In a place with no humanity, try to be human (Hillel, 1st century CE)
As the computer announced 'Seven hundred hours' in a frustratingly upbeat voice, she awoke from confused subconscious images of swimming stars and a jolting starship, pulling her way back through blurry nebulae to the rising automatic lighting of her quarters signaling morning. Her head felt heavy as she opened her eyes, sensing that something here was not as usual. As she blinked, the shadow just visible through the doorway became a familiar outline. Chakotay. His back to her, kneeling motionless by the table, on which he'd placed a small stone that she'd picked up at the last moment before they beamed up from New Earth.
Half a smile spread over her lips. During those first days on New Earth, she had at first been surprised and amused that her easy-going first officer took the meditation practice that he had learned from Tuvok aboard the Maquis vessel so seriously, lightly teasing him about his rigid dedication to sitting, come what may, first thing each morning. Later, as she came to understand the scars her friend carried, she developed a respect, even envy, for the way that uncomplicated spirituality helped him to subdue the battles of his mind.
Pulling on a sweater, Janeway moved over to the couch. A warm pot of coffee and a cup was waiting on the table. So typical of Chakotay to think of her. As she curled her hands around the cup and her eyes fell upon the motionless figure sitting in front of her, yesterday's events came flooding back into her mind. The nervous expectation as she gave the order on the bridge to engage the slipstream drive.
As Voyager began to accelerate, she had allowed herself to begin composing in her head the message she would relay to Starfleet Command as Voyager re-entered the Alpha Quadrant. She had gripped the arms of her seat in anticipation as Tom entered Harry's phase corrections, then released the grip and breathed more freely as the variance subsided. A second set of corrections, but this time suddenly the ship bucked and the alert lights went on as they were thrown back into normal space. Calculations, triangulations, searching then relief that the Delta Flyer was still just ahead of them then the cold realization, first that they were still decades from the Alpha Quadrant, and later, that Voyager had only survived through some reckless actions that she barely understood of a future Harry and Chakotay.
She had kept a brave face, of course. Congratulated the crew that they were ten years closer to home, and given them a free evening for recreation. She had joined them in the mess hall, trying to focus and laugh along as Paris teased Harry about his future-heroic self and B'Elanna acerbically offered Seven a glass of champagne, but after an hour, pleading a headache, she returned to her quarters… and broke down.
How long had she been sitting there when the doorbell chimed into her thoughts? 'Come', she said, out of habit, and the door swished open. 'Kathryn? I just wanted to check…' said Chakotay's voice as he walked towards her, falling silent as he rounded the corner and saw her hunched shoulders and the tears rolling down her cheeks. Soundlessly, he sat down next to her and took her shaking hand, warming it in his. They sat quietly for a long time, the silence only broken by her hiccups and tears, then gradually the words came.
'A hundred and fifty dead… We were dead… Because of my command… I wanted it so much that I was blind with hope…'
Her body shook with tears as she turned towards her friend.
'Chakotay – I can't… How many more years of this?... How many more times will I get their hopes up?... How many more times will I blindly endanger lives?...'
As her voice faded out, Chakotay stayed silent, rubbing her hand between his own as she bent over again in tears—and weighing his next words. Who was he to offer advice to a broken starship captain?
'Kathryn…'he began quietly, as her sobs subsided.
'Kathryn, you may be the finest starship captain I know, but you're only human. You're carrying four years and thousands of light years on your back.'
Through tears she raised her voice: 'Yes, but YOU manage. You keep calm, while I…'
Chakotay let her hand drop and turned to face her, his voice now firm and terse.
'Kathryn. I'm going to tell you something I didn't dare admit before, barely even to myself. I told you a nice story on New Earth. But do you know why the Maquis captain really put on the Starfleet uniform so quickly, the one that he had resigned just a few years before? Because secretly I was relieved. I had lost good comrades again and again, and seen my father blown into galactic dust together with my home colony. To hell with the Delta Quadrant – joining you meant that someone else would make those command decisions, decide who will live and who will die. And in truth, as I watched my ship go up in flames I envied you. The Starfleet brat in your first command, wearing a uniform that had never betrayed you, with a perfect family to come home to. You somehow seemed to hold things together, embracing every day as it came and fighting to get home, while I fought… to keep the darkness at bay.'
She raised her head slowly and studied her friend's face, recognizing for the first time a dark furrow above those twinkling eyes.
'The scream in the night…'.
It was a long time since she had thought about the incident, but it slowly came back to her. New Earth, one of the first nights they slept in the shelter. She had awoken sharply to a terrible scream; in the dim light she saw a shadow moving on the wall. Grabbing a phaser from the table she had jumped across the room, lowering the phaser as she saw Chakotay tossing in his bed, drenched in sweat and shouting, 'No! Leave her!'
She had run over to his side, crouched down and laid a hand on his shoulder. 'Chakotay…' He had grabbed her wrist as he turned towards her, then relaxed his grip as he opened his eyes and saw Kathryn's face above him. 'Sorry, a bad dream.' 'Sounds like more than a bad dream, Chakotay. Do you want to talk about it?' 'I'm OK, I need to sleep. Thanks, Kathryn', he said as he turned his face back into the pillow. The next morning he had resolutely avoided her gaze, meditating for longer than usual before heading out into the forest, where she heard the heavy sounds of his axe chopping wood.
'Yes' he said. 'I tried to bury the darkness in meditation, in the forest, in games of Velocity, and it faded slowly, but the Vori, species 8472, the terrible news from Starfleet, they all brought it back... Kathryn, these past four years have been difficult for all of us.'
She turned towards him, saying slowly. 'I've been running for years. Running from myself, and from my crew. Hiding behind my uniform and title, and running from admitting that we're stuck in the Delta Quadrant.' She hesitated, 'And running from…' She took Chakotay's hand; he felt a bolt of electricity as she interlaced her fingers with his and moved her thumb across his palm, but he pushed the feeling aside, freed his hand and embraced her in his arms. As she buried her face in his chest, he gently pressed his lips to her hair.
'Kathryn, I know, but not tonight. You're exhausted, it's been a long day and we both need to sleep.'
She began to shake again, and he tightened his embrace. 'I'll be here for you tonight.' She dimly remembered walking across the room, changing into pyjamas and then tumbling exhausted into bed, falling asleep in the quiet awareness of Chakotay pulling up a chair to sit beside her.
And here he was in front of her now, his slow breathing and calm face betraying little of the previous night. He must have slept on the couch. What time had it been? She felt guilty at not having offered him so much as a blanket. Drinking the last of the coffee, she stretched her legs and walked towards the bathroom. Half an hour until she was due on the bridge. As the sonic shower washed over her she felt strength gradually return to her muscles. When she stepped back into the room, Chakotay was gone. Somewhat relieved that their inevitable conversation could wait for later, Janeway pulled on her uniform, ran a brush through her hair, and strode out of her quarters towards the waiting turbolift.