A/N: I... wow, okay.
This is... angsty. It's the most angsty thing I've ever written and it took forever to write because I cried so much whenever I sat down to type and.. yeah.
The song used is Some Die Young, by Laleh. It's amazing and terribly sad and I always cry when I listen to it. In case anyone wants to listen to it: /watch?v=L-bxuRKbFLk
This contains a lot of trigger warnings. There will be character death, so read with caution, dear readers. If it triggers you, please don't read. xx
Some Die Young
For years he has dreamt about being here - looking over that edge, only barely making out the tiny figures beneath. He had it all planned out. The wind roaring in his ears, his eyes watering not with tears of sadness but because of the fierce wind. No tears would be necessary, because he had made his decision, and it would be a relief, not a sorrow. He would take his time to admire the beautiful view – because he would know that he would never get to see it ever again. He would slowly, slowly make his way further out on the ledge, until his toes are dangling in the air and the only thing keeping him up is his body weight pushing him backwards. One tiny inclination forwards and he would fall.
Fall and fall and fall and fall. It would never end.
Only that it would.
Of course it would. Life, as everything else, has an end. And he would use his last ounce of control to make sure his end wasn't at the hands of his tormentors. It would be his own decision, and only his.
He would stand there on the ledge, looking down, knowing that in just a few short seconds his life would be over for ever. No more pain, no more terror.
Despite knowing it had to end, the fall really would seem to go on forever. It would be just bliss – pure bliss. The knowledge that he would finally be free, finally rid of everything holding him back. Don't ever look back.
He would finally be at peace. He would feel like a baby bird who finally dares to spread his wings and fly off to freedom. And when the impact of the pavement comes, he would barely feel it. Adrenalin would be pumping him numb and it would all be over before he knows it.
He has dreamt about it for years, and now, in this very second, it is here. Finally.
Only he isn't celebrating it. He doesn't feel relief.
He is chickening out.
The sobs wrecking through Kurt Hummel's body are so strong, so undeniably forceful, he can't bare to stand up any longer. His head is spinning violently and he is sure he will throw up if he remains there for much longer.
With a loud thump, he falls backwards onto the cold roof. He is still close to the edge now, with his back pressed against the ten inches worth of concrete separating him and the empty nothingness beyond it.
He had just been about to take that step, leap out into the pitch-black night, when something had stopped him. He had chickened out, and instead jumped off the ledge to the safety of the roof.
He curls up into himself, pulls his legs up against his stomach and wraps his thin arms around himself. He has become thinner and thinner these last few months, and now he is almost unrecognizable.
The thinness has done nothing for his self-hatred, though. It is still there, clear as ever, cutting into his skin and clawing at his insides.
He closes his eyes and focuses on just breathing.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Calm is settling into him once more, spreading through his body like venom, steeling him. It is like putting on an armour, he thinks; the cold steel shielding him from the world, from the people he will be leaving behind and the experiences he will never get to have.
Panic hits him again and he starts to shake all over, jerking from side to side, his eyes still firmly closed.
Unconsciously, his hand goes up to his neck and he can feel the hot, raw skin there. The colorful bruises covers most parts of his body, but the ones on his neck are the most recent and the most nasty looking.
He lets the tips of his fingers linger for a moment and then, as he trails his hand down his arm, he feels the marks that hasn't been put there by bullies, but the ones he has inflicted himself – the red, ugly scars that he both loves and hates. He almost smiles to himself, then.
Never again will he have to be afraid of going through those halls. Never will he fear for his life when he walks down a street hand in hand with-
No. That is forbidden territory. He can not be part of his thoughts right now, because then his defenses will crumble again and he will leave the roof whole and alive, and that is not the plan. It has happened too many times in the past, and he won't let it happen this time.
He has already said his goodbyes – or written them, at least. They lie on his bed, neatly folded and addressed to the receivers in his perfected handwriting.
It is the perfect goodbye. No blood for them to see. Just his last words, forever printed onto those pieces of paper, which they can keep with them, and he will never truly leave them.
A pang of pain soars through him as images of his loved ones dance on his closed eyelids. He can see them all so clear, it is as if they are actually there beside him. His dad, stepbrother, stepmom, all his friends... his boyfriend. His Blaine.
He isn't sure who is the hardest to leave behind. His dad, maybe.
He will be devastated – they all will. But Kurt is sure this is better for everyone. They will mourn him for a while, move on and be happy again. His family will find support in each other, and his boyfriend will be welcomed to mourn there, too. He has always been as good as their son. Ever since Kurt introduced Blaine to his family, they knew that Blaine Anderson was The One, the one who in time would make Kurt his husband and who they would get to call son-in-law. They simply skipped the formalities and treated Blaine as a second son from the start instead of waiting for proposals and weddings, knowing for sure him and Kurt would last forever.
But now Kurt will never get the chance to marry Blaine and have forever with him, like they've planned.
