Author's Note: Tried out some different characters for size. Need to get back into it.
Interpret how you will, and feel free to tell me what you think!
Not so much the taste of the sweets or the tea, rare as it was that Chizuru had the time to actually enjoy them; and with the Shinsnengumi, such frivolities were typically eschewed.
It was probably the loneliness of her years as a "boy" among men that was getting to her.
Maybe.
It wasn't even that Yukimura Chizuru didn't enjoy tea and dango quite a lot, because she did, but drinking tea with Hijikata Toshizo, for example, beautiful and awe-inspiring as he was, didn't exactly put her at ease. And dango, delicious as they could be, didn't necessarily lend her to wondering what exactly it was that made Harada Sanosuke's eyes that particular color; what gave them that wonderful sparkle.
And by no means did either condition aforementioned incline Chizuru to be any more receptive to long, half-sarcastic rants about how utterly supreme Kondou-san was, and what a walking joke Hijikata-san made in comparison; concluded with an emphatic "...and if you tell anyone I said this, I'll kill you."
—Though she had learned to listen patiently and encourage any positive sentiments expressed. She did indeed hold her silence, death threats nonwithstanding.
Really, Chizuru was beginning to worry for herself, treated more often by some captains and all the troops like a little brother more than the young woman that she was, and she felt sometimes that this persona she'd had to adopt (for one, she had to have a thick skin) was rubbing off at last.
But no, if she was turning into a man, she would feel like she fit in better, wouldn't she?
The only times she felt truly at ease and understood were in her moments with Osen; Osen could listen as well as Harada or Saitoh, but unlike those two, Osen was a young woman, so it was just different. She was less bound to explode like Hijikata (who could be quite pleasant when he wanted to be, which was unfortunately not often). Osen was definitely much more receptive and trustworthy with Chizuru's personal feelings than Okita; but she also contributed well to discussions, unlike Saitoh.
It was special, it was something that no man Chizuru had ever come across was able to accomplish: this basic communication, connection of thoughts and emotions, as women, as equals, as friends.
So, really, was it any wonder she felt this wonderful glow in the rare hours that they were together, just eating, drinking, talking, laughing? She reveled in these moments of calm, basking in the shine of somebody unlike any other she knew now...so maybe it shouldn't have surprised her when she thought half-admiringly, half-jealously of the beautiful colorful kimono and the way Osen could just float down the busy streets (even though she was wearing geta).
It filled Chizuru with a kind of longing, to see a girl that could be a girl, and such a girl at that: who did not need to shroud her slim, feminine form in worn, oversized kimono and hakama; who could grow her soft, silky brown hair properly long, and wear pale peach lipstick because it brought out the deep rose color of those large, unusual, sparkling eyes.
Still unreconciled were Yukimura Chizuru, the doctor's daughter, and Yukimura Chizuru, the young man who helped Yamazaki with his medic's duties in addition to serving as Hijikata's page. She was in limbo, neither completely man nor woman, forced to grow up in a man's world; neither strong nor weak, pulled in a thousand different directions or more by her duties and destiny: history, love, and friendship.
In those rare hours of "Osen Time," which were much too few and far-between, Chizuru was so often torn instead between wanting to laugh until her lungs burst in the warmth and relief of the burden placed upon her by the war, or cry until she drowned and didn't have any more responsibilities, or even hold on as tight to Osen and kiss those perfect peach lips like she breathed (she was adrift and needed somebody to cling to), that she couldn't even make up her mind.
Chizuru drank tea and ate dango or manjuu with Osen whenever she could.
She always did hate to say goodbye.