A/N: It's been a while since I wrote something and this nagged at me to be written. I have people to thank: Weez, thanks for your sharp eye, beta skills and so much more. Tirion, you were so encouraging and supportive. If I am ever capable of writing with the quality you give your work, I would be thrilled. XV aka xenavirgin, goddess of the "as" and all things femslash, you are a pillar in the fanfic world, such a great writer, and a killer beta. Thanks to you all!
Disclaimer: These incredible characters are sure not mine, never will be. I'm just taking them out for a ride, and no profit is gained.
Simply…
She woke abruptly with a startled gasp, temporarily disoriented in the shadowed room, wrenched from sleep by the invasive ring of her cell phone. A wave of anxiety caught her momentarily before she remembered and concentrated on taking slow deep breaths. She swung her legs over the edge of the bed, consciously feeling her bare feet physically touching the floor and grounding herself back into her body. She had managed to avoid full blown PTSD after her recent kidnapping but still found herself easily startled. Her reactions were more manageable when she was able to use the techniques that her therapist had taught her.
As her breathing evened out, her awareness was caught by the edge of a dream weighted heavily with loss. The cast of dark eyes and a lithe, familiar figure slipped away into the shadows, fading into a nebulous twilight zone of barely remembered sensations and desire.
She fumbled for her cell phone where it buzzed on her night stand. The harsh vibration cut off quickly as she answered, "Dr. Isles." She prepared herself to stand and get ready to leave, her thoughts racing ahead to respond to the usual late night demand for her services as the medical examiner.
A faint voice spoke through the static on the line. "Dr. Isles? Is this Dr. Maura Isles?"
She paused in her movement, settling back down. Rubbing the last sleep from her eyes, she responded, "Yes, this is Dr. Isles. Who is this please?"
"Ah, I'm sorry. This is Dr. Pedersen, calling from Médecins Sans Frontières, um, Doctors without Borders? We spoke about 3 months ago?"
The unexpected voice tweaked the memory of a smiling, 55-year-old MD with whom she had interviewed when he was last recruiting in Boston. "Yes, of course I remember. How can I help you?" She smothered a yawn as she replied.
"I'm sorry to be calling so late, but we have an emergency. You signed up to serve on our urgent response teams. We have a situation developing."
Maura stood, shrugging into a robe. "Please go on, Dr. Pedersen. What's happening?"
"There's another outbreak of Ebola in Sierra Leone that we're working quickly to contain in accord with the protocols put in place after the epidemic last year. With your experience in Africa and your background, you are ideal for this work. I've emailed you the details concerning the outbreak and the teams we're getting in place. Please read the information and let me know if you're available to travel immediately. You'll find my contact info in the email. We've got a team flying out of Boston within the next few hours." He paused, realizing how rapidly he had been speaking. "Please excuse my brusqueness, we're on a very tight deadline."
While he spoke, Maura had moved quickly to her kitchen where she had left her laptop set up on the counter. She turned it on, impatient with the time it took to boot. "I'll take a look at your files and get right back to you, Dr. Pederson."
His voice darkened as he spoke before hanging up. "Dr. Isles, I can assure you that all precautions will be taken to protect our physicians and personnel. But please take into consideration the extreme risk Ebola represents when you make your decision to join us or not. It would be completely understandable if you turned down this mission. Please call me as soon as you can. I need to hear from you within the next two hours. Goodnight and thank you for your willingness to consider being available for this crisis."
Hearing the monotone of a disconnected call, Maura quickly hung up her phone, placing it on the counter. The information attached to the email contained a thorough description of the developing emergency, the work that was waiting to be done, and all the schedules, flight information, everything she would need to walk out the door. Included were the protocols clarifying the standard operating procedures that would be in place. She could read those in more detail on the plane.
She was aware that Sierra Leone had been declared Ebola free in November of 2015, but the most recent Communicable Diseases Threats Report stated that a newly found patient had died on January 12th of this year. Caretakers of that individual appeared to be the source of the new outbreak. The team's priority would be to keep that outbreak from ballooning into another epidemic. She would be working on one of the remote teams that would be surveying outlying villages in the at-risk districts.
She knew the pathogenesis of the Ebola virus and just how dangerous it was, with a 70% or more mortality rate and a serious risk to caretakers. There was no question that she was going despite that danger. She'd prepared for this call over the last months and was committed to this effort beyond any personal cost. All her immunizations were up to date and had been since she agreed to be available after her interview. She sent a quick email to Dr. Pedersen confirming that she'd be at the airport on time.
When she originally interviewed, she had decided that she needed a shift in her life and that that change needed to have significant meaning, something big enough to push her and motivate a transformation. Like many other physicians, this call to action matched her deepest values. It was not that her job did not fulfill major parts of her life. But there was a facet of her work that had now become woven through her existence that challenged her more than she could almost bear, and that was Jane Rizzoli.
She needed some perspective, a reality check. Fighting off a kidnapper was one thing, but confronting the pull of her heart required a totally different kind of courage, the kind of courage that eluded her each time she warily considered confronting Jane and naming the connection between them. But she always backed away, blocked by the unspoken barrier that Jane maintained, and by her knowledge that this was not a woman that one pushed.
Maura started a list in her head and began writing emails to the Governor with a recommendation for a temporary replacement, Cavanaugh, Kent, Korsak, Frankie, Nina, Angela, Constance …and then there was Jane. It always came down to Jane, quietly residing in her heart. 'Not so quietly', she thought, as her heart rate accelerated at the thought of her. 'She takes up so much space inside me, and quiet is just not a qualifier that fits Jane. Life just roars around her.' She shook her head and focused.
