Talk Later!
I don't own Naruto.
Naruto Uzumaki had seen his share of bad days.
Today topped the list.
The blonde sped thru the village, his legs forming those little cartoon wheels and throwing up a massive cloud of dust.
"GANGWAY!"
Neji and Hinata were sparring when Neji stiffened. He abruptly swept Hinata up and out of the way as Naruto tore through the training ground before busting clean through several trees.
"W-Was that…N-Naruto-kun…?" Hinata asked.
"Um, yeah…" Neji replied, at a loss because A: the blonde idiot was acting stranger than normal and B: his beautiful and shapely cousin was clinging to him like a life preserver, her angelic face inches from his.
"Hinata-sama, can I set you down before I do something Hiashi-sama would kill me for?"
Tsunade had just found Jiraiya peeping on her (accidentally; he'd come to talk and Shizune neglected to inform him the Godaime was getting dressed at the time), thrown him out the top-floor window of Hokage Tower, followed him down, and was preparing to pound him into itsy bitsy pieces when a black-orange-and-yellow blur raced by, bumping into her. She was knocked over and went sprawling onto her former teammate.
"Well…this is…awkward…"
"Ooof! Tsunade, you mind getting up? You've packed on a little weight."
The next thing Jiraiya knew, his head was sticking up out of the ground and some guy was jabbering at him in an odd, foreign tongue while poking his head with a stick.
Naruto blasted through the gates like an ICBM.
"Hey! Where're you going?" one guard asked.
Naruto cocked a thumb over his shoulder while running. The two guards turned, looked…
And dove out of the way, swearing.
Somewhere near the border
"Well, well."
Kisame nudged Itachi.
"Look who it is."
The two members of Akatsuki grinned at the blonde ninja racing towards them.
"Hey, kid! Why don't you slow down and come with us?" Kisame asked in a sickly-sweet tone.
Naruto bowled them off their feet.
"Fighting later! Running now!"
He made several shadow clones.
"Alright, guys! Scatter! By the way, I'd run as well if I were you two!"
"Why?"
"Um…Itachi…" Kisame tapped him on the shoulder and pointed. Itachi went pale.
"OH SHIT! HOLD ON, NARUTO! WAIT FOR US!" Itachi cried as he and Kisame ran after the hyperactive blonde.
The Sound Country-Orochimaru's Lair
"Okay, Sasuke-kun," the Snake Sannin said in his discomfortingly smooth, effeminate voice. "Your training begins in earnest…now."
The two took ready stances, but before they could begin, three shinobi plus Kabuto burst into the room, slammed the door, bolted it several times, Itachi used Amaterasu to weld the hinges closed, and the two Akatsuki members used an earth jutsu to barricade the door.
"Dobe?" Sasuke blinked in confusion. "Itachi?"
"Do you…think we…lost her?" Kisame panted.
Naruto shook his head.
"She's not that dumb, shark-face."
"ITACHI!!!" Sasuke shouted in fury, launching himself at his older brother in full Curse Seal Level Two form, both hands crackling with his corrupted, purple-black version of the Chidori.
To his shock, and that of Orochimaru, it wasn't Itachi who blocked Sasuke's charge, or Kisame.
It was Naruto, who merely drove a Kyuubi-powered fist into Sasuke's gut.
"Now is not the time, teme!"
"What in the seven hells is the meaning of this?" Orochimaru bellowed.
Kisame looked at him.
"Do you have anyplace fortified enough and with enough provisions to withstand a siege by a homicidal kunoichi with super-strength?"
Orochimaru looked like he'd seen the devil himself.
"You three are running from Tsunade? What the hell did Naruto-kun do? Not even Jiraiya could make her go nuclear!"
"Not baa-chan," Naruto said with fear in his voice.
"Then who, dobe?"
There was a steady pounding on the sealed door, and a familiar voice sounded.
"NARUTOOOO! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR! YOU CAN'T RUN FOREVER, NARUTO!"
"Homicidal pink-haired psychopath," Naruto replied in a squeak.
"Huh?" Orochimaru was confused. Sasuke, however, caught on immediately.
"Orochimaru-sama is there a back door out of this place?" he asked in a panic.
The snake nodded.
"Then FOR THE LOVE OF KAMI-SAMA, GET US OUT OF HERE!" Sasuke yelled.
The six shinobi fled, the secret door closing seconds before the sealed entrance was ripped out of the wall and thrown into the room.
"Naruto, what did you do?" Sasuke demanded as they fled.
"It wasn't me! Kiba thought it would be funny to use a henge to transform into me, and…"
"Okay, I can't say I've ever said this before, but you've lost me completely," Orochimaru stated. "What is going on?"
