Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K Rowling.
A/N: In Goblet of Fire, do you remember Fred and George's Ageing Potion? What if there is an Anti-Age Potion that can be magically manipulated to make all drinkers become sixteen years old? Just think of the possibilities- and problems...
Meddling With History: Part 1
It was a Hogwarts' Staff Conference. Amid the general noise of all the Professors talking at once, stood two men surrounded by an area of silence. One was of average height, with brown hair now sprinkled with grey. His face, though young, was lined beyond his years. There seemed an indescribable sadness about him, as if at any moment he would begin to weep from a lifetime of grief. Remus Lupin had many reasons to weep.
The other man somewhat resembled the absent Potions Master. He was tall, thin, and pale, with dark eyes and black hair. There, absolutely, completely and utterly, every single bit of resemblance ended, because Sirius Black was gorgeous. Snape, needless to say, was not. Snape was sallow-skinned, greasy-haired, hooked-nosed and sour-tempered. Sirius was pale, true, but twelve years in Azkaban are not good for your tan. He had long black hair, which was currently tied back in a ponytail, but most importantly: was clean. His nose was perfectly straight, and he had the kind of face that looked as though it was about to burst into laughter; whereas Snape constantly looked like he'd bitten into a gummy bear and discovered it was lemon-flavoured.
Sirius and Remus were the official spokesmen for Hogwarts from the Order of the Phoenix. They stood together silently in the corner of the room. Both men took comfort in each other's company. They were both outcast from the rest of the people in the room- Lupin because of his tendencies to grow fur every full moon, and Sirius- well, who wants to talk to a convicted murderer? Even if the recent capture of a certain rat had cleared his name.
In fact, the Staff was currently discussing an ex-Death Eater. Sirius was an infinitely more pleasant image to picture, but sometimes, even Severus Snape must be thought of, no matter how much you wanted to clean your mind out afterwards. At that moment, the Staff was discussing Snape's rather obvious absence from the meeting. Although his suggestions were ignored out of procedure- mostly because they consisted of abolishing the Gryffindor House, and expelling Harry Potter- he had never before missed a meeting. As much as they hated to admit it, the teaching staff was worried.
Dumbledore looked around the room, unconcerned by the lack of work being done. The Staff Conferences were a bit of a joke, really. Everyone knew that the teachers taught, the Headmaster twinkled his eyes, and Harry Potter saved the world from the forces of Evil. Nothing ever happened in conferences. It was more of a chance for teachers to socialize, and complain about awful students. That was probably why Snape's absence was so noticeable. He should have told the story of What Neville Longbottom Did To His Potion Today a dozen times by now.
Yet he was not here. Finally, Dumbledore decided. "I'd better go and look for Severus," he said. "I can't think why he wouldn't be here."
Sirius smiled toothily. "Nothing to do with me, is it? If it is, I'll keep doing it. Nothing like a slimy git-free day to make life heaven."
"I could not agree more," Lupin said. He paused anxiously. "Although I really should not speak so about a member of the staff," he added.
Sirius groaned.
McGonagall got to her feet. "Headmaster, I should come too. I am the Deputy, and I would like an explanation from our Slytherin Head of House."
Sirius and Lupin flashed identical smiles. So Snape was going to get a lecture? Neither of them wanted to miss that! "We'll come too, Headmaster," they said together. Sirius was pleased. "Snape would be in the Potions room with Gryffindor and Slytherin 6th years right now," he said. "Harry told me. He sounded rather anxious about the class today, for some reason. Something about Snape trying to poison him?"
Sybil Trelawny looked up in excitement. "Harry? Harry Potter? I must come too!"
"Why?" McGonagall asked tersely.
"Because-because- because otherwise you will be in a group of four, and Four is the number of Death!" she whispered in horror. Then she gasped, and half fainted. "I have seen a vision! Harry Potter is in danger! We must save him!"
"Why don't we all go, then?" McGonagall snapped sarcastically, irritated by Trelawny's theatrics.
"Good idea!" Dumbledore said. And he had thought the Conference would be boring! "Come, Staff! To the dungeons!"
The entirety of the Hogwarts' Teaching staff headed for the Potions Room, groaning inwardly as Trelawny continued proclaiming Harry Potter's danger. The Divinations Professor would have been the most surprised at how right she was...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Come, come, Potter! Drink up!" Snape said. The Slytherins snickered. The Gryffindors watched in silent sympathy. Harry was far too busy staring at the goblet of Ageing Potion steaming in front of his eyes to notice. "Professor, I-"
"You what, Potter? I did warn you, I would be testing your antidotes. There is enough Ageing Potion in here to add some venerability to your appearance. I would guess you would age approximately one hundred and fifty years in the space of ten seconds. Not much fun, Potter," he hissed malevolently. "Unless your cauldron of Anti-ageing Potion was brewed correctly." Snape paused, eyeing Harry's lumpy potion with disdain. "Something I doubt, very much." The Potions Master smiled nastily. He had been waiting a long, long time for this.
"Professor? Professor!" Neville Longbottom said frantically.
"Not now, Longbottom, I'm busy! Well, Potter? Drink it!"
Harry tore his eyes away from the goblet. He stared longingly towards the door. Perhaps, if he pushed his cauldron into Snape's legs, leap-frogged over Ron and jumped over Pansy Parkinson's cauldron, he could make it to the door and... Not a chance. Draco Malfoy stood in front of the door, effectively blocking off any chance of escape. Perhaps if he added punching Malfoy in the face- The door burst open, and in stepped Sirius Black.
"Sirius!" Harry shouted. "You came to save me!"
"Professor!" Neville cried again, waving his arms in front of Snape's face.
"Not now, Longbottom!" Snape said; his attention fixed on Sirius. "Black!" he snarled. "So! You have finally stepped out of Dumbledore's protection! I challenge you to a Wizard's Duel, you bastard!"
"Unfortunately, he cannot accept," a deep voice said. Dumbledore stepped into the room. He ran an amused eye over the scene he saw. Snape, with drawn wand in one hand, and steaming cup in the other, was staring murderously at Sirius. Harry stood motionless, still staring in horror at the goblet in Snape's hand. Longbottom was practically jumping from foot to foot as he struggled for attention. Everyone ignored him. The entire class was watching Sirius and Snape in fascination, all except for Malfoy, who had been hit on the head when the door slammed open and was currently bleeding on the ground.
"What is going on here?" Dumbledore asked. He glanced at the Ageing potion. "What might this be, Severus?" he asked innocently.
Snape guiltily set the goblet on the table. 'Nothing, Headmaster. Potter was feeling ill, so I made him a potion."
Sirius stared Snape down. "Is this true, Harry?" he asked.
Harry shook his head. "Not in that order, sir. He made the potion, and then I started feeling ill."
"I see," said Minerva McGonagall, walking into the room, followed by the rest of the staff. "So, Severus, this is why you missed an important Staff Conference?"
Snape's eyes flew frantically around the room. "I- er- forgot it was today, Minerva," he lied. In truth, he'd decided to skip his next chance of getting Harry Potter expelled, since watching him sprout a beard was much more fun. Let's see if Hermione still likes Mr I'm Bloody Perfect In Every Way after he grows a sackful of wrinkles, Snape thought jealously.
Minerva moved closer to the Potions Professor, glaring at him with her hands on her hips. "THAT is your excuse, Severus?! You FORGOT the meeting was today?!" From the look on her face, she was about to begin one of her famous tirades. "I'd have thought the Slytherin Head of House would be more adept at lying! Surely you can use your slimy little mind to think of a better excuse?"
"Probably not," Sirius commented to Lupin in a carrying whisper. "All the slime went into his hair."
"Shhh," Lupin hissed back. "She might stop!"
McGonagall, after shooting the two men a glare, opened her mouth to continue the tirade when-
BANG!
"Something exploded in the corridor!" Lavender screamed.
CRASH!
"That would be the ceiling falling in," Lupin commented.
SHRIEK!
"Trelawny," McGonagall muttered.
"No! No! NO! We are all going to die!" Trelawny cried. Parvati and Lavender fainted in horror. "Stranded here- forever and ever! I see our deaths! The Grim stalk us all! We brought the doom with us, for we walked down thirteen flights of stairs! Doom!" Trelawny moaned. "Death! We are all going to-"
"Oh, SHUT UP!" Hermione yelled. She strode across the classroom, clenched up her fist and-
WHACK!
"That would be Hermione punching Trelawny in the face," Snape said admiringly.
Hermione stared at her hand. "Oh no! I attacked a teacher! I attacked a teacher! I'm in so much trouble!" she wailed, staring at Trelawny's unconscious form lying crumpled on the ground.
"Nonsense!" McGonagall said, smiling broadly. "Dear Sybil was hysterical, and you merely calmed her down. Very effectively, I might add. Ten points to Gryffindor!"
"Ahem. Aside from the 'Doom!' and 'Death!' comments, can anyone venture an opinion on our situation?" Dumbledore asked.
Snape walked out into the corridor. "To begin," he said, "there is a huge pile of rubble effectively blocking off the passageway. There is no other exit. We are stranded." He sniffed the air. "Headmaster, it appears that a highly concentrated vial of dragon's blood was mixed with-" he sniffed again "-a piece of peanut butter toast, from breakfast," he said. "And as everyone knows," he added, "peanut butter and dragon's blood form a powerful explosive."
"Who," said McGonagall fiercely, "is the unspeakable IDIOT who left the most potent liquid known to wizards with their left-over breakfast?"
Longbottom raised his hand. "I tried to tell you, Professor!" he whimpered. "I accidentally grabbed my orange juice instead of my dragon's blood!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Later, the teachers were all gathered around Snape's desk.
"So what do we do now?" Sirius asked. "Other then wait, that is."
"We wait," Lupin said shortly.
"But how long will Minerva be?" said Professor Sinistra, a tall, slim professor with long, curling hair. She idly played with a few black tendrils. "I understand that the security networks surrounding the Potions room are unable to protect against an explosion of this size, but still limit the smaller explosions or Transfiguring we could use to get out. But how long must we wait until Minerva brings back help?"
"As long as it takes," Lupin said. "The space at the top of the rubble was only just large enough for Minerva to squeeze out in her cat form. There is no point fretting or worrying about what we can do nothing about."
"Remus, don't you ever get tired of being sensible?" Sirius smiled.
"Sometimes I feel I'm the only sensible person in the entire wizarding world!" Lupin said. He glanced at Dumbledore. "Look at our Headmaster, for example. In the Mirror Of Erised, he said his heart's desire was a pair of bloody socks!"
"Moony!" Sirius said in mock consternation. "Really, that is quite unworthy of you. It's something I'd say. Besides, you know the proverb. 'There's a fine line between genius and madness.' "
"I know. Dumbledore crossed it a long time ago."
Silence fell over the huddled teaching staff. After a few minutes, Sirius spoke again. "I'm bored. Don't you have anything to pass the time here, Snape?"
The Potions Master gave Sirius a look that could be rated on a scale of Friendly Murderer - Homicidal Maniac. "I am not here to cater to your amusement, Black," he said, in a voice as cold and hard as cut ice. "But if you insist…how about a friendly duel?"
"No duels," Dumbledore cut in firmly.
Silence fell again. Sirius got up and began pacing, back and forth across the room. After about ninety seconds, he'd come back to whine.
"Don't you have anything to do here, Snape?"
"You want to do something, Black? Really, we would appreciate it if the sack of hormones that was young Sirius Black would remain firmly stationed in the past. There are children present, you realise," Snape replied sardonically in his silky voice, gesturing towards the until-now unnoticed pack of Gryffindors and Slytherins.
Sirius, ignoring the comment, turned to Lupin and gave him a surprisingly youthful, wide-eyed stare. "Remus, my friend… a miracle has occurred! Severus Snape very nearly made a joke!"
"Joke? He was stating a fact!" Lupin said. "Sirius… when you were sixteen, you were nothing more than raging hormones covered up by skin."
"Best years of my life," Sirius said. "Besides, better to be outrageously –and very successfully- horny, than completely celibate, don't you think, Moony?"
"Lupin would have to be celibate, though, wouldn't he?" Snape interjected. "If he wasn't careful, he could have been the proud father of a litter of puppies."
"But that's the difference between Remus and you, Snape," Sirius Black said. "Remus had to be careful- you never had a choice."
Snape went white. Or rather, he went whiter. "Are you implying… that I am a virgin? That I am thirty-eight years old, and have never shagged a girl?"
"It sounds even more pathetic when you say it out loud. Well, Snape? Who, when, what age, where?"
"Mala Falise, after the 7th Year Ball, age 17, on the shore of the lake," Snape replied promptly. "You?"
"Um," Sirius paused. "Hang on, bloody hell- who was the first? Umm… Ah! Sarah Quintin, 4th year, age 14, the alley outside the Three Broomsticks."
Snape spluttered. "You were fourteen? That's probably illegal!"
Sirius shrugged. "Fun, though. Remus?"
Lupin sighed. "I just want you to know that this is ridiculous and chauvinistic, and it doesn't mean anything."
"Confess, Remus."
"Fine. Dana Hemington, after dinner and dancing at our 6th year Christmas party, age 16, in her bed. She had silk sheets," he added in wistful remembrance.
Sirius was speechless. "You- you- you-"
"Me?" Lupin prompted.
"You- you bastard! You complete and utter bastard! Dana was the only girl in the year that ever turned me down! How the hell did you get her?" Sirius ranted.
"Easy, Padfoot," Lupin said hastily. An angry Sirius was very dangerous. "Dana said she wanted someone more sensitive, and romantic. I guess she thought you weren't her type."
"But- but I'm every girl's type! I'm Sirius Black!"
Snape rolled his eyes.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"What the hell are they talking about?" Pansy whispered. Everyone glanced at Hermione. She had performed an Eavesdropping Charm on the huddled group of teachers a few minutes earlier. She could hear every word they said, as though they were whispering into her ear.
Hermione blushed at the question. "Um… they're discussing their first times."
"First times at what?" Neville Longbottom asked.
Everyone gave him the Look that you give an annoying little cousin who still thinks babies grow in cabbage patches.
"This isn't fair," Draco muttered. "We're stuck in the back of the room and ordered to sit in silence, while they get to happily sit there and discuss shagging."
Hermione thought about this for a moment. Then she looked at the cauldrons of Anti-age potion still simmering on the fires. A wicked smile spread across her face. "Let's serve them drinks, then, shall we?" she said.
"Oh, brilliant idea, Granger! We're pissed at them, so we bring them refreshments?"
"Shut up, Malfoy," Hermione said. "Don't you get it? We'll be their little barmaids or whatever, and serve them up drinks complete with Anti-ageing potion. Snape said that the particular potion we brewed was keyed to Harry, so if someone drinks it, they become younger and younger until they reach Harry's age- sixteen."
Parvati and Lavender (recovered from their faints) giggled. "I've always wanted to see what Dumbledore looked like when he was sixteen. With that broken nose of his…I bet he was a 19th century Auror, all suave, and dashing and romantic…" Lavender said, trailing off into her imagination.
"I don't believe it… she has fantasies about the Headmaster? Gryffindor girls are even more warped then I thought," Draco commented.
"Shut up, Malfoy. How does a potion make someone look younger, anyway? Do they act younger as well?" Harry asked curiously.
"They are younger, Harry," Hermione said. "The potion affects the growth cells, reversing them until they reach the genetic code specified by the charm said over the completed potion. It also reverses the memory cells, which means that they will forget everything that has happened since they were sixteen years old."
"But how does it do it?" Harry persisted.
Hermione smiled at this. "Magic, Harry. And testosterone. I think Sirius Black permanently proves that there is nothing more macho, horny and basically male than a sixteen-year-old boy."
Harry grinned. "Right on! It's great, isn't it, Ron?" he said.
"Mmph," said Ron around Hermione's mouth, busy proving her point by engaging in a snogging session.
Harry looked away. "Get a room, would you?" he said. He wasn't sure he liked the idea of his two best friends going out, even though they had been for the past few months, now.
Draco stared at Ron enviously. Ever since the 4th Year Yule Ball, he'd had a thing for Hermione. Stupid, stupid, stupid, he told himself constantly. She was a Mudblood, and a bloody Gryffindor! He was a Slytherin with impeccable breeding. His archenemy was her best friend! Stupid, stupid. Draco dreaded anyone- and Merlin forbid, his father!- finding out about his infatuation with a Mudblood. Father would disown me, he thought to himself miserably. But ever since that Ball, he couldn't help but notice how pretty she was. The way her face glowed when she smiled, or the brightness of her eyes when she laughed. And, being sixteen, he didn't fail to notice the way the rather interesting curves of her body, too.
The body that Weasley had his hands all over in the middle of the Potions Room. Draco stared at them bitterly. "You really should be careful, Weasel. Your family can't really afford any more children, can they?" he said spitefully.
Hermione pulled away from Ron, her beautiful eyes flashing with anger. She slapped him across the face. "Leave him alone, Malfoy," she said, hatred glittering in her voice.
Draco turned away, a red handprint glowing against his pale skin. For some reason he didn't understand, her hatred hurt more than the slap. At least she touched me, came the mocking thought.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
By this stage, Sirius had told a hundred wild but most likely unexaggerated stories of the various girls he had been with, Lupin or Snape interjecting with a disparaging comment every few sentence. The other teachers, including Dumbledore, were all listening with fascination. This was entertainment. Lupin had begun running through a list of all of the girls that did not like Sirius, when he suddenly stopped mid-sentence, laughing at something behind them.
"What is it?" Sirius asked. He turned around. "Oh. That. Didn't you know?" he asked his friend.
Lupin shook his head. "Never considered it. I thought Hermione and Harry would have ended up together,' he said, laughing.
Snape looked around too. His face was comical with surprise. "Weasley? She chose Weasley? I thought she and Potter were together!"
Sirius smiled. "I think I understate it, when I say that they are most emphatically not, Snape."
Snape was silent, considering the most painful way to torture Ron. His imagination had just gotten on to some hands-on time involving a red-hot poker and a book on How To Draw, when Black's hated voice interrupted the image of a screaming Weasley.
"Elisa Tienne. Definitely."
"What about her?" Snape cut in, annoyed at the loss of the torture image.
"Pay attention, Severus!" Dumbledore said. "We are now hard at work on our Conference by discussing the most attractive member of the opposite sex that we have ever dated." His blue eyes gave an obligatory twinkle. "Another of Sirius' party ideas, of course. I must say, I feel like I'm a boy again, sneaking out of bed late at night to unleash a collection of frogs into the girl's dormitory."
"Your turn, Dumbledore," Sirius said, grinning broadly.
"Ah, yes, of course! Well, I would have to opt for… hmmm, I'm not quite sure, really! I think…yes. Yes, I'd say the Lady Marianne d'Auvrette."
"Lady?" questioned a shocked Sirius.
"D'Auvrette?" an equally shocked Professor Binns exclaimed. "As in, the Parisian d'Auvrettes?"
Dumbledore's eyes clouded over. "Ah yes, Paris… the city of love."
Binns stared. "The d'Auvrette family were the most famous vampires in France! You dated a vampire?!"
Dumbledore shrugged. "I was young… she was young- well, actually, she was turning three hundred and ten that year, but the heart never grows old."
"Did you stake her?" asked Sirius with a wink.
"I prefer to ignore the double meaning on that comment, Mr Black. We are discussing a lady here. There is no need to be crude."
Sirius sighed loudly at the reprimand. "Bet you he did," he whispered to Lupin.
Dumbledore heard. He frowned disapprovingly at Sirius then turned to Professor Sinistra, from Astronomy. "Your turn," he said.
She grinned. "Patrick O'Connor, Keeper on the 1976 Irish Quidditch Team. I do love an Irish accent," she added.
"He wasn't a very good Keeper," Snape said disparagingly. "Rather pathetic, actually."
"He was damn good in the sack, though, and that's what counts to me."
Snape choked. And he'd always thought Sinistra was prissy!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Okay, now that dear Herm has finished her little make-out session," Parvati teased.
"Do you want to do this or not?" Hermione said sharply. A dazed Ron hovered at her side.
"Fine, fine! Anything to see Sirius at sixteen!" Parvati said, checking her hair in her pocket mirror.
"And Dumbledore!" Lavender interjected.
"Did I just hear that?" Hermione said disbelievingly. "He's a hundred and fifty years old!"
"And soon he will be sixteen," Lavender pointed out.
"Like I said. Gryffindor girls are warped," Draco's smooth voice cut in.
"Shut up, Malfoy," they all said in unison.
"Professor Lupin could be interesting as well…" Parvati mused.
"Parvati- he's a Professor! No matter how potentially gorgeous he could turn out to be," she added, sizing up Lupin' appearance.
Lavender sniggered. "Speaking of Professors- can you imagine Snape at sixteen?"
Hermione shuddered. "Don't go there," she said, regarding Snape's hook-nosed profile, and thin, permanently down-twisted lips. "I don't think that man was ever young."
"Of course he was!" Draco cut in again. "And maybe he's not completely hopeless- he did get laid once."
"And that is something that will never happen to you, Malfoy," Hermione said coldly. "So stop hovering around us and go play with your little friends."
He went.
"Ah, the air feels cleaner," said Parvati. "Now- shall we do this?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Your turn, Remus!" Sirius said.
"I did sleep with a beautiful girl in Switzerland, but I didn't really love her. Melissa, in Scotland, wasn't as pretty, but I cared a lot more about her-"
"WILL YOU CUT THE SENSITIVITY THING, REMUS?!!!" Sirius roared. He took a few deep breaths, calming himself down. "Now, Moony, what was the gorgeous Swiss girl's name? I may look her up later," he added, with his best grin.
Hermione, overhearing, turned to Parvati and Lavender. "I think he has enough hormones flying around without us interfering," she said. "Sirius at sixteen- my God…"
"Very interesting," Parvati said. "Let's do it."
"Excuse us, Professors?" all three girls said at the same time.
"Hermione…Parvati…Lavender…" Lupin said. "What do you want?"
Hermione put on her best 'I'm a good little teacher's pet who wants to help in any way' face. "Professors…we thought you might like some refreshments!" she said, and the three girls proffered forward trays. On each, there were a collection of assorted goblets filled to the brim with punch… and something else.
"Where did you get this?" Snape demanded.
Hermione smiled desperately. "From your drinks cabinet, Professor!" His black eyes regarded her sceptically. "Uh…Malfoy suggested it!" she said loudly. Please, Malfoy, she begged him mentally. Back me up.
"Is this true, Mr Malfoy?" Snape inquired.
The blond boy slowly sauntered over. Draco considered calling Hermione's bluff- but she would truly hate him for that. "Yes, Professor," he said. "I thought you'd be pleased," he added, smiling ingratiatingly.
"How considerate, Malfoy! Five points to Slytherin!" Snape said. The Gryffindor girls shot each other looks.
"Put the trays on the table!" Snape barked. They did so. Hermione put her tray down in front of the Potions Master, feeling his eyes boring into her. She shivered slightly, and turned to go back to the rest of the class.
"Wait." Snape's voice, as silky and cold as ever. His eyes fixed on Hermione, he opened his mouth. "Three points to Gryffindor- one for each girl who brought a tray."
Silence. Everyone held their breath, waiting for Voldemort to come in dancing the can-can, or for Sirius to announce his plans to become a celibate monk. Surely nothing was as impossible as what had just happened.
"Professor," Hermione whispered. "You just awarded us points…"
"You gave Gryffindor points, Snape…" Sirius muttered.
"You were almost polite, Severus…" Binns murmured.
"There's hope for him yet," Dumbledore said under his breath. He was still surprised that Sirius and Severus hadn't yet tried to kill each other. He got to his feet, taking one of the goblets filled with punch and Ageing Potion. "I propose a toast!" Dumbledore proclaimed. "Our Slytherin Head of House just awarded Gryffindor points! To Severus Snape!" Surprisingly, even Sirius drained his goblet.
The three Gryffindor girls hurried back to the rest of the class.
"So…how long until it works?" Harry asked them.
"Three minutes," Hermione said curtly.
"What's the matter with you?" Lavender asked, surprised at Hermione's tone.
"I don't know…Snape. Am I going insane, or was he looking at me strangely?" Hermione asked them.
"He was checking you out," Parvati said. "And when you bent over, he was eyeing your cleavage. I saw him."
"Ugh! Don't even joke about it! That's disgusting- he's more than twenty years older than me!"
"Not for long," Lavender said.
Hermione spotted Draco, hovering just beyond the Gryffindor half of the class. "I need to talk to someone," she said to her friends, and slid over to the silver-haired boy. He turned away as she came near.
"Wait…Draco?" she said, catching his arm.
He turned back. "What do you want?" he asked her.
"To thank you, Draco," she replied. "That was nice of you, covering for us like that."
He stared at her. Was he going deaf, or did she just thank him?
"And…I want to apologise. For slapping you," she clarified.
"Which slap?" he asked her dryly. 'You've slapped me four times already, and counting."
"Have I?" She sounded shocked.
Draco nodded. "Once in 3rd year, once in 5th year, again on the Hogwarts Express this year, and just now."
"Oh." Hermione paused. "Then I'm sorry, Draco. You could have gotten me into a lot of trouble today, and you didn't, so maybe I've misjudged you." She smiled. "Thanks," she said again, and went back to Ron and the rest of the Gryffindors.
Draco stared after her. "You're welcome, Hermione," he murmured, and sat down next to Crabbe and Goyle, to wait for the upcoming show.
Ron watched Hermione suspiciously. She'd seemed very close to Malfoy just then. "So," he said conversationally. "Has Malfoy asked you to call him Draccy yet?"
Hermione stared at him. "Ron, you are paranoid! I was thanking Draco for covering for me with Snape!"
"Ah, so it's 'Draco' now, is it? You used to call him Malfoy!"
"What's with this jealousy thing, Ron? If I went out with Harry, would you start calling him 'Potty?' "
"He'd have to be potty to go out with you!" Pansy Parkinson called across the room. Pansy was to Hermione what shampoo was to Snape's hair. They did not get along.
Seamus Finnegan grinned. " 'Potty Potter.' Hang on, Ron- if Hermione goes out with Snape, you can call him 'Snappy Snape!'"
"What about 'Loopy Lupin?' " Another voice suggested. Everyone looked up. The owner of the voice smiled.
The girls in the presence of the voice stared. All the males in the room instinctively moved in front of the girls.
16-year-old Sirius Black grinned.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
For the first time in her life, Hermione Granger was incorrect. Anti-ageing potion did not reverse the genes of the drinker. No, far from it. Instead, the potion opened a rift in Time, and replaced the present person with the person they once were. In short, the Professors were no longer Professors. They were the people they used to be. This meant a lot of delightful things were happening. For example, Sirius Black was currently dressed in leather, his giant motorcycle by his side, and the 'tall, dark and handsome' thing was really going for him. But then, the 'good-looking, brooding and mysterious' thing and the 'gorgeous, rebel bad-boy' thing were both working as well.
On the scarier side of things, 16-year-old Severus Snape was a fully-fledged Death Eater.
On the just plain disturbing side, Dumbledore had blazing red hair, was dressed in a 19th century suit and was speaking in a very Irish accent.
Rather predictably, Lavender was on Dumbledore's arm, Parvati was claiming Remus Lupin, and every other girl in the room was being dragged away from Sirius by whatever boy happened to get hold of them first.
"This was a bad idea, Ron," Harry said, staring at his godfather in horror. "A very bad idea."
Sirius heard Harry's voice. "James! There you are! What's happened? Who are all these people? I saw Remus a minute ago-Why isn't Peter here?" The tall, muscular, and leather-clad Sirius Black made his way over to Harry. He stopped at the sight of Hermione. "I'm Sirius Black," he said, grinning broadly and eyeing her appreciatively. Ron grabbed Hermione's arm possessively.
Sirius met Harry's eyes, still smiling. "James, if Lily hears you've been talking to the prettiest girls again, she'll-What the hell?" he said, suddenly realising that James did not have green eyes. "You're not James! But you look so much like him…"
"I get that a lot," Harry muttered. He stood up. "I'm Harry Potter," he said, shaking hands with Sirius. "I'm…related to James."
"Who's this?" Sirius said, looking down on Ron. "Let me guess- you're related to Arthur Weasley, the old Head Boy?"
Ron nodded. "Er… yeah. That's right. We're… cousins."
Sirius grabbed Ron's arm and hauled him too his feet. "Come on- I'll introduce you to Moony," he said, dragging the two boys behind him.
"He's taking it very well," Hermione murmured, watching the retreating form of Sirius Black. It seemed that age had actually improved his character.
"Who's taking what very well?" a very familiar voice asked silkily.
"Nothing, Professor!" Hermione said, then realised that she was meeting the piercing stare of a man many years younger.
The young Snape looked puzzled at the word, 'Professor.' But he sat down on the floor next to her, smiling. "My name is Severus- Severus Snape," he said politely. "And you are-?"
"Hermione Granger," she replied uneasily. Last year, Harry had learned that Snape was fifteen when he was inaugurated into the ranks of the Death Eaters. Hermione realised that now was not a good time to be a Muggle born, when a 'Kill all the Mudbloods' pureblood was on the loose. Had Voldemort taught this Snape the Cruciatus Curse yet? She kept her eyes nervously fixed on Snape's wand, which he was twirling around between his fingers.
"Are you a pureblood?" he asked her.
"Er…yes. Yes, I'm a pureblood," Hermione lied, his twirling wand almost hypnotising her with fear.
Snape smiled at her again. It looked like his face was trying to rebel against it. But Draco was right, Hermione realised. Snape wasn't completely hopeless. If he was to introduce his hair to some shampoo, he could actually pass as merely 'ugly.'
"Potions is my best subject," the future Potions Master said suddenly. "This place- it's arranged differently, but we're in the potions dungeon, which means that I, Lupin, Black and Potter over there-" he jerked his head in Harry's direction, making the same mistake as Sirius as to which Potter it was- "are still in Hogwarts. But I don't know whom you or any of these people are. And I don't know why I was sitting in the Slytherin common room a few minutes ago, until I suddenly appeared here, in Potions."
Hermione shrugged, arranging her face into a puzzled expression. Damn it! Why did she have to get cornered by the only future Professor who decided to try and figure out what was going on, instead of looking around at all of the new girls thinking 'Fresh meat…'On the other hand, Parvati's words were coming back to her, and Snape was looking at her in a very disconcerting way. Hermione edged away from him.
"What House are you in?" he asked suddenly.
Hermione got the distinct impression that it was not good to tell a homicidal Slytherin she was in Gryffindor. "I'm a Ravenclaw," she said.
"I thought so. Does that mean that you are even cleverer than you are pretty?" Severus Snape asked charmingly.
Hermione blushed at the compliment. And then- horror upon horror, terror upon terror, basic ickiness upon ickiness- Snape leaned across the space between them and stuck his tongue in Hermione's mouth.
After the universal 'eewww' at this image, three things happened at once.
First, Hermione tried to push Snape away, lost her balance, and ended up on the floor with him on top of her. After this, young, Victorian-style Dumbledore strode across towards them to save the damsel in distress. Then Ron saw Snape kissing his girlfriend and ran over to beat the Potions Master up.
After this, one big thing happened. Hermione managed to detach herself from Snape, Dumbledore lifted him off her, and Ron came over and punched Snape in the jaw. Then there was a fight. It was rather one sided. This was probably because the fight was Everyone vs. Snape. In the space of about ten seconds, the extremely bruised and very much unconscious Severus Snape was crumpled on the floor.
Hermione grabbed Ron. "I've still got the taste of Snape in my mouth!" she said, shuddering. Then she snogged Ron for a bit of Weasley mouth-freshener.
"Dear lady," Dumbledore said to Lavender, "I pray that you are unhurt!" Albus Dumbledore's auburn hair was now tangled, his clothes dishevelled, and his knuckles a little swollen. Snape had two black eyes and what was most likely a broken nose to blame on his future Headmaster.
"I'm fine," Lavender said, giggling. Dumbledore kissed her hand, smiling disarmingly.
"He's such a gentleman!" Parvati said, watching her best friend enviously. Then she turned back to Remus Lupin. He now had thick brown hair, big brown eyes, and an endearing vulnerability about him. "But I like my little wolfie better," she said, grinning wickedly. Lupin' natural sensitivity, added to a certain…animal magnetism…was making Parvati very happy.
Sirius Black was not happy. Rather annoyingly, every time he tried to talk to a girl, one of the various boys would step forward and drag her away. To make things worse, that attractive Parvati girl had already settled on Remus, and a pretty blonde- Lavender, he thought her name was- was arm-in-arm with a tall man with long auburn hair and bright blue eyes. There was something familiar about that man. Sirius was sure he knew him from somewhere.
He shook his head, puzzled. He wasn't sure what was going on; but one moment he had been flying on his motorcycle, racing James (who was on a broomstick) across the Quidditch pitch on the Potter estate. Then suddenly, he was in the castle dungeons with Remus, Snape and a bunch of 6th years that he'd never met before. A boy his own age with the famous Weasley hair and freckles claimed to be the cousin of Arthur Weasley, who had been Head Boy in Sirius' first year. Another boy who looked identical to James said he was related to the Potters as well, though he didn't say how.
