Pirates of the Caribbean Spoof, a pirates of the caribbean fanfic

PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN SPOOF

Written by Allison M. Sylte© and Sara B. Pease™

Character Descriptions:
WEATHERBY SWANN - It's obvious there is a change here. Weatherby is now constantly high and always "out of it"
JAMES NORRINGTON - Norrington is extremely egotistical and snooty (and sexy)
ELIZABETHSWANN - A whore. She has her smart moments, but is mostly completely stupid
WILL TURNER - at the moment he is weak and womanly (everyone mistakes him for a woman; or just calls him one just for the hell of it) note We're still debating on if he should be bisexual or not.
JACK SPARROW - Just Jack, basically. He's really kinda all over the place, just like Jack. Everyone who first meets him mistakes him for a transvestite.
BARBOSSA - nobody can get his name right...and he was once known as Lizzy Barboobies

SCENE 1

THE RANDOM BRITISH MEN FIND A RANDOM BRITISH SHE-MALE

Exterior Shot: Dusk

We begin with a shot of the ocean, shrouded in mist, with an air of mystery and suspense. Suddenly, a shadow of a large vessel appears, taking the shape of a British naval ship. We zoom in until we reach the deck of the ship, which is well kept and official. Standing on the deck are British naval officers (men… hot men… hot British men… with white grandma hair) and one young girl. RANDOM NAVAL DUDE looks out onto the sea with his little telescopy thing

RANDOM NAVAL DUDE

Go avass! I see nothing through the mist, my Lord.

WEATHERBY SWAN

That's a shame.

Commodore Norrington comes over to the two men. Is looking in the mirror.

NORRINGTON (snootily)

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

RANDOM NAVAL DUDE

I think it's just you, my Lord. You are a very attractive man.

WEATHERBY SWAN whacks RANDOM NAVAL DUDE in the head with his wig.

WEATHERBY SWAN

I think you've been around men for too long. Go find a woman… or an attractive sheep.

RANDOM NAVAL DUDE

But it's wrong to have women on a ship, my Lord.

ELIZABETH strides over, her blonde hair flowing in the wind, as she chews gum in a rather whorish manner.

ELIZABETH (seductively)

Hey daddy. Hey Norrington… you're looking mighty hot today.

NORRINGTON (snootily)

I know. It's a curse.

RANDOM NAVAL DUDE continues looking out to sea with his little telescopy thingy. Suddenly, he gets really excited.

RANDOM NAVAL DUDE (excitedly)

Look guys! It's a wrecked ship! There's a girl floating on it. Wait is that... I dunno.

ELIZABETH (grabs telescopey thingy)

That's not a girl! That's a young Orlando Bloom!

The HOT BRITISH NAVAL MEN pull the young boy (WILLIAM TURNER) to shore. He is wet and cold. The HOT BRITISH NAVAL MEN have worked up a sweat, as their muscles ripple under their sexy uniforms, and their grandma hair is slightly tussled. NORRINGTON officially strides over to WILLIAM TURNER and hands him a blanket. WILLIAM TURNER is a wimp and is laying on the ground shivering, all passed out and gay looking. ELIZABETH sees a medallion in his hand.

ELIZABETH (happy, and jumping up and down)

Here daddy! Look, a medallion! Can I keep it, since it's morally OK to steal from an unconscious person?

WEATHERBY SWAN (combing his hair, whilst he admires a picture of MS. Hall, his one true love, as he eats a Pizone)

Yeah, whatever baby,

ELIZABETH (Steals medallion and sticks in her bra)

YEA!!!

ELIZABETH looks into the distance and she sees a random ghost ship. Sighs.

ELIZABETH

Daddy really needs to start blowing his second hand smoke in another direction. I'm starting to see things too. Wheee!!

Scene ends with abrupt transition to the next…

SCENE 2

WILL TURNER MAY ACTUALLY BE STRAIGHT (AND IN TITANIC… JACK LIVES!)

Interior Shot: Morning

10 YEARS LATER!!!!!

ELIZABETH suddenly wakes up after a long and comfortable sleep in her well furnished room. Out the window, we see a beautiful Caribbean landscape. RANDOM PEOPLE are just chilling in her room, for no real reason, sorting her clothes and doing her laundry.

ELIZABETH (wiping her eyes)

What a weird dream. (looks around her room) what the hell are you people doing in my room?

RANDOM MAIDS shrug.

RANDOM MAIDS

I do not know. We're getting you ready for Commodore Norrington's thing. You know, the one where we honor his sexiness and give him a sword.

ELIZABETH (nodding)

Jolly good then. I was afraid you were pirates who were going to kidnap me or something.

RANDOM MAID (rolls eyes and shows her a corset)

Yeah, whatever. Wear this, bitch.

ELIZABETH

Okay.

INTERIOR SHOT: DAY

WILL TURNER enters the estate to be greeted by WEATHERBY SWAN. He is carrying a sword. WILL TURNER awkwardly glances around.

WEATHERBY SWAN

Oh William! You have the sword for Commodore Norrington's hotness party! Excellent. It's very pretty (plays with it and pokes himself)

WILL TURNER (Grabs sword)

If I may? (does a complicated series of twists and cool stuff… cuts off hand accidentally)

WEATHERBY SWAN

Excellent. I see that is quite sharp.

ELIZABETH limps down the stairs in her tight corset thing. See's Will (bleeding because he cut his hand off) and smiles.

ELIZABETH (flirtatiously)

Hi Willy. I had a dream about how we met last night.

WEATHERBY SWAN (with a mysterious thing you smoke in his hand)

Excellent.

WILL TURNER (smiling)

Really? I had a dream about you last night too. It was kind of about how we met… but a lot… well… dirtier.

ELIZABETH
Will, you truly have a way with women.

WEATHERBY SWAN

Now is not the time for that. We have to go to Norrington's hotness thing. Will… go away.

WILL TURNER (nodding, his hand having suddenly grown back)

Yes Governor, I will. Tee hee, a pun.

ELIZABETH

I don't get it.

WEATHERBY SWAN

Look… a birdy.

A REALLY TALL AND MUSCULAR BRITISH HENCHMAN throws WILL out of the window and into a carriage. The carriage drives away. We hear WILL making funny noises

FADE TO BLACK

EXTERIOR SHOT: DAY

JACK SPARROW is on a boat, sailing through the harbor. ROSE is sunbathing on the deck. Out of nowhere, the boat starts to sink.

JACK SPARROW (to ANNAMARIA)

Quick! We need to jump off or else we're going to go down with the current.

ROSE grabs his hand

ROSE (dramatically)

No Jack! I can't! I'm too scarred.

JACK (drunkenly, bustin' the JACK SPARROW thing)

But darling… we must! Do you trust me!

ROSE

Oh Jack! I love you!

They jump off the boat and into the ocean. We see the harbor and port in full view. They swim towards a random door that just sort of appears. JACK races ROSE to it and jumps on the door. There's plenty of room. ROSE tries to get on the door.

ROSE

Jack, let me on.

JACK

Hell no. There's no room. I love you babe, and I'll always remember you.

JACK begins to paddle the boat away. ROSE just stupidly sits there.

JACK

I love you! I'll always remember our love! And how I feel about you!

ROSE

Remember Jack! Always believe! I love you!

The door slowly drifts away. ROSE just kind of drowns. We cut to MULLORY and MURTOG on a watchtower, looking out at the scene on the sea. MURTOG is crying

MURTOG

It's so sad to see two lovers part in such a dramatic way. How valiantly Rose let Jack live and sacrificed herself for the name of love.

