Elsa couldn't sleep, when the wind howled in just a certain way. It echoed down the hallways and palisades of the castle and she was transported back to the raging storm on a frozen fjord. All her fear and worry and thoughts of duty and the right thing to do from that time would rear up in her mind and send the only cold she could ever feel swirling around her stomach.
Voices would call then, carried on the wind to her mind's ear. Shouts of "Monster!" and "Sorcery!" coupled with gasps of fear from her people.
These returning sounds would dredge up the emotions that still lurked inside her. She had spent thirteen years with them, it was not a simple task to just leave them behind despite the words she had belted out atop a glacier capped mountain. Fear, shame, anxiety and melancholy had been her constant companions from the age of eight.
After more fruitless moments tossing amongst sheets that were at once oppressive and not sealed enough against the world, Elsa gave up and left her bed. She decided to walk around the palace even though she knew her black dog would keep pace easily.
Moonlight lent the hallways an eerie glow, so unlike the lights she could create in her ice. Slashes of brilliance fell across the hallways from the tall windows, bordered by shadows. When she stepped through them another Elsa was projected in shadow to match her step for step.
She had read once in poetry that your shadow or reflection was an opposite of you and for a brief moment she thought of a cheerful and happy Elsa who had nothing to fear and no sadness snapping at her heels. An Elsa who hadn't spent most of her life alone.
Again her mood dropped. Elsa sighed and scrubbed at her forehead, a physical attempt to push away the dark thoughts. But like a faithful hound they came right back.
She had walked only a little way down the hallway, tarrying unconsciously to avoid reaching or passing her sister's door. It was close now and Elsa paused, clasping her arms around herself and gripping her elbows. She did not want to disturb Anna's sleep. Her sister deserved peace and rest. It was Elsa's penance to have fraught dreams and disturbed nights. A just recompense for killing her sister, however temporary that condition had been.
Anna's door was ajar, only slightly. Though she would never admit it, closed doors held some sway over her and Elsa knew exactly why. Another black mark on her soul.
Elsa passed quietly, not intending to enter the room but a flash in her mind of a cold blue figure and she was hurrying in to reassure herself that Anna was fine, Anna had thawed and Anna was still Anna. Her hands clenched against her chest and together.
Although the room was dark Elsa navigated it easily, past dropped dresses and abandoned shoes. She reached her goal and finally exhaled her held breath.
It was unmistakably Anna in front of her. Sprawling over the bed, limbs akimbo and a tangle of askew sheets and blankets. Her hair resembled the fuzzy seed pods of the brushland in late summer and she was breathing with the slightest of not-quite-genteel snores.
The tightness in Elsa's chest subsided and her hands clutched to her heart slackened their grip on each other. Before she could stop her hand was reaching out to touch the living, energetic bright spot in her life. She drew back, ('Not in fear. Never. Not ever, I promised-stoppit!') when Anna twitched, groaned and rolled over in a jumble of flailing arms and dragged sheets.
Elsa was out of the room swiftly, ignoring her tears. A sob escaped, loud and clear but her feet were hurrying her away. "Don't feel it…" She whispered, pressing her fingertips together.
"Hmm, Elsa?" Anna woke from the noise and sat up scrubbing her eyes of sleep. "Elsa?" There was no sign of her sister but she could have sworn she heard the woman just moments ago. It was late at night though. Anna was about to turn over for sleep when a glint on the doorframe caught her eye.
Thick frosted ice shone in the moonlight. Only a single clump, like a trailing hand had hit the wood and left the unmistakable mark.
Elsa was upset. Anna needed to cheer her up. Despite the late hour and the great love Anna had for sleep, she loved her sister more. Gathering a blanket around her shoulders the princess stepped out into the sleeping palace.
It was silly really; this was her palace, her castle, her seat of power in her territory. She was Queen, she should feel proud and regal and confident. Still the black dog draped itself around her. Her thoughts strayed to another castle all of her own in a kingdom of her choosing with a towering palace created through her own hand. Even there she had felt the fear and sadness, even there where she desperately packed away and scrabbled to ignore the guilt and wretchedness storming inside.
The black dog had simply followed her around and consumed her when Anna had found her and shared the truth Elsa had deluded herself from. So caught up in her past again, Elsa hadn't noticed that she had stumbled so far as to reach her parent's door. Touching the smooth painted wood of the tall portal she sunk to the floor. Here was the reminder of everything she had failed at, she wasn't the perfect girl she was supposed to be, she wasn't even a good girl.
She hadn't concealed it and even now all she could do was feel it. Her tears froze and a pattern chased up the surface of the door and wall and across the floor.
Her black dog sat with its mistress. "Don't feel... Don't feel, please..."
"Elsa?" Anna's voice was soft and gentle as she approached her sister. Elsa looked almost wounded and for a moment Anna felt a sharp stab of worry that it was the case.
"Anna, I woke you… I'm sorry." Elsa's voice was small, feeble even. She turned to look at her sister with teary eyes. Anna joined her carefully, treading cautiously on the thin coating of ice to avoid slipping and falling.
"What's the matter Elsa?" Anna sat down, moving the blanket a little to Elsa's sister's position and leant her head against the door.
"You should get to bed Anna, I know you like your sleep." Elsa didn't move much, or look at the coppery head resting opposite hers, but she hesitantly lifted a hand to tap Anna's knee.
"You know, I sat here for hours after their funeral." Anna ignored the suggestion to leave. "I thought I could never move again and that I was all alone in the world. Well I was, with you all closed in - I know why now! I know most everything... but it hurt then…" She noticed Elsa's face crumple into sadness once more, her posture tightened. "This isn't really what I was trying to get at…" Anna scooched closer to Elsa, still resting her head on the door but now with bare inches between them. "Hi."
"Hi?" Elsa repeated, confused.
"The first word you said to me. It sounded so easy for you to do while I was still floundering about trying to figure out how to speak to you." Anna kept her eyes on Elsa's.
"I saw you looking a little nervous." Elsa said; her voice low from sadness but rising a little. "It felt like something I could say after so long."
"It was the best part of the ball, now that I can look back at everything." Anna said, carefully placing a hand against Elsa's knee. "I knew you didn't have to speak to me, there were so many other people you could have kept busy with. Now I know just how much you love me, everything you sacrificed for me… I get a bit angry at how I acted."
"You don't need to." Elsa also bridged the gap between them with her arm, then shuffled in to place her head on Anna's shoulder. When Anna moved her arms to embrace her, the black dog grumbled and shifted aside a little. "I think if everything had gone any other way we'd still be closed up in our isolated worlds."
"You still do it though." Anna accused, keeping her tone mild but punctuating it with a poke. "Right now." She felt her sister try to pull away. "I understand though. You can't change a lifetime of habit right away… I just want you to know I am here for you." Elsa stopped her escape.
"You should hate me."
"When have I ever done what I should do?" Anna giggled and felt rather than heard Elsa's answering laugh, as weak and tearful as it was. "Now, it is late and I know I need to get some sleep and you need sleep too." Anna slipped out of the embrace and took Elsa's hands. The frost had melted away and wasn't a danger, she pulled her sister up and hugged her again. "Come on." She arranged the blanket so that it covered them both and guided Elsa away from the closed doors.
As Anna led Elsa back down the corridor, holding her hand, Elsa began to feel a little less overwhelmed by her thoughts and emotions. Bitterly she wondered it was mainly because her mind was as tired as her body. She didn't protest as Anna led her into the blue bedroom, or when her sister pushed her to the bed and snuggled up beside her and pulled the sheets up over them both.
"G'night Elsa," Anna whispered, "Love you."
"Goodnight Anna, I love you too." Elsa whispered back, holding the hands wrapped around her.
They woke in the morning sunlight, later than usual but Elsa put that down to Kai or Gerda leaving them to sleep. She was feeling better than the night before, well rested for once and without the lingering guilt that settled into her mind soon after waking. Beside her Anna stirred and grumbled about the sunlight. "Good morning Anna."
"Morning Elsa…" Anna exhaled more than spoke and yawned wide. "Elsa?" She looked around. "Oh, so it wasn't just a dream." Anna grinned and landed on Elsa without warning.
"Ooph, what is this in aid of?" Elsa said, trapped under Anna in a hug.
"Oh, just 'cause I love you so much." Anna punctuated her words by snuggling her head against Elsa.
"Okay." Elsa didn't really have an argument against that and her mood was so lifted she didn't really want to. Her black dog had no space with Anna wrapped around her. "But it is breakfast time soon." The stomach growl that sounded out was certainly Anna.
"Heh, yeah. Breakfast sounds like a good idea." They left the bed to dress and wander down to the dining room. Anna kept on sneaking looks at Elsa, checking if she was still melancholy at all. She understood why her older sister felt the way she did sometimes and Anna knew that Elsa simply needed support and love, understanding and sometimes quiet company and the reminder that she wasn't alone.
For the first time in forever, Elsa would receive just that.
I have battled depression and anxiety issues on and off for ten years, sometimes that black dog is sat upon me or walking so close by... It helps tp have family support and understanding.
I hope you enjoyed this story.