Faithless
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, just the plot, I don't own the songs. I'm not that lucky or rich... Please enjoy...
Consider this my last will and testament. Consider this your bible in which you hold dear for fear of eternal damnation. Consider this your new belief structure, in which you base your life upon. Consider this your ray of light when you've spent your entire life in the dark. A suffocating darkness that seems to wrap its comforting arms around you. Snuffing out your cries for help. I've considered not writing this paper for my English class. I've considered taking the zero with as much pride I could muster. Holding my head up high as I handed in a blank piece of paper with my name at the top. I considered, but then what would I think of myself. What would I think of myself if I allowed cowardice to rule my every motion in life?
I don't think people are born good or bad. They were made that way, molded by their parents. Following like the rest of the sheep in a straight pattern. A pattern that our parents set before the day we were born. I consider life a test to see where we will be placed in the afterlife. So who really gives a dick what we do in this world. Who? Other than our family no one gives a penny toss what we do. We are all molded into the people our parents want us to be. If we don't meet up to thier expectations, are we dropped like a second rate art class? Of course we are. Though parents are more discreet in dropping thier "children."
I believe our own enemies are the people we hold dearest to us. Our families, friends, even that cute little homeless man on the corner. Those we would die for, would betray us for money, sex, drugs, and love. People don't handle rejection well. They handle it for about a second before thier sanity drops and snaps. I don't claim to hold the answers of life. I don't even claim to know the inner workings of a pencil. I claim nothing, because I'm nothing. Nothing but biodegradable mass that takes up space and wastes precious oxygen.
So as I sit here writing down my thoughts on life smoking casually on a cigarette, I ask you do you think do you think your life means anything? No it doesn't not in my book. Doctors, lawyers, priests, and parents. People we should be able to put our trust in betray us everyday. You hear about it on the news a doctor taking advantage of a patient under anesthesia, a lawyer selling out their client, a priest molesting a child, and out parents who were given to us by "god" to push us to the extreme then take everything we hold dear away from us in a swift flick of their wrists. On a whim they can destroy our lives, and their excuse "I created you, and I can just as easily destroy you." Do we ever call them on all their wrong doings? Of course. Do we get away with it? Hell no.
This paper may seem like I feel strongly on the subject, this observation I respect, but object to. Its wrong I don't care. Long ago I gave up the fight and just went on with a numbness deep inside of me. I've done nothing in my life but follow the heard like the good little sheep that I am. Well I'm taking a stand. I stand against everything you stand for. Everything in your sad little perfect world. Creating and destroying. Whatever happened to freedom. A thought we base our lives on. A fleeting glimpse of true freedom and you can never return to how things were. I saw freedom once. Once when I was four years old and my mother "unintentionally" left me at a bus stop in Amsterdam. She was on tour with David Bowie. Good music artist. Myself I prefer the musical geniusness of John Lennon. His song imagine gave me a taste of the bittersweet freedom I didn't even know I longed for.
I spend most of my time contemplating how to tell my mother to shove off. Though I never waste my breath. Its useless along with everything else. While your reading this Miss Kikyou Hime I hope you fear my ideas. I hope you tremble in excitement with my beliefs. I hope you cry out in pity as you read this. Pity is a simple emotion you feel it for the orphans, the starving kids in third world countries, and the homeless people searching through trash cans for food. If you pity me, don't. Its a waste of time and I don't particularly react well to pity. Though I react well with anger. Anger is a pure emotion. An emotion untainted by all your silly ideas of perfection. Your silly ideas of life and love.
I'll take another blissful puff off my toxic cigarette as I think of your reaction. The only reason no one has done away with you yet is because they hold on to the hope you feed them. They hold on to it like they hold on to their silly little bible hugging ideas. The greatest people in the world, the heros we hold on to in our lives are dead. John Lennon, Martin Luther King, JFK. The list goes on. Do you think you'll end up like that? You will. All in good time. Everyone dies eventually. Not that anyone should think of you as a hero. They should think of you as an enemy, because thats what you are. You are the enemy. My enemy. I feel you pollute the air with your silly little twiddle-your-thumbs-idly-as-you-watch-the-world-crumble-around-you-attitude. You think the world cares. It doesn't. Do you see the world mourn over anything? No because the world just don't give a shit. Get it out of your head that people actually care. Your argument will probably be that people send money to the starving third world countries. Well they send it out of guilt. They feel guilty that they have food. They don't care. They don't know them. They don't even know if the money reaches the children. Do they ask questions? No they send the money and thier guilt fades away into the dark corners of thier sick minds.
You probably disagree. I don't care though. I just want to complete a paper. You never expected me to write about this did you? You never expected me to write anything that could make you feel as if your beliefs are nothing. You are nothing, just as I am nothing. The sad thing is you believe. I don't. Notice your problem. I have no religion. I believe in good ideas, and good ideas people fuck up. Which for every good idea two more are fucked up in the process. I believe that people pollute and dillute our ideas and opinions. When someone says you are entitled to your own opinion they are really saying I don't care. Well I'll take a page from their book and say it to you. You are entitled to your own opinion, but do us all a favor and keep it to your self.
I don't care that I make you feel insignifigant. I don't even care that my parents rule my life. Life is mistake after mistake, starting from the very moment we form conscience thought. As the rest of the sheep follow in your formation I will stand against it as the black sheep. The one that don't belong. You wouldn't have known I was the black sheep before this paper, but that doesn't matter. Nothing matters. So study up on your life, beliefs, hopes, and dreams. Be warned that this paper is just the first step to the rebellion I have set up. I haven't set it up for a deep belief in my own words, just out of amusement. I plan to attack your very core of who you are. Be prepared I do this for your own good, as my parents would say. After I am through, you will believe so strongly in your own thoughts and opinions not even another little whiney student will be able to rock your boat like I have.