MULLORY (shrugs)

Dunno. They totally could've shared the door.

Cut to the Port

JACK comes to port on his door, arriving at the dock. He gets off.

DOCKSKEEPER

It's a shilling to park your ship here, sir. And your name too.

JACK (looking at the door, confused)

I don't mean to burst your bubble mate, but it's a door.

DOCKSKEEPER (nodding)

Yeah, I saw what went down over there. How your lover sacrificed herself so you could live, it was beautiful. But this is capitalism mate, and look… I can't just let you park here for free. See what I mean? If not, this would be a communist or worse, socialist society.

JACK (nodding, "My Heart Will Go On" Plays)

I suppose you're right. How about three shillings and no name?

JACK shoves three shiny shillings in the DOCKSKEEPER'S face and grins

DOCKSKEEPER

Welcome to Port Royal Paula Abdul.

JACK (nodding appreciatively)
Thank you, mate. Much love, much love.

Walks by and steals DOCKSKEEPER'S money.

SCENE 3

COMMODORE NORRINGTON'S SEXYTIME

EXTERIOR SHOT: Day

They are at the fort where there is a gathering of HOT BRITISH NAVAL OFFICERS and RANDOM BRITISH PEOPLE. There is a marching band gathered, as the drum major (DON EMMONS) shouts orders to the band as they form a tunnel for NORRINGTON to walk through

DONNIE

Detail, atten- hut!

BAND

Hut!

DONNIE

Mark time harch… forward MARCH!

All the BAND memebers walk forward and collide. Dazed, they lay on the ground as COMMODORE NORRINGTON just steps over them

NORRINGTON (snootily)

I'm too sexy for this nonsense.

Walks over to WEATHERBY, who hands him the sword. Does flippy tricks. Sun shines off of NORRINGTON'S uniform and sword, and reflects like a lightshow for the BAND, and RANDOM BRITISH PEOPLE.

WEATHERBY

Oh my God it's a rave! (does strange dances) Look honey! Look at the pretty lights!

ELIZABETH (sitting in corner, fanning herself as she whorishly chews gum) It's hot out and my corsets tight and I can't breath… and I'm having my period. Don't mess with me bitch. (Grabs RANDOM BRITISH DUDE) GO GET ME CHOCOLATE! AND A TAMPON! TAMPAX! GO! GOD DAMNIT! GO! (starts strangling orphans and kicking puppies)

NORRINGTON (smiles to himself)

She's so charming.

Goes back to JACK SPARROW

Exterior Shot: Day

JACK drunkenly wanders over to THE RALPHLESS, a beautiful(and extremely fat) boat docked and guarded by MULLORY and MURTOG.

MURTOG

Don't come near my dock, bitch.

MULLORY
Yeah girl, what are you bustin'? (Z-snap)

JACK
I just wanted to look at it. It's such a fat boat. It's strangely beautiful though. I like it and want to touch it. (looks at it with longing) Anyway, there seems to be something "bustin'" up there at the fort and you're just down here with your cute little guns checking out this fatass boat. What, are you not cool enough, not important enough?

MULLORY

Someone's gotta make sure that this boat stays safe and eats a lot and is fat.

MURTOG

That's a run on sentence, mate.

MULLORY

You annoy me.

MURTOG

No… you annoy me more.

JACK stealthily gets onto the boat as they argue

MURTOG

No… you annoy me more.

MULLORY

Oh Murtog! Kiss me you fool! I can't argue with you anymore! I love you mate!

MURTOG

Um… look mate… it's sort… of-

MULLORY (abrubtly changes subject)

Look! He got on the boat!

They run onto the boat, where JACK is standing at the captain's area longingly

JACK

This here is a fine boat. Seems kind of crappy compared to that boat over there. (points to the Intercourser)

MULLORY

That's not just any boat. That's the H.M.S Intercourser. It's the fastest and prettiest boat in the Carribean. It can endure the roughest waters whilst giving you a rather pleasurable ride. Sometimes you can get sick on it, but, you have to be un-experienced.

MURTOG

A virgin.

JACK

I can think of a boat faster than that. The White Pearl!

MULLORY and MURTOG laugh hysterically

MURTOG

The White Pearl! That's the slowest and least threatening boat in the Carribean!

MULLORY
It can't jump and it definitely can't rap. Can play hockey though, but that's just because the Black Pearl hasn't tried it.

JACK

Right… right… it's the Black Pearl that's the fast one.

MURTOG

The Black Pearl doesn't exist.

MULLORY

Not true. I saw a black ship once. It was big and black.

MURTOG

There are lots of black ships. They make up the Carribean national basketball team.

MULLORY

What? Do not.

MURTOG

Do too.

MULLORY

Do not.

MURTOG

Oh kiss me you fool!

MULLORY

What… hey wait, that idiots untying the boat.

JACK unties the boat whilst humming "Physical" by Olivia Newton John.

MURTOG

My Lord, that's a crappy song. Now, so we can arrest you, what's your name?

MULLORY
Yeah, tell us (shows him his guns)

JACK

Paula Abdul governor. Or P. Ab, if you like.

MULLORY

What's your purpose here in Port Royal, Mr. Paula Abdul?

JACK

I'm here to steal a ship and plunder and pillage stuff. I'm going to pick up a crew in Esponja, Jamuffa. I'm thinking of going to the Disney store in New York first. And then Victoria's Secret.

MURTOG

I said no lies.

MULLORY

I think he's telling the truth.

MURTOG

If he were telling the truth he wouldn't have told us.

CUTS BACK TO NORRINGTON'S HOTNESS PARTY

NORRINGTON and ELIZABETH are standing overlooking the beautiful ocean.

NORRINGTON (snootily)

You know… it's quite beautiful. But not as beautiful as me might I add, nor as beautiful as you. I've been thinking, and the two of us could make quite beautiful babies. What do you say Elizabeth? Marry me and let our kids win the genetic lottery?

ELIZABETH (totally igNORING NORRINGTON (teehee… pun) is practically dying because of the combined stress of her period, the tight corset, the hottess, and the lack of chocolate supply)

It's God! He's calling to me! I'm coming! I'm coming to the bright light! (steps off the ledge, and falls into the water)

NORRINGTON (confused and worried)

Elizabeth? Elizabeth? Oh my lord, she's fallen into the water.

NORRINGTON attempts to leap off the fort and into the water, GILLETE grabs him

GILLETE

No! My god, sir. I don't want to lose you! (hugs NORRINGTON)

NORRINGTON

Get off me. (shoves GILLETE aside and races down to the docks, followed by many different BRISTISH NAVAL MEN)

SCENE 4

JACK RESCUES ELIZABETH AND THEN… MAGICALLY… ESCAPES!

Exterior shot: Day

JACK is standing the boat with MULLORY and MURTOG

JACK (matter of factly)

And that's when they started touching me in strange places.

See's ELIZABETH fall off the ledge

MULLORY

Please continue. I want to hear more about your trip to the dentist.

MURTOG
Nope. Some broad has fallen into the water… again.

JACK
You guys gonna rescue her?

MULLORY

I can't swim.

MURTOG

I have ED.

JACK (takes off hat and clothes)

Guess I will then.

Suddenly, the medallion "Calls to them" and the water ripples, causing the wind to change its course… nobody really notices except for JACK (and, in the future, Jack Davenport thinks it's a slip in the film)

JACK

What the hell?

JACK, hands MULLORY his effects, then jumps into the water and rescues ELIZABETH. In the background, we see a shot of the Titanic. He tries to bring her to shore but her dress is too heavy. He tears it off and swims them to the dock. She isn't breathing.