Her fingers froze on the keyboard as she imagined the reactions to her decision to leave. There would be shock and concern, fear for her safety, and surprise that she had walked away with so little notice, even if only temporarily. She knew that there were both care and love wrapped around her from the people that had become family and accepted her for all her brilliance, despite her occasional social oddities and innocent missteps.
She also knew an email was not going to cut it for everyone and reached for pen and paper. While doing so, Jane's face appeared to her with that particularly loving look Jane always gave her in those moments when the bond that joined them sang, low and deep, pulling at her center, awakening tantalizing desire. At times, she thought she caught glimpses of a returned hunger in Jane's glances but that was quickly veiled and neither stepped forward into that potential. Yes, there was love, deep abiding love that soared to the surface in times of distress, the abduction giving clear proof of that. Yet Maura wanted so much more than those I-love-my best friend looks and fleeting touches that withdrew way too quickly, always leaving her wanting so much more.
Maura had helplessly hoped that when the men had fallen away from their lives in the last months, that that "more" might blossom. Instead there seemed to be increased distance, less time spent together, less ease with physical touch and the quiet intimacy of shared space. The uncomplicated rhythm of their relationship had faltered and become edgy, shifting to some unexplainable dissonance. They seemed frozen in time, almost dancing around each other in a circular holding pattern of advance and retreat. And it was eating her up inside. Maybe they had moved beyond that moment of possibility. The risk of losing what was left was just too great and Maura was not willing to ever risk that. But something had to change. It was time to let go and let life unfold, and to find the courage she needed to do so.
She remembered Kent taking her notebook from her yesterday and reading the poem aloud that she had finished in her journal for an assignment. She had interpreted the theme, The Opposite of Me, to write about qualities she admired in others. Being a woman grounded in the practical, physiological logic of thought and detail, writing from the heart was a baffling exercise. It had taken a few tries but she had found words for Angela and Korsak, and finally, the hardest for whom to write about, Jane. Kent had read aloud, "She is fierce and the first to defend me in my moment of trouble and need. Her wit and laughter sustain me and never come at my expense. And when we part, there is never sadness because our bond is always there. She is not just my friend. She is a gift both precious and rare."
Maura had softly smiled and silently hoped Jane had heard her, had understood this message from her heart woven between the lines. The answering smile she saw from Jane left her with a smidgen of hope.
Her note was short, handwritten in her flowing script. She described what she would be doing and where she was going. She read aloud as she wrote, "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. You won't be able to reach me. I'll be out of contact for weeks at a time. I'll be gone at least a month, maybe more, probably more. I'll be safe and protected. You know germs don't scare me half as much as people do. It's more likely that I'll scare people away with my google-mouth, as you call it."
"Please, don't harass my replacement just because you're angry and scared for me. You know the lab team will keep everything moving smoothly. I will see you soon and look forward to finding ease in our friendship again, my beautiful friend. My love stays here with you. Please reassure Angela that I will be fine. She will worry. Hold on to what I have written for you here and know that it flows from my heart to yours. No sadness, Jane."
When she had finished, her fingertips danced across the page stroking and entwining her care and love into the fibers of the paper. She left it on the counter in an envelope with Jane's name written on the front, leaning against a cup. Jane was supposed to come by in the morning for a run, something they had been missing the last months.
Weeks ago, Maura had packed a duffle bag with the clothing and supplies she would need if she was called. She showered and quickly changed. Gathering the last of her documents and her computer together, she decided to leave her phone, knowing it would be useless where she was going. They'd be lucky to have an occasionally working satellite phone. She called a cab and with a last look back, was out the door and on her way to the airport to meet the team for a quick flight to New York and onward.
~~~.~~~
The next morning, Jane knocked on the door and let herself in, somewhat surprised to find the door locked, calling "Maura, sorry I'm late…good on ya for locking the door this time." Her voice trailed off when she saw her mother standing in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in her hand, a look of concern on her face as she watched Jane enter the room.
Jane scanned the kitchen and front room. "Ma? It's pretty early for you on a Saturday. What are you doing here? Where's Maura?"
Her mother poured her a cup of coffee and gestured toward the envelope, a look of deep worry on her face. Her voice was gentle, a welcome change from her often strident tone. "I think you need to read that, Jane. When I got up this morning there was an email from Maura asking me to watch the house, along with, uh, other news."
"Watch the house?" Placing the cup on the counter, Jane opened the envelope and began to read, a trembling hand going to her mouth as the details became clear. "Oh God, why would she do something like this? I don't understand. Ebola? Is she crazy? I've got to stop her from doing this. Stop her now." She pulled out her phone and frantically hit Maura's number on speed dial, only to hear a faint ring from where the phone was charging in the living room.
"Fuck!" Jane swore and turned to grab her keys off the counter, heading out the door. She was blocked by her mother's firm grip on her wrist, stopping her abruptly.
"Jane, she is long gone. Their flight left New York hours ago. You're not going to be able to get to her. Let her go. She knows what she is doing whether we like her choices or not."
Anguished eyes met hers, Jane's voice rising, "But Ma, I can't, I have to stop her. How could she do this? Doesn't she know how worried I have been, sleeping on her couch, checking on her? I leave her alone for one night and now she's decided to go off chasing Ebola?"
