A/N- Just a little attempt at humour. The emails sent to each other by the characters in ASOUE. Review if you want
I own nothing
A series of Unfortunate events online
To: Klaus, Sunny, Duncan, Isadora, Quigley, Count Olaf, Lemony, Esme, Fernald, Flacutono, It, Powder faced lady 1, Powder faced Lady 2, Woman with hair but no beard, Man with beard but no hair
From: Violet
Subject: What?!
What is this all about? I was just sitting here inventing when a COMPUTER appeared out of NOWHERE in front of me. It has email and the internet and stuff on it. Who are all of you people on my contacts list? And is this one of Olaf's schemes?
To: Violet
From: Klaus
Subject: RE- What?!
I doubt Olaf is quite clever enough to make something appear out of thin air. But I might be wrong. I don't know how he would be able to hurt us with a computer though. Keep your eyes peeled
To: Violet
From: Count Olaf
Subject: RE- What?!
How dare you accuse me of setting this up! I am also a victim of the mysterious appearing computers! What have I ever done to you to deserve these accusations?
To: Count Olaf
From: Violet
Subject: RE- What?!
Hmmm... let us think about this for a moment. What could you possibly have ever done to us...? I think I could probably make a list of things you've done to us so big it would completely fill your inbox! And how did you get my email address? Actually, I don't care, just remove it straight away.
To: Violet
From: Count Olaf
Subject: RE- What?!
How about no?
To: Esmé, Fernald, Bald man with long nose, The genderless one, Powder faced lady 1, Powder faced lady 2, Woman with hair but no beard, Man with beard but no hair, Fiona, Hugo, Colette, Kevin, Carmelita
From: Count Olaf
Subject: For the good of evil
We must use this situation to our advantage! Find ways to annoy the goody goody orphans and VFD. This could be one of our greatest opportunities ever to defeat them!
P.S. If anyone knows who did make these computers appear, tell me so I can congratulate them
P.P.S. Esmé, I couldn't book us a table at café Salmonella for 8 p.m. on Saturday, will 7 p.m. be OK?
To: Klaus, Sunny, Duncan, Isadora, Quigley, Violet, Captain Widdershins, Hector, Jacques, Kit, Disguised member, disguised member, disguised member
From: Lemony
Subject: For the good of good
We must use this situation to our advantage! Find ways to annoy the evil Count Olaf and his horrible troupe. This could be one of our greatest opportunities ever to defeat them!
P.S. If anyone knows who did make these computers appear, tell me so I can congratulate them
P.P.S. Beatrice, now looking down on me from Heaven, why couldn't you have married me instead?
To: Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Duncan, Isadora, Quigley, Count Olaf, Lemony, Esmé, Fernald, Bald man with long nose, The genderless one, Powder faced lady 1, Powder faced lady 2, Woman with hair but no beard, Man with beard but no hair, Fiona, Captain Widdershins, Hugo, Colette, Kevin, Hector, Carmelita, Mr. Poe, Jacques, Kit, Disguised member, disguised member, Disguised member
From: Sir
Subject: Very important
Attached: LSLcatalog.wrd
Lucky smells Lumbermill is having a summer sale! Don't miss out on our great offers, including 25 off packs of 50 solid oak planks. For more information on these wonderful offers or anything in our catalogue, visit our showroom in Paltryville, email or or phone 01993 748369 and ask for sir.
Lucky smells- where the quality counts
To: Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Duncan, Isadora, Quigley, Count Olaf, Lemony, Esmé, Bald man with long nose, The genderless one, Powder faced lady 1, Powder faced lady 2, Woman with hair but no beard, Man with beard but no hair, Fiona, Captain Widdershins, Hugo, Colette, Kevin, , Hector, Carmelita, Mr. Poe, Jacques, Kit, Disguised member, Disguised member, Disguised member
From: Fernald
Subject: survey
Attached: survey.wrd
Fill in this survey and send it to as many people as possible in the next week to keep the bad luck away. If you send it to
0 people- You will die before you're forty
1-5 people- You will lose the love of your life
6-10 people- You will lose a fortune
11-15 people- You will break a bone
16-20 people- You will trip up
21-25 people- Nothing will happen to you
26-30 people- The love of your life will ask you out
31-35 people- The love of your life will marry you
36-40 people- You will gain a fortune in the next five years
41 people- You will gain a fortune in the next year
THESE THINGS ACTUALLY HAPPEN. Here is the story of one man who didn't heed the warning.
'I received the survey from a friend called O a few weeks before I was due to be married to a beautiful woman. I didn't have many friends, so I only sent it on to 4 people. My wife to be didn't bother to send it on at all. A week later she wrote me a very letter saying she couldn't marry me. Three weeks before her fortieth birthday, she perished in a fire. Believe the survey. Don't do what Beatrice and I did.' – Anonymous
To: Isadora
From: Klaus
Subject: Very funny
Attached: pigeondeterent.zip
You have to see this!
To: Isadora
From: Klaus
Subject: Huh?
I tried to send you something, but a message came up saying it was too big to send to you. It was only 50 KB. I think you need to clear out your inbox. Something must be clogging it up. And was it you who gave my address to Lucky smells lumbermill and 'captainhooks'. If it was then please don't do it again.
To: Fernald, Sir
From: Isadora
Subject: Junk
How do you stop e-mails getting through from annoying people? Stop emailing me junk! Do you really think I'm superstitious, or that I want to buy lumber? Your emails are blocking up my inbox and stopping important emails getting through.
If you send me spam ever again,
I'll buy a shotgun then blow out your brain.
To: Count Olaf
From: Fernald
Subject: Re- For the good of evil
I've managed to irritate at least one of the orphan brats! The only problem is, now sh's threatened to blow out my brain. Do you think she's serious?
To: Fernald
From: Count Olaf
Subject: Re- For the good of evil
Great idea, you MORON! Did it not occur to you that these annoying e-mails are being sent to me as well! Congratulations, you've succeeded in annoying me! I mean, the lucky smells one takes up 1.76 MB!! And what use would I have for solid oak planks?!?! Never give my address to these companies again. Ever!
To: Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Duncan, Isadora, Quigley, Count Olaf, Lemony, Esmé, Fernald, Bald man with long nose, The genderless one, Powder faced lady 1, Powder faced lady 2, Woman with hair but no beard, Man with beard but no hair, Fiona, Captain Widdershins, Hugo, Colette, Kevin, Hector, Carmelita, Mr. Poe, Jacques, Kit, Disguised member, Disguised member, Disguised member
From: Café salmonella
Subject: great new offer
Attached: Happy customer list
Now, at the exquisite café Salmonella, when you order two dishes at lunch or dinner, you pay for three dishes! Hurry, this offer can't last long
Café Salmonella- The innest restaurant in the innest district
Enclosed is a list of all of our satisfied customers.
To: Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Isadora, Quigley, Count Olaf, Lemony, Esmé, Fernald, Bald man with long nose, The genderless one, Powder faced lady 1, Powder faced lady 2, Woman with hair but no beard, Man with beard but no hair, Fiona, Captain Widdershins, Hugo, Colette, Kevin, Hector, Carmelita, Mr. Poe, Jacques, Kit, Disguised member, disguised member, disguised member
From: Duncan
Subject: grrrr...
Who is giving out my address to all of these places? When I find out who it is, I will be very, very annoyed.
To: Count Olaf
From: Bald man with long nose
Subject: hee hee
I've managed to annoy the orphans again! I think I deserve a raise! (Hint, hint)
To: Bald man with long nose
From: Count Olaf
Subject: RE- Hee hee
Why do I have such idiots working for me? (DO NOT answer that, it was a rhetorical question.) Didn't it occur to you that giving this café my email address means that they can pester me with their junk as well? My inbox is almost full with emails about their special offers. Never give out my address again, you cretin.
To: Count Olaf
From: Esmé
Subject: Dinner
Olaf, have you seen this café Salmonella ad? We MUST go there for dinner while this offer is still on. We can take Carmelita as well, families are in. Could you book us for Thursday? Saturday is out.
To: Esmé
From: Count Olaf
Subject: RE- dinner
Isn't '2 for the price of 3' more expensive than usual? And please don't make us take Carmelita. She'll just embarrass us.
To: Count Olaf
From: Esmé
Subject: RE- dinner
Expensive stuff is in as well. We have to take Carmelita, because people without children are out.
To: Esmé
From: Count Olaf
Subject: RE- dinner
Uh, Esmé, she's not our real daughter.
To: Count Olaf
From: Esmé
Subject: RE- dinner
So what?
To: Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Duncan, Isadora, Quigley, Count Olaf, Lemony, Esmé, Fernald, Bald man with long nose, The genderless one, Powder faced lady 1, Powder faced lady 2, Woman with hair but no beard, Man with beard but no hair, Fiona, Captain Widdershins, Hugo, Colette, Kevin, Hector, Carmelita, Mr. Poe, Jacques, Kit, Disguised member, Disguised member, Disguised member
From: Vice Principal Nero
Subject: Education
Attached: Brochure.wrd
Do you care for your children's education? Prufrock preparatory school can help. Just read the brochure attached, and then fill in the form beneath that and your children's education will be sorted.
Prufrock Prep- Memento Mori
To: Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Duncan, Isadora, Count Olaf, Lemony, Esmé, Fernald, Bald man with long nose, The genderless one, Powder faced lady 1, Powder faced lady 2, Woman with hair but no beard, Man with beard but no hair, Fiona, Captain Widdershins, Hugo, Colette, Kevin, , Hector, Carmelita, Mr. Poe, Jacques, Kit, Disguised member, Disguised member, Disguised member
From: Quigley
Subject: That's it!!!
I hate you all! Whoever is doing this must stop right now or I will personally find you and kill you. Olaf, we all know you're behind this!
To: Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Duncan, Isadora, Quigley, Lemony, Esmé, Fernald, Bald man with long nose, The genderless one, Powder faced lady 1, Powder faced lady 2, Woman with hair but no beard, Man with beard but no hair, Fiona, Captain Widdershins, Hugo, Colette, Kevin, , Hector, Carmelita, Mr. Poe, Jacques, Kit, Disguised member, Disguised member, Disguised member
From: Count Olaf
Subject: It isn't me!
HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF THIS! I AM JUST AS ANNOYED AS EVERYONE ELSE. I WILL KILL WHICHEVER NO BRAINED MEMBER OF MY TROUPE HAS DONE IT THIS TIME!!!!!
To: Count Olaf
From: Man with beard but no hair
Subject: RE- It wasn't me!
Actually Olaf, it was my idea. I thought you'd appreciate it
To: Man with beard but no hair
From: Count Olaf
Subject: RE- It wasn't me!
Oh, I errr... Do appreciate it really. Just pretending I didn't to scare the goody goody VFD people.
To: Count Olaf
From: Man with beard but no hair
Subject: RE- It wasn't me!
Hmmmmm....
Review if you want. Reviews keep me going.