Kurt could have never left him if he hadn't known that his family would take care of his Blaine when he was gone. He's confident that Blaine is everything good in the homophobic, horrible world they're unfortunate enough to live in. He deserves to much better than what Kurt can offer him.
Kurt can't stand the thought of hurting him, yet he knows that Kurt finally surrendering to his inner demons will hurt him like nothing else. But it has to be done, he tells himself. Only then will Blaine be able to move on and truly be happy. With someone else.
The thought burns and claws at his heart, but he forces himself to swallow the bile rising in his throat. He must let go of Blaine, must let him find another, if he wants him to be happy.
Blaine's happiness is what has kept him alive for the past few years, after all. But now it is no longer enough.
Kurt is no longer enough.
It is for the best. It is.
And, Kurt will get to see his mom again. And his beloved cat that died around the same time as his mom, and all those relatives he never got the chance to meet.
Yes, he will be happy, too.
It is just the matter of actually going through with it now.
He has been depressed for years, but somehow he has clung to life up until now. There has always been reasons to stick around. There are still reasons, of course.
But this time the effort it takes to get up in the morning simply outweighs the small joys he has left in life. He is always sad.
And even when he isn't completely depressed – like when he is in Blaine's arms, and they are kissing and he feels so impossibly loved and everything is close to perfect... even then he would just ruin everything with his doubts. He would think about how unworthy he was of Blaine's love, how Blainecould do so much better than Kurt. And sometimes he would voice these concerns, and it would start up a fight during which his perfect soulmate would cry and scream and beg him to stop saying that, because he just gets so frustrated whenever Kurt implies that Blaine doesn't love him.
"I would do anything for you, Kurt! Anything! I love you so much, you are my everything, I can't breathe without you! How can you doubt that? Don't you see how much I love you?" he would scream. He would scream himself hoarse and he would cry until there were no tears left, and Kurt would be in so much pain because he was in pain and it was all Kurt's fault. So he would pretend to let go of his insecurities and he would pretend that he knew that their love was mutual, but the truth of the matter is that he has never truly believed it.
A cool night breeze brushing over his face sweeps him back to reality. He gingerly gets to his feet, once again stepping up onto the ledge. He inches closer to the edge, his toes only just dipping out from the safety of the roof.
He raises his gaze and looks out at the city lights spread out before him.
Slowly, oh so slowly, he looks down. The traffic is busy down there, although not too many people are walking the streets. Perfect.
He takes a deep breath to steel himself.
Yes, he is ready. He is finally ready.
The muscles in his leg has only just tensed in anticipation of taking that last step when he hears a loud sound of impact behind him.
He wheels around, his eyes widened in panic. The roof door slams open and in the door frame stands no other than-
"Blaine..."
The name leaves his lips before he can help himself. No, no, no. Why is he here?
"Kurt!"
Blaine's voice is cracked and he only barely manages to make a sound at all.
He rushes over to where Kurt is standing, his leg still tensed and ready.
"Kurt, please, baby, get down from there," Blaine urges, looking absolutely terrified.
"Don't come closer," Kurt whispers, his voice cracked with sorrow. "Blaine, please, go back... I have to... I..."
"No! Kurt, you don't! Kurt, please, just come down, please, just-"
Blaine takes a tentative step forward and Kurt lets out a noise somewhere in between a growl and a squeak.
"Don't come closer!" he repeats, with more heat than before. "You can't see this, you... you won't move on..."
"I won't move on either fucking way, Kurt!" Blaine suddenly screams. Tears are flowing from his gorgeous, perfect eyes that are filled with such raw panic. Kurt heart clenches painfully at the sight. As usual, he doesn't cause Blaine anything else than pain. "I won't ever love anyone else! Don't you get it? You are the love of my life, Kurt, I... I can't... you can't l-leave me..."
Sobs breaks off his voice and he runs his hands through his hair. He gets stuck in the gel still holding his curls in place, and he angrily yanks his hand free of the stuff.
"Kurt please, just step down from there. You'll fall and-"
"I will jump, Blaine! I have to! I c-can't live like this, I'm so sad all the time. It's only bringing everyone else down too! D-don't you understand this is... i-it's the only way," Kurt yells.
"I won't let you!" Blaine yells back, forcing himself closer to the edge despite Kurt's cry of protest. He manages to come close enough to grab hold of Kurt's hand. "I won't let you go without... without me."
Kurt is just about to leap when those words catches his attention. He snaps his head down to look at Blaine, who is standing just beneath him now, looking up at him with those eyes. So bright and pure and filled with love and it makes Kurt's chest tighten painfully.
"Blaine, you- no. You won't follow me, okay?"
Blaine chokes off a sob in the back of his throat, never breaking the eye contact with Kurt. "I h-have to. I can't live w-without you. I won't. You jump, I jump."
"I won't let you!" Kurt yells. "You still have a chance at happiness, I can't let... you'll be better off without me, you always were, and... and you'll find some better guy who-"
"Kurt, you're so fucking oblivious sometimes! I will never be happy without you. You're my whole fucking world, Kurt, and I won't live without you."
"Blaine, go! Just g-go and let me... let me do this..."
But Blaine is just as stubborn as him. Using the advantage of surprise, he uses his hold on Kurt's hand and yanks him down from the ledge.
Kurt screams right out, and the sound seems to shatter Blaine's ear drums, but he doesn't care. He grabs hold of Kurt, not sure what he's holding onto only that it is Kurt and that is good enough.
"I won't let you," he repeats firmly, forcing Kurt to meet his eye.
"I c-can't do this, Blaine," Kurt whispers, staring at his feet. "I c-cant. I just h-hurt so much, every day, and I love you so much but I... I just f-feel so worthless and you deserve the best and I..."
Blaine forcibly pulls him forward into a kiss. It's sloppy and unprecise but the point comes across either way.
Blaine cups Kurt's face in his hands and forces him to look at him again.
"R-remember that night, last October, when you wanted to die?" Blaine asks, his voice tense and, from experience, Kurt can tell just how hard he's fighting to keep it from breaking.
Kurt nods, shivering at the thought of that night. Blaine had only barely talked him out of it then.
"Remember what I said? What we listened to?" Blaine continues. Kurt gives another weak nod.
The song immediately fills his head, the lyrics roaring in his ears and the beat punching the air out of him.
Blaine's eyes bore into his as his cracked voice tries to sing, although it comes out more like a sob than anything else. "Don't let me go. We said we would die together."
The words stings, and they hurt so badly. He wants Blaine to live on, to be happy again. That's all he has ever wanted.
Kurt can now just see Blaine's lips moving, but he doesn't hear his current sob-wrecked voice. Instead he hears the one year younger Blaine, softly singing him to sleep that night when he had saved his life.
Some die young
But you better hold on
So many things I need to say to you
Kurt's own tears are spilling over now, too. He clutches onto Blaine as if clinging for his life, which he kind of is.
He presses their lips together again, making it long and deep. He needs to feel Blaine one more time, taste him one last time. And he does.
Blaine's eyes are closed, his body limp against Kurt's own as Kurt is the one holding him now.
"I love you so, so much. Please, try to be happy. For me."
And before Blaine can respond, Kurt pushes him backwards and leaps back onto the ledge. Without looking back, he jumps.
I will tell your story if you die
I will tell your story and keep you alive
The best I can
I will tell them to the children
If we have some
If we have some
As he is falling, he can only form one coherent thought: It was true what they said. When facing death, life really does pass before your eyes.
But instead of bullies and blood and bruises, he sees Blaine. Blaine's eyes, hands, arms, curls – everything. It's so perfectly detailed, as if he could reach out and touch him.
Brief images of his family and friends pass through his mind, but they are no where near as clear as the image of Blaine.
Something crashes into his body and he thinks it must be the pavement – finally.
Only it isn't the pavement at all. Arms – strong, firm, familiar arms – wrap protectively around him and the falling just goes on. It feels much slower now, though, and through his watery eyes he can make out a ruffled head of hair pressed into his face.
He wants to turn them around, have Kurt land first and Blaine on top of him, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore.
Neither of them will survive and they both know it.
So he just clings tighter to Blaine, wrapping his arms around him and clinging to whatever parts of him he can reach, and buries his face deeper in Blaine's hair.
Neither one even feels it when they finally hit the ground.
Some die young, but you better hold on
So many things I need to say to you
Please don't
Don't let me go
And we said we would die together
And mere ten minutes away, the entire Hummel-Hudson household is fast asleep. Finn is comfortably snuggled up with his favorite pillow, happily dreaming of his girlfriend Rachel and the date she revealed they would be going on that very weekend.
In the next room, Burt and Carole are wrapped up around each other, Burt's loud snores filling the room but not disturbing his wife. She has long since learnt how to sleep through his snores.
The night is quiet and peaceful, and neither one of the three knows what the morning will hold for them.
They don't know that the police will wake them in an hour, telling them their son and brother has been found splattered across a pavement along with his boyfriend, and that it is most likely suicide but that they will investigate the cause of death just in case.
They don't know that Finn won't be laughing away with Rachel at that romantic cabin she had booked for them that weekend, because he will be crying his eyes out at the funeral of the boy who more than anyone taught him how to be a man. And years from now, there will still be nights when they wake up, covered in sweat, screaming out the name of the boy the world will never forget.
But they know none of these things yet.
They will just sleep on, and later they will wake to a world of chaos where everything they know will be forever turned upside down, and they won't know how to handle themselves, because the boy they love and admire most of all, are forever gone and neither he nor his soulmate will ever come back.
Please don't, don't let me go
And we said we would die together
A/N: I wrote this several months ago and I've been meaning to post it several times but each time I tried to read through it I just cried so much I couldn't check everything properly so I just put it off. And every time I read through it I'm so, so, so tempted to just erase the last part and re-write it so Blaine saves him and they go back home and fall asleep in each other's arms. But I think it's better this way.
Wow I just get so emotional about this. I'm going to shut up now.