The Joker whom was rarely, if ever in a mood that would be construed as serious was indeed in a particularly grim frame of mind that day as he surveyed his various henchmen starring fixedly at the pages of various books and posters stolen from the local Gotham mall. It was offensive; rather then gorging themselves over tales of the considerable explosion and the chaos that ensued as people ran for their lives; his henchmen were too preoccupied in reading books with shiny covers with pictures of apples and chest pieces on the front.
He viciously tore a book from the hands of his dimwitted lackey and examined the book and its pages when he was suddenly confronted by the picture on the back cover of the most beautiful, gorgeous, awesome and insanely attractive man..er, boy he had ever seen. He couldn't help but stare fixedly at this transcendent sight, for it was truly hypnotic and the fact was that the Joker couldn't find any better words to describe said boy then that did not bother him in the least bit. "Well, hello beautiful" He whispered while stroking the page reverently.
When his partner in crime, Jonathan Crane AKA, The Scarecrow, walked into the room with his sophisticated yet coldly domineering manner, he was quite annoyed to see his frie..no, he didn't have friends; associate, hypnotized by the picture within the book from what was obviously the Twilight series.
Oh this was Crane's absolute worst fear and he was experiencing it now without even using his new toxin. To see the Joker caught within Edward Cullen's hypnotic grasp was more then Crane could bear.
He ripped the novel from the Joker's hands, instantly, while setting the book on fire all in the same turn. The Joker turned to him enraged, pulling out his favorite knife and proceeded to march towards his partner with the intent on finishing him for burning up the picture of his now intended soul mate.
Fortunately for Crane, he had managed to jam a needle into the Joker's arm at the same time filled with a potent anti-Edward serum which he had spent considerable time and his supreme intellect to create within his lab. By the time, the Joker reached him, the serum had taken effect and the Joker was himself again…whatever that was.
The henchmen were of course unperturbed by these events still fixed on the various posters, books and memorabilia. The Joker let out of howl of rage, screaming, "Useless traitors!" Crane used that moment to spray the men with his fear toxin whom all collapsed to the floor, shrieking in horror, seeing visions of their greatest fear which of course was the gruesome death of Edward and Bella as well as the rest of the Cullens. It was too much! The men went into catatonia at the very thought that Edward and Bella would be replaced by actual quality literary figures! How truly terrifying would that be?
The Joker and Crane left the room to converse privately about the dilemma. But suddenly, a figure appeared or flew into the room, coming visible before them with a face that was pale and aquiline with black hair and a long flowing cape.
Crane raised his arm threatening to release his fear toxin. "Who are you, if I may inquire?"
"Someone that has been long since forgotten due to this tragic turn of events." The figure spoke with a lilting accent as he held up the novel that caused such consternation in the first place.
"Forgive me, my name is Dracula." There was a momentary pause for effect but all the Joker and Crane could do was to look at each other puzzled by the name.
The Joker shrugged and started to ponder whether to ask the new visitor if he knew how the Joker got his scars. Certainly, you could never ask that question too many times and he had a hundred different answers ready for any given opportunity!
Crane was bored. So very, very bored that he would rather spray the visitor first and ask questions later but before he could do that, the creature named Dracula spoke again.
"That will have no affect on my kind." The man chucked. "I mean, our true kind." He quirked his eyebrow. "I came to offer a temporary truce so that we pursue a true threat to all fictional villains everywhere."
"And what would that be?" The Joker licked his lips in excitement. He was a dog chasing cars after all.
It was a truly perfect day for Edward and Bella. Well, perfect as it could be for Edward. Cloudy and rainy. They had just defeated the army of the newly created vampires and with Victoria dead, life could hardly get any better then this. They were both heading into the forest and Bella was staring at the ring on her finger, trying to figure out how to best tell Edward how ugly it was and whether she could get a diamond instead. The family was rich after all. Since Edward apparently couldn't read Bella's thoughts, it was going to be a long day to lead up for that subject but then Bella didn't mind. They would have all eternity. If she was lucky, she could get a diamond ring for every day of the month!
Edward was after all, insanely gorgeous, absolutely beautiful, etc and because of that, as they walked even the squirrels, deer and other wild creatures were staring at him in absolute wonder and delight. Bella couldn't as well think of other descriptive words for Edward because such adjectives were not a part of her vocabulary and due to his hypnotic nature, whenever someone else saw him, apparently the better descriptive words left their vocabulary too.
Edward was ever so happy to be alone with Bella on this cloudy day because truly, when it was sunny, all that glitter made his skin itch and sun block or aloe Vera just didn't help.
It was then that they reached the clearing that was such a wonderful, beautiful, gorgeous spot for them to lie down and stare at each other that they noticed that there were already people there!
But how could anyone else know? After all, they were the hero's and this was the part where Bella and he would celebrate their success in this venture.