Have a nice day, and life. Today will be fun as I watch your face as you read my paper. You will hide your emotions behind that useless mask of yours, but I feel you will be as shocked as my mom standing over my shoulder was. Good day to you.
Kagome Higourashi
March 9, 2007
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"Hey Kagome wait up!." Ignore her. Ignore her. Pretend you don't hear her. Pretend your in your own little world where no one else exists. A world that cares. "Hey Kagome did you hear the news?"
"Nope sorry, whats the news Ayumi?" I don't care. Why do I force myself into this self induced hell? Why can't I tell them where to suck it?
"Miss Kikyou went off the deep end!" Eri cried out.
"Thats too bad. Do you know why?" Does it matter? No. Nothing matters.
"Apparently a students' paper made her break down. I heard it from a very reliable source!" Of course you did Yuka, just like I heard the voice of god last night in my room.
"Yeah isn't that so cool? I mean one of us destroyed her. I didn't think it was possible!" I think I feel my brain cells disappearing.
"Well you know what they say guys!" Yes use enthusiasim, as if they would notice a monotone...
"What do they say Kagome?" What is with the adoring eyes? They're looking at me like they would if they saw a really hot jock shirtless and sweaty, or Jesus Christ in the bathroom.
"God works in mysterious ways." Lame.
"Oh yeah!" We have a winner will someone with more than 2 brain cells please show Yuka what shes won? Thats right folks Yuka you have just won a shiney new red DUNCE hat!
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"Hey Inuyasha!"
"Whats up Miroku?"
"Nothing much just found out Kikyou quit her job."
"Sweet. We get to break in a new sub!"
"Yeah well, I'm interested in why. Aren't you? I mean according to rumors its supposed to be because of that paper she had us write. A student totally attacked her beliefs with words."
"Yeah well Miro when you can get me that person's name I will bow down before Kagome Higourashi and call her god!"
"I thought you hated Gome?"
Sweatdrop... "Thats the point Miro. Note it was also used as a figure of speech."
"Oh well, lets make a deal. Shall we?"
" I don't trust your deals, they usually end up with me getting slapped by some old bitty hag."
"If I find out the student, then you have to take Kagome on a date!"
"And if I refuse?"
"Then you have to take whoever wrote the paper out on a date. Man or Woman. Single or Taken. Hated or Loved."
"Fine I'll take your deal if can get a date out of Sango"
"Deal."
"Deal."
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In a perfect world, life would have meaning. A perfect world filled with perfect people. Everyone and everything would have its place, like a jigsaw puzzle. So when a sheep such as myself and everyone else are thrown together in a less-than-perfect-pasture to graze, when every sheep is a pure white like a bleached sock, how do you hide the black sheep. The one that sticks out like a sore thumb. My whole meaningless life I've always blended in. Never tried to rebell against what I knew in my heart was wrong. I never stood up for the geek getting thrown to the floor. I never voiced my opinions on Shakespear's sanity. I never gave a second glance to anyone who I have already deemed unworthy of my time.
I guess thats why I believe the things I do. I believe in things that I've seen and experienced for myself. Things I have learned over the years. Things I've known matter. Things I believed with all my heart. I wanted to be the all around perfect daughter. I've wanted to be adequate. I've wanted to make my parents proud. I wanted all these things at one time. In time though, I realized I was being selfless in my own selfish way. I wanted to be perfect, so that I could be loved. A hopeless dream I've forgotten over the months of self evaluation I inflicted upon myself. A self discovery mission I quested upon. Unlike fairytales lead you to believe it didn't end in a happily ever after. I didn't get sudden insight to my insignifigance. I didn't get a life learned lesson. I didn't discover a government conspiracy over toilet paper. No I learned nothing, and forget everything. I'm an empty shell of who I wished to become as a small child chillen in tour bus after tour bus while my mom tweaked out on drugs.
I guess I took the world on my shoulders at a young age, corrupted myself and have repeated the self destructive cycle over and over agian. I learn nothing from my mistakes, because I fail to attempt to acknowledge them. I don't remember what it was like to have a sense of belonging to a certain crowd. I've never belonged. Black sheep are outsiders from the rest of the heard. They don't belong anywhere but the slaughterhouse. The slaughterhouse my latest destination. I'm officially royally screwed sideways. My paper on life will be my downfall as I will fail my very mission I have set out to do.
While I feel good about myself. I feel as if I just made a life altering decision. A decision I don't know the outcome to. I feel I just sold my non existant soul to the nonexistant devil. Why? I don't know. How? My english paper. What for? Nothing. Nothing at all. I feel like I am destroying my very outlook on life. I feel my pessimest side will be destroyed and my almost non existant optimist side will come out and shine through my cover. Mostly though, I feel lost. For once in my life I know nothing of my future. Nothing at all to know, and I enjoy the feeling. Relish in it. Swim in it. Never willing to give it up. The sense of hopelessness. The sense of fear overwhelming my senses. I give in to the powers that be. I give in to the world. Too long have I walked around as a ghost. Maybe now I can find what I've been searching for. Something that has always been just out of reach. Just out of my limited knowledge.
Maybe now I can hope again. Just maybe I can give into my weaker feelings and have a sense of hope. A sense of belonging. Belonging to myself and everyone at the same time. A small hope on my scale. Though it is hope.
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"No way. Sango you have got to come see whose paper destroyed Kikyou."
"Why Miroku, I don't care. I'm only agreeing to this so I can see Inuyasha suffer on a date with the high and mighty Higourashi."
"Guess who wrote this paper?"
"Fine. Jesus Christ. You act as though the paper was written by God."
"Not God..."
"Holy freakin Higourashi...She wrote this paper."
"I don't believe my eyes."
