A/N. This is a bit of an experimental piece I've been toying with for awhile now. It's written in free verse, and it follows Cameron's progression, her relationships, and how she's changed as a character over the years.
---Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with laughter... and tears.
- Fiddler on the Roof
--
06.
She is rosy red apples and
Warm, frothy milk
Asleep under the quilt her great-grandmother had made
For a someday-child
Dark curls against a pale, chubby cheek
She glows with health and loveliness
And her parents call her their pride and joy.
13.
She moves to the coast with her mother
Papa's gone but she's okay
Hurt, but okay
She is glitter-winds, full of big dreams
And small prayers
Sea salt clings to her eyelashes like crystal tears
She is the sugar-crunch of
Hot sand beneath bare toes,
And she is sweet summer sweat and the scent
Of the sand-dunes at twilight
Her mother dies with the season.
18.
She is angry and bitter and afraid
And so, so tired of fighting, of
Constantly clawing her way to the top of the pile
Sometimes she wants to die
Allison Cameron wonders for the first time if there is a God.
The only thing she took with her when she left Encinitas was
A conch shell she found out among the breakers
Pearly and hard
Like the curled fist of the sea.
20.
He tells her he loves her over cheap wine and crappy Thai takeout
For some reason, that makes it mean even more.
21.
She buries her wedding ring with Daniel.
It doesn't seem fair to hang onto it without him.
She graduates at the top of her class.
No one asks her where she is going, and
When she leaves for Scottsdale and doesn't come back,
It's not like there's any family left behind
To miss her or wonder where she went
No ties to bind her.
25.
She hates the desert.
It is too much like Encinitas; it drives her insane.
Her internship at the Mayo Clinic ends.
The night before she leaves (again)
She hikes five miles out into the desert,
Buries the conch
And drives for five days straight.
She arrives in Jersey at three in the morning.
Here neon taints the sky
Awash with car exhaust fumes, stale cigarette smoke
And cheap cologne
The shadows are full of the dark flash of steel
And the slick sound of a switchknife being released
It is nothing like her inherently safe golden beaches.
It is perfect.
26.
There is something in his eyes
Past the warriness and mocking,
The sarcasm and taunts as he assesses her
There are some scars that don't heal.
Ever.
Allison would know.
She knows that whatever happens,
She needs this job
It will make her better.
Not perfect, but better.
Perhaps he senses something in her, too
Because he calls her that evening.
She's in.
26.5.
She never expected to fall in love with him
And it's so different from Daniel
But she finds her oceans in his eyes
And for once, she feels like remembering
Might be okay.
He's got his secrets
And she's got her heart on her sleeve.
She should've known better.
27.
She's telling everyone she's over him.
No one believes her.
Unfortunately, she's not exactly surprised.
28.
She doesn't understand him, but thinks that perhaps
There are certain people
You just keep coming back to.
She dares to hope she's one of his.
She has loved him behind doors
And through locks
And trembling under the covers like a child
That winter, she kisses him.
It feels good to finally come clean
He goes back to being inscrutible
She goes back to being lonely
She realizes that she will be 30 in less than two years.
Maybe she doesn't have forever to play games
After all.
That spring, she assuages her loneliness
That summer, she makes promises she doesn't really want to keep
But she's getting older
And she's going to need someone
And if she doesn't really love him...
Well.
They don't talk about that.
29.
And oh, he is a cunning man
But when she walks away, he has no words
And it's the most satisfying thing she's felt
In a long time
Even though it hurts a little
She bleaches her hair
Gets a tan
And paints her mouth red
She thinks about changing her name,
But decides it would be
Too self-aggrandizing or nihilistic
Or another big word like that.
It's a silly idea anyway.
She'll always be little Ally Cameron.