I take one last look at her before the elevator doors close, and the last thing I see are her beautiful, crystal blue eyes. And just like that, she's gone. She's gone. Holy shit she's gone! What have I done? I stand in the foyer, waiting for the elevator doors to open again, waiting to see those blue eyes again. After staring at the elevator doors for what feels like hours, I slowly turn away. She's not coming back Grey, forget it, you can't control this one. And as soon as I realize this, I feel sick. Theres nothing I can do, she doesn't want me, and I don't blame her. What I would give to just hold her for a few moments, to kiss her one last time. I can't think about this anymore. Maybe if I get some sleep that will numb the pain for a few hours at least.
I walk into my bedroom and lay down. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to force myself to sleep, but I can't. This is too much pain to ignore. I look over and stare at Ana's side of the bed. It is perfectly made. Like she was never even there. The thought is more depressing than I ever could've imagined. I roll over to her side of the bed, her pillow smells of her, it smells so sweet its almost sickening. She should be here. With me. She should be wrapped in my arms. I bury my nose into her pillow, inhaling deeply. I have never wanted anything more than I want this woman. She loves me. How could she possibly love this? This empty, heartless shell of a man. Her smell is so sweet and soothing, that I finally drift into a deep and troubled sleep.
"I've fallen in love with you Christian." She says leaning in close to me. I take her head in between my hands, I am about to respond, when all of a sudden, she fades away and I am alone, in the playroom with the belt in my hand. I drop it with disgust. How could I do that to her? I run to the great room and she is walking out the door. I run to the doors, but when I try to open them, they're locked, I can't get to her. No! I need to tell her how I feel, I need to tell her that I love her. And through the doors I hear the elevator ping, and then close again.
I wake with a jolt. I am sitting up in bed, panting, covered in sweat, and shaking uncontrollably. And the ironic part is the only person who can console me, is the person who I am having nightmares about. I never had nightmares when she slept with me. Every Night, she kept me safe, every night she kept me happy, every night she stayed with me. I don't know why, but obviously she has come to her senses. And as much as I wish she hadn't, I know that she is better off without me. She deserves someone better. Someone who won't hurt her. Someone who will take care of her much better than I did. The thought is sickening. But that is all I want to do. Thats all I've ever wanted, was to protect her, and take care of her. And yet, I am the one who has hurt her. I don't deserve her. C'mon Grey, snap out of this. You have lived your whole life without a girlfriend, move on. She isn't coming back. Go on with your life.
I finally feel like I have enough strength to peel myself out of bed. As I get up, I glance over to the nightstand on Ana's side of the bed, and I see a box with a note on it. I pick up the note and read it.
"This reminded me of a happy time. Thank you. -Ana"
I drop back onto the bed. Reading her note over and over again. Examining the handwriting, looking for...well I don't know. Anything. After reading the note about 50 times, I decide its time to see what reminded her of a happy time. I grab the box and carefully unwrap the wrapping paper around the box. It's a model glider. She bought it for me to build. I think back to that time we went gliding. She was so happy. I was so happy. I can't remember ever feeling that kind of joy and as carefree as I did then. She bought this for me? Why? Why do I deserve such a wonderful gift. And the fact is, I know that I don't. I open the box and start to put together the glider.
Finally, after four hours of frustration, agony, and nostalgia, I have finally finished the glider. I take it, and put it on Ana's nightstand. Well, what used to be her nightstand. I put it on her side, because that's where I want to sleep. I want to smell her, and feel her. I take the note and lean it up against the glider. I lie down on her side and gaze at the glider and the note, thinking about nothing but her. I take the note, and start to read it, again and again and again. It's the only piece of her I have left, and with that realization I can feel water prickling in the back of my eyes, my face heating up, and out of nowhere, the H in the word Happy has been smudged, and it takes me a moment to realize that I have shed a tear. My first tear. I have never cried before. Ever. Oh-God! What have I done? Why couldn't I be the man that she wants? That she deserves? Was she really asking that much of me? She loved me, and she wanted to be with me. That was it, she just wanted to love me and be there for me. Why wouldn't I want that? I did want that. I DO want that. So...why did I let her go? I could've stopped her. If I had just-if I had just told her how I felt, if I had just told her...I don't know if I can say it. Then I look down at the note again. Oh, who am I kidding? I love her. I love her so much. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. I've loved her since she tumbled into my office. How did I let her go? How did I hurt the only woman who ever made me happy. Who made me feel like I was good enough. But of course, I was wrong about that too. I wasn't, and she is better off. And with that thought I decide to try and move on, I head to my study, taking the glider and the note with me and place it on my desk.