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"I don't believe you Miro, let me see this eliged paper."
"Yash. I don't even believe it. Though I've seen, read, and repeated the process over and over. The name has not changed. Kagome Higourashi wrote the paper that sent Kikyou over the bridge of insanity."
"Impossible. She's a suck up. She does whatever her mommy and daddy tell her to. She couldn't write the life changing paper."
"Here read for yourself."
"Fine."
"Fine."
"..."
Miroku nodded. "That was my response at first."
"T-This means no matter what I have to take HER out on a date!"
Again Miroku nodded.
"Shoot me."
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I originally wrote the english paper as a way to retaliate to someone who was forced to listen to my ramblings. I never thought it would raise such a commotion. If I would have known I wouldn't have written the paper. I would have taken the zero with a fake smile plastered on my face as I walked up to Miss Hime's desk. Thats a lie. I still would have wrote the paper. I wouldn't have changed a thing about it. It expressed my opinion, in which I felt obligated to share with the entire world. Its not like Miss Hime gave me much of a choice. Really, she didn't. She was spreading false hopes and dreams to us. She was a bad teacher. A bad teacher, but a good person. I am sorry I had to hurt her. Though what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. She'll get over it in time, and when she does I expect a visit. She'll be angry no doubt. Though I think she'll be grateful too. I would have made her faith that much stronger. I would have made her a better person. She will be proud to announce her name to a large group of students. She will be proud period. Nothing will be able to bring her down. She will be untouchable, invincible.
The news of my paper is spreading like wildfire. Thankfully no one knows its mine. I have a little longer before I am stripped of my fake white wool, and shown to the world as who I really am. A black sheep. An outcast.
I've heard people taking credit for my paper. Saying it was thier paper that cause Kikyou's unfortunate incident. I know the truth. I don't mind their lies. They'll realize its not so much fun being on the outside. Its no fun looking through the glass at something you want. Everyone will realize soon enough. Soon.
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"Okay Yash just go up to her and ask her for dinner this evening."
"Yeah, I got that. Give me some freakin time to get over the shock that I have to ask her out."
"Aye aye Mon Capiton!"
"Shut up Miro, can't you see Yash is going through a very difficult period right now?!"
"Yes of course Sango. Might I be so bold as to say your rear looks even more tempting than usual."
"Not. Another. Word. Pervert."
"Will you two give it a rest. I can't believe I'm about to do this. I don't even think my nightmares are this creative."
"May the force be with you Skywalker."
"And may Yoda kick your sorry perverted ass."
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"Hey Kagome?"
"Hmmm..." I sighed as I put my book mark between pages 156 and 157. As I rose my head, I noticed Neither Yuka, Eri, or Ayumi would be caught dead in combat boots. I noticed the boots connected to a pair of legs. A man's legs. A mans legs covered by black baggy pants. Those legs connected to a torso. A torso covered by a black "Drop Dead" shirt. A torso connected to a neck that was connected to a man's head. A man no other than...
"Inuyasha." Inuyasha, the class clown, the class clown that hates me. A class clown that hates me and is now standing in front of me and has the gaul to look sheepish.
"I was.. Well I wanted to know... The thing is... You wanna catch something to eat after school...???"
"Huh?" All my knowledge, and the best answer I can come up with is huh?
"I wanted to see if you wanted to get some food after school. I mean even a bitch like you needs to pull the stick out of her ass and eat too."
"I eat." Nah really? I thought you survived on mere pessimissim alone. Of course you eat. Idiot. Just shoot me now.
"Kool. I eat too. So I was wondering if you wanted to eat with me."
"Why?" Where are my smart sarcastic remarks when I need them. Huh? WHERE?
"I don't know I just thought we should start over. Get to know each other. I don't know. You don't have to come if you don't want to. I mean its up to you... If you wanna go or not..."
"Sure." This boy has done nothing since the day he met you but call you names and knock your self esteem to all time lows, and you say sure to a date with said boy. Idiot.
"Kool well I'll see you after school then. Later."
"Bye." Good riddance. Now to find a way out of this "date" and your all set.
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"Well what did Miss-know-it-all say?!?"
"Her exact words were, sure, how exciting! NOT!"
"Oh come on its one meesly little date, how bad could it go?"
"Very, very bad."
"Come on Yash cheer up. Have faith. Maybe she'll cancel on you. You never know."
"I should only be so lucky."
"She wrote that awesome paper and tore down Miss Kikyou Hime. How bad can she be?"
"Sango my darling, Kagome and us are from different worlds. We see things differently. She comes from a priviliged family, where as we come from families that live from paycheck to paycheck. Two different worlds. Two different perspectives. In two words. Kagome Sucks."
"Okay, but I'm not ruling her out of the friend boat yet."
"You keep the boat from rocking. While I go make sure I have my suicide planned. Later Sango, Miroku."
"Later."
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In two hours and 15 seconds. I'm expected for a date. A date with none other than Inuyasha. I don't even know why I agreed to go. How to get out of said date is my new most important mission in life. I wonder if faking a terminally ill disease would be too easy to see through. Probably.
Hmmm... I could claim I have a lot of homework and take a rain check. Nope. He's in three of my classes and would know it was a lie. My mother needs help at home. Nope he lives across the street. I could tell him the truth. I don't want to go on a date with you. Is that the truth? Do I not want to go on a date with him. I mean sure he's handsome. He's funny. Smart. Charming. Sarcastic. Aggressive. Violent. Bad tempered. Annoying. The list goes on.
I really do wanna go on this date. Don't I? Yeah I think I do. Well I guess I'll go, if it gets bad I can always leave. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I DEFINATELY can do this. Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.
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"Hey Kagome! You ready?"
