Summary: The epic face-off between master and apprentice devolves into something... bizarre. Inspired by Madara's infamous Hashiboob. Crack.
Faceboob
The two traitorous Uchihas – master and apprentice – faced each other on the bloodsoaked battlefield, one's expression grim and determined, the other visibly smug, as if amused by the insolence of the younger man who dared to rebel against his benefactor. As if the defiant act that took so much guts and titanic strength of will from the reformed criminal was insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
Obito bit his lip, quelling the nervous jitters as he was subjected to the fearsome, smothering presence of Uchiha Madara. He was bent on proving his independence, on proving that his change of heart mattered and Madara should not make light of it because it could and would bite him later in his old, senile ass. To hell with caring for the elderly, the younger Uchiha thought vehemently.
"Obito," Madara intoned, a mocking smirk infusing every syllable he spoke with utter derision, "did you really think you could cross me and get away with it? Stop this foolishness and learn your place."
"No, it's you who should stop! The Moon Eye Plan will never work, I guarantee this to you," Obito replied strongly, despite a few doubts still lingering in the back of his mind after years of being brainwashed. However, he could not afford to show weakness if he wanted to have a chance to win against someone as cunning and powerful as Madara.
"Hmph. I see it's no use talking to you, that Naruto brat already sank his claws deeply into you. It's a shame," the ancient Uchiha commented, though he didn't seem all that concerned with Obito changing sides. The things were close to Madara's desired endgame, he just needed more time.
A huge smirk of superiority blossomed on his handsome face as an interesting idea came to him unbidden. Madara performed a long string of handseals and poured a portion of his limitless chakra into the strange, unknown technique. He had never tried it out on anyone, but if it worked properly, it could suit his needs nicely. It wouldn't hurt to try, anyway.
Thousands of needles filled with Wood Element chakra erupted from Madara and shot in all directions, striking all the nearby shinobi, who had no way of escaping the surprise attack. After the initial sting, not dissimilar to the feeling of being injected, everyone who had been hit by the jutsu bowed in half, clutching at their hearts in the sudden pain as their flesh shifted and molded into various shapes beneath their vests. When the process of change was completed, the pain vanished completely, leaving behind only the vague uncomfortable sensation, as if something was stuck to the skin on their chests with superglue. Many started scratching at it, but it wouldn't come off.
"What... what did you do?" Obito asked, breathing heavily as he recovered from the technique's bizarre effect.
Madara laughed, seeing something that must have been funny. Obito glowered at him.
"See for yourself," the older Uchiha indicated Obito's exposed torso and chuckled again, shaking his head a bit in disbelief.
Confused, the reformed Uchiha glanced down and screamed in shock. There, in the place of his left pectoral, was plastered the relief sculpted in likeness of Rin's face. And it – she – was smiling gently, just like he remembered in his fondest memories of the girl he loved.
Shaken, Obito raised his gaze again in askance. "What... why... why is Rin on my chest? What does this technique do?"
Madara smirked. "It just shows what's the closest to your heart," he quipped.
"That's it?" muttered Kakashi, who was nearby listening in to the conversation between the Uchihas as he had been preparing to step in for when Obito would undoubtedly find himself in need of a timely rescue. "Isn't it kind of pointless?"
However, it seemed Madara had an extraordinary hearing, because he could tell what Kakashi mumbled under the mask. "It's not pointless. Just look around!" he swept his hand around in a broad motion.
Indeed, most of the Alliance shinobi took off their shirts to investigate the effects of the strange jutsu and more often than not, they did not like what they saw emblazoned on each other's chests. The situation was rapidly spinning out of control as screaming matches and brawls erupted all around.
"Hey dude, why the fuck do you have my wife's face there?"
"Man, chill out, it's not what you think, ehehe..."
"Chill out?! Chill out?! You're lusting for my wife and I'm supposed to chill out?! I thought you were my best friend! Die, you two-faced lying scum!"
Kakashi blanched, seeing everything deteriorate into pure chaos and realizing the genius of Madara's tactics. The philosophy of divide and conquer was pretty simple, but with his unexpected technique the ancient Uchiha achieved the maximum effectiveness. He literally was just standing there in the middle of the battlefield and doing nothing, while the Alliance forces tore themselves apart due to infighting he had insidiously caused. If no one would stop this madness on time, Madara wouldn't have to lift a finger to win.
"Obito, quick! We need to regroup and attack Madara again!" Kakashi called out to his old teammate desperately, but didn't receive any response from the eerily silent Uchiha. Kakashi dashed to him, seized by worry. "Obito, what's wrong?!"
He peered down to look him into the eye and recoiled. "O-Obito!" he exclaimed.
The blissful expression looked out of place on the Uchiha's heavily scarred visage, the two thin lines of blood dripping from his nostrils down the lips and chin not helping any. Obito cupped "Rin's" cheek and stroked it creepily, moaning and shuddering with pleasure.
"What are you doing? Snap out of it!" Kakashi shook his arm, hoping to bring Obito back to his senses, but the Uchiha slapped his hand away and growled in anger, baring his teeth at the seriously freaked out Hatake.
"Go away, Bakakashi, this is MY Rin-chan and I won't give her to you! Never! Grrr!"
Kakashi backed away from his again crazed former teammate, seeing the futility of trying to get him to cooperate. Instead, he headed for the cluster of Konoha ninjas, among which he glimpsed his students. He had to hurry, as things over there didn't look all that great either. The ease with which Obito was neutralized was troubling and if the same happened to the Alliance's best fighters, they were all doomed and as good as Madara's slaves.
The arguments he overheard on his way didn't bode well.
"Nara, what is this? What is this?! Do I look to you like a blank rectangle?!" Temari, the Kazekage's sister was yelling at the bare-chested tactician, his vest crumpled in her grip. She must have wrestled it off him to check what he got from Madara's technique.
Shikamaru sighed like a long-suffering man. "No, Temari. Stop being so troublesome, this doesn't mean anything."
"Then what does it mean, huh? Tell me!" the kunoichi demanded.
Chouji snickered. "Shikamaru's got the pillow, Temari-san," he explained and his friend sent him a betrayed look.
"You prefer your PILLOW to me?!"
Kakashi winced at the shrill tones her voice hit, then hurried along.
A few steps away, another couple found the meaning of a term "trouble in paradise".
"How could you do this to me? I thought we were partners! Look, I have you here, on my heart!" the young man shoved his shirt up to show the sign of his affection. "I thought we were a perfect team, you and I! So why?! Why do you like my sister more?! Akamaru!"
The white, massive dog whimpered like a kicked puppy and hung his head, chastised, the face of Kiba's sister displayed on the furry breast.
Kakashi resisted the urge to facepalm and hurried along, finally reaching his students. And, as he realized, for once in his life, he was just on time.
"Sooo, Saaakura-chaaan... who did you get?" Naruto asked tactlessly.
"None of your business, Naruto!" she yelled at him, cheeks ablaze as she hugged herself, concealing the vague shape under her zipped up, bulky flak jacket from the curious gaze of her teammate.
"Come ooonnn, you can show us!" Naruto insisted.
"Go away and ask someone else!" Sakura snapped and scared him away by shaking her fist, charged with chakra.
"Like who?" Naruto pouted, but relented. Kakashi sighed, glad he didn't have to save his teacher's son from demise by Sakura's earth-shattering punch. He didn't have to check to know whose face was under her clothes. He knew that while her love stayed the same, it was a different feeling... or whatever that was supposed to mean. It sounded cool in his head, even if it didn't make much sense and it's not like people could read his mind all of a sudden, right?
Right?
"Hey, Gaara! Gaara!" Naruto spotted his friend and waved enthusiastically. "So, who do you have there?"
The Kazekage looked at him unblinking, the stony expression revealing nothing. "I believe it's your face, Naruto," he admitted stoically.
"Sweet! Bros forever, Gaara!" Naruto raised his fist, prompting Gaara to do the same, so they could bump.
"N-Naruto-kun, I also have your face," Hinata confessed shyly, but of course he didn't hear her over the loud background noises, which only added to her frustration of being unnoticed again. Even after they had held hands!
"Naruto, does that mean you have me?" Gaara asked in his gravelly voice and the few people around paused to look at them, apparently curious about who was the closest to Naruto's heart.
"Eh, I don't know yet, let's check now!"
Naruto reached down and began lifting his shirt. The interested people craned their necks to see better. Hinata felt faint from the sight of Naruto's muscles and she clutched at her rapidly beating heart, unsuccessfully trying to calm down as she was hoping to see herself on her beloved's chest.
Everyone held their breath and with the last tug, Naruto revealed the naked truth about himself.
Hinata, torn between jealousy and bewilderment, chose the easy way out and blacked out, her fall cushioned by Shino, who was as always ignored by literally everybody.
The whispers broke out around sheepishly smiling Naruto.
"Eh? Who the hell is it?"
"Some old dude?"
"Why does he have some old dude there?"
Indeed, the face of Ichiraku Teuchi, the proprietor of Naruto's favourite ramen stand, was smiling on the hero's chest.
"What? I love Ichiraku Ramen!" the blond defended his weird deformity. "Ramen is the food of the gods!"
Kakashi facepalmed so hard, he knocked himself out, thus the last person who still remembered about defeating Madara was effectively incapacitated.
And that's how one obscure technique, used to its fullest capacity, won the war.
The (Bad) End