I have been sitting at my desk for the past 25 minutes. I haven't done anything, I have spent the entire time gazing at the glider, and reading the note over and over again. I need to snap out of this. Control Grey. Control. I shake my head, and rub my hands up and down my face and through my hair. I finally manage to get some work done, I have been looking at my computer for the past 4 hours, knowing that if I take my eyes off it, they will shoot over to the gift, and I will be right back to where I started. And as the thought of not looking at the gift shoots through my mind, my eyes glance over and look at the glider and the note once more. And I can't, I just can't take it anymore, in a fit of rage and despair, I viciously swipe all everything off my desk including my computer, and with one swift movement, I flip the desk. The glider falls onto the floor. "No!" I run over to pick it up, and to my relief, there is no damage to it. And then I remember, the note! Where's the note? I look around the sea of papers and folders and debris from my desk, and I find it, and its all crinkled up. I open it up and rub it against the edge of my desk to try and get the wrinkles out. Then I fold it up neatly, softly kiss it, and put it into my shirt pocket. In a daze I get up and slowly saunter over and look out the window, looking down on all of Seattle, and I can see the Pike Market Place from here. I wonder what she's doing. What if she's with Jose? What if she is telling him everything? What if she has decided she wants him? I want to vomit at the thought. Well, at least he wouldn't hit her. I close my eyes in searing regret and shame.
I hear a light timid knock on the door of my study, and my head shoots around to see if it's her. I can feel my face fall as soon as I see Taylor standing in the doorway, and I can see that he wants to say something, but he doesn't.
"Can I help you with something Taylor?" I snap at him. He doesn't flinch or show any sign of offense. I shake my head and look over at him again with an apologetic frown.
"Sir, Ms. Steele has arrived safely back to her apartment. I thought you would want to know." At first I want to shout at him for bringing her up, but it's not like I wasn't thinking about her anyway. And I do want to know that she's okay. It's the only thing that will keep me from going completely insane.
"Thank you Taylor." I nod at him in appreciation.
"Of course, Sir. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you." He nods and turns to walk away.
"Taylor?" I call softly. Gazing out the window I can still feel his presence, I can feel he is lingering out in the hall. He quickly appears again. Gazing out the window still, I ask him…
"How was she when you left?" I ask, my voice barely audible, but I know he can hear me. I glance over at him in anticipation. Taylor's face falls. And I see pity and sympathy plastered on his face. This is the last thing I want. I don't need anyone's pity or sympathy. Taylor looks away from me, and obviously very uncomfortable he straightens.
"Honestly Sir, I've seen her in better moods." He shrugged looking down. What is that? That doesn't tell me anything. Does she miss me? Does she still even think about me?
"What do you mean Taylor?" I prompt him, making it very clear that I want a more precise answer. He looks up and sighs, and he looks almost relaxed? Well I'm glad someone around here can.
"She was devastated, Sir. I've never seen Ms. Steele that way before. Quite frankly, it was very heartbreaking to witness." He shakes his head looking down in obvious sadness. I gaze back out the window toward Pike Place. Oh no, this is what I've done. I have hurt the only woman I have ever loved. The one person who I would do anything to keep safe and happy. And yet, I have pushed her to the point where even Taylor could see her pain. The pain that I brought upon her. And upon myself. What I would do to make it go away. I gaze back out the window.
"You think I deserve it?" I ask. Genuinely curious. I'm sure I do, how could I expect to beat the woman I love and expect her to stick around? Taylor looks up at me, his brow furrowing as if he doesn't understand my question. He slowly walks through the door of my study and he picks up my desk and my computer and begins to gather all of the papers and files I had tossed onto the floor.
"Sir, I don't believe it is my place to say." He says with an uncomfortable frown on his face. I turn around and glare at him. I slowly sink to the floor, putting my face in my hands. And almost scream at him to fuck off and tell me, but I do my best to control my anger. Barely.
"For fuck's sake Taylor, just tell me!." I raise my voice. Imploring him to tell me how it is, because I can't think for myself. He finishes picking up the mess that I've made. Well, part of it. I don't think the other part can possibly be cleaned up. He sets the papers on my desk the slowly walks over to me and to my surprise, sits down on the floor next to me.
"No Sir, I don't." He says, sounding very sure of himself. But I don't buy it.
"Taylor, I don't want you here if you're going to sugarcoat this for me. Just fucking tell me! Tell me what you really think!" I implore him, begging him. Taylor moves uncomfortably, and I know that he has more to say.
"Sir, Mr. Grey." His voice cracks, obviously nervous of what he's about to say.
"I have been aware of the nature of your relationship with Ms. Steele from the beginning. I remember the night that you came home after you had met her. You already seemed different. You had something in your eyes when I saw you. It was a glimmer of hope, of possibilities. It was a joy to see sir. I believe you are a good man Mr. Grey, I believe that what you deserve is happiness, in whatever way, shape, or form. When I learned what was happening between you and Ms. Steele, my first thought was my concern for you Sir. And for Ms. Steele of course. I must say she is a wonderful girl Sir, and I think she deserves you and you DO deserve her. I do believe you deserved a wake up call Sir. I will say that. If you care for Ms. Steele in the way I know you do, then you need to find another way. You will have to choose between her, and your previous lifestyle. If you want her back, then go get her. Do whatever it takes, and you never know, maybe she'll come back. But I don't believe you deserve this Sir. But I do think you needed it. I've never seen you the way I have the past few weeks, it's been a joy to witness Sir, but the fact is, Ms. Steele didn't want to be in a relationship with a timer on it, which I think is understandable, and she was obviously just trying to protect herself, which is definitely understandable. You need to show her she has nothing to be frightened of. You need to show her she can trust you, otherwise Sir…" He trails off. That is I think the longest sentence I have ever heard come out of Taylor's mouth, But, he has made perfect sense, but I don't know If I can do it. She's probably already washed her hands of me. I close my eyes trying to squeeze out the pain.
"She doesn't want me back. And I don't blame her. There isn't anything I can do, she is done with me. I know she is. She wouldn't even let me kiss her goodbye. There's no point in trying. It will only end badly." I whisper, my voice shaking. Taylor shakes his head in...disapproval? exasperation? He slowly rises to his feet and turns to me.
"Well Sir, I guess you'll never know then, will you?" And he walks out of the room. Leaving me with this thought. He has a point, how can she say yes if I don't try. I can't think about this now. I need to shower maybe that will help. I walk into the bathroom and lock the door, I'm not sure why. But it makes me feel safe, contained. As I climb into the shower, it hits me as soon as the water does...she should be in here with me. And all of the times we've spent in here together, holding her holding me. I can remember her beautiful soft skin, and how it felt against mine. This is so fucked up! I scream in my head. I can't even take a fucking shower to make me feel better. I can't get away from this. It's impossible. Everything I see, smell, hear, taste, and touch reminds me of her. Shes everywhere, she is my whole world. Quickly washing myself off, so that I can get out quickly and not think about how much I want her here with me I use the body wash that Ana used to use. So much for keeping your mind off her Grey. I finish and hop out of the shower, wrapping a towel around me. I pick up my clothes off the floor and as I do, the note falls out of my shirt pocket. I look at it again. Why am I so infatuated with this? It's only going to make me feel worse. I read it again, and finally thats it. I can't take this. I go and dress in my sweats, t-shirt and sneakers. I'm going to go for a run. Yes. That will clear my head…
Again, all of my thoughts are of her. I have been running for 2 hours, I haven't stopped, I can't run fast enough, fast enough to escape from this heartwrenching loneliness that I have never felt before. Even before Anastasia Steele tumbled into my office. And for the first time since she left, I feel a small smile across my face, flashing back to the moment I saw her. That moment that changed my life, and now, here i am again, except this time it's worse. Now I know what its like to love and be loved, how do you go back after something like that happens to you? How do you find it again? But I don't want to find it with anyone else, only her. Only Anastasia Rose Steele. The most beautiful, kind, witty, infuriating, exasperating, smart, loving woman I have ever laid eyes on.
Somehow, I find myself at Pike Place across the street from her apartment. I look up to the window that I know is her bedroom. There is no sign of movement, life, her. I take the note that she left for me out of my pocket, open it up and look it over one last time, then quickly close it as raindrops smatter the ink. I fold it up holding it close to me and kissing it. Its all I have left of her. I take one step towards her apartment then stop myself. Leave the poor girl alone. She is trying to be happy. Don't ruin her chance. Let her go. She deserves to be happy. And with that thought I step back. I need to let her go. I love her. I love her so much I feel like my chest is going to explode with love and sorrow and pain. And for the first time, I begin to question if I have a heart, because if I do, it has undoubtedly been broken. But I love her, and she needs to be happy. I need her to be happy, I just wish more than anything in the world that it could've been with me. But it can't. And it won't. And with that realization, I run away. Away from her, away from the pain, away from my regret and self-loathing. But no matter how fast I go, It all stays with me, and I drift off as I remember every detail of the first time I ever met Anastasia Steele.