"Yeah Inuyasha, I'm ready." No I'm not ready. I will never be ready. Who the hell is ready to go on a date with you? You being practically the reincarnation of Adonis. Of course I'm ready. Ready as I'll ever freaking be.
"Well lets go then."
"Yeah." One foot in front of the other. Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. You can do this. I can do this. See were doing it.
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I seems that if ''god'' does exist I seemed to have deeply angered him and have earned his wrath through my report. This must be some twist of fate. Some mistake. This can't be happening. I don't go on dates, and I definately don't go silently. What ever happened to my strong will? Did it disapppear with my courage, a fleeting glimpse. It disappeared. Along with everything else in my life. Anything I have ever taken pride in seems to fade in the distance, becomes part of the scenery of my prison. My self induced hell. My personal torture chamber I myself have created.
So as I sit in Mc Donalds. Casually biting my fingernails, waiting, always waiting, for Inuyasha to tell me this is some plan he concucted with his sadistic mind. All of this is a joke. A way to hurt me, wound my pride. Cripple my already frail heart. Transform me into a stone cold bitch. A way to destroy me beyond repair. I've been reduced to a wounded child. A kicked puppy. Nothing more. Does it matter? I've already came to the conclusion I am nothing. Nothing. A beautiful thought. A wonderful numbness.
So does it matter that this is all some sick joke? Yes. The answer is yes it is. I don't want to be nothing. I want to be something. Something to him. Anything. Anything at all. As long as I exist somewhere in his world. His scary perfect world. It doesn't matter as long as I am a part of him. No matter how microscopic this something is, I want to be part of his something.
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"Hey Inuyasha! Thought we'd find you here."
"Hey Miroku, Sango. What are you up to?"
"Nothing much. Miroku and I decided to have our date here today."
"..."
"Yeah isn't it great Yash?"
"Excuse me while I hurl."
"Yash! I am wounded. Deeply hurt you would say such a thing. Sango has deep unknown feelings of love for me and you bash them with you hurtful words."
"Shut it Pervert!"
"Sango. Haven't I told you I am only a pervert when it comes to you? If I haven't I apologize from the bottom of my heart. You are the only woman I could have these feelings for."
"PERVERT!" Slap.
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Looking at Inuyasha's friends Sango and Miroku, I realized something. This was all planned. A well staged plan. No one pops up at Mc Donalds hoping to bump into thier friend. You make plans to meet there. Or Inuyasha told them to meet him there and save him from a date with me.
Somehow this doesn't suprise me. This doesn't matter. I've been down this road before. I've been dissed and dismissed. It hurts. Hell it hurts more than I ever thought it could. It hurts more than it should. Mostly though I'm disappointed. Disappinted in myself for falling so easily in his plan. It was a trap. I was the poor little prey for this mighty predator. I was being eaten alive. Eaten alive from the inside.
I looked too much into this. Silently and unconsciencly planning what we'd do on our date. I looked for something lasting out of this. Damn I'm an idiot. A stupid idiot destined to be on the outside for the rest of eternity. Outside looking in. Always on the outside. This was a joke to all of them. A private joke they didn't feel inclined to share with me.
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"I'm gonna go. See you all tomorrow at school."
"Hey where you going Kagome? We promise we won't ruin your date with Yash. We were just saying hey."
"It wasn't a date. I have to get home, my mom has something to tell me."
"Alright see you tomorrow."
"Later."
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"Do you think she was lying Yash?"
"Probably. I don't give a shit though. If she wants to be stuck up, let her."
"I don't think she was being stuck up. She looked really uncomfortable."
"Feh. Sango, does it look like I care?"
"No. Then again you barely care about anything that doesn't directly protain to your world."
"So true Sango my love you have geniusness disguised under your beauty."
"Shut up pervert. I've always been a genius. You've just never realized it."
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In one moment everthing can change. It only took one moment for me to change my views. Then another to change them back. I'm tierd of being the butt of every joke. I'm tierd of being dismissed. I'm tierd of people running my life for me. I'm tierd of being afraid. Afraid of being on my own person. Mostly though I'm tierd of being over looked.
My mother over looks my thoughts and feelings all the time, and I can't take it anymore. She wants me to write a formal apology to Miss Kikyou Hime. I refuse. I refuse because I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry for anything. I'm tierd of being fucking sorry. Sorry I was born Mom. Sorry I'm not as smart and talented as Souta. Sorry I'm not your perfect little girl. Sorry dad walked out on you. Sorry we had to move in with Grandpa. Sorry I want my own life.
Everyone can take their freakin sorries and shove them! I won't be sorry anymore. I won't. I refuse to be sorry for something I have no control over. I refuse to be sorry for something I don't give a penny toss about. I refuse to give in to everyone elses' demands.
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"Kagome are you listening to me?"
"No."
"Excuse me I don't think I heard you correctly?"
"You heard me loud and clear. I'm not sorry mother. I'm not. I will never be sorry. I'm not sorry for anything. I'm not sorry about all the bad things that happened in your life. I'm not going to let you control my life! Its mine. I refuse to give you the satisfaction of having a little robot you can press off whenever you feel like it! Most of all I refuse to be just like YOU!"
"Kagome Marie Higourashi! Don't you talk that way to me!"
"Well guess what Mom I am, and there is nothing you can do about it!"
"Get Out."
"Bye."
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I did it! I stood up to the old cronie. I made a stand. I don't care that I have to live on the streets. I don't! I'm free! I can live my own damn life and not take any shit from anyone. I can stand up for myself. If that didn't prove it, I don't know what will.
First things first get some money. Then some clothes. Then a job. I can sneak into my room grab my Dad's old electric guitar and do street performing with it. Then I can walk over to Salvation Army and pick up some new clothes. I don't have to wear what my mom wants me to! I can wear whatever the hell I want to! Hell yeah!
