Voldemort's Surprise
Voldemort woke up that morning to a face that he knew all too well. It was Tim the
UPS man. He was holding a small box that was shaking fervently.
"What!" Voldemort yelled, "Oh. It's just you Tim. Don't scare me like that!"
"Sorry Voldemort. I just have this special delivery for you. From a Miss Emma Noble. Sign here, initial here, write your birthday here, and check off which of these is your favorite celebrity here." Tim said. Voldemort filled out the paper and, still grumbling, and handed it to Tim.
"Looks good, Voldy! See ya soon," Tim said and he sat the package at the foot of the bed. As soon as Tim was gone, Voldemort tore open the package, hoping it was the life-sized Harry Potter punching bag that he had ordered a few days ago. When he pulled the flaps apart, a little tan four-legged creature jumped out and started licking him. Voldemort screamed as high and loud as humanly possible and Lucius came bursting into the room, still in his Dora the Explorer pajamas, and screamed too. But Lucius's scream was one of joy.
"Oh! My! God! Is that a Chihuahua? I've always wanted one of those," Lucius shrieked and picked the wriggling monster up.
Voldemort still looked like he was shaking pretty badly. I guess Dark Lords don't like dogs. Lucius took the dog into his room and when he came back Voldemort was half-hiding behind the bed, wand in hand. Lucius suppressed a giggle when he saw the large wet spot in the bed. The dog, now yipping happily, was dressed in a pink tutu and had a blue rhinestone collar on.
"What is that monstorosity you call a ki-wa-wa? And why is it in a tutu?" Voldemort asked, inspecting the dog from 5 or 6 feet away. He looked really disgusted.
"It's a chi-wa-wa. And this is the only outfit that I could find," Lucius said, petting it, "And it's a dog. In fact, it is the sweetest, cutest, little dog in the whole entire world! I've named it Precious," Lucius said, still smiling. He nuzzled the dog.
"Okay. No. No. No. If this…thing…is to live here, it will live under my rules. It will not wear a tutu, it will not have rhinestones on its collar, and it will never be named Precious," Voldemort stated, giving Lucius an evil glare.
Lucius thought for a minute. "I'll play you for it. Hopscotch. Let's go. Right now."
"All right. Come on, loser," Voldemort said. They were almost out of the door when Voldemort stopped. Lucius asked why.
"I have to go change my underwear," he replied.
Lucius went outside and waved his wand and there appeared a 50 square hopscotch pattern. There were loops and gorges. Lucius and Voldemort both knew that this would probably be the best game of hopscotch they would ever play. They played for hours on end and finally, though a double-scotch-planter-flip-tuck-jump, Lucius made it to the end. He screamed and pick up the dog, now to be named Precious.
Voldemort groaned. He took out a big inflatable bat and hit himself repeatedly in the head with it. Just then, he saw some odd girl walking towards him. She had a clipboard, a huge bag and was wearing a black suit. Voldemort left Lucius cooing over the new puppy and ran inside. The woman walked up to Lucius and was making hand gestures and talking, and although Voldemort didn't know what she was
saying, he was pretty sure she wasn't selling girl scout cookies. She walked away from Lucius and rang the doorbell. Wormtail answered and the woman asked "Is there a Mr. Riddle he..", but she didn't finish because Wormtail clasped his hand over her and told her all about the name situation. She nodded her head and repeated the question, "Is there a Mr. Lord Voldemort here?" Voldemort walked down the stairs. By now, all of the Death Eaters had gathered around Voldemort and the girl, named Mindy, according to her nametag. Mindy shook out her hand, shook hands with Lord Voldemort, and pulled a box of red, spotted things that Voldemort was pretty sure were called strawberries. She walked forward and rubbed the strawberry juice all over his best robes. Everyone gasped. Lucius fainted. Voldemort reached for his wand since now, she was smearing blueberries on his robes too. She held his arm back and said," When you get stains, what do you do? Now you can do the right thing! From the makers of 'Tide' comes 'Poof!'. Just rub on some of the powder, get it wet, and poof! the stain is gone!" She followed the steps that she had mentioned and when they looked at the robe, they all still saw the stains.
"I don't understand. Poof! And the stain is…." Mindy didn't get to finish her sentence because a fuming Lord Voldemort had just turned her into an owl.
"Bad news, my robe is dirty. Good news, we have a new owl for our post," Voldemort said, looking quite pleased with himself. Mindy the Owl was fluttering about, looking a bit confused.
Snape turned to the Dark Lord and said, "I'll take that to the dry cleaners tomorrow."
Voldemort was digging through his closet, trying to find something to wear. He was very frustrated since Snape had to take his favorite robe to the dry-cleaners. He stared at everything and finally picked out a black, long, cotton robe. It had his name embroidered in the corner in bubble gum pink thread. Not the most manly of all of his apparel, but it would work for today, or at least until Snape got back. He then reached his hand into the back of the closet, trying to grab his favorite slippers when he felt a box-shaped object. He closed his hand on it and pulled it out.
"WORMTAIL!" he yelled after taking one look at the dust covered brown mahogany chest. Lucius popped into the room and, mouth full of lemon-poppy seed muffin, and told Voldemort that Wormtail had taken Precious out for a walk. Voldemort muttered curses to himself. He hated that dog. It was yippy and weird and he was still mad that Lucius had won their game of hopscotch and, therefore, got to name the four-legged disaster.
"Whaddya need?" Lucius asked.
"Well, I just found this box and, last time I opened a box, I was nearly frightened to death. I was, uh, gonna get him to open it for me," Voldemort replied.
"I can do that. Here," and Lucius opened the box. Nothing jumped out, so when the dust cleared, Voldemort returned to the end of his bed with Lucius.
"It looks like a memory box," Lucius remarked, still looking puzzled. They took out all the things that were in the chest and laid them out on the bed. Voldemort picked up what looked like part of a bar from a crib, and tears welled in his eyes.
"This was from the night that I tried to kill Harry," Voldemort explained, still sniffling.
"This is a part of Ginny's robe from Harry's 2nd year at Hogwarts," Voldemort murmured, feeling the fabric. "Wow, that is really soft. I should call her up and ask her what kind of robe that is."
Voldemort pointed to an object that looked remarkably like Lucius's diary, erm, journal.
"Harry's diary! I had Ginny get it while she was getting my diary. Good, huh?" Voldemort finished his sentence and gave Lucius a high five. Anybody who passed by the room that afternoon would have heard stifled giggles, followed by loud roars of laughter. You could also hear very bad impressions of Harry saying stuff.
"Dumbledore is so nice to help me!"
"My scar hurts a lot today. I'm so unhappy."
"I luv Hermione."
"I had a bad dream last night. I'm scared."
The impressions were normally followed by more outbursts of laughter and what sounded like people taking a swig of firewhisky. Finally, the laughter stopped and Lucius stumbled out of the room and retreated to his own. He pulled out his diary and doodled.