"Bilbo! Bilbo! You've got to help us!"
Fili and Kili rushed over to their hobbit friend. They had been searching all over for master Baggins, and finally found him in the library.
"Clam down, and tell me what all your fussing is about." Bilbo put down his book he'd been reading, giving the wide eyed brothers his full attention.
"It's about uncle, you see. Fili and I thought it'd be fun to play a joke on him, and it's backfired!" Kili began explaining.
"What kind of joke were you playing on your uncle? I'm no stranger to practical jokes on Thorins behalf, he can get over most things...eventually." Bilbo spoke his words of wisdom to the lads.
"But this is different! We were sending him fake letters, saying we were a lady dwarf." Fili began to explain more about their mischief.
"Lady dwarf? Why were you pretending to be that?" Bilbo questioned, an eyebrow rising.
"They were love letters." Kili choked out, watching as the hobbits eyes widened.
"Oh no! You've got to stop before it gets too out of hand!" Bilbo reasoned, knowing no good could come of this joke.
"It already has! He's sent a letter wanting to meet this fake dwarf we created! Please Bilbo, help us!" Both brothers got on their knees and started begging the overwhelmed hobbit.
"What would you have me do?" Bilbo looked down at the pleading faces.
At hearing Bilbos sentence, they got quickly up and wrapped an arm each around the hobbits shoulders.
"We have a plan! All we have to do is let him meet her, see how rotten and rude her behavior is, then he'll never want to see her again and we can stop the letters and forget it ever happened!"
"You speak as if you already have a female dwarf ready to play the part, but I know there aren't any near here currently, so who would you use?" Bilbo inquired, at this he watched the brothers grin at one another.
"We'd need someone who knows how to get our uncle riled up easily, someone who's small enough to pass as a lady dwarf. Bilbo, we need you!" Fili let his words fall on the hobbits ears.
"No! Certainly not! He'd never believe it, let alone when he realizes it's me, I'm sure he'd have a few choice words for me. If not words he'd not be afraid to have his fists do the talking for him. No way!" Bilbo shook his head side to side.
"But Bilbo! We need you! We can make you look like a real dwarf lady, uncle would never see through it. Please Bilbo!" Kili and Fili gave the hobbit their best puppy dog eyes, Bilbo could feel his resolve slipping.
"You were saying I would get the chance to be rude to your uncle if I did this?"
"Exactly! Do whatever it takes to make him upset and never want to see you again." Fili nodded, seeing within Bilbos eyes the flames of interest.
-0-0-
"I can't believe I'm doing this for you." Bilbo sighed, his appearance being altered by Fili and Kili. The brothers were currently working on a fake beard for Bilbo, since female dwarfs also grew hair on their face. They were using light brown horse hair, so that it would match Bilbos natural hair color. Fili would apply a sticky substance on Bilbos face while Kili stuck on the horse hair skillfully.
Like a role in a play, Bilbo had to study the character he was about to preform as. Listening to the brothers describe the fake lady they had created. Bilbo asked what the letters had mostly consisted of.
"Oh, you know. Calling uncle dashing and a mighty warrior. Flattery really." Fili told the changing hobbit.
"Now Bilbo, there are some customs that you must remember. With dwarf women, instead of getting their hand kissed in greeting, they full on head butt their men. You grab ahold of uncles head and just bang yours against it! Very important, mustn't forget to do that." Kili informed Bilbo, chuckling at the hobbits unease.
"Also, it's really important that when you laugh at anything funny he may say, you punch him really hard in the arm." Fili added his own knowledge for Bilbo to use.
The brothers stopped applying hair and stood back to admire their work. Bilbos beard looked like a thin broom, it would do, for mens beards were usually thicker anyway.
"Alright, I know your women have beards, but they also have breasts, don't they?"
"Course they do! Here, we got these melons you can use to put under your dress." Kili handed over the grape fruit sized melons.
"Here's your dress too. We had to buy it off a woman selling young girl clothes to make sure it'd fit you." Fili chuckled, handing over a pink dress with little white bows along the bottom of it.
"Remind me again, what was this dwarfs name?"
-0-0-
Thorin was waiting patiently outside his halls. His eyes waiting to land on the arriving guest.
He had been receiving obnoxious letters from a 'lady dwarf', the writing gave away the real culprit of these silly letters. He knew his nephews were poking fun and trying to tease him with these overly gooey love letters.
