Probably Wouldn't Be This Way

by amandajz

What if Johnny died? How would Lulu cope? Lulu reflects on her time with Johnny as she struggles to move on without the love of her life. One-Shot

This is completely based on the song Probably Wouldn't Be This Way by LeAnn Rimes. Although sad, it's absolutely one of my all-time favorite songs and I encourage you to listen to it if you've never heard it before. This idea came to me while listening to the song and I just ran with it. This is from Lulu's POV and it's just my take on things. The lyrics are in italics. I really hope you enjoy it because I worked really hard on it. Comments are always appreciated...so please let me know what you think.

Probably Wouldn't Be This Way

Got a date a week from Friday with the preacher's son
Everybody says he's crazy
I'll have to see

Crazy. That was often the word that people used to describe Johnny Zacchara. People said he was a lot of things…wild and dangerous, cruel and ruthless, pampered and spoiled. But most of all he was crazy. Many people said he was just like his father, mob kingpin Anthony Zacchara. Rumor had it that Anthony would do anything and everything in his power to get what he wanted, including taking the lives of innocent people. Johnny was supposedly just like his father, if not worse. He already had Zacchara blood running through him, making him dangerous by association. It didn't help that the groundwork was being laid for him to take over his father's empire. His birthright, coupled with the fact that he had grown up with only his father's influence, made him the most feared man to ever set foot in Port Charles.

Sonny and Jason had warned me to stay away from Johnny thousands of times. According to them, not only was he the enemy, but he was an unstable and unrelenting monster. If his lifestyle didn't hurt me or endanger me in any way, then he surely would. And in addition to risking my own life if I chose to associate with Johnny Zacchara, I would also risk the lives of everyone around me. I was to stay away from Johnny for my own safety and the safety of those I cared about. They told me that he would bring me nothing but danger and heartache. If I chose to ignore everyone's warnings, it would only be a matter of time before Johnny shattered my whole world they said.

At the time, I just thought Jason and Sonny were overreacting and being overprotective, as usual. Not only did I not know Johnny at that point in my life, but I had no intention of meeting him or associating with him in any way. Little did I know that fate had other plans for me and that Sonny and Jason's words of wisdom would one day ring true.

I finally moved to Jackson when the summer came
I won't have to pay that boy to rake my leaves

Although I had always been one to go against authority and brush off the advice of others, I had no intention of disobeying Sonny and Jason after they had warned me about Johnny. I knew they had my best interests at heart and if they told me that Johnny Zacchara was bad news, who was I to doubt their claims?

But as it happened, fate had intervened and I had come upon Johnny by accident. I'll never forget the night that I first met him. I had been walking down the road, hoping to forget everything that had happened to me that day. All I wanted to do was get away and go someplace where no one knew who I was. Someplace where I could forget all my problems and pretend that I was someone else, at least for a night. So when I heard the low rumble of Johnny's yellow camaro, the first car I had come across all night, I did the first thing I could think of and stuck my thumb out, signaling that I needed a ride. As I approached his car, my heart started pounding in my chest and a million different scenarios ran through my head. I had no clue who the person inside of the car was and my head was screaming at me to back away and take off running through the woods that lined either side of the road. But my Spencer genes got the better of me and my sense of adventure took over, causing me to shake off my nerves as I peered inside of the car. All of the fears and nerves that I had possessed melted away as soon as my eyes met his. As my gaze locked with his chocolate brown orbs, a feeling of calmness washed over me, as if I knew there was no way that he would ever intentionally hurt me.

Johnny and I connected right away, and I felt as if I had known him forever. We spent the whole night just talking and joking around, and my thoughts never once drifted to Logan and the pain he had caused me. I barely knew Johnny and yet I found myself confiding in him, as if I knew I could trust him with my life. He completely captivated me…his voice, his eyes, his smile…and even though I denied it for the longest time, everything about him made me go weak in the knees.

Falling in love with Johnny was never part of the plan. He was just someone I could relate to and feel comfortable with. By the time I found out who he really was, it was too late to stay away from him. I had spent an entire night getting to know him, and I knew he was nothing like people described him to be. He was sweet and funny, caring and kind. He listened to me without judging and he never once criticized me for the mistakes I had made. After spending time with Johnny, I couldn't understand why Jason and Sonny had warned me against him. He was nothing like they described him to be. He wasn't cruel or crazy or a whack-job like his father. Sure, he liked to drive fast and stand on ledges of extremely tall buildings, but he liked the rush….he liked living life on the edge. And that was something I could definitely relate to. I myself was an adventure junky and I thrived off the rush of the unknown.

I had gotten to know the real Johnny, the person that he hid from other people. He wasn't dangerous or crazy, and I knew that that persona was just an act he put on to impress his father and to prove right the stereotypes that the entire world had already bestowed upon him. Everyone, from Sonny and Jason, to Carly and Spinelli, to my brothers and my dad, had encouraged me to break all ties with Johnny. And for once in my life I tried to respect the wishes of my family and friends, and I tried to steer clear of Johnny Zacchara in every possible way. But no matter what I did, nothing seemed to work. We were always thrown back together somehow, as if fate were trying to tell us something. The more time I spent with him, the more I never wanted to be away from him and the further in love with him I fell.