He sensed the people were human so obviously he couldn't kill them and as they drew closer, there appeared a man with greasy clown makeup to complement in greasy blond hair, and another man with a burlap sack over his head dressed in a suit.
A creature suddenly flew out of the surrounding trees and there before Edward and Bella's very eyes, a man materialized. Edward was stunned but so far not terribly afraid. There were not very many creatures with the exception of the Volturi that could resist his wondrous beauty.
But the bat turned man creature smiled as he approached and Edward saw that he had sharp pointed teeth. What are those for? Edward asked himself.
The man turned bat creature smiled and said, "You'll find that your beatific charms won't work on me."
Bella turned to Edward, adrenaline racing which meant that apart from the real Edward, she also saw multiple hallucinations of him too but that was all very confusing because they were all saying different things. "Run, Bella.", "No Bella, don't run. Lie to him.", "No Bella, honesty is the best policy."…. and so forth.
She started to spin around in circles where she stood and asked out loud. "Edward, which advice should I follow?"
Edward shook his head and sighed and turned back to the man. "What do you want? Who are you?"
"For you to desist making a mockery of vampires everywhere." He walked closer. "How do you think I feel when I drink from your fans and they don't know the name Dracula?"
Edward paused and Bella looked up at him with confusion. "Who is Dracula?" They both asked at the same time.
"Exactly." The creature started to walk away as Edward was still trying to work out all the information in his head. While Dracula walked he noticed the sun starting to peak out from the clouds and immediately yanked out his umbrella and One million SPF sunblock, rubbing his arms with the liquid frantically. Unfortunately, one exposed patch of his arm caught fire from the sunlight and he furiously jumped back into the shade while smoldering the flames with the material of his clock.
"Wait, you're a vampire too?" Edward asked. Dracula, the Joker and Crane could all together almost see the mental wheels turning in Edward's mind trying to process this information. Edward then put his hands on his hips, glaring at them menacingly which didn't do much but only made him that much more gorgeous to behold. Bella nearly swooned at the sight.
"If you're a vampire," Edward countered, "Why doesn't your skin sparkle?"
Dracula groaned and turned to Crane and the Joker. "Your turn."
Edward was already well in front of Bella whom hung back. She never really fought and wasn't going to start now. What would people think if she was suddenly not the damsel in distress anymore? She didn't want to even consider that profound embarrassment.
Edward was still turning over in his mind just whom Dracula was as the name sounded a bit familiar although he couldn't place it. But as he got nearer, the man with the Burlap sack over his head lifted his arm and sprayed him with a bunch of white powder.
Well, that's not very ni…he started to think and then suddenly before his eyes, horrendous images came to life. The trees of the forest all came alive and became monstrous while the animals mutated. He looked for Bella but couldn't see her but he knew he had to protect her from all these vicious monsters! Suddenly the most incredibly vicious apparition came up behind him. Indeed it was Victoria, reanimated and grotesque, pieces of her flesh hanging from bone, worms and maggots cycling their way through her exposed chest cavity. Without thinking twice, he viciously snapped her neck, taking her head clear off and then tossed it to the other side of the field.
"Oh…he-he, ho-he, he-ho." The clown was laughing. Edwards's vision was starting to clear and the trees and animals seemed to go back to normal.
"What did I tell ya?" The Joker turned to Dracula with a look of absolute glee as Edward looked down upon his hands in horror to see that they were riddled with blood.
There shouldn't have been any blood because Victoria… but then when he looked to the ground expecting to see the rotting remains of Victoria's corpse, he saw Bella's sweater soaked in blood along with the rest of her…everything except for her head and he knew where that would be.
Edward started to scream and ever so loudly it drew the attention of the werewolf pact that his rival Jacob had joined. It didn't take long for them to deduce what Edward did when they appeared on the scene and they were on him in a flash. Edward stood still waiting for death because without Bella hanging on his every word or thinking he was the reason for her being, there was not much point in living any longer.
Dracula, the Joker and Crane whom watched from a safe distance were very well satisfied. Now, the spell of Twilight would be broken and the Joker and Crane could continue their chaos while Dracula could regain his name and popularity as the true historical vampire of legend.
Elsewhere, around the world, teenagers and adults both started emerging from their homes and a theater, clutching their heads in agony as the spell of Edward's hypnotic beauty was lifted. Some laughed and some cried while some could only think about all the energy and brain cells they wasted.
It proved to be a difficult challenge for people to recover the intellect they had lost in those months of reading or watching Twilight while many shared stories about all the time that had been lost, just gone forever. That was time they would never get back. Indeed, that was tragic.
Author's note:
I'm not going to apologize. I find Twilight a bane of my existence and it gave me some form of pleasure to write this story. Any insults I might receive in defense of Twilight I would actually consider a mark of honor.
Thank you Royalty09 for the umbrella