Danny. Then he noticed the man standing by the desk and offered a hand.
"You must be Mr. Spears. I'm Tucker Foley, a friend of Danny's."
"I gathered that," Spears said flatly, looking at Tucker's hand in distaste.
Tucker looked questioningly at Danny, who said, "I think he's been warned about us. We'd better claim our seats before someone else does."
Tucker and Danny went to the back of the class where they would be out of earshot and safely ignored once more people entered the room. They sat down and held an animated but whispered discussion as the classroom gradually filled.
"What's he been told?"
"I get dragged out every night by my parents to go ghost hunting. He's obviously heard stuff about us from the other teachers too, but I don't know what. How was the weekend?"
"Pretty quiet. There was a duck at the lake, a pig at that butcher's shop downtown, and Desiree made a cameo again. Spirit got her ten minutes after she got out. You?"
"Jazz went ballistic trying to get everything organized in her room, Dad used the Fenton Sprayer to look for ghosts and ended up getting Jazz's bedding soaked, they all had a big cry, no one there seems to think we're too crazy, and I gave Jazz the Box Ghost as a goodbye present."
"So that's why we didn't see him this weekend. She is seriously gonna kill you," Tucker added jokingly. Danny grinned.
"I know. He" Danny indicated Mr. Spears, "doesn't believe in ghosts, by the way. Thinks my parents are deluded."
"Five bucks says that doesn't last the day."
"Deal." The boys shook on it as the bell for class rang. Mr. Spears got up from his desk and began role call. Halfway through, Danny began "coughing" and a fierce wailing began to come over the PA system.
"Ride of the Valkyries! What is that noise?" yelled the teacher.
"It's the ghost alarm system!" someone cried. "We have to evacuate."
Even though he seriously doubted that there actually was a ghost in the school, simply because ghosts didn't exist, Spears still knew the protocol for alarms and was quick to enact it. He centered himself and announced in an even voice, "All right, everyone, please stay calm and follow me in a orderly fashion."
The students obeyed and he led them outside, where they formed a group near the front steps. Spears looked around for Danny, figuring that he would be most likely to know what was going on. He couldn't find the boy anywhere and when he thought about it, Danny had been missing since they left the classroom. He must have gotten separated from the group in the hallway. Spears went over to Tucker instead, as the second-best bet.
"What happens now?"
"The local ghost hunters should be here shortly to deal with the ghost," the boy told him. "All we have to do is stay here and wait." And cover for Danny, as usual. I wonder who it is this time.
"I take it this is routine?" the teacher asked.
"Yes sir," Tucker answered. "At least once a week."
"Once a week? Isn't that a little excessive for drills? Surely everyone knows how to deal with an 'attack' by now?" Spears' voice was rich with shock and panic. Tucker let out a resigned sigh.
"The alarm only goes off when there is an attack, sir. It's to keep us safe. We don't have drills."
"Are you trying to tell me that there's a ghost in the school right now?" Spears asked incredulously. And that ghosts attack this place on a regular basis? As if I'm ever going to believe that line. Does the whole town believe this nonsense?
"Ye- no. It's left the school now. See?" Tucker pointed to where a bulky grey figure had just been thrown out of the building onto the roof. Spears squinted at it. He'd never seen anything like it before, but the black figure that followed it was definitely humanoid, even though it looked like it was floating above the roof.
Trick of the light, Spears thought. That's impossible.
The black "ghost" successfully dodged a round of blasts from the other figure while firing some of his own back, and everyone watching the fight cheered. A few girls who Spears assumed were in the A-list due to their clothing started chanting "Phantom, Phantom" and soon almost everyone in the crowd had joined in, including, he noted in amusement, a few of the teachers. Spears looked around for Tucker, only to realize that he too had disappeared. Now in a slight panic because he was losing students right, left, and center, he did another role call, much to the disappointment of his students. Danny and Tucker seemed to be the only people missing.
Spears forced himself calm again. All right, let's hope Tucker went looking for Danny, then. Nothing to worry about.