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Sneaking into my house was easier said then done. The even harder part sneaking out. Lets just say my old room looks like it was ransacked by burglars. Sneaking out of my room resulted into me smashing my face into the ground. Climbing down an old tree with an even older guitar is hard work. With the knowledge that I've never had to work a day in my life made it that much harder. It was worth it. I've never felt so exhilarated. Never felt so damn alive.
I'd do whatever for the result of freedom. Whatever it takes I'll do to keep my freedom. I'd steal, kill, and even run away for my freedom. Nothing is too much to keep it. Nothing. I don't have to be nothing anymore. I don't have to stand on the sidelines. I don't have to watch other teenagers neglect their freedom. I have my own now. I have it and I'll keep it.
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"Excuse me."
"No worries. Kagome?"
"Huh? What? Inuyasha!" Shit! Whats he doing here???
"What are you doing here?"
"Oh me well thats a funny story actually. Hahe."
"Right. One your not going to share? I went over to your house about an hour ago and your mom said you don't live there no more. Whats that about?"
"Umm.. We had a little disagreement and I left...Thats all."
"A little disagreement doesn't cause you to get kicked out. Whats really going on?"
"Nothing that you should concern yourself with." Why was he at my house asking about me? It was a joke to him right? He doesn't really care... Right? Right!
"Well I was wondering seeing my friends ruined our lunch if you wanted to try again tomorrow?"
"I don't know. I'm kinda busy right now." Exactly a logical excuse seeing as I just got kicked out of my house. I mean come on does he expect me to just go back home like a puppy with its tail between its legs...
"Thats why I asked for tomorrow."
"I know, but I meant I'll be pretty busy for a while. I gotta find a place to live, get some clothes, get some money... Theres a long list." Once again I just got kicked out I have a lot of things I need to do.
"Why don't you just go back and apologize to your mother. I'm sure she'll let you back in the house." Hell no! I wanted this! I'm not going back. Never. I won't even go to the old cronie's funeral unless its to piss on her grave.
"Over my cold dead rotting corpse."
"Well stay with one of your friends' houses." What friends? Yuka, Eri, and Ayumi? Has he tried to hang out with them? Of course not. Who in their right state of mind wants to hang out with those boy crazy girls?
"Once again over my cold dead rotting corpse."
"Why don't you take that stick outta your ass and get over yourself. I'm sure its uncomfortable." Bastard. Leave me alone, I don't remember bothering you.
"Why don't you stay outta my business and stop acting like you know all what I'm about!"
"Well I would if you'd stop whining to the world how bad your life is! Your from a rich family! You never had to work for anything! You don't have to do chores, you don't have to work for a living, your family doesn't have to live from paycheck to paycheck!" Your not just a bastard your a cruel evil demented bastard from the fiery pits of hell come to piss me off.
"Why don't you stop whining about your family not having any money and do something about it! Money doesn't buy happiness! It causes fights, wars, hatred, the list goes on forever! Stop pretending you know me because you know my family has money! Go back to your life and stay out of the way of mine!"
"I don't have to! Get over yourself! The world doesn't revolve around you! I was right, you really are a stuck up rich bitch! I should have never taken that bet with Miroku!"
"What bet?"
"A bet that I'd go on a date with whoever wrote the paper to Kikyou."
"...Excuse me I have somewhere to be..." I knew it. It was all just a joke to him! He used me! I hope he gets malaria! Or small pox! Some fucking incurable deadly disease!
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"This song is Whats going on by the 4 Non Blondes. I don't have drums so guitar is just going to have to work! Okay!"
25
years and my life is still
trying to get up that great big hill of
hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I
should
That the world was made up of this
I strummed my father's old guitar. Hitting the notes perfectly. Singing my heart into the lyrics. A song I've been blaring on my ipod for weeks. Ever since I heard it when I was little this song has been my salvation. The lead singer's voice my lullaby to sleep. The lyrics seem to be what I've based my life off of.
Brotherhood
of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry somethimes when I'm
lying in bed
Just to get it all out what's in my head
And I'm,
I am feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step
outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream
from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on
I sang loudly for all to hear. The crowd getting larger and larger as more onlookers stepped up to listen. People I don't know throwing money into my case. Strangers giving money to a stranger. Maybe there is some good left in the world? Maybe just maybe they feel the same way for the song as I do.
And
I say hey...
And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
I
said hey what's goin' on
Oooh...
Oooh...
The lyrics leave my lips before I even consciencely think them. Blending into the tune. Becoming the song I admire and wish to transform into. Being part of something so perfect. Something immortal. A song no one will ever forget even when I've been dead for centuries. Maybe this is our soul, what we do in this life to be remembered by.
And
I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
In this
institution
And I pray, oh my God do I pray
I pray every single
day
For a revolution
Will people tell their grandchildren about the girl in her school uniform singing and playing the 4 non blondes whats going on? Will they remember tomorrow? Will they continue to come day after day to see me play?
And
so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
what's in my head
And I'm, I am feeling a little peculiar
So I
wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and
I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's
goin'on
Does it matter? Does it matter if I am forgotten? I haven't cared about what will happen after I died since I came to the conclusion god doesn't exist, and if he did he doesn't love me. It does matter. I think it does matter. If I'm forgotten what exactly does that say about me? What did I accomplish in this life? What made my life so important? Would anyone cry at my gravestone saying how much they loved me? Would they even care?
And
I say hey...
And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
I
said hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
And I say hey what's
goin' on
And I say hey...
I said hey what's goin' on
Oooh...
I want them to care. I want them to cry if I die. I want someone to awknowledge that I mattered. I want that almost as much as I want to keep my freedom. I want it so much I feel bitter towards Shakespear, Mozart, Edgar Allen Poe. I feel bitter towards them because I might never be remembered. I might never be loved by anyone.