Johnny quickly became my entire world. When I wasn't with him, he was all I thought about and when I was with him, I couldn't get enough of him. The more people tried to tear us apart, the more united we became. We were determined to stick by one another no matter what and we vowed that we'd never let anything come between us. However, we never imagined that we'd be torn apart by a destiny that was beyond our control.

I'm probably going on and on
It seems I'm doing more of that these days

Although I was never really afraid of the danger that came along with Johnny's lifestyle, I still feared that it could one day tear us apart. Still though, I always assumed that tragedy would never fall upon us. I knew people died, I had witnessed it first hand with Emily and Georgie, two people that I loved dearly, but I for some reason was naïve enough to believe that Johnny and I were above that. I always thought that no matter how much danger we were in or no matter how close to death either of us came, some miracle would always save us.

But my assumptions were wrong, as usual. Not only did a miracle escape us, but Johnny was taken from me in the most unexpected way. He wasn't taken from me by a bullet or in some mob shoot-out. Rather, he was taken from me by the reckless driving of an alcoholic who didn't even have the right to be operating a vehicle. Being the amazing man that he was, Johnny had left his penthouse to go on a late-night ice cream run for me. I had given him a kiss before he left and told him that I loved him for being such a perfect boyfriend. I had assumed, like always, that he would be right back, but little did I know that I would soon receive a call that would turn my world upside down. Looking back on it now, it's safe to say that Johnny's death shook me to my core.

I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

After Johnny died, I completely shut myself off from the rest of the world. At first, I was so devastated that I refused to see anyone. After his funeral, I locked myself up in the Haunted Star. It was the place where I had nursed him back to health after he had injured himself while rescuing me from the Catacombs, the place where I had watched him play the piano for the first time, the place where we had first given ourselves to each other heart, body, and soul. It was the place that Johnny bought just to be close to me….it was the place I felt closest to him.

Carly and Nikolas had tried to visit me on several occasions, but I had refused to see them each time. I knew they were just trying to comfort me and get my mind off of Johnny, but the fact remained that nothing was going to make me forget about him. My mind was clouded with thoughts of him and the future we were supposed to have. Mike and Spinelli had also stopped by a few times, bringing me my favorite food from Kelly's. I politely accepted what they offered me, but I found myself throwing most of it away after they left. I only ate when it was necessary and I barely took the time to shower. I spent most of my time sitting in the corner booth, humming the melody of Claire de Lune and staring at the piano, imagining that Johnny was sitting there playing for me.

Tracy had actually visited me on several occasions, insisting that I needed someone to talk to. I barely spoke to her in hopes that she would leave me alone. I knew that she meant well, but I wasn't in the mood to hear her tell me that Johnny's death meant that I was safer in the long run. I didn't want to hear that Johnny's death was my gain, as Tracy so blatantly put it. She knew nothing about what I was feeling or how much he had meant to me. And if I told her that I would give anything to be with Johnny just one more day, danger be damned, I knew I would never hear the end of it.

On the last time Tracy had visited me, she had actually stayed longer than normal, rambling on and on about how it was Johnny's fault that I was shutting myself off from the rest of the world. It was Johnny's fault that I refused to take care of myself and that I had become a shell of my former self. It was Johnny's fault that I was ruining my life. Everything was just Johnny's fault. I would have been better off if I had never even met him, she said. When I didn't say anything and just sat there, staring at the piano, she mumbled something about it also being Johnny's fault that I had no spirit or fire left within me.

I suppose she was right on some level. If I had never met Johnny I certainly wouldn't have woken up at Shadybrook one day, wondering where the last two weeks of my life had gone. The last thing I remembered before the darkness overtook me was sitting by the piano in the Haunted Star, my fingers lightly running over the ivory keys as I imagined Johnny sitting next to me, giving me the piano lesson I had always begged him for.

My family immediately surrounded me when I woke up, wondering what I remembered and how I was feeling. After telling them what I last remembered, they told me that I had been in a catatonic state for two weeks and that someone had been with me day and night, trying to startle me from my precarious state. I had been unresponsive and they feared that I was destined to share the same fate as my mother. The doctors had told them that all hope had been lost and that they didn't expect me to make a full recovery. Unsure of what had made me rise above the darkness, they said that my recovery was a miracle, plain and simple.

What I didn't tell anyone was that Johnny's face was the first thing I saw as I slowly faded back to the present. While I wasn't sure exactly what that meant at the time, I was absolutely certain that he was the reason that I had overcome my seemingly sealed fate. He was my miracle.

Mama says that I just shouldn't speak to you
Susan says that I should just move on

After getting a clean bill of health and checking out of Shadybrook, I moved back to Johnny's penthouse. Claudia no longer lived there and the place was vacant, so I figured that I might as well make good use of it. I slowly got back to my life and started letting people in again. Kate had been understanding about everything and had graciously given me my job back. While working close with Maxie wasn't exactly my dream job, she had been a surprisingly good acquaintance through everything. She even let me leave early on my bad days, saying that she understood how difficult it was to lose someone that you loved.