MULLORY

Dude… she's dead! She's not breathing!

MURTOG

I never thought my ED would kill the governor's daughter.

JACK

Anyway…

Rips off her corset. She randomly starts breathing. Coughs up water and NEMO. MARLIN jumps out of the water.

MARLIN

Nemo! I found you! You bitch, you ate my son!

MULLARY (throws Marlin and Nemo back into the water)

Where the hell did you learn to do that?

JACK

Jamuffa.

NORRINGTON, meanwhile, is running down to save her. See's JACK and runs over whilst he unsheathes his gorgeous sword. JACK raises his arms.

JACK

Don't shoot!

NORRINGTON

On your feet, and away from my fiancée!

WEATHERBY SWAN (helps ELIZABETH up)

Are you alright?

ELIZABETH

I have good news and bad news. I almost died because I saw an apparition of God on the horizon, and was rescued by a creepy transvestite. Up until five minutes ago, I was wearing a corset, and I still haven't gotten my GOD DAMN CHOCOLATE!

WEATHERBY SWAN

What's the good news?

ELIZABETH
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

JACK

This is the 17th Century love, what the hell is car insurance?

ELIZABETH

Dunno. Just felt like sayin' it.

WEATHERBY SWANN looks over at the now torn corset, which is now in the hands of MURTOG, who is attempting to put it on himself. MUTOG quickly spots WEATHERBY SWANN and throws the corset at JACK.

JACK (muffled because of the corset covering his face)

Thanks mate…

WEATHERBY SWANN

Shoot him, and get that corset! I want to wear it. (laughs, all "high" like)

ELIZABETH

Father! Commodore, do you really intend on shooting this poor transvestite?! He just saved my life!

NORRINGON (annoyed)

(sighs) I suppose you're right. (offers his hand to shake) I believe thanks are in order.

JACK

First of all, I am not a transvestite, I'm a pirate, and second-

NORRINGTON

You're a pirate!?

JACK

Duh. God, I thought it was obvious. Here, look. (lifts his sleeve, revealing a burned in heart-shaped scar)

NORRINGTON

Ah, had a brush with the East India Trading Company, have we? Looks like Culter Beckett has had a piece of you. (quickly grabs JACK'S burned arm, and lifts his sleeve higher, revealing a sparrow with a pimp hat) Hmm, if it isn't Jack Sparrow.

JACK

Captain, Jack Sparrow mate. Captain.

WEATHERBY SWANN

Hang him! And make this movie end, NOW!

NORRINGTON (ignoring WEATHERBY SWANN)

Men, keep your guns on him. Gillette, fetch me some fuzzy hand- uh, I mean… irons. Now, Mr. Captain (sarcastically spoken), I don't see your ship.

JACK

Well, I had one. It randomly sank a couple scenes back, so I'm currently in the market.

MURTOG

He said he came here to steal one.

MULLORY

Yeah. These are his sir. (hands NORRINGTON Jack's effects.)

NORRINGTON

(examining Jack's effects) This gun has no additional shots nor powder. A compass that doesn't point north. Some used condoms… ew. (unsheathes Jack's sword) And I half expected it to be made of wood.

JACK

That's gross mate.

NORRINGTON (ignoring JACK)

You are without doubt the worst pirate I've ever heard of.

JACK

But you have heard of me. (Is being pulled to be put in chains)

ELIZABETH

Heeeeeey, don't be killin' him all up in here. Transvestite or not, this man just saved me from heaven. Wait…a second…

NORRINGTON

One good deed in not enough to redeem a man from a life of creepy-ness… amongst other things… (shudders)

JACK (being chained up by GILLETTE and listening to NORRINGTON)

HEY! Lets not go there mate!

NORRINGTON

Indeed.

GILLETTE

Alright, Commodore, sir, all set. (moves away from JACK, and stands next to NORRINGTON, admiring his presence)

ELIZABETH somehow ends up right next to JACK, glaring at NORRINGTON.

JACK

Finally!

JACK quickly throws his chains around ELIZABETH'S neck, and pulls her close. NORRINGTON and WEATHERBY SWANN step forward, worried. The HOT BRITISH MEN lift their guns and point them at JACK and ELIZABETH.

WEATHERBY SWANN (licking his hand)

No… Don't… Shoot…! Woo…ooo…oooo…ooooooo…o…o…o…ooo! (does strange dances)

JACK

I thought you would want to be close to me, love. I am Johnny Depp. Now, don't be shy Elizabeth, it is Elizabeth isn't it?

ELIZABETH (struggling to get free)

It's… Fifteen… shillings, hun!

JACK

Right, right… Commodore! If you would be so kind! My effects please!

NORRINGTON cautiously saunters over to JACK, handing him his effects and catching a quick glance of himself in JACK'S eyes. NORRINGTON thinks, "Damn, I am so fine". NORRINGTON, smirking, slowly walks back to join his fellow men.

JACK

Okay, love, I don't have 15 shillings on me…but if you would be so kind. I would do it myself, but my arms are a little tied up at the moment. (ELIZABETH straps on his sword, puts on his hat, etc.) Easy, I have a bruise on my leg. Ow! (starts to cry)

ELIZABETH

You're more girly than Will Turner.

JACK

Sticks and stones, love. I saved your life, you save mine, we're a straight triangular square. Gentlemen, m'lady, you will always remember this as the day that you almost caught Captain Paula Abdul!

JACK pushes ELIZABETH away and magically evaporates, after a few seconds he reappears on a beam above the HOT BRITISH MEN'S heads.

JACK

I mean Captain Jack Sparrow!

WEATHERBY SWANN

Wheeee! I wish I could do that… Shoot him! Then when you kill him, insert his brain into my head! Do what I say!! I'm the governor!

NORRINGTON

Open fire!

BRITISH MEN shoot at JACK, using like a million bullets. JACK somehow isn't hit by any of the bullets (it must be magic, like the matrix…either that or the Royal Navy is worthless…) and uses his handcuffs to slide down a rope. Once on the ground, JACK runs across the Golden Gate Bridge, ending up in San Francisco where he is randomly warped back to Port Royal.

NORRINGTON

Gillette, Mr. Sparrow has a dawn appointment with the gallows. I would hate for him to miss it. Go find him, and take a map… I hear San Francisco can be difficult to navigate around. God, I'm so hot when I'm angry!

GILLETTE (staring at NORRINGTON, passionately)

Yes my master, I will, and you are.

BRITISH MEN chase after JACK.

SCENE 5

SISSY SLAPPED! WHY WILL TURNER IS EQIVILANT TO CARMELO ANTHONY (JUST HOTTER, MUCH, MUCH, HOTTER… AND LESS GAY O-o… WITH A SWORD DROOLS…:D EMOTICON:O)

Interior Shot: Day; afternoon

JACK, running from the BRITISH MEN, enters WILL TURNER'S smith shop, after grabbing an old, rusty sword from a nearby statue of a pot leaf. He notices a drunk, ugly, MR. BROWN sleeping in the corner. MR. BROWN is holding an empty rum bottle and his 17th Century iPod Video, which is playing "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne. JACK saunters over to the sleeping man and pokes him to see if he'll awaken. Nothing happens.

JACK

WOAH!

MR. BROWN (mumbles in his sleep)

Hey. Hey… you… you…

JACK tries to get rid of the handcuffs with a hammer but it doesn't work; leaves hammer lying there. He spots an odd looking wooden machine, that somehow looks like it could break iron, and decides to try it on the handcuffs. JACK uses a red hot sewing needle to spur the bald eagle that powers the machine. After a loud skawk from the eagle, the machine begins to move and JACK succeeds in breaking the irons. WILL TURNER soon enters the shop crying, after being made fun of by the local teens, and old men.