25
years and my life is still
trying to get up that great big hill of
hope
For a destination
As the song ended I could feel tears prickling at the corners of my eyes. Begging me to let them fall. I was begging me to let them fall. Do I want to end up a bitter old cronie like my mother? Do I want to chase everyone in my life away? Am I prepared to waste my life on hatred and fear? Am I prepared to make the choice? Do I have to give up my freedom to see my mother and make a lasting relationship with her?
Should I hate Inuyasha for throwing my mistakes I never learned from in my face? No. No I don't. I can make myself a better person. I can be better than that. I can bring myself from nothingness and form a bond with this world. I can leave my mark behind. My life doesn't have to end here. I will be remembered. I will be loved. I will be free. I will.
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"Are you renting out this apartment?"
"Yes child I am, are you interested?"
"Yes I am, I'm in school now, and I am applying for jobs around here. I need a place to live for a while. At least until I am able to work things out with my mother. I have a little money I can pay you in full if you take credit cards."
"I will take a credit card, its good you are at least trying to reconcile with your mother. I admire that in a person."
"Thank you." As the old woman with an eyepatch slashed my card through her machine I took in the building and its surroundings. The building was in fairly good shape, leak spots permanately set into the ceilings from months of rain pouring through. The building was a few blocks from school. Easy walking distance. Even closer to my old home. Even closer to my mother. I turned back to the old woman. She was looking at me curiously.
"We just had a tenant leave. Kikyou Hime. She moved back to her hometown. She said she needed to review her life and make a decision. Her old apartment is up for rent. I'll take you up there myself and let you look around, even though you don't seem that interested."
Oh she noticed, probably because I gave her my card before actually seeing the place. I don't care where I live, as long as I can be free, as long as I can fix my mistakes and make things right in my world. I'll be living in Kikyou's old home. Its fitting really. It all started with an english paper she assigned. I don't blame her in fact I'm thinking of making her my hero. She saved me from a life of repition a life of encagement. Mostly though she saved me from myself. My beliefs that were destroying me slowly.
"Here we are Apartment 16a. This is where you'll be living. Its got one bedroom, one bathroom, a large living room, small kitchen, theres barely any leaks. Kikyou painted the walls. You can repaint them if you don't like the color and you think you'll be staying here that long. My name is Keada and I'll be your landlord. I'll leave you to your new home."
"Thank you Keade. I'll probably be here a while. Both my mother and I are stubborn, but one day I'm hoping we can have some sort of bond to hold us together. One day."
Keada nodded as she walked down the hall to the elevator. I walked into 16a looking around. The walls were painted white with little dust and nocotine stains where pictures used to hang. The carpet floors were a beige with a few red wine stains and coffee stains. The bedroom was small with a soft pink color. The kitchen had old mint green tiles. The counters were a clean white, the sink had a few rust stains, but all and all the place was better than I had hoped. Not that I cared. It was nice though living in a small cozy place. A place to call my own.
I took out a cigarette lighting it. I puffed slowly as I evaluated my life, my mistakes, and future decisions and promises. I casually dragged off my cigarette while I recalled the things that brought me to this point in my life. English Assignment, Inuyasha, My mother, a bet, myself...
I took in my surroundings with a smile. Life may not be good today, but tomorrow things will get better. I sat down on the beige stained carpet next to an open window. I looked out at all the people scurrying to thier destination in a sense of wonder. Where is my destination? What will tomorrow bring? I allowed myself to wonder and allowed myself to actually care, because it does matter, everything matters. So if everything matters, doesn't that mean that nothing matters? It does doesn't it? I took the last drag from my cigarette and watched as it fell to the ground with fascinated eyes. Its all downhill from here.
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School was as exciting as an upcoming surgery. I looked forward to it like I looked forward to the black death. Teenagers myself avoid it at all costs like we avoid the plague. We avoid it because secretly we are all afraid. Afraid someone will see through us and call us on our hypocracy. We all fear it because were thrown into a totally different world. A world where none of us matters. A world where no one can understand a damn thing the teacher is saying because were too busy thinking of things to come.
I saw Inuyasha at lunch. Though I know he doesn't want to see me. I feel I must apologize for the things I said. Even though he said some things I didn't want to hear as well. I didn't want to hear them but needed to. I don't think I could survive in this alternate universe where my ideas and beliefs have been dramatically rethought and redone without the main person who helped rearrange them. He was priority. If I couldn't face him, how could I face my mother? How could I face Yuka, Eri, and Ayumi and tell them how much I despise the things the converse about? How could I face tomorrow? Or the day after that? How?
It would be unbearable. Unthinkable. Tomorrow shouldn't be able to come if that happens. It shouldn't show itself to the world if we're not ready for it. I remember the last time someone had affected me this much. It was my father, the day he left. He had joined the army. I remember the last thing he said to me before he left. He told me he loved me. He said he was doing his best for all of us. He just wanted to do something more. He wanted to do something to make me proud of him. I never told him that I was already proud of him. He never got my last letter before he came home. His car got wrapped around a telephone pole. He never knew that I was always proud of him, and nothing could ever change that.
My mother took it hard. She said he was always trying to get away from her. I used to believe that. Used to because I have always tried to get away from her, except now when I am away from her. All I want is to be close to her. Talk to her before it becomes to late. I don't want to die with regrets. I don't want to lose anyone while I still have the time to fix everything. Fix it with the best of my knowledge, the best of my ablility. I want her to know I love her. I also think I blamed him to, I blamed him for leaving us as I blamed my mother for making him leave.
I realize now I've been trying to run away all my life. Run away from the past. I can't run anymore. I don't have the strength. I don't have the will, because I don't want to run away any longer. I have to talk to Inuyasha. I've gotta apologize, and I know just the way to do it.