Finally he'd decided to teach them a lesson by actually writing back, demanding a meeting with this dwarf who fancied him. Thorin figured the nephews would either stop all letter writing, or perhaps hire a Dale lass to dress up as a dwarf. He was prepared either way, willing to go along if they did hire a girl to pretend to be in love with him. He'd scare her off with his show of affection then Fili and Kili would have to admit their folly.
A figure was approaching the stairs leading up to Thorins domain. The outfit stuck out, the color pink and feminine.
'So, my nephews got a gullible girl from Dale to dress as one of us? She will surely be repulsed at being courted by a dwarf, I will have her running away before midday.' Thorin smirked to himself. The closer the lass got, the better Thorin could study her appearance.
Fili and Kili's handwork for certain, look at that thin beard! Her head was covered by an ugly bonnet with floral adorning it.
"Ah, lady Bertha! At last we meet face to face." Thorin spoke as the dwarf look alike halted in front of him.
With quick reflexes, surprising the dwarf king, the lass took hold of his head and slammed her forehead against his.
"A pleasure to meet you Thorin." Her very high voice squeaked out.
Thorins head throbbed as he brought his eyes back into focus. What was that head bashing all about? He took a breath to steady his temper.
"My, what a strong grip you have." He choked out, trying to keep his head cool. "Come, let me show you the great halls inside the Lonely Mountain."
-0-0-
Alright, Bilbo had done the customary head butt greeting! It had made the hobbit slightly dizzy, but he toughened up and got his head straight quickly. He would play his role, and he would play it well!
Bilbo felt strange taking the crook of Thorins arm he offered as they took off for the many halls inside the mountain. Bilbo was use to Thorin being abrasive and overbearing towards him, so seeing a different side of the dwarf king was kind of unsettling.
What was worse than Thorins new gentler side was the reactions they both were receiving when a dwarf passed by. Thorin would begin introducing a dwarf just to have the individual run hurriedly away, shaking their head. Some would see the couple coming and just turn the other direction even!
Bofur was the only one to come up and speak with them.
"I'm not one to judge, but you're disturbing all the dwarfs in this mountain. How bout the two of you go outside and do whatever it is you do..." He tipped his hat to the pair and wandered off, mumbling to himself the words "role playing".
"I think these dwarfs are just not use to having a female around, perhaps we could picnic outside for lunch." Thorin spoke, leading the dwarf look alike down to the kitchens.
Bombur was busy in the kitchens, eating away the day when the dwarf king entered. The pudgy dwarf looked up at the king and took notice of the companion with him. Food spat out his mouth as he started laughing, pointing a fat sausage like finger as he giggled.
"Bombur! Stop your unpleasant laughter and start putting together a picnic basket for my lady companion and my self."
Bombur just kept chuckling and giggling as he went about putting meats and cheeses in a little wooden basket. Handing the finished product to the very annoyed looking king.
Thorin wrenched the basket out of Bomburs grip and turned away from the weird humored dwarf.
"You'll have to excuse him, he thinks more with his stomach than with his head." Thorin apologized for Bomburs behavior.
-0-0-
Bilbo let Thorin lead him off towards a tree close to the lake. Thorin helped the dressed up hobbit down to the grassy ground, sitting closely next to Bilbo.
Here was Bilbos chance to start being awful towards the dwarf king! Thorin handed Bilbo a rather large turkey leg, the hobbit, feeling rather hungry, started to eat greedily. Making loud noises while he gnawed the meat off the bone, getting juices and small pieces of meat all over his face.
Looking over while eating, Bilbo noticed that Thorin was eating about like himself. Well, dwarfs did have terrible eating manners...Bilbo finished his turkey leg, leaving the bone clean of meat, an idea came to him.
He went to chuck it over his shoulder, really aiming for Thorins head. The turkey leg slapped against Thorins right eye, making him cry out in surprise and light pain.
"Warg vomit!" He cursed, rubbing his now sore eye.
"Whoops." Bilbos high lady voice spoke.
Thorin took a few deep breaths, steadying his anger. It was only a silly Dale girl, he had to scare her off with affection not anger. No sense in scaring the locals down there by bad gossip from a frightened girl.
"Why, my dear Bertha, you seem to have meat in you beard! Let me help you with that." He changed the subject, leaning in closely and taking his mouth near the dwarf pretenders face. His lips very gently began to pick up the small pieces of meat, slipping them into him mouth and swallowing. He felt the girl go very tense at this act, which brought a smile to the king.