WILL (grabs a gun and shoots the bald eagle, then spots MR. BROWN; whose iPod is now playing "Rocket Man" by Elton John) Right where I left you. Drunk again, I see. Ah, and it looks like you have been reading my secret stash of Playboy: the 17th Century Edition. Brilliant. (looks over and notices the hammer is out of place) Not where I left you…

WILL reaches for JACK'S hat (that randomly appears near the hammer). JACK, from under the obviously placed upturned chair, then thrusts his sword at WILL. The sword misses and stabs the already dead bald eagle.

JACK (stands up)

Guess we both broke the law.

WILL

You! You're the one everyone is obsessing over! Wait, but you're but a humble transvestite.

JACK

I'm a pirate mate… You seem somewhat familiar, have I threatened you before?

WILL

No, bitch!

JACK

Right, so if you'll excuse me, I'll just be on my way and-

JACK turns from WILL and begins to walk towards the door. WILL quickly grabs his own sword and points it at JACK, who is roughly 15ft away.

JACK

Are you sure this is wise, mate? (slowly turns back to face WILL) You know, us pirates can be quite cunning and swift at times. Sometimes we can be awfully drunk, as well. That's usually when things get interesting… ya' know, like when a drunk guy walks into a bar, and there are more drunk guys, and-

WILL (acting all tough)

You threatened Ms. Swann, you bastard!

JACK

Yeah, but I didn't kill her mate.

WILL, angrily, lunges forward his sword pointed outward towards JACK. JACK takes a quick sidestep and WILL rams himself into the door.

JACK

Nice footwork, but how is your form?

WILL does a quick plié and flips over JACK'S head. They cross swords, and the fangirls go wild. JACK then kicks WILL in the nuts, drops his sword, and then runs to the door. WILL, who is sporting an athletic cup, is un-injured and thrusts his sword at the door, locking it.

JACK (attempting to remove the stuck sword, turns to face WILL))

Nice trick, I especially liked the part where the rabbit came out of the hat. I like magic, but I just remembered, I'm trying to escapé. Lucky for me though, you have no weapon, ya' woman.

WILL ignores JACK and grabs a sword, fresh from the oven. It's red and glowing and stuff, like a lightsaber, but not. They begin the big battle scene, of scene 5. JACK twirls and spins, WILL flips and dives. Swords clash, sparks fly, eagles decay, and drunken old men listen to their iPod. Both are now fighting in an area surrounded by swords.

JACK

Who makes all these things?

WILL

I do! And I practice with them all the time.

JACK

No, mate, the swords not those things.

WILL

Oh, well I make all those too. And, yeah, I practice with them… rarely though.

JACK

Oh, it shows. You need to find yourself a girl mate, or perhaps the reason you don't practice three hours a day is that you already found one, ya' stalker.

WILL

I do not stalk Ms. Swann! I just watch her when she's sleeping is all.

JACK

Ah, so there is a woman you're after… poor girl.

WILL

DIE, YOU HOMO!

WILL, like a god, floats upward and lands on the rafters above. JACK uses the force and follows. They fight again, flaunting their british-ness, the fangirls scream and cry for their beloved men. WILL then punches JACK, not really that hard, and JACK falls back, squealing. WILL, like a giant bear, leaps off the rafter towards JACK. JACK immediately spins out of the way and WILL lands on the ground with a thump. JACK then grabs some sand and rubs it in WILL'S eyes. While WILL screams in pain for a while, JACK pulls out his gun and points it at WILL'S head.

WILL (crying)

You frikin' cheater! That's not fair!

JACK

Look mate, I'm a pirate.

Both turn at the sound of sexy British feet pounding on the door

JACK

Get your slimy, womanly, ass out of my way.

WILL

No, and I'm not a woman!

JACK

Please move?

WILL

No, I will not just let you go, all willy nilly like that.

JACK

Mate. I swear to God. If you do not move I'll ram this gun right up your-

MR. BROWN, now awake but still drunk, and listening to "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake, hits JACK over the head with his empty rum bottle. JACK then falls down, unconscious. The BRITISH MEN then break in, NORRINGTON right behind them.

NORRINGTON

Ah, excellent work Mr. B.

MR. BROWN (singing)

Can you feel the love tonight? It is in the airrrrrr!!

NORRINGTON (snootily)

Um… sure… anyway… (looks back at JACK) Hmph, now we can always remember this as the day Emperor Jack Sparrow almost escaped. Uh, Captain, I mean. Gillete, stop touching me and take Mr. Sparrow away.

Scene 6

The Perfect Couple, and Port Royal's Gonna Get Raped.

Interior shot: Night

JACK is in a small, confined dungeon like thing. In the cell next to him, the inmates are whistling, and holding out a bag of popcorn, for the dog holding the keys. JACK is beginning to get a little pissed off at them and their whistling.

JACK

Shut the bloody hell up! It's not going to work, obviously!

PRISONERS

Oh, excuse us madam. Wait… you're no transvestite… you're a pirate. Well, excuse us Mr. Pirate. We're not ready to die just yet.

CUTS TO ELIZABETH IN THE GOVENERS MANTION; ELIZABETH'S ROOM

Interior shot: Night (roughly 10:00pm)

ELIZABETH is resting in her bed, after a long day of pirates, etc. Her maid, ESTRELLA, is there too. ESTRELLA is standing over the fire, muttering strange things, and tossing random objects in the fire. She soon stops and turns around, a bed warmer in her hands.

ESTRELLA

There ya' go miss. It's all warm and stuff… perfect for menstrual cramps. (places the bed warmer between the sheets of the bed) It's been a difficult day for you, I'm sure.

ELIZABETH

I knowwwwww! It was like… all swish, and boom, and arrrrggg!! (waves her arms wildly in the air) I guess I suspected Commodore Norrington to propose… wait, no I didn't. Well, anyway, I must admit, I wasn't expecting anything to happen today. God, I'm still wanting chocolate.

ESTRELLA

Well, I meant you being attack by that tranny. Sounds horrific! And that chocolates going to go right to your thighs miss.

ELIZABETH

He was a pirate Estrella. Please, me attacked by a transvestite! (laughs and then sighs) I suppose it was terrifying though.

ESTRELLA

Ah, but that egotistical little bastard Commodore Norrington proposed? Fancy that, now that's a smart match miss, considering you're an idiot and he's all powerful. You'll never get in the way of his plans for world domination. (she cackles) You'll be too busy making money on the streets!

ELIZABETH

It is a smart match. We would make the perfect couple… and damn, is he fine! (sighs) He's what any woman, mainly Sara Pease, should dream of marrying… but dude, you're a bitch.

ESTRELLA

I know, it's a curse! Hm, but that Will Turner. You two would be perfect together as well. You would be the dominant one… and we would have nothing to worry about.

ELIZABETH

Will? James? Will? James?! God damnit Estrella! Go away! You have successfully confused me!

ESTRELLA

Pardon me, Ms. P.M.S.! Jeez, if you weren't my employer, ah, the things I would do to you… (leaves, mumbling angrily)

ELIZABETH

…James…? …Will…? Ugh… damn this curse they call beauty… (smiles faintly and closes her eyes)

Meanwhile, we go back to Will Turner, who happens to have a bloody nose.

WILL (crying, and trying to stop the bleeding)

Wahhhhh! Somebody must have been talking about me again!!

WILL, after successfully stopping the bleeding, then goes back to his work of mummifying the eagle, and making more pointless swords. He abruptly stops and stands up, then looks out the window at the deserted street.

CUTS TO WEATHERBY AND NORRINGTON ON THE TOP OF THE FORT

Exterior shot: Night

WEATHERBY SWANN and NORRINGTON are walking on top of the fort, talking about random crap… and ELIZABETH, oh juicy!

WEATHERBY (singing)

Elizabeth is my daughter!! Muhoo Haa aah! You wanna marry her! The Commodore wants her to- (coughs) his- (coughs again). But she hasn't really talked to him yet! All she did was yell at him, basically.

NORRINGTON

You're an annoying twat, you know that?

WEATHERBY

(covers his face with his hands) I can't hear you!

NORRINGTON

Anyway, you're right about one thing. She hasn't answered me yet. God, I want to have her child!

WEAHTERBY

(notices random smoke clouds starting to cover the moon) Well, ya' know James-ie she has had a pretty trying day. Gah, now I can't see the moon! Damn pink sheep! Get out of the way!

NORRINGTON stares at WEATHERBY with a confused look on his face. He then rolls his eyes and then looks out to sea. There is a low sounding "boom" coming from the distance.

WEATHERBY

Eh, heh heh heh… look big iron balls. (points at an incoming canon)

NORRINGTON

Canon fire!

NORRINGTON quickly tackles WEATHERBY to the ground. It's kinda a creepy scene…:/

NORRINGTON (shouting snootily)

Return fire, you un-sexy baboons! Do not let a single thing of debris touch my newly clean uniform! I am the Commodore! Do what I say!

CUTS BACK TO JACK IN THE JAIL

Interior shot: Night; late

JACK

I know those guns! (creeps over to the little window and looks outward) It's the Pearl.

PRISONER

The Black Pearl!? Like, no way! I've got some major gossip about that boat.

OTHER PRISONERS

Like, oh my god! Tell us Cindy!! Spill it!! Oh em gee!

CINDY

Okay, okay… The Black Pearl -also known as Shiniqqquwa- has been, like, preying on ships and settlements for near ten years now.

OTHER PRISONERS

Oh my god, oh my god! She hasn't…?! No, not, Shiniqqquwa. Oh my, like, god!

CINDY

Yeah, she never leaves, like, any survivors. Isn't that right Sir Elton?!

SIR ELTON JOHN

You know it.

JACK

…

CINDY

So yeah, isn't that juicy?!

JACK

Hey Cindy, give me a S-H-U-T-T-H-E-H-E-L-L-U-P!

CINDY

Ready, okay! S-H-U-T-U… uh… Yay team. Win state!

JACK quickly throws the bone at CINDY'S head, knocking her unconscious. Meanwhile the Black Pearl's guns are destroying things and other pirates are coming ashore. WILL grabs a sword and wrench, and then heads outside towards the smelly pirates. A woman begins to scream at the site of him, he quickly kills her and the pirate behind her.

NORRINGTON (shouting)

DO STUFF! And don't stop doing stuff!

BRITISH MAN

You eard' im' men. Don't stop doin' stuff!

NORRINGTON (still shouting)

Shoot em' down. Leave no survivors! Vote them off this island! Now! Let these demons both bite at this fish lure!

British canons are then fired towards the Black Pearl. NORRINGTON walks up to WEATHERBY whose dancing to the sounds of the canons.

WEATHERBY

Boom, boom, boom, boom! I want you in MY room!

NORRINGTON

Governor, barricade yourself in my office… (blinks; camera closes in on handsome face) not your room. (blinks as a canon hits the fort) That's an order! (flutters eyelashes)

WEATHERBY

Excellent.

BACK TO THE GOVERNORS MANTION

ELIZABETH is awoken at the sound of canon fire and races downstairs. (the medallion still around her neck) The doorbell rings and LURCH, the butler, heads towards the door. Elizabeth is halfway down when she tries to stop him from opening the door.

ELIZABETH (shouting to LURCH)

Don't do it man!

LURCH opens the door, ignoring ELIZABETH'S warning.

PINTEL

Ello, chum!

PINTEL points his gun up at LURCH and fires, killing him instantly. LURCH falls back causing the house to shake.

RANDOM MAID

Earthquake!

ELIZABETH screams and then runs back upstairs. Pirates begin to swarm into the house, close up on PINTEL and REGETTI.

PINTEL

(points to the retreating ELIZABETH) Up there!

ELIZABETH, who is now out of breath and wanting to reach for one of her fathers "secret items", grabs ESTRELLA and forces her to help lock the chamber door with a menorah.

ESTRELLA (drunk)

What cha' doin' ya puke?

ELIZABETH

P-pirates!

ESTRELLA

Ah, they must be afta' yous then.

ELIZABETH

Say wha'?

ESTRELLA

You're the number one prostitute in all of Kazakhstan… and Port Royal. (burps and smiles)

ELIZABETH (glares angrily at ESTRELLA)

…Go hide somewhere, bitch.

As the pirates break through the door ELIZABETH distracts their attention by smacking REGETTI in the face with spaghetti (Hee hee… it rhymes). ESTREELA screams and jumps out the window, never to be seen again in any of the other movies. ELIZABETH is still fighting with RAGETTI.

RAGETTI

Gotcha!

ELIZABETH quickly shoves a meatball in RAGETTI'S eye, causing him to scream in pain, she runs.

RAGETTI

Oh my god! It's hot! Me eye… hey, wait a sec…

PINTEL (to RAGETTI)

Come on!

ESTRELLA is assumed dead; ELIZABETH is cornered on the stairs and while pirates are distracted by one of their own being taken out by a cannon she runs away; PINTEL and RAGETTI are stopped by a falling fresh water fish and ELIZABETH locks yet another door. She then tries to get a sword of a randomly placed crack pipe, but is unable. ELIZABETH then looks for a good hiding place. She spots a small dish and grabs it, then brings it up to cover only her face. PINTEL and RAGETTI break down the door and walk in.

PINTEL

We know you're here, Poppet.

RAGETTI (laughs)

Hee hee… yeah ya' puppet.

PINTEL

No, you see, that's not it. It's poppet. Say it with me now… Pop-pet.

RAGETTI

Screw you…

PINTEL

Moron. Now come on out poppet, we promise we wont urt' you.

Confused, RAGETTI looks over at PENTEL who only smiles

RAGETTI

I thought we were gonna hurt her! You said we were! God, now I don't even want to be a pirate anymore!

PINTEL

(kicks RAGETTI, hard) Listen chick, we don't have all day. Just give us the damn coin already. (points gun at ELIZABETH'S "hidden" face)

ELIZABETH

(lowers the dish) Parsley!

RAGETTI

Say huh?

ELIZABETH

Parsley. I invoke the right of parsley. According to the code of The Spices of the Caribbean, set down by the pirates Siegfried and Roy, you have to take me to your captaaaaain! Hey hey hey. (spoken in a manly feminine voice; waves her hand, all gay like) If an adversary demands parsley you can do them no harm until the parsley is eaten.

RAGETTI

Say huh?

ELIZABETH

Just bring me to your captain.

PINTEL

I'll bring you too our captain, but honey, you're gonna have to go without a fuss, alright? (spoken like a true black women)

ELIZABETH

Uh, yeah.

CUTS BACK TO WILL FIGHTING IN THE STREETS

Exterior shot: Night

WILL is fighting a creepy pirate named GROPEY (GRAPPLE in the original Pirates) in the streets of Port Royal; everyone around them is doing a traditional Jewish dance.

BACKGROUND PEOPLE (EXTRAS)

La la, la la la la la. La la la la la… (Jewish theme)

GROPEY

(holding WILL, passionately) Say goodbye…

A large sign falls and smashes GROPEY through a nearby window.

WILL

Good day! (smacks himself) I mean goodbye… god, goodbye… Idiot Will, idiot…

PINTEL (to ELIZABETH)

Let's go…

ELIZABETH (spots WILL)

Woman…

WILL

(spots ELIZABETH, and is then hit in the head… faints)

FADE TO BLACK

SCENE 7

The Fat Dog Viciously Tears Away Jack's Hopes… and… Elizabeth may have an IQ

Interior Shot: Night

JACK is sitting in his cell, twiddling his thumbs as SIR ELTON JOHN gazes at him seductively from the other cell. Suddenly, an explosion is heard, and the wall crumbles apart revealing a hole for SIR ELTON JOHN, CINDY, and THE OTHER PRISONERS to escape, but JACK is left in his cell.

SIR ELTON JOHN

Good bye Jack. I shall miss you, but like the candle in the wind, I must fade away.

JACK

Someone else sang that song, mate.

SIR ELTON JOHN

I shall never stop loving you. For, it's a little bit funny, this feeling inside, I'm not one of those who can easily hide. Perhaps, someday, I'll buy a big house where we both can live, but if I were a sculptor… but then again, no… or a man who makes potions in a traveling show…

JACK

Blimey mate, what the hell are you saying?

SIR ELTON JOHN (shrugs)

I wrote it about a girl I met once. Or at least, that's what I said at the time. Now that I think about it, it's a bit of a stretch. Maybe that's why it doesn't make sense…

JACK

Come on then, get out of this cell already, unless you have more to say.

SIR ELTON JOHN

I don't know if I mentioned this, but I am a single British knight.

JACK

Get out mate, before you fester here for eternity.

SIR ELTON JOHN jumps out of the window and into the night. JACK watches him leave, and then, gazes around the cell with a renewed sense of purpose

JACK
Well alright then. Good bloke, creepy, but… what can a man do? Now, about getting out of this ruddy cell and back to my ship…

see's SIZEMORE, a large, fat, lazy black lab sitting on the floor

with the keys in his mouth, he lays on the ground, looking dead.

JACK

This should be simple then. Come here doggy, come here. Give me that key!

SIZEMORE lays on the ground, looking dead and lazy, and wags his tail once as he moans and stretches out for more comfort.

JACK

Now come on then mate, come on! Give little Jacky his ruddy key!

SIZEMORE groans and farts, raising his head to give JACK a blank look.

JACK

Come on then doggy… do you want some dinner mate? A nice big bone!

SIZEMORE'S ears perk up at the mention of dinner, but otherwise, he just sits and stares aimlessly into space.

JACK

Well alright then, that option in my life is kaput. Nothing more to do now than to wait.

JACK sits and twiddles his thumbs. Suddenly, TWIG and KOEHLER enter the prison and see JACK sitting in his cell twiddling his thumbs.

TWIG

Captain BarStool said that this was a frickin' Victoria's Secret. I ain't seeing no hot women.

KOEHLER

Look twig! It's Jack Sparrow, sitting dead on the ground.

JACK

Aye mate. Wouldn't fancy getting me out of here, would you?

TWIG

Ha, no. We mutinied your ass bitch.

KOEHLER and TWIG Z-snap. SIZEMORES comes over to them and grunts as they scratch his ears. He lays on the ground, all fat and cute.

TWIG

Besides, the last night I saw you, you were sitting alone on some island, starving, alone.

JACK

That's what she said.

KOEHLER

What who said?

TWIG

Yeah mate, no lies.

JACK

That's what she said.

KOEHLER (frustrated)

What who said?

JACK
That's what she said.

TWIG

Who?

JACK

See mate, this is an attempt to, since you aren't helping me, and clearly this isn't the place that you intended to be at, get you two to leave and go about what you want, whilst I sit here alone in my cell, contemplating morality.

KOEHLER

But who is this mysterious she?

JACK

Did you listen at all mate?

KOEHLER and TWIG (together)

No.

JACK

That's what she said.

KOEHLER

There's a woman here Twig. I can feel it. Good bye Jack, enjoy the prison.

JACK

Sometimes, I feel like I'm not the drunken pirate, and that all people are pawns in my greater game (sighs, and grabs rum from the next cell) Oh well, can't fix that then. (takes a swig of rum) Fancy helping me out, Sizemore, you fat, lazy, stupid cow of a dog who's incapable of doing anything else with your life?

SIZEMORE stares blankly at the wall

Cut to ELIZABETH on a row boat going towards the Black Pearl

PIRATE ROWING BOAT

Can't we just kill her and get the damn thing over with?

PINTEL

No… she invoked parlay. That bitch.

ELIZABETH

You should be kinder to a hot woman.

PINTEL

I forgot about that. Well, not much I can do…

ELIZABETH (seductively rubs his shoulder)

There's plenty if you play your cards right. Now then, take me to the captain.

ELIZABETH and COMPANY gets on the boat to be greated by Captain Barbossa

BARBOSSA

Hello poppet. I'm captain Barbossa, the head of the Black Pearl. I hear you've invoked Parlay!

ELIZABETH

This is true. For I have something you may want (reaches into her bra)

BARBOSSA (sweating and the rest of the men look at each other excitedly)

Well then, bring it out, by all means.

ELIZABETH (pulls out gold coin, men groan disappointedly)

Here… I knew you were looking for it. I saw your boat years ago.

BARBOSSA inspects the coin.

BARBOSSA

Blimey, how did you find this? Didn't steal it did you?

ELIZABETH

It doesn't count as stealing if he's unconscious.

BARBOSSA

Oh right then.

ELIZABETH

Well crunchitize me captain.

BARBOSSA

Maybe I will.

ELIZABETH

So you'll let me go?

BARBOSSA

Hell no. I intend to take you down to my quarter and passionately sing you songs by my dear friend Sir Elton John. Then, I will take you to a drunken Twig, who will be waiting with a cactus and a crochet mallet…

ELIZABETH (walks to the edge of the ship)

Well in that case then, you wouldn't mind if I just drop this…

BARBOSSA
Aye, point well taken. What is your name?

ELIZABETH

Elizabeth. Elizabeth Turner.

Pirates glance at each other excitedly.

BARBOSSA
Turner is it? I'll make you a deal. Stay with us until we drop our coins off at the island, and I will quit attacking your beloved Port Royal. Then, I will return you home in one piece.

ELIZABETH

Fair enough.

BARBOSSA

Welcome abroad the Black Pearl, Ms. Turner.

ELIZABETH

Has a nice ring to it, eh? Better than Elizabeth Norrington, too many syllables.

BARBOSSA

Well, it would sound alright if you go by Liz or Lizzy if you will. That's what they called me when I was a kid… Lizzy Barboobies. I was the toughest pirate on the playground…

Fade to Black.

SCENE 8

To Save the White Bitch…

Exterior shot: Day

WILL is laying on the ground surrounded by chickens. WILL is groaning and mumbling in his sleep.

WILL

I will NOT go to soccer practice in the mountains…

WILL suddenly wakes up, startled.

WILL

Shoot! What happened last night? My head is throbbing… I didn't have that much rum…

It all comes to back to him.

WILL

ELIZABETH!!!!

Runs to random naval par-tay area.