Tucker hadn't gone looking for Danny, since he knew that his friend was floating above the roof of Casper High fighting a ghost. He was still helping Danny, however, as he had recognized the ghost his friend was fighting as Skulker and knew that the quickest way to defeat him was to hack into the PDA in the ghost's arm. Tucker had gone a little ways from the crowds and was now about to upload a command to the ghost. He pressed a button and a moment later the larger ghost stopped firing and was seen to deflate, at least as much as a metal robot was able to do so. Then the ghost zoomed away from the building and Phantom dusted his hands dramatically. Again, the crowd cheered. Tucker simply grinned and returned to the crowd. Danny, meanwhile, disappeared above the school, flew down to behind a tree near the picnic tables, and changed back to Fenton just as the ghost alarm turned off. He ran to join the crowd heading back into the school.
Gotta remember to thank Mom again for rewiring that alarm to ignore my ectosignature. That's going to make my life so much easier now, 'cause I can slip off during evacuations without looking suspicious.
Danny made it back into the classroom slightly before Mr. Spears, but not too much before that the teacher would get suspicious of his whereabouts during the attack. Tucker came in a moment later and Danny muttered, "Thanks" as the technogeek took his seat again. Then Mr. Spears returned, looked puzzled at Danny's presence for a moment, and then began to explain his classroom policies again while the class drifted off into thoughts of the ghost attack. Since it was the first day of classes and there therefore was nothing for the students to work on, the thin teacher suggested that everyone share something about themselves so he could get to know them better. Everyone groaned, because they'd had to sit through activities like this for as long as they could remember.
After the first few rows had explained about their pets, favourite bands, and family, it was Tucker's turn. He put out a bored "I'm a technogeek" and turned the floor over to Danny, who quickly answered, "My parents hunt ghosts," since it was common knowledge to everyone in the room and so didn't betray anything about him. Spears kept cycling through students until he reached the end (it didn't take long) and then decided he should share something as well. Something that would hopefully make him seem less of a "teacher" and more of a "person" in their eyes.
"My parents claim to have been abducted by aliens."
The statement was greeted by a succession of questions ("What did they look like?" "Like out of Men in Black?" "In a UFO?") that Spears patiently answered, immediately regretting the decision to tell that particular fact. This class was not giving the reaction he normally got, which was to poke fun at his parents and similar "conspiracy theorists." He even thought he heard someone mutter, "Ghosts are cooler," but couldn't figure out who. Finally the bell rang and he could dismiss the class. He looked at Danny again as the boy was leaving and shook his head. Just as he'd heard, the boy was a mystery. He hadn't completely bought the story William Lancer had told him, but wasn't going to pry. Whatever the boy's real issues were, they had to be big if a teacher would hide them from a colleague, so Danny wouldn't want Spears to get involved.
---
At lunch, Danny and Tucker finally met up with Sam again at "their" table and started comparing stories of the morning. The boys described Lancer's replacement to Sam, who didn't have him until second term. They had a laugh that Spears would have been grateful for over the aliens thing, and warned her that the man didn't believe in ghosts. Danny also filled her in on the cover story that Lancer had come up with, so she'd be able to stick to it if questioned. Then Sam started ranting about the list of dissections she'd be doing in biology, and that led into Tucker being berated for his meat-heavy diet. Danny stopped the fight by getting them to compare their timetables for the afternoon, and it turned out that they shared history, and that Sam was in Danny's P.E. class. Then the bell rang to end lunch and the trio headed off for history.
---
Meanwhile, William Lancer was sitting in his small office on Main Street, staring out his window at the cars passing by below him and trying to get his thoughts organized. Today was the first day of his new job as head of the Educational Division of Amity Park's Ghost Education and Information Support Team, and he had no idea what to do, despite having two months in which to think about it and giving the mayor the idea in the first place.
Well, he admitted to himself, that's not entirely true. I've got the basic ideas for a lot of programs, I just have no idea how to enact any of them.
It was Lancer's responsibility to make people aware of the ghosts and the threat they posed to the town and to create a sort of harmony between the two groups, so that there wouldn't be panic as there had been. Essentially, all this was just an extension of the P.R. work he'd done for Danny as partial payment for the lessons on ghost powers, but now it was on a much larger scale. That was where he ran into problems.
Finally, he decided to write a list of ideas to see if there were any he could flesh out.
Lectures on ghosts in general (and powers), he wrote
Lectures on the most dangerous ghosts specifically.
Pamphlets explaining procedures for ghost attacks.
Talks by the Fentons on their work and research.
Getting kids to meet the friendly ghosts and learn that they're not all bad. Something to teach them the difference between the good and the bad (goes for the whole town, actually). Maybe get Casper High students involved? Some sort of contest?
He looked blankly at the paper. All those ideas were needed equally. Where to start, though? Well, everything involving children would have to wait a while until the parents were absolutely okay with the idea, so that left the public lectures and the pamphlets. He couldn't do any of those absolutely alone, and didn't have any underlings to talk things out with. The mayor hadn't been enthusiastic enough about GEIST to give Lancer staff (apart from a secretary).
Right, then. He might as well start by chatting with Helena , get to know her a little better. He'd be working with her a lot and needed to foster a relationship.
Lancer stood up from his desk and walked into the front room of the office. His secretary was sitting behind the desk, legs crossed delicately. In front of her was a fashion magazine that she was thumbing through. Every so often she'd carefully fold a corner over to mark a page.
"Helena?"
"Mm?" The woman closed the magazine and swung around to face Lancer.
"What would you say is the most pressing ghost issue right now?"
The secretary didn't even think before she answered, "Fashion."
"What?!" Lancer had not expected that answer. Maybe asking Helena Sanchez for help wasn't such a good idea after all.
"Fashion," the woman repeated. "I mean, I'm all for some of the outfits they wear, especially Spirit's, but they're a little tacky, you know? Half of them dress like they died in the '80s." The contempt in her voice was audible, and Lancer twitched slightly.
"Uh-huh," he answered. "But apart from fashion…?"
"Can't help you there, honey. Sorry." Helena swung back towards her desk and opened her magazine again. Lancer stared at her back for a moment, making a mental note to not bring up fashion, ghosts, or Spirit in her presence again, then turned and went back into his office.
Well, if his "staff" wasn't going to be helpful, he'd just have to turn to someone who knew the issues as well as he did: the heads of GEIST's Information Division, Jack and Maddie Fenton. He quickly grabbed his briefcase and keys and informed the heavily made-up Latina at the outer desk that he was leaving for a meeting and probably wouldn't be back for a while.
"Page me if someone comes in and forward calls to my cell. And if I'm not back by two, close up and go home."
The woman nodded absent-mindedly but didn't look up from her magazine. Lancer shook his head as he pushed on the glass door that opened onto the street and headed for the Fentons. Helena Sanchez was certainly going to be a very interesting office companion.
---
Lancer did indeed spend the rest of the day at FentonWorks, working through what evacuation and bystander procedures should be and exactly what the public needed to know about ghosts. Lancer was slightly ashamed to admit that, even though he'd been a halfa for almost a year now and fought all the ghosts that came through Amity Park, the Fentons still knew more about them than he did.
I shouldn't be surprised, though, he mused. They're some of the leading researchers and have been doing this for twenty-two years now, at least. Of course they're going to have more information.
He left FentonWorks at three thirty and headed back to his apartment by way of the office to make sure that his secretary had indeed locked up like she was supposed to. She had, so Lancer went home. He had enough of a start now that he could start organizing and writing a series of public lectures.
As he was preparing a small T.V. dinner, his ghost sense went off and he cursed in frustration. Ghosts always had the worst timing imaginable. He quickly dialed Danny and let the phone ring twice as the signal for "I've got this one," then transformed and went hunting. He had the feeling it was going to be a very long night.