Quickly reaching for my notebook, writing a few rushed sentences. I signed my name and folded the piece of paper. Slipping it into my pocket I rose from my chair and hurried out of the cafeteria. I looked for locker number 627 and slipped the note through the slits. Picking up my pace I ran to the exit doors. Ran to an old hell I grew accustomed to.
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Knock
Knock
"Yes? Oh Kagome! I'm so glad your safe! Are you okay? Where have you been?"
"Mom! I've been good, I'm fine. I have an apartment. I need to talk to you. Is that alright? Are you busy?" To think I was afraid she'd throw the door in my face. To think I thought she didn't give a damn about me. Oh how I was wrong. Its never felt so good to be wrong.
"Come in come in."
Walking into the house I was ushered into a chair in the kitchen as my mother sat down across from me. To think nothing changed from yestereday on the outside, when inside ourselves we've changed more than we ever thought possible. I never knew my mother cared so much for me. I never wanted to believe. Now I can. I can believe in almost everything again. Oh how things have changed. To think I was also afraid deep down inside of change, of changing.
"I know I hurt you with the things I've said mom. I want to apologize for that, but I want you to know I'm not moving back in. At least not right away. I love you and I know you love me too now. I know because I saw it on your face for the first time in a long time. I know we've had a lot of rough times but I'm willing to work through them if you are."
"Kagome, I'm so glad your okay I was minutes away from making a missing persons report. I didn't know where you were, how you were doing, who you were with, I didn't know anything. I don't want to feel so helpless again. I've never felt so lost not since..."
We both let the sentence hang in the air, neither of us wanting to bring up Dad.
"Mom I have an apartment and I'd like you to come visit me whenever you like, you, Souta, and Gramps. I want us to be close. To be friends and be open with each other. I don't want to run away from you anymore. I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to come to the bus stop on 131st street tonite at 6. I want you to see me doing something that I love. You need to see the real me mom. The me I was trying hard to hide. I want you there and Souta and even crazy old Grampa. Will you come?" Please come. I need you there. I want you there. You have to see me. To give me strength, the strength I need to survive all the tomorrows.
"I'll be there sweetheart. I'll be there. You can count on that, and afterwards you can show us where you live. Then this weekend we can buy the necissary items needed for living on your own."
"Thank you mom, you have no idea how much this means to me. Thank you." Thank you for everything mom. Thank you.
123789--------123789--------123789---------123789-------123789--------123789
6:00 p.m. at 131st street...
Looking at my small crowd who were waiting for me to perform. I had gotten a little famous around here from the one time I played. Was it only Yesterday? I see a tradition in the making. I spotted my mother and my little brother. Grampa was beside them bickering for me to begin. I looked around one last time, I spotted Inuyasha he had read my note. He came. Even if this is only a small thing to making things right, it is a small step before the even larger leap. I can and will do this. No matter what it takes. I want this more than I wanted freedom. More than anything, I wanted him to be there. If I make a fool of myself, so what? He came.
"This song I'd like to dedicate to a few people. First my family, and lastly Inuyasha. Its been a while by staind..."
It's
been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been
a while
Since I first saw you
It's been a while
since i
could stand on my own two feet again
and it's been a while
since
i could call you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as
it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've
stretched myself beyond my means
I couldn't look up. I couldn't meet their eyes. I was afraid. Sad as it, so much has happened, so many fears I faced with a brave front, and I am still afraid of them seeing my fear. I sang my heart out into the lyrics, out of my soul. I admit I have one now. I must have. Without it I wouldn't have made it this far. I couldn't imagine death just being the end. It couldn't be. What were we working so hard in this life for? If not for a beautiful afterlife and being reunited with the ones we loved, what would be the point of living? Would there be one? I don't think so. Death can only be the beginning. Only the beginning of some grand adventure were never prepared to take.
It's
been a while
since i could say that i wasn't addicted and
It's
been a while
Since I could say I love myself as well and
It's
been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like i
always do
It's been a while
But all that shit seems to
disappear when i'm with you
But everything I can't remember as
fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again
I've screwed so many things up, that I can no longer keep count. I can't even think of all the times I screwed up with everything. Now its time to start making things right. If this doesn't work at all, I've got tomorrow. I'll always have a tomorrow, no matter what.
Why
must i feel this way?
just make this go away
just one more
peaceful day
I raised my head to meet their eyes. I gazed into Inuyasha's willing him to see the truth in the song. I want him to know I care for him, and even one day may grow to love him. I already do love him in a small way, but I want us to both be in love with each other like my parents were. I want him to know that if nothing else other than I'm sorry.
Its
been awhile
Since I could lok at myself straight
and it's
been awhile
since i said i'm sorry
It's been awhile
Since
I've seen the way the candles light your face
It's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
But
everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
I know
it's me i cannot blame this on my father
he did the best he could
for me
Today I learned something new, music allows me to free myself. Be completely free, not the new freedom I experience now. This was true untainted freedom, even if they don't like my music, even if they think I suck. None of that matters, cause I'm free. Nothing can change that. I also learned to stop blaming my father. He did try to do the best he could for me, he even said it himself. I want to tell my children about the great man that fathered me was. I just wish I could tell him, but somehow I think he already knows.
I looked into my mothers eyes and she nodded to me with tears in her eyes. I think she forgives him. I think she understands him just a bit more. I looked over at my brother shaking his head with a small smile playing on his lips as if saying I can't believe she's doing this. Granmps looked bored cranky and well senile. I still love him though.
It's
been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been
a while since i said i'm sorry
I sang the last verse to Inuyasha. He smiled at me in awknowledgement. I think he is one step closer to forgiving me. However small that step is I don't mind, its still a step after all. My audience looked at me adoringly before blowing out in cheers. I smiled, so they didn't think I sucked. Who would have known. Not that I needed their encouragement I would have still came out here to play.
