TITLE: plea AUTHOR: Athena Asamiya <empresskatzy@hotmail.com> SERIES: Guilty Gear TYPE: Part 3/5 in the Amor Exitiabilis Est series. RATING: PG-13 WARNING: Harsh language, implied Solky yaoi. Suki~ ^^<3 SETTING: Right after Sol stole the Fuenken and left the Seikishidan, but before for the first game. THEME: The entire finger eleven Tip CD. Pick any song and it makes sense. ^_~ COMMENTS: Fweeee, my very first GG fic ever! ^^;; Though I can't really explain how it ended up getting stuck right in the middle of Amor Exitiabilis Est...wrote this one mightily fast after being hit with inspiration from reading the Guilty Gear X Drafting Artworks book. This is a Sol POV/Solky focus fanfic, just because I like getting into kitsune-chan's head. ^_~ And somehow, this fanfic has even ended up with an award -- it took Honourable Mention for Character Study at Anime North 2001's Fanfiction Contest. ^^;; Eheh, yeah. Enjoy. ^_^ Next up: part 4, justify, the counterfic to this one -- from Ky-chan's point of view! ^^
I'm getting really tired of trying to escape from myself. I've been
in existence - not born - for nearly 150 years now, and life's fucked around
with me way too much for me to want to hang around much longer. Day in, day
out, I'm forced to live with my sins, live with myself and the knowledge of
what I am. It's getting to be a pain in the ass. It wouldn't be so bad
if I wasn't able to feel, to not care about anything that I've done, but
that was my price for the shred of humanity that I possess. Emotions,
both a blessing and a curse.
But it's the only thing that separates me from the rest of them.
...other than that, there's no difference, none at all...
Sometimes, I can still hear the voices, calling me by that old name
I'd given up when I said to hell with my heritage. Flame of Corruption.
The prototype Gear, the first ungodly creation by some dark scientist in
an underworld laboratory, for the pure purpose of chaos and carnage.
Me.
It's a really bizarre feeling, knowing that you were created. That
you're not human, that you were made out of parts and DNA and injections.
Then again, I suppose it's not that different from a normal human --
except that normal humans aren't put together in labs, piece by piece.
Gears are.
Like you.
Gears symbolized everything that was wrong with this world. Inhuman
soldiers, killing machines, devils, robots, nightmares...I've heard them
called everything by the humans. And all Gears are like that. Freakish
combinations of human and animal DNA, fused by magical energy, none really
humanoid, created for no purpose other than obeying the twisted wishes of
their masters-
No emotions. No feelings. No free will.
Not human. Not even remotely human.
Demon.
But you...you, Sol, a human name for an inhuman creature...
I was the only one. The only one who was close to being human,
that is. The prototype was created to be an emulation of a real human,
almost like a sick parody, before the bastards changed their minds and
decided to make the rest of the Gears mechanical slaves instead. All Gears
were controlled. None of them even looked human enough to pass for one.
And the human race itself hated them.
Because of Justice.
Maybe Justice was just an excuse. It's true that human beings fear
what they don't understand. Beings such as Gears are threatening to their
safe little reality, their idea of what is true and what can exist. I
don't think humans ever really accepted Gears into their society in the
first place, save for the power-hungry assholes that needed advantages
in the underworld wars. Gears, the biological weapons of the future --
stronger, faster, and more disposable than human soldiers.
But there was a flaw. Justice.
Justice, Gear-01 and the only other Gear with free will and self-
awareness, was the first of us to realize the truth of our existence.
Gears were the tools of humans. We were used to create havoc and war.
In a way, the human race was as corrupt as the Gear race, and that was
part of Justice's reasoning for starting the war. He believed that as
long as mankind was allowed to rule, Gears would always be their pawns,
never having freedom of their own. He believed he was doing the right
thing by leading the Gears against mankind. And while the humans saw
him as evil and mistaken, ironically, Justice was fighting for what he
believed to be true justice. His truth, and the truth of Gears.
...was he wrong, or was he right all along....?
Like I said before, I think Justice was just an excuse for the
human race to turn against the Gears. Or maybe it was the other way
around. The Crusades showed that humans and Gears can't co-exist, which
is true. I really wonder why no one figured that out sooner. It had to
take a whole goddamn war to prove it. Death on both sides and destruction
all over the world. What a stupid waste.
It was over now. And it was all for nothing.
Disregarding my brief knighthood, I hadn't played a big part in the
Crusades. It just wasn't my concern, or at least I told myself that.
After all, I was neither human nor a true Gear, so I felt no real obligation
to either side. Nor did I feel any pity or remorse for all the lives taken,
both human and Gear.
Justice hadn't been able to control me like he had the rest of
the Gears. Yet another way for life to show me that I don't have a place
in this world.
...but you're more Gear than human. Just an artificial shell
with emotions and will. Deep down, you're like the rest of them, aren't
you? You're all just the same, the same stupid fucking machines, mindless
puppets of humans, the same the same the same--
I want to believe it. Hell, I want to believe it more than anything
else in this world. But I've felt damned for just about forever now. Cursed
for being the only one of my kind, the only being on this Earth that didn't
have a place to belong.
More complications...
And then there was the boy.