Angela's grip tightened as she sensed Jane brace herself to pull away. "Jane, you're forgetting that Maura is a strong, independent, capable woman. Look how she handled that kidnapper. I think she needed to get away and find her own center again. She must have needed to do this and needed to do it now." She took a calming breath and lowered her voice. "She's always there for you, Jane, always." Angela tilted her head, scanning her daughter's face before saying, "You've been so caught up in this case. Maybe you haven't been there the way she wants and needs you to be there for her."
Angela watched Jane's eyes flit away nervously, as she muttered, "What is this ease in our friendship thing? I've been there for everything. Doesn't she know….?"
Angela slowly released Jane's wrist, her hand rising to cup her cheek. "Whatever it is that you think Maura should know, I don't think she does know. Probably because you've not told her or even known how to tell her."
Angela drew Jane into a tight hug, swallowing down her own worry and concern for the woman who was almost a second daughter to her. "We can only pray that it will all be ok, that she'll be safe."
Stiffly, Jane let herself be drawn into her mother's encompassing hug. She squeezed her eyes closed, stubbornly fighting a tear. Shaken and uncertain, Jane thought to herself, 'I might never see her again. Maura, how could this happen? Why would you go without talking with me?'
~~~.~~~
Over the next days, Jane dug up every lead she could find trying to get ahold of Maura, to pinpoint exactly where she was. She had been able to get details of the flight path of the plane and Nina had helped her track the cargo trucks that got the teams to their working distribution site. Frustratingly, she could not reach Maura, missing her at every point of contact, her messages going unanswered. And then Maura was gone, out with the field teams heading toward the villages. Everything was a dead end. It took Korsak threatening to throw her in a holding cell to keep her from trying to make her own way to Sierra Leone.
Jane steeled herself and looked up Ebola hemorrhagic fever on the web and scared herself to death reading about the virus, its symptoms and progression, and its dangers. Even with the extreme precautions used to isolate patients and protect caretakers, she learned how acute the peril was for medical personnel. Nina had shared that there were now a hundred people identified at high risk due to the patient that had died on January 12th and that number was growing.
Almost every night Jane's dreams were filled with visions of what she had seen and read. She had a reoccurring nightmare where Maura's protection suit was breached. A taped seam became undone at the neck. Maura sees it and knows she has been exposed, just like what had happened to others. Her eyes dilate with fear and Jane watches her as the reality of what is to come washes over her. Maura slowly calms. Her eyes catch Jane's and a hand reaches out extending toward her as the tunnel of the dream starts to close. Jane hears a few last words as Maura's voice fades, "Jane, I am so very sorry...remember, no sadness. I am always with you, always."
Jane woke drenched and shaking, sitting up, screaming her name. "Maura! No, Maura!" The loss was unbearable, a knife through her gut and her heart, forcing her on to her side where tears overtook her. She hugged her pillow, wrapping herself around it for the slightest comfort, substituting for the warm body she wished was there beside her. Sleep did not come again on those nights.
As the weeks progressed, Jane became impossible, tense and irritable, snapping at everyone. She dove deeply into her work, trying to lose herself. By the fourth week, Jane looked like a ghost. Lack of sleep and trying to survive on coffee alone had left her a thin shell of the dynamic woman she normally was. Deep shadows had taken up residence beneath her eyes and tension etched into her face, sharpening her features. The initial anger was fading to a quiet, contained desperation. Nina checked the news reports daily searching for any word and reporting anything she found. The good news was that the patient count was going down over the weeks and the outbreak might be beginning to be contained.
Angela was beyond worried. She dropped off meals, bullying Jane to eat even the slightest amount. The lack of sleep was taking its toll and nothing seemed to affect that with the exception of absolute exhaustion. Finally, one evening she came by the BRIC and found Jane asleep with her head resting on her arms at her desk, sprawled over her notes.
She hesitantly reached out and stroked her fingers through Jane's long hair, snarled and unkempt, and whispered, "Jane, Jane, sweetie. It's time to go home. C'mon."
Jane's murmured, "Maura? Maura, s'at you?" She looked up blearily and sat up slowly. "Ma? What're you doing here?"
Angela sighed and shook her head. "Taking you home is what I am doing. Enough of this. I'm taking you home and tucking you in right now." She levered her arms under Jane's and helped her stand shakily on her feet. "C'mon, I got you."
Guiding her out the door and to her car, she headed toward home. Jane sat quietly, her eyes closed. Angela parked once they arrived, and shook Jane's arm. "Jane, we're here."
Jane's eyes opened and when she saw where they were, her eyes filled with tears and she shook her head. "I can't Ma, I just can't. She's not here so I can't be here, not this close. It hurts too much for me to be here without her."
Angela reached out and covered Jane's hand with her own. She spoke in a low voice, "Janie, Maura would not want you doing this to yourself. You have to stop. Maybe it's time you looked at why you're so very scared and upset. What is going on?"
The agitation in Jane's voice was clear in her graveled tone when she spoke, "Ebola is what's going on… with Maura in the middle of it! And I don't know how she is or even why she went…" Her voice trailed off and she shook herself free of her mother's hand. Her voice quieted as she added, "I don't know, Ma. I just keep running in circles in my head, tighter and tighter, and all I can feel is this huge Maura-sized hole. I just want to run away from that. I am so afraid for her, afraid that I won't see her again, and I feel empty inside and guilty and angry." She sank down lower in the car's seat, turning her head to look away from the house. "Please, just take me home. Take me home, Ma."
"Ok, but you have to stop running away from this. It's hurting you, hurting you bad." Angela started the car and drove away throwing worried glances at her daughter.
~~~.~~~
The next afternoon, Jane lost it. During an interrogation, she lifted a suspect bodily out of a chair and up against a wall, screaming at him with rage. Korsak ordered her out of the building, told her to walk it off and to hope she didn't get sued. He found her hours later at The Robber, slouched in a booth and staring off into space, choking down a beer. He slid in next to her, blocking her exit.
"Jane, this has to stop. You're going to lose your job if you keep this up no matter how good a detective you are. What is going on with you?"
Jane glared at him. "You know what is going on. And I'm not talking about this, Korsak. I can't."
"Why? This is me here. I've seen it all including all the stuff you never wanted me to see. But I'm still here and always will be for you."
"I just can't. You need to move over and let me go." Her eyes slid away, not able to meet his gaze.
"Not going to do that. Look at me, Jane." He raised an eyebrow as she reluctantly turned to look at him full on. "Does this have anything to do with our absent medical examiner? We're not talking about Ebola here. And yes, I know how frantically worried you are."
He was met with the silence of angry eyes, before a guttural growl tumbled out, "I said, I am not going to talk about this."
"Jane, let's be clear here. Your words may not be saying too much, but your attitude, your body, your behavior are all talking loud and clear. You are making yourself crazy with worry. Why do you think that is?"
Jane's eyes flitted away, staring intently at the table top, the beer bottle making a sharp click as she put it down forcefully. "Out of my way, old man. I gotta go. I can't tell you what I don't know. Outta my way…. now!"
Korsak slid out of the booth and looked down watching Jane shift to the edge of the seat, ready to stand. He spoke in a quiet voice. "Don't forget, we're all here for you, here for both of you." He paused and added even more softly, "And I think you do know, Jane." He spoke to her back as she angrily strode out of the bar.
~~~.~~~
Jane walked on into the night, her thoughts circling and spinning, the worry she could not seem to lose haunting her. The misty rain so common to Boston caught her, and when she finally stopped she found herself in front of Maura's house yet again. She shrugged and looked up into the dark clouds, lifting her arms and proclaiming, "What is with this? Do I have some kind of internal GPS that thinks this is home?" She let her arms drop to her sides, staring at the house before moving to the door.
She hesitated before finally letting herself in, unable to keep herself from tentatively calling out Maura's name as she entered. She left the light off, letting the glow from the one lamp in the front room light her way to Maura's bedroom, then headed to the bathroom to grab a towel and wipe the rain from her face and hair. She inhaled the lingering scent on the towel, Maura's fragrance, and sighed.
The house was still, and felt musty and abandoned. Heading out to the living room, she lit a few candles and sat on her side of the couch, patting the cushions where Maura always sat. She spoke aloud, her voice hoarse, "Hey Maur, I miss you. I miss you so very much. I know you should be home soon but this is so impossibly hard."
She bit her lip trying to keep back tears. "You better get home soon. I can't take this much longer. All I do is worry and have nightmares about body bags and horrible things. Maybe if I turn on a documentary, like that one on brachio-ipods that you loved so much, you'll just walk in, sit down right here and watch it with me? And everything will just be the way it used to be? Can we just do that?"
She looked around the familiar room that was just so Maura. "Why did you leave me? Why? Can you just come back? I have so many things to tell you even if I don't know if I can and I am so scared I won't get a chance to. And I need to quit lying to myself…and to you." She took out the bedraggled letter that Maura had left her and unfolded it, running her fingertips over the words, wondering how she could ever answer. "See? I …I did like you said. I held on to it. Kept it in my pocket and read it every day."
How could she ever put into words what Maura meant to her when she'd never really answered that inside herself, much less spoken those words out loud? That would make it all too risky and dangerous. She had no language for the visceral attraction she had for the beautiful, quirky Maura Isles. But an ultimate danger had come between them in the guise of a lethal virus. And it was time, simply time…
"Paper, I need paper!" She murmured to herself jumping up and pulling a pad and a pen from a drawer and sat back down. She wrote two words and stopped, chewing on the pen as she stared down at the paper. You are…. the words glared back at her and she spoke aloud as she jotted down what came to her, "….my friend. …my companion ….my partner in crime….my….," and stopped to rip the paper from the pad, balling it up and tossing it on the floor. She stared into a candle flame for a few seconds and started again. "You are… so smart and so beautiful and so sexy and so funny and so google-mouthed and so patient with me…and such a genius…...and my mother loves you, probably more than me, and so does everyone else….and so do…," …another ball of paper hit the floor.
This went on for hours as Jane tried to fit her feelings into something tangible, moving through the layers. By the time she had drilled down to the center of all of it, that quiet space in her heart, there was only one word left. She wrote it down carefully and stared at it before holding the paper to the nearest candle flame, watching the ink flare as the paper morphed to ash. She rose, blew out the candles and walked out of the house, locking the door behind her.
~~~.~~~
The work had been indescribably hard and impossibly demanding, but they had made measurable progress. The outbreak was controlled enough that another epidemic had not had the chance to develop and the loss of life was contained. New personnel were rotating in and those who had been working the front lines would be leaving over the next few days. Though she had hoped to contact Jane to let her know she was safe, the opportunity had just not become a reality.
Maura was more than ready to head home to Boston. Dancing with one of the deadliest viruses in the world was not for the faint-hearted. The heat, dehydration, the long hours, and the demanding protocols in place to deal with such a virulent disease had all taken a toll. Working in the personal protection equipment was cumbersome and just compounded the overall persistent fatigue. And that could lead to errors, potentially fatal errors when coupled to the risks involved. The word exhaustion did not even touch what she felt. Everything hurt.
She lay on her cot in the dormitory, now that they were out of the field, and stared at the ceiling, resting before grabbing a shower and heading off to dinner. She would follow that up with a final review of the most recent lab results. The work never stopped. She had had a horrible headache over the last few days that nothing seemed to relieve, with the beginning of an optical migraine cascading in her vision. She stretched trying to work out the kinks in her neck to lessen the tension and pressure. Her back ached deeply and taking a deep breath was prohibited by the tightness in her chest. Maura sighed and let her mind wander away from her immediate surroundings. Though the stress of almost every minute had kept her occupied, in the few moments she had to herself, she had reached the decision that it was time to talk with Jane, to put her heart on the line.
Every night as she fell asleep, it was Jane's face that she saw, that eased her into slumber. Surrounded by so much death, life had become immeasurably precious. She was not going to waste another moment of it. They had come too far to deserve any less than each other's complete honesty, no matter what came of it. She was resolute that it would be the very first thing she would do when she returned to Boston in a few days.
When she stood, her head spun and she almost lost her balance. She grabbed the edge of a chair and hung on, saying to herself, "Must be low blood sugar. When was the last time I ate?" Once the spinning was almost gone, she picked up a towel and her shower bag. "Guess I'm even more tired than I thought." she muttered. She caught up with another doctor in the hallway and they both headed off towards the showers, chatting tiredly. The other doctor commented on how pale she looked and asked if she was feeling all right. Maura brushed off the question saying it was just fatigue and she'd be fine in the morning after a night's sleep.
As usual, the water was freezing. Maura soaped up and rinsed off as quickly as she could, shivering, teeth chattering while she dried off and quickly dressed. The headache pounded and she blinked in the late-afternoon sun as she walked back to the women's dorm. Back in her room, she laid back down on top of her bed only to be caught by a wave of chills. She groaned and shivered, goosebumps rising on her skin. She drew up a blanket from the end of the bed and closed her eyes, huddling into herself for warmth, thinking, 'I'll just close my eyes for a minute and then head out for dinner.'
Maura woke to a loud knock on her door, hearing her name called. She tried to throw off the covers, fighting for a full breath, feeling fevered with every muscle aching. The headache only seemed to have worsened.
She heard the knock again. It was the same doctor with whom she had walked to the showers a while ago. "Maura, are you all right? We missed you at dinner. I don't want to bother you but I'm concerned."
Maura tried to sit up and was caught by a wave of extreme vertigo, nausea rising. Her head dropped back down to the damp pillow. She called out weakly, "Don't come in! I need a team in here immediately. I'm sick."
She heard footsteps running off down the hall. Fear began to catch her as the reality of what she was facing took over. She felt a wave of sadness and despair move through her as Jane's face came to her mind. She closed her eyes and whispered, "Jane, I'm so very sorry."
~~.~~
The call came in at 11 pm.
Jane was still working diligently at her desk and distractedly answered her phone when it rang. "Rizzoli".
"Hello, this is Dr. Anne Phillips calling from Massachusetts General Hospital. Am I speaking to Jane Rizzoli?"
"Yes, this is Jane Rizzoli. How can I help you?" Her puzzlement evident in her voice. "What's this about?"
"You are listed as the contact and power of attorney for Dr. Maura Isles. We have her here and need you to get here as soon as possible."
Jane's heart fell and she could barely catch a breath as she heard Maura's name. She jumped to her feet, clutching the edge of her desk, head spinning from the quick action. She spat rapid fire questions into the phone. "What? You have Maura at Mass Gen? Is she ok? What does "have her" mean? Is she alive? What's going on?"
Korsak's head whipped around when he heard Jane mention Maura's name. He moved over to her, listening, offering support with his presence.
Dr. Phillips continued calmly, "I can't share any details with you on the phone. But yes, she is alive. You need to get here and get here quickly. Come directly to the ICU and they'll page me to come talk with you."
Jane responded curtly, "I'm on my way." She remembered that she had read that Mass Gen was one of the Ebola treatment centers in the US to which patients were transported for acute care.
She shrugged into her jacket impatiently while she moved toward the stairs, calling over her shoulder, "Korsak, contact my family and let them know where I am going. I'll call as soon as I know what's going on."
"Jane, do you want me to come with you? I can drive you there."
"No, I'm going now. Just make the call to Ma for me."
She sprinted down the stairs and into the parking garage, wrenching her car door open and whipping the seat belt across her body. She paused for a moment as the car idled, hands clenching the wheel, white-knuckled, trying to catch her breath. A quick glance in the mirror showed eyes gone as dark as ebony, terror shining from their depths. "Oh God, Maura. Please…." She swallowed down her fear and threw the car into gear, tires squealing as she peeled out into the street. The blue and red of the emergency lights cut a path through the night.
At the hospital, she ran to the ICU and checked in, frantically asking for Dr. Phillips. The doctor appeared quickly, wearing a personal protection suit, the hood removed. She was a woman in her 50's with greying hair pulled back in a long braid. Her eyes were a deep blue, warm and kind. "Jane Rizzoli? Can you please show me ID so I can confirm your identity?" Jane whipped her detective's badge off her belt, "Really?"
"Sorry, I have to ask. It's HIPAA constraints and I can only release patient information to family or legally designated people, and that would be you. Thank you."
Impatiently, her ire rising, Jane demanded, "Where is she? I have to see her, have to see her now. Tell me how she is." She paused and asked the question she was dreading to have answered, bracing herself for the reply as she searched the doctor's face, "Does she have Ebola?"
"Come with me, please, Detective Rizzoli. I'll explain what we know so far."
Jane spoke distractedly as she followed the doctor to the small room she had indicated. "Jane, call me Jane."
She sat where instructed though her tension was evident in her stiff posture and wildly tapping foot. The doctor sat across from her. She spoke patiently, "I know how hard this is, Jane, but I need you to take a breath and focus on what I'm going to tell you. Can you do that?"
Jane answered curtly, "Yes!" Her anxiety was barely contained as tension consumed her. "Would you please just tell me what is going on with Maura? Now, please." A balled fist hit the table lightly.
Dr. Phillips spoke in a clear, measured voice, "Dr. Isles came in a few hours ago by ambulance and we've been working on her since she arrived. She became ill in Sierra Leone and was immediately moved into isolation there. They drew blood and performed serological testing through the labs at the central facility there. That takes days to process."
Jane froze when she heard the next words from the doctor. "It was assumed that she had been exposed and had come down with Ebola. Before they had received the results of the lab work, they arranged transportation over the last days from Sierra Leone to Germany. From there, she was Med-evac'ed out by air to get her here for treatment as quickly as possible."
The doctor had seen the fear deepening in Jane's eyes while she listened. "We've gotten those test results in the last hours and Jane, she is negative for the antibodies that indicate a hemorrhagic infection."
Jane released the breath she had been holding, releasing a cascade of tears that were quickly wiped away, as her body relaxed the tiniest bit. "Are you telling me that she doesn't have Ebola? That's really, really good news isn't it? She's not going to die?"
Dr. Phillips smiled slightly and continued, "Yes, let me reassure you that this is fantastic news. But I need to be perfectly clear. She is not out of the woods. She is seriously ill. Stress and fatigue were probably a compounding factor in the quick onset of the illness she does have. She has come down with malaria. She's exhibiting classic symptoms. We think she was probably bitten by a mosquito carrying the malaria parasite in the last weeks. It's common in the area where she was. She's tested positive and we're running blood smears to confirm that she has it. We're checking to make sure her liver has not been impaired and that she has not developed anemia in response to the malaria, which would seriously impact her recovery."
Seeing Jane's fisted hand began to relax, Dr. Phillips continued, "Let me reassure you, Jane. This is a very serious illness but recoverable. We've started treating her with the appropriate medications and those will continue over the next 5 - 7 days here in the hospital, depending on how well she reacts. Her symptoms should improve rapidly. Her fever has already started to come down slightly, though it may come and go."
"We've just moved Dr. Isles out of isolation and to our standard ICU unit. I barely had time to get out of this protective suit when you showed up. She's being closely watched and monitored on a continual basis. You'll see IVs and a lot of monitors around her. Don't let them scare you."
"I know all about that stuff, been here a few times myself." Jane said, remembering the disorientation and frustration of feeling so weak and out of control. Maura had anchored her, staying with her.
"You can be with her. Malaria is not contagious; you can't catch it from her. It will help her immensely to have human contact and to have someone who cares about her with her. Talk to her, reassure her, let her know you are there. She's been through a terrifying experience. Right now, she's moving gradually toward consciousness. We want her to sleep as much as possible, get her rehydrated and nourished, and treat the malaria as aggressively as we can. Any questions I can answer for you right now?"
Jane had calmed while she listened, starting to come down from the frenzy she had been in when she had barreled into the hospital. "Will she really be ok?"
"Yes, the probability of that is extremely high but… it will take some time."
"Ok, I'm sure I'll have more questions but for now can you just take me to her?" She said as she stood.
Dr. Phillips stood gesturing to the door, "Yes, of course, come with me, Jane"
The doctor led her through the corridor, introducing her briefly to the nursing staff. She stopped at the door of Maura's glass enclosed room. "I'll give you some time with her and be back soon."
Jane hesitated at the door, overwhelmed, those tears flowing freely again. Maura appeared so diminished, thin and pale, the golden luster of her hair dulled, lying in the hospital bed with her head elevated at a slight angle. The room was filled with the beep of a heart monitor, and the quiet hum of the various monitors. Leads disappeared beneath the blankets, an IV ran into the back of her hand, while a med pump blinked beside the bed. Jane remembered the irritating feel of the nasal cannula that was delivering much needed oxygen.
She moved into the room, pulling the chair as close as she could to the bed and sat, bowing her head for a moment to catch her breath and collect herself, wiping away irrepressible tears. Looking up, she reached and gingerly took Maura's hand in her own. She watched the rise and fall of her chest, each breath precious, feeling the rhythm of her pulse and the warmth of her skin beneath her fingertips.
Her voice was low and gentle when she spoke. "Maura, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, whatever it takes. You must have been so scared and felt so alone." She took a shaky breath and her voice quavered as she continued. "You're safe, I'm here. I'm not going to let anything hurt you anymore." She stood and leaned forward, kissing her forehead with the barest brush of her lips, aware of the hot skin beneath them and whispered, "I'm right here with you." She settled back wrapping her hand around Maura's once again, relief flooding through her as the reality of the living, breathing woman hit her. She was still shaky from the adrenaline rush that had driven her to Maura's side and settled in for what she knew would be a long watch.
~~.~~
Maura stirred restlessly, on the edge of consciousness, moaning softly with her movement, close to waking. Flashes of the last days paraded through her mind, a set of best-forgotten polaroids. She could remember her team mates entering her room in their protective gear, checking her over, starting the evaluation process then transferring her to the patients' isolation section. The prick of blood being drawn. An IV pushing electrolytes. An oxygen mask covering her face as they tried to do everything they could to support her body in its struggle. Voices reassured and reminded her she was not alone. She was burning up with fever and in such pain. Then she was on a gurney still contained in an isolation system, moving down a hallway, blurry fluorescent lights flashing by overhead. The gurney being bumped while being loaded on a plane. Things faded until she heard the painful sound of an ambulance's siren while she was rushed to where she was now lying.
She faded away back into sleep, the memories fading, hearing a low, familiar voice reassuring her that she was safe and being cared for, feeling the warmth of a hand holding hers. Hours later, Maura became slowly aware, barely opening her eyes to a dim hospital room. A weight rested on her lap and she blinked fuzzily to see a hand resting there. Scanning up the arm attached to that hand, she saw a fall of dark curls where someone had fallen asleep with their head on the bed. Slowly, she lifted her hand and partly buried it in the edge of the dark mass, whispering, "Jane, my Jane." She shifted with a pain-filled catch of her breath.
Her movement woke Jane. Startled, Jane lifted her head. "Maura? You awake?" She lifted the hand close to her and tenderly kissed it. "Don't talk, I'm right here with you. You need to go back to sleep. I'll be here when you wake. I'm not going anywhere."
Jane felt the slightest pressure as her hand was gripped lightly and watched Maura's eyes blearily close. The grip on her hand relaxed, fingers releasing while Maura slipped away into a more restful sleep.
~~.~~
Over the next days, Maura slowly began to recover. The fever came down and the general malaise was subsiding. Her color was returning. Her tolerance for the medications was high, which accelerated her healing. Jane was constantly with her, protectively watching as the physicians and nursing staff came and went, monitoring her progress. Friends were allowed in one at a time to sit with her briefly. Angela stopped by each day with clothes for Jane and night clothes for Maura, ready for when she was allowed to wear them, and of course, food. Despite her mother's efforts to get her to go home and rest, Jane refused.
By the third day, Maura was spending as much time awake as asleep, though her sleep was agitated if Jane's hand was not holding hers. Maura's conversation with Dr. Phillips had been eye opening. She had been reassured immediately that she was free of the Ebola virus, which she had deduced since she was not in an isolation ward. The diagnosis of malaria surprised her. She quickly realized that she had made an assumption of her own immunity from her previous work in Africa, and had not been vigilant about taking her anti-malarial meds regularly due to the distraction and intensity of the work environment.
She told Jane later that afternoon, "Plasmodium vivax most likely, carried by the female mosquito of the genus Anopheles."
Jane rolled her eyes. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand…she's back. Leave it to you to know the exact name of the bug that got you so sick."
"Not a bug, a micro-organism," Maura continued distractedly. "We used nets to sleep when we were at the field camps but there were times we needed to be out in the evenings. The mosquitos were voracious. I know I was bitten just like everyone else. It was unavoidable. But we just kept working."
"Well, at least your liver is fine. Dr. Phillips did mention that you are borderline anemic, but thinks that is probably not due to the malaria. She said we can treat that with dietary changes." Jane grinned brattily. "You know what that means, don't'cha Maura? Red meat! Enough with the tofu and the kale already."
Maura shot her a weakly indignant look. "Jane, not so fast! There are so very many iron rich foods besides red meat. Yes, to kale and spinach, oatmeal, soy yogurt, fish, and of course, red meat, and your favorite, tofu. Also, Vitamin C, mildly acidic to facilitate absorption of the iron. We're not going to live on steak for the rest of our lives, sorry to disappoint you."
Maura heard Jane groan and laugh nervously, dark eyes flitting away from hers as she whined, "Ah, c'mon. Maur. A burger now and then is not going to hurt you. You always steal bites of mine…and my fries."
Maura caught herself. Had she just said, 'the rest of our lives'? Avoiding the awkwardness of the moment, she blinked and covered her mouth to hide a yawn. "Ok, I will concede that an occasional burger is in my future. Sorry, I'm fading quickly. I think a nap before dinner is called for." She reached for Jane's hand. "Stay with me, please."
Jane leaned back in the bedside chair and wrapped her hand around Maura's watching her eyes close. "Always, Maura, always."
~~.~~
By the end of the next day, they knew that Maura would be released to go home within the next 24 hours if she was cleared by Dr. Phillips, and as long as someone was with her. Jane had immediately volunteered, calling Korsak to let him know she was taking an extended leave.
Maura had been bathed and allowed to change into her own nightgown by the nursing staff. She sighed with relief at the feel of wearable fabric against her skin after days of polyester. She was starting to feel vaguely human again. She also knew it was time to have that talk with Jane. Contemplatively, she looked over at the woman sitting next to her, busy perusing the internet on her tablet.
Jane looked up at her intently. "Your work there seems to have had a positive effect from the last numbers. I hope it was worth it." She set her tablet down on the bedside table. "Maura, you scared me to death. I hope you never do anything like this again, at least not without talking to me." Reaching over to take Maura's hand, she continued, "I was afraid that I would never see you again. Never, ever do that to me again."
Maura felt the intensity of Jane's emotions in the tightness of her grip. "Jane, I'm sorry I scared you. I just had to do this." She paused and hesitated before continuing, "And I've reached some decisions. I need to share those with you." She raised the head of the bed and patted the empty space beside her, Jane's side. "Come here… please sit next to me. There's room and I need you closer."
"Are you sure, Maura? That is a pretty small bed and a pretty tight fit for the two of us. I don't want to hurt you."
Maura's voice softly pleaded, "Yes, Jane, I'm sure. Having you next to me is not something that is ever going to hurt me."
Alarmed by the serious tone of Maura's voice, Jane carefully settled next to her, moving stiffly from nights spent on a bedside cot, trying to get comfortable and not crowd Maura at the same time. "Well …here I am.", she said nervously.
Maura entwined her fingers with Jane's left hand, ready to say what she had to share. "Jane, there are things I need to let you know, things I should have said to you a long time ago but was too afraid …." As she spoke, she turned over their interlocked hands. Her voice trailed off and she paused, releasing her hold on Jane's hand before tracing a fingertip over the shadowy line on the inside of Jane's wrist that peeked out from the cuff of her shirt. Totally distracted from her original intention, she asked, "What is this?" She tried to rub the darkness away, thinking it was some dirt or an ink mark from a pen. "And why are you wearing long sleeves?"
Puzzled, she looked up into Jane's eyes and then back down at her wrist, her pupils flaring larger when the mark did not rub off. "Is that a tattoo? I thought you did not believe in tattoos?" She asked with astonishment.
Jane sat quietly for a few seconds before stating in a measured low tone, "You're not the only one that has things to share, Maur. And I'm just going to go ahead and say them. Just listen, ok? Let me say this."
Maura hesitated, completely thrown off by the turn of events. This was not exactly how she had planned this out in her head. Things seemed to have galloped quickly out of her control. She took a deep breath, surrendering to the circumstances and said warily, "Ok, Jane. I'm listening."
Words rushed out as Jane started speaking rapidly. "Maura, you know that I love you, always have, ya know, right? The friend thing? But that is not all there is to that. But you also know how horrible I am with words when I try to express my feelings. If anything, I run the other way as fast as I can." She sighed, gently twining her fingers with Maura's once again before continuing. "I'm sorry if I hurt you with that." She paused thinking back to the distance of the last few months before continuing. "I know I have hurt you with my distance, my running. I was afraid of what this all meant, what you meant to me." Jane's eyes darted to Maura's, trying to judge her reaction.
Maura shifted on to her side to better see Jane's face, to hear what she had feared would never be expressed. She moved closer, hanging on every word. "I hear you, Jane", she said quietly, lightly squeezing the fingers twined with hers for emphasis.
Jane continued, shifting uneasily, staring down at their joined hands. "When you left, I was so terrified by what could happen. I knew there was the possibility that I would never see you again and that was just not ok. I'm sorry it took all this for me to realize that I cannot live without you." She took a deep breath. "I know that I love you with all that I am, not that I think I deserve your love, but you have mine. All of who I am is yours. It's that simple. I can't go through something like this ever again. Losing you would destroy me. I know that now."
She looked closely at Maura, and saw tears gathering in her eyes. Her voice slowed as she continued, "Ah Maur, don't cry. Please? This is a good thing, isn't it? Remember the paragraph you wrote for me and the note you left when you took off for Ebola land? I held on to it and read it every day just like you said, trying to keep you close. I know you'll call it magical thinking, but I thought it would anchor you here to me and bring you home safely." She laughed faintly. "I needed to believe that, to hold on to it. The alternative was just something impossible." Her eyes filled with the shimmer of tears as she spoke.
Maura started to speak but Jane interrupted her, raising a finger to her lips. "You need to let me finish, Maur." Maura kissed that fingertip and quieted, listening as deeply as she possibly could, absorbing every word.
Jane brusquely used the back of one hand to wipe away tears and cleared her throat. "Ya see, as I kept thinking, I knew I needed to answer you. I spent hours trying to do that, trying to write something down, crumbling up paper into balls, struggling to find words that expressed all that you mean to me. It took a long time, but I finally found the right one."
With that, Jane slowly unbuttoned the cuff and rolled up her shirt's full length sleeve until it was up above her elbow, exposing her forearm. A single word emerged tattooed in blue-black ink, etched in a graceful script mimicking Maura's flowing handwriting. Jane's husky voice was clear as she said, "You see, Maur, all those other words came down to this. You are simply…everything…to me. Everything."
Maura inhaled sharply as the tattoo was fully displayed, not able to speak. She traced the flow of ink over the soft skin of the inside of Jane's toned forearm, first with her eyes, then tentatively with her fingertips, the tattoo still new and slightly raised to her touch. The word, Everything, stretched across ten inches of skin with the ending G curling into an extended tail that finished in a swirling infinity symbol that lay parallel to Jane's wrist.
"It had to be on this arm 'cause this is my dominant hand and I'll see it there all the time. The tattoo artist warned me that this was going to hurt 'cause of where I wanted to put it. Lots of nerves, ya know? Well, of course you know." Jane laughed ironically, her eyes scanning the tattoo. "I needed to feel this."
Jane raised her eyes from the tattoo and gave Maura the softest glimmer of a shy, vulnerable smile. At the same time, she lifted her other arm around Maura's shoulders and pulled her closer into her side, kissing her forehead as she murmured hopefully, "So, yes….?"
Maura fit herself into the curl of Jane's warmth, knowing that this was where she belonged. Her heart singing, she brought the velvety inside of Jane's wrist to her lips, the warm pulse full of life bounding just below the surface. With immeasurable tenderness, she kissed the gracefully looping Möbius strip embedded in Jane's skin, a promise of infinite love, letting her lips linger before circling the wrist, her hand wrapping around, holding on.
Her head settled onto Jane's shoulder and she sighed softly knowing this was home. She cleared her throat, struggling to release her own words and whispered, "Yes…. forever yes, love…and you are mine…."
~~~.~~~
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