Carly and Spinelli visited me on a weekly basis and I was grateful to have them in my life. They knew how to make me laugh and forget about the life I knew I should have been living, even if for only a couple of hours. Carly always relayed her problems to me, making me forget about my own, and Spinelli always knew what to say to make me feel better. They listened to me talk about my feelings and when I ran out of things to say, they simply sat with me, comforting me with their mere presence. They were both there for me during one of the hardest times of my life, and for that I'll always be thankful.

But after Spinelli and Carly left for the night, I was once again left alone with nothing but my never-ending thoughts. I would sit on the couch, my thoughts returning to Johnny and the memories we had shared. I would often think about the times that we had sat together on that very couch, my face buried in his shoulder as we watched a scary movie. My thoughts would then sometimes drift to the times when I had woken up in his arms. I had never felt safer or more at peace than when my head was resting on his chest, his arms wrapped securely around me. But each and every night before I drifted off to sleep, my mind would wander back to the one memory that I would gladly take back in a heartbeat. I had been standing on the balcony, enjoying the warm breeze and the bright stars of the night sky. Johnny had walked up behind me, wrapping his arms lovingly around my waist and whispering how much he loved me in my ear. I had turned around in his arms, giving him the best puppy-dog face I could muster while playfully begging him to go get me some ice cream. He had agreed without a second thought and I found myself wishing with all my heart that I hadn't been so selfish. If I hadn't made such a stupid request, he would probably still be with me today.

You oughta see the way these people look at me
When they see me 'round here talking to this stone

Each and every day after work, I find myself going to the cemetery. I often bring fresh flowers and set them atop his grave while I kneel down on the ground and slowly run my fingertips over the smooth etching in his stone. People often look at me funny as I talk to him about everything and anything. I tell him about my day and about how I wish more than anything in the world that he was still with me. I tell him of my hopes and dreams and my desires to be with him again one day. I always tell him that I love him before I leave and that I'll never regret the love that we shared, no matter how much heartache or pain that his death caused me.

Everybody thinks I've lost my mind
But I just take it day by day

Lucky and Tracy often told me that I was losing my mind. They said that going to Johnny's grave and talking to him was unhealthy and unstable. I should have been moving on and looking for someone else to spend the rest of my life with they said. I continuously ignored their thoughts and advice. Although I knew that it was somewhat unconventional for me to visit Johnny's grave every day, I didn't see what the big deal was. If it helped me cope with his death, then what was it to them? Going to his grave and sharing my thoughts with him made me feel closer to him, and it helped me realize that although he wasn't physically with me, he was with me in every other way that mattered. He was with me in spirit and he was in my heart, a place where no one could ever take him away from me.

Although I knew that Johnny would have wanted me to move on, I just wasn't ready yet. I knew I would never again experience the love that I had felt for him. He was the love of my life and I knew that nothing would ever compare to the way that he made me feel. I would move on when I was ready…I would move on when my heart was almost healed and I could give it to someone without any reservations on my part.

I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes I feel an angel's touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

While it's true that I wouldn't have faced nearly as much heartache or pain as I did if I had never met Johnny, I wouldn't trade our love or the time we spent together for anything in the world. His death turned my life upside down. It made me seclude myself from everyone that I loved and it made me fall into the darkness that everyone had told me would surround me if I didn't distance myself from him. It's funny that losing Johnny is what made me succumb to the darkness, when almost everyone had warned me that staying with him would bring me that same fate.

But while Johnny was ultimately the cause that made me fall into a world of nothingness, he was also what brought me back from it. I realize now that Johnny is the one who broke me out of my own little world. He wouldn't have wanted me to live a life secluded within myself and I honestly believe that he is the reason that I fought off the darkness that had threatened to overtake my life.

Although extremely difficult, I slowly overcame his death. Memories of him and his dreams of the future are what helped me to realize that he wouldn't want me to live my life missing him. He would have wanted me to go on with my life and to do the things I had always dreamed of. He would have wanted me to be happy and he would have wanted me to live my life the best I could without him. If I had never met Johnny, I wouldn't be the woman that I am today. Because of Johnny I am a stronger person….because of Johnny I am a better person.

Johnny was the first man that I had ever truly loved and if I had never met him, I would never have experienced the love of a lifetime. If I had never met him, I would never have gotten to know my soul mate….I would never have gotten to know the half that made me whole. Although I would give anything for Johnny to be alive and well again, I wouldn't trade the love we had or the time we spent together. I know that I'm one of the lucky ones. I got the chance to experience the love that some people only dream of, and for that I will always be grateful.

Got A Date a week from Friday with a preacher's son
Everybody says I'm crazy
Guess I'll have to see

I find it extremely ironic that I'm now the one that people think is crazy. Everyone had said that Johnny was the crazy one, but now that's what people are saying about me. They see me talking to his grave and they assume that I've gone completely off my rocker. What they don't understand is that just because Johnny is physically gone, that he isn't gone from my heart. Johnny will always have a piece of my heart and he'll always be a part of me. So for now on, I'll take what I can get. I'll hold on to what I have left of Johnny until the day that I die…until the day when we can finally be together again.

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