I couldn't even begin to guess what he would think if he found out
what I was. Actually, I could. Monster, he'd think, blasphemy, demon,
obscenity. And if he knew...if he knew what I truly was...no. He wouldn't
even consider it; it wouldn't be possible in his mind.
He was such a blind fool. And it was because he loved me.
It was so stupidly ironic, I almost had to laugh. He didn't have
any idea, but if he did, I'm sure he would be disgusted at the thought that
he loved one of the very evil abominations that he hated. But he was so
ignorant of the truth. The boy loved me. And I-
you love him
Love was a human emotion. Something I was never meant to have,
something I never saw a need for. Although I act like one, look like
one, I wasn't created to be an exact replica of a human. I was just
supposed to be a machine, a soulless, emotionless robot without such
useless things as feelings-
...how many times does life have to remind you that you're not
human...?
I didn't care for emotion until I met the boy. Up until that
point, the over-100 years I had already lived were just a monotonous blur,
an endless cycle of worthless time and even more worthless acts. If it
hadn't been for my ambition to destroy all the Gears, I doubt I would
have even had a reason to live. I would have destroyed myself a long
time ago, and been done with it. The only thing that kept me going,
throughout the long, empty centuries, was my goal to free this world
of the plague that was the Gear race.
and you-
After I had finished my task, I would be able to die without regret.
I'd be able to die by my own hand, knowing that there were no more Gears
left in this world -- including me. I didn't give a damn about my life.
It wasn't like I really had anything else to live for.
But when I met the boy...
On the day when I was inducted into the Seikishidan, I had no idea
what the hell I was doing. I had been making a pretty good living out of
being a bounty hunter as well as a Gear hunter, and it wasn't like I gave
a damn about those self-righteous idiots and their heroic crusades. Still,
when that old man tracked me down and asked that I join their group, I
figured hey, what the hell. Something to pass the time.
Then I was introduced to the new leader of the Seikishidan. A
French kid named Ky Kiske, all chivalry and purity and innocence. He held
out his hand and smiled at me.
Something changed.
...what?
Of course, I didn't show it. I just smirked and walked past him,
hoping to God that nothing was showing on my face but contempt. And it
worked, all too well. Every opportunity I had, I defied the boy and his
leadership, acting disobedient, disrespectful, and just a general asshole.
It was my nature, but most of it was exaggerated because I didn't want him
to see what I really felt. I loved pissing the boy off. And even though
he was often frustrated and annoyed by me, I could tell that he felt
something. Something he didn't want to admit to anyone, not even himself.
-felt something for you-
I don't know what first attracted me to the boy. I think that it
was probably his sinlessness, his incorruption. The boy had faith, virtue,
integrity. He was everything I wasn't, and that amused me. The boy's
hands were still clean. Mine were forever stained.
Did you want to be the one to take his innocence...?
I can admit to that. Yes. I think it bothered me, seeing him so
chaste and pure. I couldn't stand it, especially when I compared him
to me. It was ridiculous, someone being that innocent when everything
in this world was so fucked-up. I wanted to show him that things weren't
as hopeful as they seemed. I wanted to show him that he was wrong.
For the first time, I wanted to show someone my existence.
I wanted to feel something other than the apathy and the emptiness.
I wanted someone.
...And that was when you realized the meaning of emotions.
The emotion love, I could understand a bit -- if you could really
call it love. But lust and obsession were complete surprises to me. It was
what I felt. I still annoyed the boy, like I always had, but underneath,
I carried the realization: that I wanted the boy, and I wanted him for
myself.
I waited. And I found my opportunity.
I don't want to say that I seduced the boy. It probably looked like
that, though, like he was totally unwilling to my actions. But that wasn't
true. I could tell that he wanted it as much as I did, even through the
constant denial, as I took him for my own that night.
I enjoyed it.
The boy gave me what I needed. A sense of identity, something that
I'll never forget. It was then, at that very moment, for once in my entire,
hellish existence...I knew what I was, and where I belonged.
But it was too much.
...You realized what you were. You realized that you didn't deserve
it. You didn't deserve him.
I could still see his face, his angelic face, framed by the moonlight
as he slept. He was beautiful, that boy. Whether or not he loved me or hated
me when he woke up, I had already decided that I wouldn't be around to see it.
I couldn't take this, the truths the boy was awakening within me.
-just too much-
So, pushing all feelings of regret and shame aside, I had left him there.
I had turned and left, stealing the Seikishidan's precious sword, the Fuenken,
to take as my own. A souvenir, I suppose, to remind me of the short knighthood
that had brought me awareness. That night, I escaped from the Seikishidan, the
boy, and the emotions that frightened me more than anything ever had.
I walked away from the only proof that I was human as well as Gear.
No use dwelling on it now, though. That part of my life was finished,
and I was free again.
...aren't you lonely now...?
I don't feel "loneliness". It's just a word to me, nothing more.
...but you're lonely.
I really wonder sometimes.
Do you like being alone?
Not always.
You want the loneliness to go away. You don't want to be alone
anymore. You want him.
No shit. But it could never happen.
Why not?
Because-
He has a soul. You don't.
The angel and the devil. What a joke. I feel like laughing again.
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