Itachi replied.
"One of Naruto's friends decided it would be amusing to transform into Naruto, kiss the Haruno girl on the lips, flee, and watch the resulting bloodbath."
Kabuto's lips twitched into a small, brief smile.
"Naruto, does the Inuzuka hate you by any chance?"
The Kyuubi vessel shook his head.
"No. He did it for the same reason he spray-painted 'KIBA WUZ HERE' on the side of my apartment building next to the more common "Demon", "Freak", "Die," etc."
"Come again?"
Sasuke sighed.
"Inuzuka Kiba is a nice guy; he's just what you'd call an annoying jerk. So…yeah. Let's leave it at that."
Orochimaru sighed.
"So now we've got a homicidal, bipolar, hormonal kunoichi with anger-management problems and enough super-strength to pound us into paste, who, might I add, would gladly kill any of us at the drop of a hat, on our tails. Naruto, any chance we could take her if you used the Kyuubi's power?"
Naruto shook his head.
"The furball's strong, but even the King of Bijuu knows not to piss Sakura off."
"Can you calm her down?"
"Not when she's this mad. You don't know Sakura. She's put guys in the ICU for complimenting her 'development'." Sasuke replied.
"So?"
"Eventually, every one of them had to be taken off of life support."
"Ouch," Kabuto winced.
"How long has she been chasing you, boy?"
Naruto thought for a moment.
"Let's see…so far we've run through the Fire, Wind, Water, Earth, Lightning, Bear, Grass, Rain, Moon, Snow, Waterfall, Birds, Tea, Claw, Fang, Demon, Star, Forest, River, Honey, Red Beans, Stone, Swamp, Sea, Udon, Vegetable, Valleys, Wave, and now Sound Countries," Naruto replied, listing them off on his fingers. "In that order and backtracking through several multiple times."
"It hasn't even been two years since our last encounter!" Sasuke exclaimed. "No frikkin' way you could've been running that long!"
"No, Aniki," Itachi said patiently. "You don't understand. We've been through every country on the continent in a matter of hours. We've broken the records for the fastest overland speeds a hundred times over and the sound barrier countless times more."
"Damn. I knew Naruto has insane stamina, but…"
Kisame snorted.
"Insane? Kid, your pal here ran across an ocean to the water country. We've lost her just long enough to catch our breath countless times."
Orochimaru's head whipped around, his eyes wide as dinner plates. Not looking where he was going, he soon was lip-locked with a tree.
"The…pain…" he croaked.
"How did you manage that?" Kabuto asked, impressed, helping his master disengage himself from the tree.
"I kinda…gained all nine tails."
The two Akatsuki members facefaulted, somersaulted, but kept running.
"Impressive, but I don't…"Naruto began explaining.
"While tails number one thru six give equal boosts in power, speed, and chakra, tail seven gave me virtually instantaneous regeneration, which means my body no longer produces lactic acid or fatigue poisons, sort of like opening the Gate of Cleansing. Tail eight boosted my physical abilities to match Kyuubi's, while tail nine gave me instantaneous chakra regeneration. That's why Kyuubi's power is infinite; it recovers as fast as he spends it."
"Oh crap," Sasuke muttered. "Dead end."
"Now what?" Someone asked. Naruto gulped.
"It's me she wants. You guys go on. I'll stall her here."
"No. No way."
Everyone stared at Sasuke.
"I am not letting you face her alone, loser. I may hate your guts, but you're still like a brother to me."
"Well, then," Itachi said, placing his hands on their shoulders, "If I'm going to die, there's nothing I'd like better than to die fighting alongside my younger brothers."
"I'm with you, Itachi!" Kisame shouted.
"Well then," Orochimaru grumbled, "I guess I'll have to stay and bail your sorry asses out. Kabuto, get ready."
The six got into ready stances as trees were uprooted and sent flying out of the way. The ground started shaking as Sakura got closer…and closer…
She came into sight. Naruto drew a kunai, Kabuto created chakra scalpels, and Orochimaru, Sasuke, Itachi, and Kisame drew their Tsurugi swords, wakizashi, and Samehada.
"Naruto…" Sakura growled.
"N-Now, Sakura, I can explain…" Naruto began.
"Save it! If you think I'm going to let you kiss me and then run off…"
She was within striking distance.
To everyone's surprise, she embraced Naruto.
"Without letting you know how I felt, you're an idiot," she said, tearful. "How could you do that to me? Kiss me and run off? Don't you love me? You're worse than that bastard Sasuke!"
"Um, hello? Standing right here," Sasuke said, steamed.
"Oh, hey Sasuke. You mind giving us a minute?"
"Sakura, I…" Naruto began, cupping her chin with his fingers. "Of course I love you. I ran because…I thought you were going to kill me."
"I couldn't kill you, idiot," she retorted teasingly. "You're my whole world, Naruto. You were there for me when the one I supposedly loved wasn't. You cared for me even when I treated you like dirt."
"Which happened rather often," Sasuke pointed out. Itachi smacked him upside the head.
"Hush."
"You're kidding! You mean to tell me…" Kisame began. Naruto gave him a murderous look and mouthed 'if you finish that sentence, you are DEAD.' The shark shut up.
Sakura smiled up at Naruto.
"I love you, you baka fox-boy."
They kissed briefly before Sakura pulled away.
"But don't think that lets you off the hook, mister."
She gave him a wink.
"You want more, you're going to have to catch me," she said seductively.
"You're not going to tell her?" Orochimaru asked him in a whisper.
"Are you insane? Don't answer that. It was a rhetorical question. My dreams have come true. Why the hell would I ruin her illusions?"
Naruto gave a predatory grin.
"I'll give you a thirty-second head start. Thirty…twenty-nine…twenty-eight…"
Sakura squealed and vanished in a puff of smoke.
Naruto grinned and went Kyuubi.
"See ya, Sasuke-teme."
Pounding his chest like Tarzan, he threw his head back and bayed before leaping away on all fours.
"What's wrong, Sasuke-kun?" Orochimaru asked. "You seem depressed."
"Hm? Oh, it's nothing. Something I took to be a universal constant has been turned on its ear. You know…gravity, Newtonian physics…Sakura loving me…"
"I know how to cheer you up, little brother," Itachi said, giving Orochimaru a sinister smile that put the snake's to shame. "Oro-kun, why don't you tell Sasuke the real person who massacred our clan, hm?"
"What...what are you…?" Orochimaru spluttered.
"The person who tried to take my body, then henged into me and killed the clan in a hissy when the clan heads refused to give him Sasuke as an apprentice?" Itachi replied, smirking evilly.
The look Sasuke turned his mentor would have caused the devil himself to cry for mommy.
"You…" he snarled, Sharingan activating. "You…I'm going to KILL YOU!"
"How about it, little brother?" Itachi asked. "You feel like avenging our clan with your older brother? Afterwards, we'll get something to eat and I'll finally keep my promise to teach you some techniques…including an alternate way to get Mangekyo."
"You got it," Sasuke replied with a grin.
They advanced on Orochimaru, who backed up.
"N-Now, now, Sasuke, don't do anything rash," he pleaded. "Itachi, please, I'm begging you to reconsider!"
Itachi merely smirked.
"Payback's a bitch, ain't it?"
"Kabuto? Kabuto, help!"
"So, Yakushi-san," Kisame said, grinning. "Know any good places to eat?"
Kabuto grinned, pushing his glasses back into place.
"Think you can handle the biggest buffet in the country?"
"I'm a shark. What do you think?" Kisame shot back. They began walking away.
"Kabuto! Don't go! Please, help me!"
"Orochimaru-sama…" Kabuto said over his shoulder, stopping. "…consider this my resignation. Oh, and Sasuke…you can turn his body-switching process against him with your Sharingan."
The medic and the Kiri missing-nin walked away, laughing, as Orochimaru's anguished scream sounded through the forest.
"KABUTOOOOOO!"
Several Weeks Later
All's well that ends well, they say.
Naruto tended to agree with them.
With Sasuke, Itachi, Kisame, and Kabuto granted pardon and reinstated as Konoha shinobi, everything seemed peachy. His best friend was back, Team 7 was reunited as a six-man cell, and with the love of his life sleeping at his side, he was content.
Yet Naruto couldn't shake the feeling that he was forgetting something…
"Somebody, help!" Jiraiya shouted. "Send for the Hidden Leaf Village!"
The people gathered around him ignored him. The farmer who's field he was in grinned as he accepted the admission of numerous families there to see "the amazing melon-man".
AN: I know, I know. I was evil to poor Jiraiya, but I couldn't very well have Tsunade punch him clear thru to the other side of the world and then just leave him (and you, dear reader!) hanging, could I? And the Naruto in this is not the Naruto from my other story "Bless the Broken Road", as is obvious from the last two paragraphs and the second. That Naruto will be returning in a story/series that gives the other seven Bijuu captured by Akatsuki vessels (they don't have Kyuubi or Gobi, which is odd considering they have to seal the Bijuu in order or the statue self-destructs. We know it's Gobi, of Five-Tails, and not Hachibi, or Eight-Tails, because of the number of eyes lit up/opened on their statue; the one for Hachibi is glowing while Gobi's is not).