Bilbo was quite ticklish, and what Thorin was doing right now was driving the hobbit mad! He felt a giggle escape his mouth, he tried moving slowly away, but Thorin kept leaning in! Finally, Bilbo decided to be rude and pushed the king away, watching as the other was thrown off balance and started tumbling down towards the lake.
"Uh oh, might have pushed him too hard." Bilbo spoke out loud as he watched the dwarf roll and tumble until his body landed in the shallow waters of the lake.
Bilbo stood up, jogging down to see if the dwarf was alright. Watching wide eyed as Thorin splashed about, trying to get his body upright. His beard and clothes were soaked, hanging limply about the dwarfs body. His eyes little and pig like with barely contained anger. Bilbo was now merely feet away from the drenched dwarf.
"You were tickling me..." Bilbos words squeaked out, defending his actions.
Within the blink of an eye, Thorin had reached out, gripped the 'lady dwarfs' arm and pulled her down into the water.
Bilbo let out a shriek at the coldness of the lake water. In his stumble, the hobbits fake boobs got cockeyed. Bilbo looked towards the person who had pulled him in here, only to see the dwarf laughing hysterically.
Bilbo splashed the laughing king, making Thorin stop and splash the cross dressed hobbit back. Soon they were having a splashing war, the constant water slapping into Bilbos face was slowly making the sticky substance holding the beard on disappear.
Always the one to win at anything, Thorin reached out and pinned down Bilbo, the face above water so he could at least breath.
"I know that you are no dwarf, little one. Though I admit having a female around had been enjoyable. Even though you are only a Dale human." Thorin began, looking down at the surprised face of his captured companion.
"My nephews hired you to get themselves out of trouble. And I find I am no longer too angry with them." He was looking at Bilbo strangely, worrying the hobbit.
"They at least chose a somewhat attractive female, I haven't been near the opposite sex in a long time. So permit me this small favor." He leaned in, giving Bilbo no time to open his mouth and inform the dwarf, before Thorin kissed him!
Bilbo tried getting the other to stop his actions, but as always Thorin was forceful! He was even trying to use his tongue on the poor frightened hobbit! When Thorins hands went down to fondle breasts, he found that the boobs were horribly out of place!
Thorin quickly let go of his position, his mouth releasing Bilbos as he stared down at the weirdly askew boobs on the hobbit. Thorin reached boldly down Bilbos dress and pulled out the melon. His eyes growing big as his grip tightened on the fruit, breaking it in his hands so that the juices ran down onto the still body of Bilbo.
"Who are you!?" He growled down at the panicked Bilbo. The beard had been slowly falling off, so Thorin reached out and ripped the rest of the hair off the persons face.
"Bilbo?" He hoarsely whispered out.
"Hello Thorin." Bilbo tried smiling, feeling his heart race in worry as Thorin shook above him, anger causing the trembling nature.
"You let me kiss you!" He barked down at the frightened Bilbo.
"I never got a chance to stop you!" Bilbo reasoned, "and why am I still feeling something against my leg?" He questioned, watching Thorins face turn angry, to embarrassed, back to angry again.
"I was feeling excited about a female, not a hobbit!" He growled, defending his still constant boner he was having.
"Can you get off me now, Thorin?" Bilbo asked, trying to get free so he could start running.
They both suddenly turned their heads at two voices calling down to them. Fili and Kili were running down to the still coupled Thorin and Bilbo.
"Uncle we're sorry!" Kili cried out.
"Please don't hurt Bilbo!" Fili pleaded.
"Hurt Bilbo?" Thorin mimicked, standing up and off Bilbo.
"It's you two who should be worried! When I'm done with you..." He began, marching towards the taken aback nephews.
Quickly the young dwarfs retreated, an irate Thorin chasing after them, his wet foot beats making a loud slopping noise.
"I kissed that damn hobbit because of you two joksters!" Thorin howled at the fleeing nephews, both holding their rumps while running, knowing he'd be beating them when they got caught.
Bilbo got up from the cold water and started his way towards the Lonely Mountain, a clean pair of trousers and a dry shirt were calling his name. He entered the halls and was greeted by a smirking Bofur.
"Ya know, we dwarfs don't mind Thorins taste in hobbit company. It's just we were a bit bothered by your sex play being brought out in the open like that. Try to keep the kinky stuff in the bedroom, eh Bilbo?" Bofur chuckled, patting the hobbit on the back and walking off.
Bilbo turned and stared, his mouth hanging open at the dwarfs words. They all just assumed Bilbo was Thorins bedroom partner? What ever gave them that idea?!
The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien