I just thought of this and thought it would be great soooo yeah, here it is. It has some cuss words in it because we are inside a Winchesters head mmmkay? They change from seasons, so the first one is in season 1, right after Bloody Mary. The second one is right after the season 3 finale: No Rest For The Wicked. The fourth one is during the episode where Sam was working at that bar after he and Dean split up in season 5. The fifth one is set in the detoxing in My Bloody Valentine, I don't remember the season. The sixth one is after Swan Song and Sam is in the Cage. The seventh one is when Sam spent that year soulless in the season 6 premier. The last one is set in season 7.
Spoilers for, like, every season...up to season 7 because I haven't seen season 8 yet.
The songs are:
"Let Her Go" by Passenger
"No Way Out" From Brother Bear.
"Unwell" by Matchbox 20.
"Savin' Me" by Nickleback.
"Demon's Fate" by Within Temptation
and last but not least:
"Carry On My Wayward Son" by Kansas
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or any of the songs. But now I do own your feels! Muhahahahaha
Sam waited in the car impatiently. Dean had been in the bar for about 2 hours now, leaving his little brother to bake in the Texas heat that acted as a blanket around the Impala. Earlier he had tried to do some research, trying to find some clue as to where their father was.
He got nothing.
But Sam didn't know what he expected. If John Winchester didn't want to be found there wouldn't be any clues.
Sam sighed, leaning his head against the window of the passenger seat. Next time, he was going in with Dean. Sitting in a dark, loud bar was better than slowly being baked. Sam, out of frustration, growled angrily and flipped open his laptop.
Going to his music, Sam picked a random playlist and leaned back again.
You only need the light when it's burning low
Sam raised his head and gave the laptop residing on his leg a confused look.
That wasn't his music. He had never heard this song before.
only miss the sun when it starts to snow
only know you love her when you let her go
Wait, yes he had. Jessica played that all the time around the house. Apparently on Sam's laptop too.
Feeling his heart drop down to his stomach, Sam looked at his laptop unhappily. He didn't want this. Not right now. Especially not after they just ganked Bloody Mary. Too many bad memories threatened to consume his but for some reason, Sam listened.
Only know you're high when you're feeling low
only hate the road when you're missing home
Sam gave a small little laugh, looking down at his shoes. How ironic, he was in a car right now.
Only know you love her when you let her go
and you let her go
Sam's bangs tickled his forehead and he thought about letting his hair grow out. Jessica always said he shroud grow out his hair. He remembered how Jess loved to run her fingers through it, always complemented him on it. Sam ran his hand through it now, wanting it out of his face.
Jess hated that his bangs hid his face.
staring at the bottom of your glass
hoping that one day you'll make a dream last
but dreams come slow and they go so fast
Sam laughed again. He had made a dream with Jessica Moore. He had gone to college, he had a girlfriend he wasn't scared to get close to. He was happy. But almost as quickly as he got it, he had lost it. It slipped through his fingers like water and there was no way he could get it back. Not after all this.
Sam closed his eyes and pictured Jessica's face. Her silky blonde hair, her calm blue eyes and how soft her skin was. How she laughed at the stupidest things Sam said, how she taught him how to have fun because he had never learned how as a child. How she made him forget how much of a freak he was.
But she was dead. And whose fault was that?
Sam Winchester's.
She was the first name on a kill list that seemed to get longer everyday.
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
everything you touch only dies
Sam was surprised when he felt a tear fall down his face. Hazel eyes opened to see his plaid shirt was dotted with water drops. He had no idea when he started crying. He didn't really care. It felt like Jessica herself was here, telling him how Her death was his fault, rubbing salt in a wound so fresh it hurt down in his very soul.
And she was right.
Maybe one day he will understand why all this happened to him. Why he couldn't be normal like everybody else.
But you only need the light when it's burning low
only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
xxxxxxxxxx
Dean took one last sip of his beer before walking out of the bar. No hot chick had waltzed inside and he felt like he had completely wasted his time. He stretched as he stepped down the deck's wooden steps. He smiled as he saw the Impala still had its single passenger occupying it.
Sam hadn't gotten out.
Dean knew it was in vain but he kinda hoped that being stuck in there for such a long time would had driven Sam out to have a drink with his big brother.
The oldest Winchester frowned as he saw his brother hunched over the open laptop, his head in his hands. Dean slowed his pace and cocked his head to the side as he took in his brother's state.
Something was wrong.
xxxxxxxx
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
same old empty feeling in your heart
'cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Sam let out a strangled breath and closed his eyes. Jessica laughing. Jessica singing. Jessica gesturing for Sam to join her on the dance floor. She had always loved to dance...
Well you see her when you fall asleep
but never to touch and never to keep
Cause you loved her too much and you dived too deep
Sam missed Jessica so bad. He missed the smell of her shampoo and he missed seeing her toothpaste near the sink. He missed how she would randomly kick her shoes off and leave then around their home. He even missed the weird coffee shop music she always played around the house like this.
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
only miss the sun when it starts to snow
only know you love her when you let her go
Sam sighed, his breath fogging up the computer screen. He didn't know why he didn't change the song, why he was going this to himself. Maybe he thought he deserved this small form of torture. Actually, he deserved worse. So much worse.
only know you've been high when you're feeling low
only hate the road when you're missing home
only know you love her when you let her go
Sam felt more tears fall out of his eyes, landing on the keyboard with soft splashes but he made no move to wipe them off.
Tap
Tap.
Sam jumped up about a mile high before he looked to his right and saw Dean resting his knuckles against the glass, a concerned look on his face.
and you let her go
Sam looked at his laptop in a panic, throwing his arm out and quickly turning off the music and slamming the laptop shut. He rested both hands on it as if to make sure Dean didn't go poking around. Dean frowned as he walked in front of his car, opened the driver's side door and plopping down inside his Baby.
"Hey." Dean said, not turning on the Impala but giving his baby brother a look practically screaming spill.
Sam wiped his eyes quickly and looked away. "Hi."
There was a long, awkward silence. Dean not giving up with his quiet interrogation and Sam not breaking his veil.
Finally loosing the quiet game, Dean said. "What's wrong?"
Sam flinched at the question but shook his head, keeping his eyes down. "Nothing. I'm fine."
Dean bit his bottom lip and scowled at the obvious lie. He wanted to help but how can you help when you weren't being let in? Dean plunged his keys into the ignition and roared the Impala to life. "Okay then. Look, man, I don't know what's bothering you, but I think you should let it go, no good can come from wallowing in past mistakes."
Sam digested the statement, not sure what to do with the information. He just thought about how Dean worded it: let it go.
Sam sighed and looked out the window at the passing scenery.
What else could he do? He couldn't find dad and he couldn't save Jess.
He at least had to look at the carnage and hope he wouldn't make the same mistakes again.
Sam stood alone in the crowed air port, watching the normal people walk by without noticing his existence. But he was used to staying in the shadows, working without an audience. After Dean...left, Sam had been working nonstop and he couldn't rest for even one second because if he did, he would drown. Everything would catch up to him. It would be to much, Sam wouldn't be able to handle it, he — he wouldn't...
Sam shook his head and took deep breaths. Not here. Not in public, if you're going to break down you break down in private not in a damn airport.
"It had to be in an airport, why can't more people die in their beds? Beds are nice, except the creaky ones because then everyone can hear you! You know, Sammy, this one time..."
Trying to distract himself from saying "Shut up, Dean." Sam glanced down at his watch in a vain attempt to not think about his dead brother. Who was in hell for him.
Sam bit down on his lip, not here, not here!
The last Winchester groaned as he looked around the crowd surrounding him. Where was his contact? Why werent they here, he was the freakin FBI at the moment! You don't keep the FBI waiting!
Sam could see a airplane take off outside the window, he restrained himself from picking on Dean's fear of flying.
"Koda, I did something very wrong..."
Sam jumped at the voice and glanced around for where it was coming from, his eyes landed on a man sitting in the seats in front of him. His back was to him and Sam could see he had his laptop open and was watching some cartoon. It was two bears, one way bigger than the other and they both seemed to sad...like something devastating just happened and Sam wasn't in on it. John Winchester wasn't big on Disney movies so Sam was pretty sure if he was a normal person he would be able to recognize the picture.
Sam made an expression Dean constantly referred to as his "Bitch-face" as he wondered why the guy didn't plug in his head phones. And then he heard the music.
Everywhere I turn I hurt someone
Sam Winchester stopped his very breathing at the lyric. What the hell...why? If he wasn't trying to look professional he would throw his hands up in the air and scream. He was so done he didn't even want to...why was this even playing? Did God hate him that much? To remind him of everything that's gone wrong sense his very birth at every turn?
but there's nothing I can say to change the things I've done
Hazel eyes landed on the screen, daring it to go on with its steady slaughter of Sam's sanity. Why did this have to happen. Why, why, why?! And the worst is its true! He can't change anything about what happened. What could he possibly want? Forgiveness? Redemption? He didn't deserve any of that! He was nothing but a lowlife, scheming, no good—
I'd do anything within my power
I'd give everything I've got!
Sam gently threw his head back and sighed up to the endlessly twirling whit fans above him. Why did airports have to be so cold? Sam couldn't tell if he was being violated by a ghost or if he was getting a cold because his hands were clammy and his mind was fuzzy and the world seemed to sway a little bit and that song was pounding in his ears...Sam took a deep breath and waited for his heart rate to slow down. No use getting worked up over a Disney movie.
but the path I seek is hidden from me now
No shit, Sherlock. Sam ran a hand through his hair., which had gotten longer than last Dean saw him.
Dean...
Sam then looked down at his fancy black shoes. He could see his reflection in them. He look pale, sweaty, and pretty unhappy. Sam gave out a low chuckle, like he would be anything else. That's the Winchesters in a nutshell: unhappy, sad, little bastards. Who can't do anything to help their families but drink with each other and die for each other.
Brother bear, I let you down
Sam flinched, of course it had to mention brothers. Sam really hated his life. It had to be true didn't it, it had to... He let Dean down so badly, but he tried. He really did, all year he tried to save Dean but there was nothing he could do! Nothing Dean was willing to let him do! Why couldn't Dean just accept his help? Didn't he get that it was too late for Sam? That he wasn't even worth it? Why couldn't Dean just throw the deal? Why, why, why?!
you trusted me, believed in me
and I let you down
Because Dean is Dean. Dean would never kill someone to save his own skin, especially when it came to Sam. He always looked out of Sam, even when he was little and was a snot nosed little brother...he still was a snot nosed little brother...only child he supposed now...
Sam felt pinpricks of tears in his eyes and he angrily wiped them away. He was not getting emotional over a Disney movie. why was a grown man watching that anyway?!
Of all the things I hid from you
I cannot hide the shame
Sam groaned and sat down on one of the chairs that was available. With another groan, Sam rested his head in his hands and gave out small little pants to calm himself down. Why can't Dean come back? Why couldn't Sam save him? Why did the best people have the rottenest luck? Dean would do anything to save everyone, he would sell his soul for someone and he did. When the waves got rough, Dean builds a boat and offers his hand to his brother who would always be drowning and Dean would heave him on board and they would sail for another hunt, another case.
And I pray someone, something will come
and take away the pain
Sam inhaled sharply and sadly his current state attracted some attention.
A small girl with two black pig tails pulled on Sam's sleeve, trying to gain his attention.
"Mister?" The girl asks. Sam looked at her, tear trying to break through stubborn eyes. She couldn't have been more than 8 and here she was, consoling a grown man who is about to cry over a Disney movie. "Are you okay?"
Theres no way out of this dark place
Sam looked at her and answered in the breathy voice he uses when he's lying. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine."
no hope
The child smiles a toothy smile, she then prances off to hold hands with a teenager who looked just like her. Must be sisters.
no future
Sam hung his head. He was so done.
I know I can't be free
Sam surges to his feet and stamps over to the man, pulling his shoulder so that the guy who was causing him intense pain would look him him the eye.
"Listen, buddy," Sam said, glaring down at a terrified looking man with all the faces of his repressed emotions: pain, fear, guilt, abandonment, the whole nine yards. "You have to be like, 35 or something, you should not be in an airport watching children movies! Had it ever occurred to you that some people don't want to hear it? That some people might find that painful to listen too?"
But I can't see another way
"I—I" the man stuttered, his brown eyes fluttering to and fro, looking for any help. "M—my brother's—s f—favorite m—movie..."
Sam found his hands wrapped around the collar of the mans brown jacket, looking him right in the eyes. "Of course it is your bothers! Well did it ever occurs to you that this damn song brings up bad memories of my brother? My dead brother?!"
I can face another day
Sam knew he was screaming but he didn't care, let people stare, he didn't give a damn anymore.
Sam released the man with a growl of disgust. He then turned on his heel, marching toward the large double doors with a glowing EXIT sign hanging over them like a noose. He angrily tugged at his tie, willing it to get off his neck, it felt to much like rope, like he was walking himself to the gallows.
"I'm so sorry, Koda..."
Screw the job, Sam wanted a beer. He only realized he was crying when he saw the tears on his face reflected in a window.
Sam wrung his hands as he sat in the car he had rented for his job. He didn't really imagine himself working in a bar, but then again he never thought he would be the one to set Lucifer free.
Glancing out the window, Sam inspected the hole in the wall he called work. More then twice today Sam had thought he found a real job —a case — to work but he then remembered he was done with hunting. Done with Dean too.
Actually, it was more like Dean was done with him.
Sam rubbed his thumb over the skin that coated his knuckles. He couldn't blame Dean for not wanted anything to do with him, but Sam still couldn't stop feeling hurt as he sat there who knows how far from his brother. His brother who had been right all along, his brother who had always taken care of him but at the first chance Sam ditched him for a demon.
And sadly, no matter how many times he wanted to think so, this wasn't all Ruby's fault. It was mostly Sam's for being a two-faced little bitch.
His shift not starting for a couple of hours and not wanting to go inside to answer questions about who he was and having no where else to go, Sam leaned forward and turned on the radio. He hoped for a song to get his mind off his feelings and, well — life.
all day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with the shadows on the wall
Sam reclined the driver's seat and rested, closing his eyes as he listened to the music. He could see Dean's betrayed face, like it was branded onto his eyelids.
"I don't think I can trust you."
Sam opened his eyes quickly, not wanted to be drowned in bad memories.
All night hearing voices tell me to get some sleep
because tomorrow might be good for something
Sam fiddled with his plaid collar, staring up at the roof of the car. He thought about Bobby, about Dean, about Castiel. They were some much better off without him. Having him far away so he wouldn't screw up anything else.
In fact, everyone was better off without Sam. Their parents would be alive if it Sam was never born, Jessica would be alive if she had never met Sam, the world would be a much better place without him...
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a break down
and I don't know why
Sam lifted his head at the lyric, frowning at the radio. What was this? Some supernatural radio that could predict the future? Sam scoffed and laid back down, his annoyance with the stupid rented car with pre-set stations growing. This was either in a haunted car or he was going insane. Probably the latter, he hadn't been okay lately, though he thought he was doing an okay job of hiding it. Sam closed his eyes.
well I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
a different side of me
Sam's eyes shot open like someone just played Heat of the Moment by Asia. He sat up slowly, worried that sudden movements would upset Christine. Sam reached for his gun in the back seat but his fingers grabbed air as he realized he had left his gun in the trunk of the Impala.
He had thought a bar tender wouldn't need guns. But he was so stupid, a bar tender might not need them but Sam-freakin-Winchester sure as hell does! It was one of the first things Dad taught Dean and he: always carry a gun! That's when Sam realized he had left...and that Dean didn't do the whole did you have your phone? Your charger? A gun? Some cash? Thing. He honestly didn't care if Sam had his shit together or not. Sam slumped down a little in his seat, guilt weighing on his chest. He wished Dean could just see he was sorry, he knew he didn't deserve forgiveness but he just wanted Dean to know.
He wanted to remind Dean that he was still Sammy, that he was still the old Sam that hated it when Dean got onions on his burger. The old Sam that got angry when he came back to their hotel to see some girl wandering around in her underwear. The Sam that didn't just condemn the whole world.
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
but soon enough you're gonna think of me
and how I used to be...me
Sam glared at the radio again. It was actually starting to freak him out and he wasn't sure what to do. He had to plan, it might lock the doors if he tried to get out in a panic. Sam took a big breath and tried to concentrate.
But the only thing he could think of was what accidentally slipped out of his mouth. "This is not okay."
Im talking to myself in public
Sam glared at the radio. "Stop that!"
Dodging glances on the train
"That's it." Sam said, a little hysterically. He was now really freaking out, Dean wasn't here to help, no one was. But he wasn't worth helping anyway. "Looks like it's time for work."
and I know, I know they've all been talking about me
i can hear them whisper.
"it's just one girl actually" Sam told it. He then cursed himself, why was he talking to a car?! Was he that jacked up?! What was he doing?!
It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me
out of all the hours waiting
somehow I've lost my mind
Sam's hands latched onto the door handle and tried to get out but he found it locked. He pulled frantically but the door wouldn't budge.
But I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
but stay awhile then maybe then you'll see
a different side of me
Sam reach over and pushed the button to turn off the radio but nothing. At all. Happened.
"NO!" Sam cried. He was not going to die in this car! The only car he was going to die in was the Impala, wait! no...he wasn't going to die at all! Why can't he think straight?
"I can't trust you!"
"Not now, Dean!" Sam screamed, tugging off his seat belt and pulling on the door again.
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
i know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think if me
and how I used to be
With a desperate cry Sam punched through his window. Glass splayed over Sam's face, cutting his face and making his wince. He then climbed up and slid out of the window, glass slicing through skin and clothes. Sam landed in a heap on the assault of the bar parking lot. He then scrambled to his feet and grabbed his phone out of his pocket, dialing the rental company.
"Hello?" he asked after a few rings.
"Yes, this is Kwicky Kar Rental, how may I help you?"
"Ummm, yeah," Sam said, keeping his eyes on Christine. "There's something wrong with this car. It's only playing one station and it locked me in and wouldn't let me out!"
"ummm, sir, are you sure you had it unlocked in the first place?"
Sam scowled. "Of course I unlocked the car! I have the keys right—" Sam reached in his pocket but didn't find the keys to the car. Looking in his other pockets Sam found the keys now where. "Ummm, hold on a sec." Looking around the inside of the car, Sam saw the keys still stuck in the ignition. Sam felt his face flush. "Umm, I found the keys but that doesn't explain the music not being able to change."
Sam could hear it still playing inside but it wasn't loud enough to float out through the shattered window. Sam winced, he really did that?
"Sir, if you don't have a CD in you only have one station. We just have a lot of buttons..."
Sam felt bile rise in his mouth. In a tight voice, Sam said. "Okay, thanks, sorry for wasting your time..." He then hung up.
He stood there, looking at the shattered car, the music still playing. He panicked and jumped to conclusions again.
It was just like with Lucifer. He was imagining things. He really needed a break from this break. Why couldn't he do anything right at the moment?
"Keith?"
Sam turned and saw his pretty blonde co-worker standing there, looking at him with a expression of fear and worry.
"Are you alright, Keith?"
Sam looked at her for a moment before he then returned his gaze to his car.
Sam whispered his answer "No."
Sam panted and yanked at his hair. The panic room seemed to be crowding around him, smothering him like a stone blanket. A spike of pain behind his eyes made Sam tug on his hair more, relieving some from his scalp. Blood pooled over the ripped holes and flowed down his face. Sam didn't care. It hurt to much. His stomach churned — trying to get the demon blood out of it, Sam guessed.
He hadn't meant to, but...he needed it so bad. Dean said it wasn't his fault, that is was Famine doing it, but...he broke. He did it again and something could've happened.
The last time he got high on demon blood he released Lucifer and they were still cleaning that mess up.
Sam should just stay in here and not screw up anymore.
He was sitting on the little cot, his head in his hands, hair falling over his face. He just wanted to hide. No...he wanted to be forgiven, but he didn't deserve it. That's like him eating a sandwich in front of a starving man. It wasn't fair and he wasn't going to ask for it.
"Sam."
Said man lifted his head and looked at Dean. His brother walked over to him, a radio in hand. Sam knew he wasn't real, the door didn't open, it was just Fake Dean again. Probably here to say what the Real Dean didn't think about: all the horrible things Sam's done.
"Yeah?" Sam asked, his voice cracking and he winced at the raw skin he forced air over.
"I'm here to play a song for something you'll never have." Dean said pretty bluntly. "I'm tired of the whole 'dodge the insult' game so I'd thought I'd tell ya straight."
Sam sat there. He didn't really know what to think. He didn't think it mattered actually. He watched with dead eyes as Dean placed the radio right next to him and press play. Sam cringed as pain shot through his brain, lacing down his arms, using his veins as subways. "Ahhhh!"
Dean ignored his scream and he just kept his eyes on the radio.
Prison gates won't open up for me
on these hands and knees I'm crawling
Sam looked at his brother, feeling the grief already fill him as he recognized the song. He was going to say something but his comment turned into a scream. It hurt so much, it was like fire traveling through his body. No, not fire — ice. It burned like ice. It hurt, it hurt so bad. Sam could only focused on the pain, there was nothing else, but then he heard the song again. It pierced through the haze of pain and he listened.
Oh I reach for you
Sam groaned and curled into himself. He was on the floor. He hadn't noticed. It was cold and hard. Sam blinked the black pain spots out of his eyes and he saw red. It was all around him, on the ground and pooling under him. He was bleeding. Raising a shaky hand to his face, Sam wiped away the blood that was pouring out of his nose. Why was he always getting nose bleeds? Why was his bleeding so much? Why wouldn't it stop?
"Dean?" Sam called. Where was he? Why wasn't he here? Was he okay?
Why was he stuck in the panic room again?
He hated it in here.
It hurt to be in here, he hated it.
Why was he here?
He was scared.
Where was Dean?
What was going on?
He didn't want to be here.
Where was Dean?
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
these iron bars can't hold my soul in
all I need is you
"Dean?" Sam called again. Where was he? Was he getting food? Was he on a job? Was he in trouble? Was he with Cas? Where was Cas? Should he pray for him? No, Castiel never answers his prayers.
Come, please, I'm calling
"Dean?" Sam called. He was starting to freak out now.
Where was he?
Dean?
Why wasn't Dean here?
and all I scream for you
Hurry, I'm falling
I'm falling
"DEAN!" Sam screamed, pulling himself up on his elbows, looking around frantically for the constant presence in his life that was missing. "Dean, where are you?!"
was he fighting Lucifer? Without Sam? It would make sense, Sam isn't strong, he falls when he needs to stand and he's never there when he needs to be. He always screws things up. He can't do anything right. Never could. Never will.
Show me what it's like to be the last one standing
Teach me wrong from right
and I'll show you what I can be
Sam somehow got up and looked around the panic room in terror. "Dean!"
It hurt, Sam's head hurt really bad.
He didn't know what to do.
It was killing him.
Sam was dying.
Dean wasn't here.
Sam felt tears falling down his face and he stumbled/ran to the door. Sam threw himself against it but it didn't budge. "DEAN!"
Say it for me
say it to me
and I'll leave this life behind me
say it if it's worth saving me.
Sam slammed his fists into the cold iron door and he wanted to scream.
So he did.
"De-he-he-hean..." Sam cried out his brother's name. But he got no answer.
Why wasn't Dean answering?
Dean always answers.
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
with these broken wings I'm falling
And all I see is you
Sam screamed as more pain laced through his very soul. It hurt so bad. He wanted it over. Why wouldn't it just end?
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the 18th story
and I scream for you
Sam did scream.
He screamed for Dean for as loudly as possible.
He never came.
Why didn't he come?
Come please, I'm calling
all I need is you
hurry I'm falling
I'm falling
Sam slid to the iron floor, covering a part of the devils trap. He cried and convulsed until he passed out.
The darkness over powering every other thought.
He only knew that the song was still playing and Dean never came.
Sam was curled up in the corner of the Cage. The red lights flashing and the black spots dancing in front of his eyes. Lucifer's laugh echoed off the bars that would flash from metal to flesh in seconds. Sam squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to see the tortured faces and screaming souls around him.
A hand caressed his hair.
"Sammy."
Sam flinched at the voice. He knew who it was and he hated when Lucifer did this. It hurt more than he could say. He missed him so much but he wasn't coming to save Sam, he couldn't. He should go and live a life free from the destruction Sam always carried around with him. Sam was the only demon the world ever knew and he was gone now.
Lets keep it that way.
Lucifer's laugh morphed out of Deans. And then everything was silent.
Sam didn't want to but he peaked out of the protective cave he had created with his arms.
He didn't see anyone. No one was there, he was alone.
Sam quickly scoffed the idea, he was never alone. He just couldn't see his tormentor at the moment. Not wanting to face his Hell, Sam returned his face to his arms. His body trembled and shivered at the cold that was all around him, the movement squeezing blood out of the many cuts that littered the youngest Winchester's body.
Sam wanted to go home, to the Impala, to Bobby's house. He didn't want to be here anymore.
Sam wanted Dean, he wanted Cas, and he wanted Bobby. But he couldn't have them, he was too lost — too tainted. He brought this upon himself and just because he'd been able to dodge many trips to the Pit that didn't mean he was going to get out now that he was here.
No.
He was here to burn.
It was all he could give and it was the least he could do. Who knows how many people are dead and suffering because of Sam, because of the things he did. Letting out a small whimper, Sam curled in tighter of himself, realizing what new torture was being used on him.
Lucifer sometimes left Sam alone to drown in his mistakes and he only came back when Sam hated the mental and emotion pain so much he asked for physical. Sam closed his blood shot eyes and sobbed into the crook of his elbow. In a way he guessed he was torturing himself.
But like he said, he deserved it. He had screwed up so many times — freeing Lucifer was the last straw. Sam opened his eyes when he heard a creaking noise, like someone was walking on old wood. Sam raised his head ever so slowly, his frightened hazel eyes twitching to and fro.
Sam was in a class room, one he had to sit in many times in Stanford. It was for phycology. He was sitting at the desk he always sat in, the only thing that was different was the absence of Jessica next to him and the rest of the class. Sam looked at the empty black plastic seat. Just another piece of his life missing, he was filled with Lucifer impersonating the people he loves and memories the devil has perverted.
With another creaking noise, a large screen rolled down and the projector turned on with a hum. It was a power point, the first slide reading: What I Created by Sam Winchester.
Sam's stomach did somersaults inside him, extremely scared of what he was about to see.
The second slide had a large megaphone on it, announcing there was audio. A little white arrow moved on the screen but no one was touching the mouse on the laptop that sat dejectedly on the podium.
There was a soft click.
You'll burn this time
seeing the violence
Loud rock/punk music blasted from the 7 ft speakers that had randomly appeared. Sam's hands clapped onto his ears, trying in vain to protect them from the stabbing sound. The screen changed and there was then a video of a hurricane that was tearing through a suburb in Florida, people were screaming and children were crying. The noises mixed in with the blaring music. Sam jumped back in his seat, tipping it over backward causing his head to connected with the dark green carpet with a loud crash.
it's feeding my mind
no one is saving you
Hearing the similarities between his life and the song through his pain, Sam opened his eyes and groaned. He rolled on his side and tried to get up, blood pooling out of many lacerations and from behind his ear.
How can you find Heaven in this Hell?
Once on his feet again, Sam turned around and saw a video of him laughing with Jessica on the couch in their house, the hurricane video next to them had been replaced by a fire. People stared in horror at the flames that gobbled up their homes, their belongings, their very lives.
And Sam laughed again as he threw his arm around Jess's shoulders,bringing her into a kiss.
leave it behind
hearing your silence
Sam's hazel eyes flittered between both videos, not knowing which one hurt more to look at.
it screams our goodbye
Sam started hyperventilating as the two videos merged and it was Sam laughing as he lit another house on fire. People screamed from inside.
Cannot believe it's an eye for an eye
Sam watched as someone ran out of the torched home. Is was a man, holding a child close to his chest and pulling a dark haired woman behind him. The man turned around and stared in horror at his ruined house.
It was Dean. He was with Ben and Lisa.
Sam had set fire to their house.
Sam was brought to his knees at the sheer agony that swept through his body. He gasped for air through the tears that fell down his face.
love is gone to waste.
Dean's green eyes found Sam, standing next to the burned remains of his home, holding a lighter and smiling maniacally. "Sam?" He said in disbelief.
Sam shook his head, his fingers trying to grab on to the carpet that was turning brown from his blood. His fingers scraped against the floor boards underneath as he wormed his way under he carpet. He needed something to hold onto.
"No, Dean." Sam chanted, tears pouting down his face. "No thats not me, it's not me!"
Lisa and Ben changed into Castiel and Bobby, both beat up and bloody as they stared at Sam with hatred. Sam was tied up in the panic room. Dean looked at Castiel though a bruised face and swollen eyes. "Can you help him?"
Sam felt Lucifer behind him and he turned quickly to make sure it was only in the video. The devil wrapped his arms around Sam, one around his waist and the other over his neck, his hand resting on Sam's mouth, covering it like a gag.
Sam pleaded with Castiel through his eyes.
Angels have faith
i don't want to be apart of his sin
i dint want to get lost in his world
Cas shook his head and said in his blunt voice: "There's nothing I can do, Sam is too lost for my help. For anyone's help."
Dean shrugged and started closing the panic room door. "Eh, okay, no real loss anyway."
Sam screamed through Lucifer's hand as he watched the light behind the door becoming limited as it closed. With a loud clang, the light was gone altogether and Satan cackled in his ear.
I'm not playing this game!
Sam was looking at Castiel in what he knew was Heaven. He was talking to Jessica Moore and Mary and John Winchester. They were all looking down in the same place. Sam looked up at them, not sure what to think or hope for.
"So," Jessica said, Sam's heart clenched at her voice. "He's just down there?"
Where the shadows remain in the light of day
on the wings of darkness he'll retaliate
"Yes." Cas confirmed. "Right where he belongs."
Jessica nodded in agreement.
He'll be falling far from grace
Till the end of all his days
Sam made a sound that was akin to a cry and a moan. He looked onto the scene he had seen many times in his head, not sure if her should believe it now. But how could it be wrong? Look at what he's done. It's not surprising that they were leaving him like this.
"I was so right about that boy." John Winchester said under his breath, looping an arm around Mary's waist. "It was his fault you died so young, Mary."
Mary Winchester nodded, his crystal blue eyes cold and hard. "He took everything from me. It's about time he got what he deserved."
Sam shook his head and tightened his grip on the floor beneath the carpet, his hands digging into the nails beneath, making blood seep out of the floor. He didn't pay attention though, he could barely feel it.
From the ashes of hate
its a cruel demons fate
on the wings of darkness
he's returned to stay
Sam saw the yellow-eyed demon feed him demon blood. He was born for the deal Mary had made. He had always been meant for this. Having demon blood, drinking demon blood, being Lucifer's vessel, it was all planned out. He was born of Hell and it was where he remained. He was born to create anguish and destruction.
There will be no escape
'cause he's fallen far from grace
Sam lowered his head, his tears mingling with the blood on his face as they both traveled downward — like water and blood were a team.
They are — or were.
Dean had always been water, free flowing, clear, and essential to life. Sam had always been blood. Blood was what he spilt and what he drank —'what he is.
"SAM!"
He jumped at his name and looked up to see Dean running toward a door in what seemed to be a church. Sam was on the other end, his arm outstretched and pointed toward Lilith. She was already dead, blood pouring out if her like a faucet that was left running by some stupid child. She was flooding the whole place. Dean and Sam were both drowning in the blood and the only one who was able to swim in it was Lucifer.
Choking on blood, Sam felt something grab his shirt and he turned to see Dean, covered in the red liquid, a look of complete and utter betrayal on his face.
What have you done?
Is this what you wanted?
What have you become?
your soul's now forsaken
Dean placed his free hand on top of Sam's head and pushed him under the tide of blood. Sam choked and screamed but Dean held him down — drowning him.
You're walking alone from Heaven into Hell
Sam unhooked his bloody fingers from the floor and stood up on wobbly legs and ran/stumbled towards the large wooden doors at the end of the room.
As he ran as fast as he could Sam noticed that the aisle was lengthening, the door getting farther and farther away. Sam slowed his charge, Lucifer was the only one who could control this place. It was his maze and Sam was the mouse.
Now that you know
your way in this madness
Sam then realized that the song ceased to be a female singer and had been replaced by the devil himself.
Your powers are gone
Sam turned backs round and saw him drinking demon blood and then being chained to the cot in the panic room on the screen.
Your chains have been broken
You suffered so long
Sam then turned his back to the screen. He didn't want the devil's pity. He was going to get to him that way.
Lucifer's laughter echoed through out the classroom.
You will never change
Sam swallowed the blood that was pooling inside his mouth. "Damn straight" he muttered. Looking around to see where the devil was hiding himself.
On the screen, there was a picture of Sam, his head bent in the many times he prayed for help to Castiel. He knew he wouldn't come though. You can't fix something as broken as he.
Angels have faith, Lucifer mocked.
I don't want to be apart of his sin
i don't want to get lost in his world
Sam tried to walk away but found himself stuck.
Looked down, Sam screamed as he saw his feet melting into the carpet around him, flesh turning into liquid and blood blossoming around the tissue-y mess. Sam tried to run but he couldn't, he didn't have any knees!
I'm not playing this game!
Sam stretched out his hands out to try to stop his slow, pain filled descent but as soon as he touched the floor his fingers melted away till Sam could see the bones that made up his hands.
Sam screamed, it hurt so bad.
It was a cold burning sensation that clawed through every nerve until it was left in pieces, barely able to register the real amount of pain he was feeling.
Where the shadows remain in the light of day
on the wing of darkness he retaliate
He'll be falling from grace
Till the end of all his days.
"I don't trust you, Sammy!"
"Why are you doing this?"
"No, no please!"
"SAM!"
Sam wanted to raise his hands to his ears to stop the on pour of voices but he didn't have hands anymore. He only had his chest and his biceps as a feeble barrier between the rest of him and the horrible green lava.
and to think green was Sam's favorite color.
From the ashes of hate
its a cruel demon's fate
on the wings of darkness
he'll return to stay
How was the music still playing?! Sam cracked his eyes open an inch — just realizing they had been shut tight — and saw the rest of the class room had faded away but the song still pounded against his eardrums.
Sam tried to scream when he felt the floor brush his chin but he didn't have lungs anymore. Was it sad that he already knew what that felt like?
There will be no escape
'cause he's fallen far from grace
Sam gasped in a vain attempt to get air but he couldn't, he was suffocating.
Angels have faith
I don't want to be apart of this sin
Sam could feel the floor against his face. It burned his skin away like acid.
It burned.
He couldn't stop it.
No one was here to help him.
Who would even help him, knowing the things he's done?
I don't want to be lost in this world
I'm not playing his game!
Sam could hear the screams again.
The screams the tore through the raw throats of tortured souls and flooded the Cage interior. Sam felt them fill what was left of him. He didn't know how much of him that was, he couldn't see, couldn't feel anything but the steady burning pain that refused to leave him.
He wished he could pass out but he hasn't slept sense coming here.
Where the shadows remain in the light of day
on the wings of darkness he'll retaliate
he'll be falling from grace
till the end of all his days
Sam's hazel eyes flashed open and he sat up. He was still in the corner of the Cage. Lucifer wearing Dean's face smiled and laughed at him. Sam could only sit here, looking at Satan, panting and wearing an expression of horror and disbelief.
Here it was again. He would be dead and then just heal up again. His body was perfectly healthy, not so much his mind.
The song was still playing and Lucifer sang along, dancing around Sam's trembling body.
From the ashes of hate
its a cruel demon's fate
On the wings of darkness
You'll return to stay
Sam didn't move at all durning all this. He stared straight ahead, feeling too aloof to notice anything at the moment. After a while, Sam laid down on the freezing ground and curled up into a ball. His hazel eyes stayed looking in front of him. He couldn't do anything else but breath in and out. He couldn't take this. He was so broken he could see pieces of him lying about the cage.
He heard the crying souls of the damned echoing in his ears, mingling with Lucifer's singing and the pulsing beat of the song. Lucifer's shoes danced in front of Sam's eyes. Then Lucifer bent down until he was looking right at Sam. He than sang again.
There will be no escape
Cause you've fallen far from grace
Lucifer reached out and ran his fingers through Sam's hair, in an almost loving way.
"See, Sam?" He said, Dean'a voice laced underneath. "We're both little devils, huh?"
Sam couldn't even feel the tears on his face.
Sam burst into the living room. The shapeshifter stood there behind the couch and in front of the tv, looking like the man who lived here. Without hesitation, Sam raised his gun and shot the monster in the heart, only becoming irritated when blood splattered across his face.
The thing crashed down and Sam got a good look of the movie that was still playing n the tv behind it. He cocked his head to the side as he looked at the screen with a puzzled expression.
It was of two bears, one big and one tiny. They were brothers and they were walking away happy with their ending in the film. Sam frowned. He'd seen that somewhere before.
oh, yeah.
Sam had seen it in an airport somewhere. It had bothered him for some reason.
"Sir?"
Sam turned at the tiny voice. It was two girls, both with long dark hair though one looked younger. They must've been sisters. They stood there, the blood of their parents splattered on their matching night gowns. They looked to be in their twenties and must've been here visiting their mother and father.
Sam had seen them somewhere before too.
In the same airport.
They had seen the whole case. They had seen him kill the shifter.
"Is..." The oldest asked, swallowing what Sam guessed to be a large lump in her throat. Her sister's eyes were blood shot and the girl herself looked to be still crying.
Sam groaned on the inside, he hated tears!
"is it d-dead?" She asked. She was looking at Sam funny, like he was going to protect her or something.
Without batting an eye, Sam raised his gun and shot the black haired girl right between the eyes. More blood was splayed across his face and Sam's mouth curled in disgust. The younger sister screamed and tried to run but with two quick shots from Sam's gun and she was down too.
Using the back of his hand Sam tried to wipe the blood from his face but it didn't do any good. Growling in frustration because he ruined another shirt, Sam reached in his pocket and texted Samuel, telling him the jobs as done and he'd be back soon.
Everywhere I turn
I hurt someone...
Sam gave the tv, that was still playing, his bitch-face and raised his gun before shooting the DVD player. He wasn't going to listen to Disney movies.
though, as Sam walked out the door, he couldn't help but think the song meant something to him. Well, to the old Sam.
Hmmm.
Weird.
Sam shrugged it off as he walked out the ruined home, leaving the bodies it contained inside.
He didn't really care one way or another.
Sam slammed the Impala's car door loudly and looked around frantically for Dean. He finally saw him, running across the blood stained ground and jumping into the driver's seat, his foot instantly slamming on the gas pedal.
Blue and red lights flashed behind them and sirens blared. Sam breathed heavily as he looked to see the police cars slowly fading into the distance as the Impala outdistanced them.
Hearing a small, disbelieving laugh, Sam turned to see his older brother smiling happily at the road ahead.
Feeling a little concerned for his brother's mental well-being, Sam gave him a look and asked, "are you okay?"
"yeah," Dean said, a little breathlessly. "Yeah, Sammy, I am."
Not believing him in the slightest, Sam still gave Dean his signature bitch-face. "Why are you laughing? We just ganked a group of vampires and the police are now after us. Again."
"Because," Dean smiled still, "we just ganked a group of vampires and the police are after us again."
Thinking Dean had followed Sam's example to go in the luny bin, Sam kept staring at his brother. "And that makes you happy?"
Dean laughed again. He looked over at Sam and Sam thought he saw some unshed tears in his brother's green eyes. "Yeah, yeah it does. I mean, we're alive, and we're hunting things and saving people. Why shouldn't that make me happy?"
Sam stared open mouthed at his brother, thinking over what he just said slowly. Dean laughed at his brother's dumbfounded expression and reached for the radio, switching it on.
Carry on my wayward son
Sam's eyes flickered to the radio and then back at Dean, who had already started to sing. Did he play that on purpose? It was one of dad's favorite songs, John Winchester also expressed that Mary loved it as well.
There'll be peace when you are done
Sam closed his mouth and leaned back in his chair, relaxing a little though still contemplating Dean's logic. Sam had always thought that he was the wayward son. He was the one that hated hunting and antagonized his father at every chance he got. He was the one that drew their father up the walls because he wouldn't do what he was told like Dean.
But, look what he had done while looking for his dad. Some good, a lot bad, but still a lot. He and Dean had saved the world, they had both literally been to hell and back, and they found love in their life that they had to leave.
But they had saved the world and that had to be an accomplishment.
Lay your weary head to rest
And he and his brother were both alive, kicking and fighting monsters. Sam felt a smile start to grow on his face too, though it felt weird. Sam wasn't used to being optimistic.
Sam joined Dean in singing the next lyric.
Don't you cry no more
Sam whipped out an air guitar and Dean bobbed his head to the beat, hitting his hands on the steering wheel. Sam couldn't help but let a small laugh bubble out. It was so good to laugh, and sing, and just have fun with his brother. The last time they did this it was Dean's last day before he was dragged to hell.
Nothing bad was going to happen to them this time though and Sam laughed louder in his relief.
"Dean? Sam?"
sam jumped and whirled around to see a very confused Castiel sitting in the back seat. His blue eyes travelled from one dancing/singing Winchester to the other, trying to figure out what was going on.
Dean chuckled at Castiel's confusion and Sam laughed loudly and well.
Sam knew one of the only reasons Cas visited them was to talk about weird stuff concerning his mental stability, but at the moment he wasn't and Sam could not have been happier.
"Come on, Cas!" Dean called, trying to get the fallen angel in the same mood the boys found themselves in.
After a while, a small Cas-smile formed of his face and the angel let out a tiny giggle akin to a noise a bunny would make.
Sam laughed again. It felt so good. Cas was alive, Dean was alive, Sam was alive, and Lucifer was no where to be found.
They had escaped the world of horror and tears that they always occupied by listening to a really old, over-played rock song.
Sam hadn't felt this happy in a long time.
Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Sam and Dean sang along with the verse while Cas, not knowing the words, just sat in the backseat laughing and watching the boys have fun.
"Yes!" Castiel cried, smiling as big as he possibly could. "This is what I was talking about! Communication! Harmony!"
Dean smiled and shook his head and Castiel's antics.
Just to get a glimpse belong this illusion
Sam danced as much as he could in the small space he had and Dean sang passionately in the driver's seat, making hand gestures to match what the lead singer was saying.
I was soaring ever higher
but I flew too high
Sam was sure if he could see them, Castiel's wings would be fluttering and flapping along with the beat while his hands clapped and his smile grew.
He looked like a complete idiot.
Dean also looked incredibly stupid and Sam was sure he looked like the third Stooge himself but he didn't care. All the pain and guilt he had been holding he was letting go for this song at least.
He couldn't carry it if he wanted to dance.
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
though my mind could think I still was a mad man
Dean made the 'I'm watching you' gesture towards the road and Sam make the 'I'm crazy' sign by twirling his finger near his head. Cas shrugged like he knew he didn't even have to act out the lyric. Which Sam supposed he didn't.
I hear the voices when I'm dreamin'
I can hear them say!
All the boy's voices cracked before they could hold the note but they didn't care, the best part was coming up and like hell they weren't going to sing to it.
Carry on my wayward son
they'll be peace when you are done
Sam looked at his brother and his angel. They were both so happy, so content with just being in a old, busted up, bloody car. They were so happy with the little things like a good song coming on the radio. They all did so much and they don't really ask for anything in return but a good time like this.
They just want to feel good.
Lay your weary head to rest
Sam smiled widely, a laugh tumbling out of his mouth as he watched Dean sing and Cas clap. This was his reason for living. This is what he came back from the Cage for. What he was willing to do anything for.
This is what family is.
Not blood.
not a name.
This.
And Sam was willing to do anything in his power to protect it.
He was willing to fight for it.
Because that was his job. That's what he wanted.
These are the people he wants to save.
This is why he hunts.
This is the family business.
And he'd be damed if he let anything happen to it.
Don't you cry no more
Phew! It's done. Wow that took a long time. I'm a little tired now.
Well, please read and review and tell me what you think! I hope you guys like this and I really did enjoy writing it.
Have an awesome life!