When my girlfriend went missing a year ago and I wasn't sure how to react. We had been one of those couples who were on and off making many believe we were not entirely serious about where it was going. Normally when things went wrong I knew she was on the other end of her skype and if I wanted to talk to her I could. I understood what it was to miss her. But to not have any way at all of talking to her made me feel as though I part of me had been ripped away. Because I am a person who does not require company as much as many and that is something she could understand. She understood me more than anyone. It made me realise just how much she meant to me. I feel a fool for not appreciating her existence as much as I should have. For not ever understanding her and for being such a socially awkward being. What makes me feel the worst is that I never bothered to go out a look for her. I was a lazy teenager who cared only for a machine that amused my media eager mind. But I know that I used it as copying mechanism with dealing with the fact that she was gone. She gave my little insignificant life a meaning. I can now honestly say that what happened has changed me, but whether it is for the better or worse? That I am unaware of.
There was a bitter wind biting and lashing at my face as I stood and admired my once childhood home. I felt it to be better to think about things that would make me feel human again than to wallow in my own regret, guilt and the fact that I was missing a piece of me. Yet my mind became distracted by this fact and plunged itself into the darkest pits of my sleepless nights and forced myself to think about her. She was what made me feel a whole person. If you were to think about a yin gang yang symbol as a persona that was us. However a generic idea that may be. My throat becomes tight when I think of her eyes as she looks at me, an eyebrow creeping up creating a look of confusion on her face. It was this expression I received when I came out with a nonsensical shit that was flashing through my mind at the time. I catch myself before I begin to cry because I know it's just going to make my face burn when the wind beats my face even more, when I climb slightly higher in altitude. However I consider for a moment whether this is the universe's way of punishing me for my lax way of dealing with her absence.
I shift my body and made my way up the road that leads to what would look like to many was an endless sea of bracken but to me it is child tainted memories of joy and pleasure. I reach a section of the nearby river and feel it lick and stroke my hand as I drag it through the weeds bellow. Before I yank it out of the freezing waters I notice someone completely out of place of this water's city. I small crawfish made its way gently across the sediment raising the question of why would it be surviving in this season. It is such a bare and naked creature. I consider whether killing it would be a good option to save it the hassles of the upcoming weather. But upon reconsideration I decide I am not the one to make that decision and I never will be.
I suddenly feel my muscles tensing as spontaneous adrenaline rush comes over me and I pelt from the river across the marshy lands. By the time I have burned out I am at least 400 meters from the river, surprisingly seeing as though I spend most of my time indoors. I slump to the floor and stare out to the creeping fells in front of me.
With a blink of an eye I see her. Obviously I blink again to see if it is merely the effects of my overt exercise that is causing this but she is still there. Oh yes it is definitely her. Her hair is whipping about around her as she looks to me wither her wide and judging eyes. It was something that I disliked about her, the fact that whenever she looked to something it was as if she was considering every way to avoid it due to its harsh exterior as she saw it. I caught my breath and tried blinking again. Yet this time I leap back in a fit of fright as she is now right in front of me. I automatically want to react by going to tickle her as I always have done when she used to jump out at me. However this time I cannot because instead of being greeted by her harsh hazel eyes as I was used to, she was there stripping me down of my sanity with her silver metallic eyes.
This all begged the question of where she had been.