Exterior Shot: Day

NORRINGTON, GILLETTE, and WEATHERBY (along with VARIOUS NAVAL DUDES) standing around a map looking official. It's actually a little maze for kids.

NORRINGTON

Dammit Gillette! Turn right! Turn right!

WEATHERBY

No Gillette! It's a dead end! Left! Come on then!

GILLETTE

I'm so confused right now!

GILLETE angrily stabs his sword into the map. They reach the end of the maze miraculous. All of the men high five. WILL comes running over.

WILL (with urgency)

They've taken Elizabeth! They've taken her!

NORRINGTON (officially and snootily)

Mr. Murtog! Remove this man! I can not come up with my brilliant military strategies with her… him… in the premises.

WEATHERBY and GILLETTE giggle.

WILL

We must hunt those pirates down, and save her.

NORRINGTON

Mr. Turner, are you a military man?

WILL

Only in your fantasies, commodore.

NORRINGTON

Well then, my fantasies aside then Will (NORRINGTON grabs WILL all evil and hot) Look Mr. Turner… I too care about Elizabeth… and I will save her.

WILL

Yeah… but I can save her better.

NORRINGTON (snootily points noise at the air)

I won't stoop to your level of insolence.

WILL strides away purposefully. NORRINGTON comes back to GILLETTE and WEATHERBY.

NORRINGTON (sticks his tongue out at WILL, turns back to WEATHERBY and GILLETTE)

I have a new issue of Highlights magazine here. There should be some mad mazes here.

WEATHERBY

High-lights? Sounds like my kind of magazine.

GILLETTE

What about Elizabeth?

NORRINGTON

I love her! And I shall take my big boat and find her if it's the last thing I do!

WEATHERBY

Wait… Elizabeth's gone?

Cut to WILL AND JACK in the prison. SIZEMORE is on the floor, still starring at the wall.

JACK

Leave me alone in my misery mate.

WILL

You know this Shiniqqquwa chick, yes?

JACK

You mean the Pearl.

WILL

Yeah, so she's white… but do you know her?

JACK

It's a boat mate…

WILL

Petty things aside… I need your help to find my lover.

JACK

What, turning pirate on me? You sissy little woman? Might not cut it in the dog eats dog world of men, or is that why? Does it turn you on-

WILL (sort of like Cameron)

I'm NOT GAY!!!

JACK
Alright then. If you need to talk…

WILL

Difference aside… about this so-called "ship"… where can I find it? Where does it make berth?

JACK

Haven't you heard… on the Isle del Clarinente, you can't find it unless you know where it is. Lizzy Barboobies knows where it is.

WILL
Don't call my Elizabeth that you pig!

JACK

No, no. That's the name of the captain. Captain Bar… boy.

WILL

Well then… this "Captain Bar-boy" knows where it is. You must too.

JACK

Of course I do. I'm a frickin' genius. But that aside, I'm not helping, 'cause there's nothing in it for me.

WILL

I can get you out of here.

JACK

No you can't. Liar.

WILL

Sure. The doors been open the whole time.

JACK steps outside.

JACK

What's your name, child?

WILL

William Turner.

JACK

Undoubtedly after your father, I presume.

WILL

You knew my daddy?

JACK

Well then… since you have so courageously gotten me out of this cell, I'll help you find your lova'.

WILL

Alright then.

JACK

Whoa-hoe. I ain't leavin' 'til I have my gun an' shit.

WILL

You call me a woman? Always needing to accessorize…

FADE TO BLACK

SCENE 9

Stealin' The Fat Ship

Exterior Shot: Day

JACK and WILL are standing on the beach looking at the H.M.S. Ralphless. JACK is clearly deep in thought.

JACK

So tell me mate, how much do you love your woman?

WILL

With a passion of a thousand burning white suns!

JACK

You should hang out with Sir Elton John sometime mate, something tells me you'll get along.

WILL (Like Cameron)

I'm not GAY!!!!!

JACK

Well anyway, now that I know you "love this woman" I'll tell you this. We're commandeering a ship.

WILL (points to the Ralphless)

That ship?

JACK

No mate, the Intercourser. But…

Cut to JACK and WILL underwater in full scuba gear going in direction of the Ralphless.

WILL (talking through scuba mask, blowing bubbles)

Jaaaaccckkk… amdfdkakjd.

JACK (talking underwater)

Just keep swimming… dumb fuck.

JACK and WILL reach the Ralphless and get out of the water and onto the ship. They throw their scuba gear into the water. JACK and WILL draw their swords once they reach to the deck, which is bustling with hot BRITISH NAVAL MEN and GILLETTE

JACK

Hello, my name is Captain Jack Sparrow, and I will be commandeering your ship today.

WILL

Ay… avass!

GILLETTE (laughing hysterically with HOT BRITISH NAVAL MEN)

You can't do that! Two men can't drive this ship! That's just dirty and wrong.

JACK (points a gun in GILLETTE'S face)

See… I'm Jack Sparrow, bitch.

WILL

Yeah, he's Jack Sparrow, bitch.

JACK

No mate… just… no. Anyways, you all should jump off this boat unless we take it by force.

GILLETTE and the HOT BRITISH NAVAL men shrug and get off the boat. GILLETTE and the HOT BRITISH NAVAL MEN are in a little life boat, and GILLETTE calls NORRINGTON on his cell phone.

GILLETTE

Hey Norry… where you at?

NORRINGTON

I'm sick of your childish games Gillette. Where are you and where is my Ralphless?

GILLETTE

Jack Sparrow and that Will Turner are commandeering the ship!

NORRINGTON (snootily)

You can't be serious. Oh, alright then, let's take the Intercourser over and we'll take a look.

Cut to NORRINGTON and HOT BRITISH NAVAL MEN on the Intercourser as it pulls up alongside the Ralphless. NORRINGTON and all of the HOT BRITISH NAVAL MEN get off the boat and go to the Ralphless. NORRINGTON snootily glances along.

NORRINGTON

William, Jack, where the hell are you? You seriously can't take this boat all by yourselves…

NORRINGTON see's his reflection in the window and begins admiring himself. Behind him, you can see WILL and JACK escaping the Ralphless and boarding the Intercourser.

NORRINGTON

You know… I am a beautiful man. Jack Sparrow, you suck. You're the worst pirate I've ever seen.

The HOT BRITISH NAVAL MEN run over to NORRINGTON as the Intercourser sails away.

HOT BRITISH NAVAL MAN

They took the ship! They took the H.M.S. Intercourser!

NORRINGTON
They can't have…

NORRINGTON turns around and see's the Intercourser sail away. Cut to JACK and WILL pirating the Intercourser. They run over GILLETTE in his little sail boat. They leave the harbor. Cut to NORRINGTON and HOT BRITISH NAVAL MEN on the Ralphless.

HOT BRITISH NAVAL MAN

That guy is the best pirate I've ever seen!

NORRINGTON (snootily, still gazing at his reflection)
So it may seem. Quick retards! Move this ship!

HOT BRITISH NAVAL MAN

Can't… he screwed up the ship.

NORRINGTON cries.

SCENE 10

A World with NO INTERNET ACCESS! And ESPONJA!

Exterior Shot: Day

WILL and JACK are on their boat gazing at the sea. JACK is sitting on the lap top checking his myspace. WILL is driving the boat.

WILL

You know… when I was a kid, my mom took care of me, because my dad was off at sea all the time… an honest business man he was…

JACK

Ha, yeah right kid, you're dad was a pirate.

WILL (whiny)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! He wasn't a pirate! He was a good man!

JACK

That's what you think. Ha, the stories I could tell you. But, if you're a pirate, you can be a new man too… look, a new friend request!

WILL

Oh that's me… since we're on this ship together… we could be myspace buddies! Put me on your top eight! You're on mine!

JACK

Ha no.

JACK hits the deny button.

JACK

Anyway kid, we have to go to Esponja to get ourselves a crew. That way we can find the Pearl and your hot piece of lass.

WILL

Why didn't you accept me as a friend? Do you hate me?

JACK
Oh well.

JACK starts clicking stuff and getting excited.

WILL

What are you looking at… porn? I like porn. Once… I wrote this Harry Potter fanfic where Malfoy and Harry spend a passionate evening-

JACK

No… no… nothing like that mate. The only thing I need is Palmala Anderson. Especially since I'm on a boat with you.

WILL (revolted)

Are you pirating music?! And movies?!

JACK

I'm a pirate mate.

WILL
You're robbing the industries of film and music! You should be ashamed of yourself…

JACK
Ok… ok… here, I'll mapquest Esponja right now, Ok? I have a good idea of where it is, but you know… I could use a refresher. Where's our starting location?

WILL
Dunno.

JACK

Al-righty then.

JACK types in the information on mapquest.

JACK

Hmm… we should avoid highways.

WILL
It's alright… this isn't LA, the drivers here are OK.

Suddenly, an EVIL HYUNDAI SANTA FE comes ZOOMING across the ocean and cuts off the ship.

WILL

What the fuck! You stupid whore! It cut me off.

JACK
Santa Fe! (points angrily in it's direction)

JACK and WILL reach Esponja. The SANTA FE is parked in the parking lot next to the Intercourser.

WILL

I swear… I'm gonna get you some day you stupid SANTA FE!!!

JACK

Sante Fe! Never mind that boy, we have more important things to do! Like getting a crew here!

A bunch of hookers come in JACK'S direction including NIKI and HANNAH (evil bitch)

EVIL BITCH (slaps JACK in the face)

That's for the traffic cones.

NIKI (slaps JACK in the face)

I hate you. Take me to Starbucks. Give me money, you nerd fuck.

JACK

I didn't deserve that.

SCENE 11

They

WILL and JACK go to a pig pen where GIBBS is sleeping. JACK throws acid at a his face and a drunken GIBBS wakes up suddenly.

GIBBS
What the hell- JACK SPARROW WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!?!?!?!?

JACK

I'm just here looking for a crew. You should join.

GIBBS

You come back here and you just demand me to join your frickin' crew and act like it's all OK! It's not OK Jack Sparrow! It's not! You broke my heart Jack Sparrow!

JACK

Um… Gibbs… let me introduce you to Will Turner… I think you'll get along real well, mate. Savvy?

WILL (like Cameron)

I'm not GAY!

GIBBS

What… neither am I!

WILL

But you said-

GIBBS (to Jack)

Why didn't you write to me? (like from the Notebook)

JACK
I wrote to you everyday for the last year.

WILL
Gibbs… will you join our crew?

GIBBS

Yeah… sure… maybe.

GIBBS, WILL, and JACK are in a drunken pirates bar.

JACK

Will… go check out the men at the bar.

WILL

What?

JACK

You heard me. We need our privacy.

WILL reluctantly goes over to the bar and orders sushi. This is a chic Japanese sushi bar instead of like a pirate pub where they are playing Japanese techno and the harijuku girls are all weird and dancing.

JACK

Look… I have a proposition… you remember the pirates on the black pearl?

GIBBS (sipping a Chai tea and eating sushi)

Aye.

JACK

The kid's name is Turner, Gibbs.

GIBBS

Turner? (realization dawns in his eyes) Turner?! Are we going to the Isle del Clarinette do get back the treasure from Captain Bar-bitch and the people on the Black Pearl?

JACK

That's exactly what we're doing. But… don't tell Will.

GIBBS

Aye.

WILL comes back over.

WILL
Hey guys, give me some skin!

Holds up his hands for a high five, he is REJECTED (Fo-shizzle) by GIBBS and JACK who look at his high five all confused.

WILL

Or… not… look, I have an idea for where to go and get a crew…

SCENE 12

Barboobie's Special Little Curse

Interior Shot: Day

ELIZABETH is sitting on the Black Pearl, PINTEL comes over holding tight pants with a british flag on them and a revealing sports bra.

ELIZABETH
Nice outfit Pintel… didn't know you um… were into that sort of thing.

PINTEL

No, it's for you. Captain Bar- binky wants to eat with you… and he requests you wear this…

ELIZABETH

No fucking way…

PINTEL

Alright… guess you'll be dining down with the crew… naked.

ELIZABETH

No fucking way-

Cut to ELIZABETH sitting across from BARBOSSA in front of a glorious meal of dead stuff and just good food. ELIZABETH looks at it longingly.

BARBOSSA

Eat… I insist.

ELIZABETH

How do you think I keep this figure? No way… anyway, I bet it's poisoned…

BARBOSSA

What figure?

ELIZABETH (crying)

DON'T CALL ME FAT!

BARBOSSA

What? I said-

ELIZABETH stabs BARBOSSA in the hand with her knife. Nothing happens, there's blood on the knife… but BARBOSSA's fine.

ELIZABETH

What the-

BARBOSSA

See Ms. Turner… it's time that we tell you about our little curse. When we went to the Isle of the Clarinette, we stole all of their Aztec gold and spent it on women, booze, and strange little monkey's. But… we couldn't enjoy any of it, because we became living skeletons because of a curse. We tried to return all of the gold, but your damn father Mr. Turner stole some of it and somehow made it so we couldn't become non-skeleton men unless we return all of it. So… we must repay the blood and sacrifice you with the gold and no longer be freaky CGI Skeleton men.

ELIZABETH (drooling, suddenly wakes up)

What? Captain Barbells… you're confusing me.

BARBOSSA

Come outside… I'll show you.

They go outside. The SKELETON MEN are outside, and, because they have skulls, they're simultaneous performing the "To Be or Not to Be" scene from Hamlet. ELIZABETH screams and runs into one of them ruining their monologue. The SKELETON MEN turn into creepy theater kids, and are all "YOU RUINED MY SHAKESPHERE" and start throwing her around and having hallway orgies. ELIZABETH runs back inside to BARBOSSA.

BARBOSSA

See what I have to deal with? I've heard that same Hamlet monologue 200,939 times, and I'm done. I need them to become normal pirates, and quit doing this with their skulls, and GOD DAMN IT! I want to be BEAUTIFUL AGAIN!

BARBOSSA starts tearing at his face and writhing on the floor.

ELIZABETH

This fucking sucks.

Fade to BLACK

SCENE 13

qaStaH nuq? (what's happening… IN KLINGON!)

Show a sign advertising a STAR TREK CONVENTION

Cut to WILL, GIBBS, and JACK entering a Star Trek convention. The creepy trekkies come up to them talking in Klingon and doing that weird finger thing.

TREKKIE #1 (Captain Kirk)

Live long and prosper!

TREKKIE #2 (Spock)

Hey… that's my line, bitch.

WILL
Do you guys wanna get on a real ship and go to faraway lands!

TREKKIES
HISlaH!!!! ( "Yes" in Klingon… no… we aren't fluent.)

JACK

Well then… come with us!

GIBBS (goes and talks to the mute guy)

Hey… how's the convention going?

MUTE GUY

Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam

GIBBS

Eres un chica muy muy muy caliente, no?

MUTE GUY

qoSlIj DatIvjaj!

JACK

Tee hee.