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"Yo Inuyasha!! Wait up I have to talk to you!" I ran full speed with my father's guitar on my back. Hitting me in the head when I stopped abruptly slamming into Inuyasha's back.
"Yeah, What do you want to talk to me about?" I could tell he was playing with me.
"I want to apologize for the things I said. I want us to try and be friends. You may not forgive me today and you may not forgive me tomorrow but I warn you I'm a stubborn woman who is on a mission. So I'll keep trying. What do you say?"
"...No..."
"I give you a long winded speech and all you can say is 'no.' Jerk!"
"No you don't need to apologize to me, I said some things to you if you don't remember correctly. Also no I will not be your friend!"
"Why not?"
"Because if you must know, I don't want to just be your friend. I want to be more than just your friend. I don't think I could ever just be your friend. I'm equally stubborn, and I'll keep hounding you til you say yes and go out with me. No interruptions, no excuses, and no bets."
"Well if you put it that way... I'll except!"
"You'll cave eventuall- What?"
"I said yes you dimwit! Geez..."
"You will?"
"No I was playing with you. Yes you half brained baboon! I'll go out with you!"
123789---------123789-----------123789----------123789------------123789------123789
One Year Later...
"Hey Yash, Where did you put the box for kitchen utensils?"
"In the kitchen. Duh, Where else?"
"Okay!"
"Remind me again, why I agreed to move in with you?"
"Because you love me thats why, halfwit. Geez are you experiencing alzheimers? Or maybe amnesia?"
"Now I remember, cause I couldn't go a minute without your retarded complaints, and annoyingly stupid insults."
"Thats why you love me!"
"Yes, thats why I love you."
"Glad you remembered. I love you too even if your an egotistical half wit."
"Thanks, hey wait a minute! I'm not egotistical!"
"Oh but love you are. Again that is why I love you. So is Sango and Miroku coming over for band practice?"
"Yeah, there very excited. They got into Yumara's Music College as well so their going to be flaunting their acceptance letters... Why hasn't mine come yet?"
"Oh I forgot to tell you, It came in a week ago. Ooops my bad..."
"Did I get in?"
"No."
"Your joking rite?"
"Yes, you got in. Must have just slipped my mind. Wonder how that happened?"
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Dear Miss Kikyou Hime,
You probably never expected to hear from me again. I mean,I was inconsiderate of your feelings as I wrote that English paper you assigned. I wanted to apologize, and say I hope you are doing well. I am not writing this because my mother forced me to. I'm not doing this to get the guilt off my back. I'm writing this because I am really sorry. I want you to know that I have changed a lot since you left.
First I got kicked out of my house, said some horrible things to Inuyasha Taisho (remember him? If you don't just think back to who disrupted your class in the middle of a lecture over and over again. I imagine you see his face pop up more than once.) next I took up street performing and found out I'm actually fairly good, I'm in a band now, I have good friends I can be honest with, My mother and I are very close these days almost inseprable much to the annoyance of Inuyasha, Inuyasha and I are engaged and just moved in together (today actually) We will be attending Yumara's Music College this fall (plus Miroku Houshi (think back to who was next to Inuyasha as he disrupted your class) and Sango Taijya (think back to who was next to Miroku as Inuyasha disrupted your class))
I have band practice in thirty minutes so this letter might be pretty rushed. In the paper for your class, one I'm sure you remember better than I, I said no one should think of you as a hero. I take that back. You are my hero. You saved me from myself. If you hadn't assigned that homework, my life would still suck. I'd still feel like a caged animal waiting to attack anyone who came to close. You saved me from my old system of beliefs. For that I want to thank you. I know this doesn't make up for what I did, but I will work on that. I'm no longer running away from my problems, and I owe it all to you.
I hope life is going well for you. I wish only the best for you. Never give up your ideas that I once thought and believed were silly. The world might be going to shit around us but that doesn't mean we have to go down with it. My entire belief structure has been changed. I am on my way to forgiving god, not there quite yet. One day I will be though. One day. I forgive my parents for thier mistakes as they have forgiven mine. I forgive myself for all the bad things I did. Now I just wish you can one day, maybe not today, that you can forgive me. I want you to know, that you are a good person. I respect that about you as I respect you. The paper did hold some truth in it like when I said consider it my last will and testament, I died, and I was reborn into an entirely different person. A person I am quite proud to be...
Inuyasha is getting pretty annoyed at me right now, I'm not paying him enough attention. Well thats okay cause it makes the make up sex that much better. I'm gonna go now write me back one day...Even if you don't forgive me. I wanna see how things played out with you.
Kagome Higourashi
131st street Starlight apartments apartment 16a
Tokyo, Japan 78956
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So I may not have everything in my life, so I might hold a few small regrets like not getting that ice cream cone in the ninety degree weather. So I maybe a little different than I thought I'd be. So I may not have gotten things all figured out. I can deal with that. I may not have gotten over my whole anti-god thing yet, but one day I will get there.
Some say the teenager years are the best days of your lives, and I couldn't agree more. They were for me, still are in all actuality. Though things might have gone differently if I hadn't written that paper. I wouldn't change a thing I did back then for any reason, because I like where I am not. Hanging and clinging to this moment in life.
I can't say what will happen tomorrow. I can't say thay I'll like it, but I can make my way through it. I can do anything, if I set my mind to it. I can, and so can anyone else. Anyone who wants to that is. Nothing has to stay the same, everything can change in a moment.
Just look at me I used to be faithless...
"Hey Kagome, you ready? Miro and Sango are here!"
"Just a minute!"
Anything can change and everything can change in one single moment in time...
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END COMPLETE!
How did you like it? Please review! Please and thank you...
Lilith