The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Book One
The Freakoship of the Ring
"I amar prestar sen: han mathon ne nen, han mathon ne chae…blah blah blah…The world is changed: I feel it in the water, I feel it in the earth, I smell it in the air...Much that once was is lost, blah blah blah….
It began with the forging of the great rings…three were given to the elf lords, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the dwarf lords; great miners and craftsman of the mountain halls…blah blah blah...some were given to men, but Sauron tricked them because he had made a ring that controlled all the others and he tried to take over middle earth but elves and men fought him and they won but the ring never was destroyed and it came to Bilbop Gaggins and yah."
Two Thousand Five Hundred Years Later
Fido Gaggins lay under a rather shady tree reading a book in Elvish. The only trouble he was having was that he could not understand Elvish so the book was quite boring. Annoyed, he chucked the bothersome book over his shoulder. He shut his eyes prepared to make up for the lack of sleep he had gotten the night before. He knew that staying up late making pastries would have its effects, but he did not know they would be so tiring. As he settled into his nice little nook, he heard a horrible ear pitching squealing coming from down the road. Wanting to turn the noise down so he could get some sleep, he wearily got up to go see what the source of the racket was. He walked to the edge of the road and before long, around the bend came a large cart pulled by a large horse and a man with an extremely large nose. His mouth was opened wide, and out of his very wide open mouth came the most awful noise you could ever wish to hear. The man pulled the cart to a stop, and closed his mouth. Fido looked at the old man with an evil eye. The old man looked at Fido with a curious eye.
"Hello Fido my boy!" he said cheerily, grinning from ear to ear.
"Hello Graydalf," Fido returned his evil eye never moving.
"Well I daresay you've grown!" the wizard exclaimed, looking at Fido's very short height. It was a complete lie of course. But the wizard excelled at that sort of thing.
"And I daresay that you are a fruity old bat," Fido retorted, knowing the lie.
"You daresay?" said Graydalf, shocked.
"I dare to say it," said Fido.
"Hmmmm," the wizard gave Fido an evil eye.
"Hmmmm," Fido gave the wizard an evil eye.
They gave each other an evil eye.
"I need a ride," Fido hopped, uninvited, into the cart.
"I am not a taxi service," Graydalf said, very annoyed.
"And I do not care. Drive on." Fido felt extremely snooty that day, and really did not care if he hurt the wizard's feelings at all.
Huffy and irritated by Fido's aloofness, Graydalf drove on. He knew that he should have turned Fido into a frog or a cricket or something.
They pulled into Hobbiton, with Fido yelling at Graydalf's horse the entire way to go faster. The horse had no intention of paying attention to a three-foot high curly top creature and only went slower. This put Fido in a foul mood. He had already been in a foul mood, but this put him in a fouler one. He angrily folded his arms over his chest and his lower lip hung out, wagging temptingly. He decided he had had enough of the impudent horse and its master, and hastily pulling Graydalf's hat over his eyes, he leapt out of the cart.
Enraged, Graydalf straightened his hat and swore to loathe Fido for evermore. He did, however, look forward to seeing his old friend Bilbop. He hoped that Bilbop had not changed at all, for he did not want to have to deal with a senile Hobbit for all the days he was staying.
Pulling the cart up to Bilbop's front gate, he could easily see that the house had been well taken care of. "Well," thought the wizard, "he must not be very senile to have remembered to maintain the grounds as well has he has." With this comforting thought, he gingerly went up the steps, careful that he did not trip on his robe, and rapped on the door with his staff.
A muffled voice came from inside. "No thank you! I don't want any more visitors, well-wishers or distant relations!" This did not faze Graydalf. "And what about very old friends?"
The door opened and the face of Bilbop appeared. Graydalf knelt down to give the hobbit a large hug.
"Who the 'ell are you?" Bilbop said angrily, attempting to slam the door. Graydalf, taken aback, shoved his staff into the door.
"I am Graydalf…don't you remember me? When you went to the lonely mountain?" he pleaded.
"Oh yeah," Bilbop remembered, "that old bat. A lot of good you did us, what with disappearing like that," he kicked the wizard in the shin.
"OW!" Graydalf roared, hopping up and down holding his leg.
Bilbop turned to go inside. Having nowhere else to go, Graydalf followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" Bilbop asked, getting ready to kick again.
"Well I have nowhere to stay so I thought…" Graydalf started.
"Forget it! I shall not have a fruity old bat staying in MY house!" Bilbop retorted rudely.
"Like uncle like nephew," thought Graydalf glumly. Aloud he said, "Well I AM staying here whether you like it or not." He shoved his way inside.
"GET OUT I SAY, GET OUT!" Bilbop screamed, going red in the face.
"No," said Graydalf calmly. He sat in one of the tiny chairs in the tiny living room.
"So, how have things been with you, Graydalf?" asked Bilbop, apparently forgetting his hatred of the old man.
Graydalf, in surprise, replied, "Oh, JUST peachy."
"That's nice. Care for a cup of tea? I have green tea, regular, decaffeinated, caffeinated, extra caffeinated, extra extra caffeinated, and…oh that's all. So what will it be?" Bilbop asked, stepping toward the kitchen.
"Oh, decaffeinated please. I can't stand being all hyper. It wears my energy," Graydalf replied, trying to forget the time he had drunk seven cups of coffee that was supposedly decaffeinated. It, of course, was not and he was on full blast all week. Not to mention he had many trips to the john. That Saruman had always been a trickster.
Bilbop ran off to the kitchen to make some tea, and accidentally made coffee mixed with tea. "Ah yes," he continued, "best tea in town. Can't get any better unless you travel to the Northwestsoutheast farthing," he said.
"The where?" asked Graydalf, mindlessly flipping through the latest issue of Kitchens and More! "Is this magazine Fido's?" he asked.
"Absolutely quite out of the ordinary. Never have seen anything like it in my life. It was a real bother to do so you know. Took me three and a quarter hours it did!" exclaimed Bilbop, eating a piece of cake.
"What in the 'ell are you talking about?" gasped the wizard, choking on the horrendous coffee-tea.
"Why, the preparations for my thirty-fourth birthday of course!" Bilbop said condescendingly, looking very disapproving, cake smeared across his face.
Graydalf gave up. It was not, of course, Bilbop's thirty-fourth birthday; rather it was his one hundred and eleventh. Suddenly, Graydalf began shaking and he felt very hyper. "BILBOP!" he screamed, his words all jittery, "is this stuff caffeinated?"
"Why of course. I made extra extra caffeinated just like you asked." Bilbop grabbed his bath towel and singing horribly stomped to the bathroom.
"Oh for the love of..." Graydalf said. Shaking considerably, he lay down for a snooze.