"Hey…Harry, wasn't it?" Sirius said, grabbing his future godson's arm.
"What is it?" Harry replied. He was growing more and more disconcerted to see Sirius, who had become like a father to him, now dressed in leather and flirting with everything in a skirt.
"How did I get here?" Sirius asked.
The question caught the attention of Neville Longbottom, who was busy kicking the unconscious Snape. He ran over, tripping four times on the way. "I know now! I know now!" Longbottom shouted. "Professor Lupin just explained! When a man and a woman love each other very much…" he recited happily.
Draco Malfoy sauntered over. "Honestly, Longbottom, could you be any denser?" he asked sarcastically.
"…They want to express their love physically…" Neville continued, oblivious to any criticism.
Sirius- distracted yet again- was now casting a disparaging glance over Draco. "You look familiar," he said. "Do I know you? What is your name?"
Draco drew himself up. "I," he said, "am Draco Malfoy, sole heir to the Malfoy manor, lands and fortune. The blood of a thousand generations of wizards runs through my veins," he said proudly.
Sirius stared at him. "You mean you have blood? I thought you were anaemic! Or at least a vampire," he added. Sirius nudged Harry. "Why is he so pale, Henry?"
"It's Harry," Harry said, as patiently as he could manage. "I am really starting to miss brooding, depressed Sirius," he muttered to himself.
"…and the man's sperm fertilises the woman's eggs…"
"I am not pale!" Draco protested furiously. "I merely maintain my complexion! Unlike some, Potter, I do not spend my summers sweating and browning through the labour of the peasantry! A gentleman," he said, emphasising the word with a glance at Harry, "is possessed of alabaster skin, as his daily itinerary does not involve excess time under the sun."
"Spoken like a bloody swot," Sirius commented. "A true Malfoy."
"…and the foetus grows inside the woman's womb…"
"Tans are bad for your skin," Draco added primly. "They give you wrinkles."
"What a useless pretty boy," Sirius said, pulling Harry away from a now enraged Draco. "Malfoys are all like that."
"…The baby stays inside the woman for nine months…" Longbottom continued reciting to the empty air.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Of all of the Professors in the dungeons, only one had not drunk the Anti-ageing potion. Professor Binns had not drunk it because he was unable to drink. Professor Binns was unable to drink, because he was a ghost. And so, Binns was the only Professor who had remained himself, as Albus Dumbledore delighted and charmed Lavender, Sinistra was flirting with Seamus, and Parvati and Lupin were- well, let's just give them some privacy.
Binns was worried. Anyone else in his situation would be frantic and hysterical, but the History Professor never took anything to extremes. Even the sight of the Headmaster romanticizing a student didn't provoke more than a frown on his spectral face. If he had to describe what Lupin and Parvati were currently doing, it was unlikely that Binns' voice would leave its droning monotone. Professor Binns was a dull, boring sort of person. That was the way he liked it, and the way he liked his world to be.
Boredom was currently escaping him. His universe had shifted slightly into the realms of Adventure, and the History Professor was not happy with it. He wanted to know what was going on. He wanted to ask questions. More to the point, he wanted to receive some answers. Unfortunately, the only person who could have given him a correct answer was currently lying unconscious on the floor. But Professor Binns was not aware of this, or the battered Severus Snape might actually have received some medical attention.
As he thought back on the spectacular failure of a Staff Conference, Binns tried to pinpoint the exact moment all of the non-ordinary, non-boring things first happened. For someone who was supposed to be an intelligent wizard, it took Binns a surprisingly long time to finally put two-and-two together.
"The punch," he said, the words delivered with the same enthusiasm that anyone –except Percy- would use when they gave a report on cauldron thickness. When they had this revelation, anyone else would have added an exclamation mark or two, perhaps a triumphant yell, but not Professor Binns. He liked things to be sedated and calm. He liked order.
Binns returned to the corridor, where the huge pile of rubble separated the Normal (for a wizard school) from the Completely Abnormal that was the scene in the Potions Room. "If only Hagrid were here," he thought wishfully. The half-giant could easily shift the enormous pile-up of stones. Binns dwelled upon this happy thought. He wanted to find Professor McGonagall. He wanted her to be calm and capable, and stop whatever it was that was happening. Most of all, he wanted to escape the dungeon, which was turning into an X-rated version of Love Boat.
The Professor hovered above the floor, staring mournfully at the rubble. It wasn't until he turned back into the Potions room, and absentmindedly walked through the door, that he remembered- he was a ghost. He could just walk through the walls and find Minerva.
Mild annoyance filled him. Why hadn't he thought of this earlier? The History Professor floated over to the wall
…At this point, someone- possibly a mysteriously revived Snape- should have attempted to tackle the Professor, or at least screamed "NOOOO!!!!" for dramatic effect….
As it was, Binns was unimpeded as he floated out of the dungeon… and History and the world were changed.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *