So Hard to Find Good Help These Days
Cid was in his happy place, the upper half of his body beneath a console of wires and panels, expertly adjusting and tweaking various settings until they met his obsessive standards. Now, after replacing one last panel cover, all he needed was his favorite wrench to tighten the bolts, and this section of the new Tiny Bronco would be complete.
"Wrench!" he called out, shoving his hand in the general direction of his newest assistant. He waited a few moments, then assumed he hadn't been heard with his head so far up the plane's ass. "WRENCH!" he tried again, much louder, making grabbing gestures with his outstretched hand, waiting for the solid metal tool to be placed into it. But still, nothing happened.
"God dammit, are you fucking deaf?" Cid exclaimed, sliding his upper body out from beneath the console and wiping a greasy hand across his brow, removing some of the sweat but leaving a dark streak in its place. "RENO!"
"Huh?" Reno jumped a bit, looking up from the PHS in his hand as if he had forgotten where he was.
"I swear to fucking god, you are the most USELESS, lazy, worthless assistant I have ever worked with!"
"Haha!" Reno laughed, starting to feverishly text something on the PHS he wasn't even supposed to have.
"Son of a!" Cid climbed stiffly to his feet, then stormed across the small plane cabin and yanked the device out of Reno's hand. "What the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be assisting me! All I asked you to do was sit there and hand me my fucking tools!"
"Oh, yeah. Sorry," Reno shrugged, frowning at the loss of his entertainment and lighting up a cigarette. Cid was about to scold him for smoking in a work area, but it looked like such a great idea that he stopped his tirade and lit one up, too. Fuck the 'No Smoking' sign that was posted less than a foot away. Not even months of Shera's bitching had been able to inspire him to lay off the cancer sticks. And if THIS was the sort of help he was going to get around here, he probably never would. Maybe he would get lucky and die soon.
"You said you were good with tools, asshole," Cid snorted, looking down at where Reno was still sitting stretched out on the floor, leaning back against the wall as relaxed as could be. All of the actual seating had been removed from the small plane so they could access everything more easily while it was being repaired, and the former Turk seemed to think it was his personal lounge for the day.
"I said I worked on my motorcycle some," Reno said, sighing heavily as he thought of his baby sitting locked up in a hanger somewhere on the base, his access to it denied. "But I'd say a lot of things to avoid being put back on 'City Beautification' detail." Reno snickered at Cid's frown, happily stretching out his legs and taking a long drag of his cigarette. "Come on, can you blame me? Look at the picture Rude just sent me!" He pointed toward the small device Cid had just taken from him.
Cid took the bait and looked down at the PHS. Sure enough, Aeris' PHS had recently sent him a photo. These fucking Turks are really good at getting a hold of shit they shouldn't have, he thought to himself, wondering if he ought to mention that next time he saw Cloud. Cid clicked to open the image, and regretted it immediately. "Oh shit, what the hell is that?" he exclaimed, horrified but unable to look away.
"Rude said it's a dead body, but… I dunno, I just see some kind of sludge pile and a few dead fish?"
Cid squinted at the image. It was definitely their disgusting, polluted beach, all right. In the photo, Tseng was cautiously poking the… something… with a long stick. He almost didn't recognize the former leader of the Turks out of his usual spotless suit, dressed in clothes that were so old and dirty that he looked homeless. Cid felt ill as he noticed the blob on the ground had a vaguely human shape. And were those shoes sticking out of it?
"Oh, sick…" he said, sufficiently nauseated. Shin-ra sure did make a mess of this place. Despite months of effort to clean up both the base and the town below, there was still tons of work to be done. The irony of former Shin-ra employees doing most of the dirty work was quite satisfying.
"So then. Now you see why I claimed to be a good mechanic when you said you needed another assistant," Reno said, sounding smug and rather proud of himself. "I could not take one more day of that. It smells like an ogre's toilet, and there is really creepy shit washing up all the time. Then after I'd get home, Pissy kept humping my shoes because they smelled like fish."
"….. Pissy?" Cid asked, though he really didn't care all that much who or what was interested in humping Reno.
"My cat," Reno said, sounding like a proud father for just a moment. "I'd show you a picture if I was allowed to have my own fucking PHS back." He rolled his eyes, looking down at his ankle monitoring bracelet with disgust.
"Oh, stop whining, you guys don't have it all that bad," Cid said. "Well… other than cleaning up the harbor, I guess."
Reno snorted. "Not me! I'm a fucking mechanic now!" He finished his cigarette, then stood and stretched lazily, confident his little white lie had paid off. "Now what was it you wanted? A wench…?"
"Oh, fucking forget it," Cid grumbled, bending to pick up the wrench for himself before kneeling down on the floor, preparing to slide beneath the front console of the plane again. "Just stay out of trouble for two damn minutes while I finish this, and then you can go get me lunch."
"Oooooh…." Reno said sarcastically, though he was actually starving and dying to get out of the claustrophobic flying coffin for a bit. "Don't tax my skills too hard, boss."
In reality, Cid did actually feel a bit sorry for the four former Turks. They had all been on their best and most cooperative behavior, even Reno (mostly), and they did turn themselves over voluntarily in exchange for sanctuary within the base. But they were still former Turks, and their true loyalties would always lay with each other first. It would take a good deal more before they could become trusted citizens of Junon Harbor, if ever.
"There," Cid announced a few moments later, emerging from beneath the panel and slowly getting back to his feet, his knees creaking audibly. "Fuck, I'm getting too old for this…"
"Hey, didn't you send that big dumbass to get you some parts like… forever ago?" Reno asked, absently fiddling with his hot pink nudey lighter. He wondered what was for lunch, hoping it was not from the seafood family.
"Ah shit!" Cid exclaimed, having totally forgotten about Barret while he was engrossed in his repairs and yelling at Reno. "I swear… I should just do everything my fucking self!" Cid kicked a piece of metal that was lying in the aisle, sending it clattering into the wall.
Reno started giggling, winning a glare from Cid. Somehow, he had gotten a hold of his PHS again and was back to texting. How the fuck did he do that?
"God dammit, GIVE ME THAT!" Cid swiped the device away again, unable to help but glance down at it. This time, a close-up of Aeris' cute little rear end as she was bent over filled the screen. "Holy shit," Cid mumbled, blushing a bit before he caught himself and tore his eyes away. "All right, smart ass, I am totally showing this to Sephiroth."
"Hahaha, too late!" Reno laughed, slapping his thigh and doubling over a bit. "I already forwarded it to him!"
"You… what? You… You guys are… " Cid was at a loss for words, but one more look at Reno's red face and tear-filled eyes sent him over the edge, and he started laughing too. "Oh man…" He had to admit, in another world he and Reno would probably have been great drinking buddies. Despite his laziness, smart mouth, and constant pranks, it was hard not to like the guy.
Just then, the door to the small plane burst open, and in stepped a breathless Barret, carrying a large box of assorted metal parts. He paused, looking a bit confused as to what the other two were laughing about, then plopped the box down unceremoniously on the floor.
"Yo, uh… I didn't know which parts you needed.… So I brought da whole box back," he shrugged, looking a bit sheepish. "It all looks da damn same to me…." Barret had been trying so hard lately to impress Cid, wanting desperately to learn from him and become more useful around the base. But he just was not all that bright, sadly, and definitely mechanically retarded. Or maybe just plain ol' retarded. Cid found himself constantly struggling not to lose his patience, not wanting to hurt the bigger man's feelings… but damn, it was hard. He preferred Reno, and even Yuffie, as assistants, for gods' sake. At least they didn't really try to get involved and stayed the hell out of his way.
"Yeah, whatever," Cid shrugged, kneeling down and peering into the unorganized box of parts, searching for the few things he actually needed.
"Cool," Barret replied, relieved not to be yelled at again. "Uh… I really gotta use the john, though!" He made a bee-line for the rear of the plane, where there was the usual closet-sized restroom.
"Um, Barret?" Cid said, glancing up at him and sounding a bit disgusted. "Can't you just go across the street to the pub? I really don't want to have to smell that all day. It's almost lunch time…"
Reno snickered like a twelve-year-old boy, both at Cid's words and Barret's hurt expression.
"I just gotta pee," he explained, doing a bit of a dance now. "Bad," he added for emphasis.
"You spend too much time with a fucking five year old…" Cid muttered, shaking his head as Barret hurried past to the end of the aisle and opened the bathroom door.
"Whoa, dis is really small," Barret commented, as if he were surprised.
"No shit," Reno said, awed at just how stupid this guy was. He started this whole rebel group thing? How embarrassing for Shin-ra. Reno wondered if perhaps a lot of it was Marlene's idea. She seemed a lot more intelligent, and her vocabulary was definitely larger.
"It's cool, I got dis," Barret said, desperate to relieve his bladder. Cid and Reno watched with some dread as the very large man ducked, squirmed and squeezed his way inside the small washroom, struggling mightily to turn around and then barely able to force the door shut behind him.
"Wow," was all Reno could say, shaking his head and lighting up another cigarette. He even decided to be polite and light Cid's. The pilot wasn't all that bad. At least he didn't have a perpetual stick up his ass like some of the others. Nor did he cry every time he saw a dead frog or squished flower like his last 'babysitter.'
"AHHHHHHH," came a sigh of relief from the washroom.
Cid's PHS beeped. He had a new message. From Sephiroth. "Eh?"
"What is the meaning of this? I will kill you. ~ Seph"
"Oh shit!" Cid exclaimed, remembering that Reno had forwarded that photo of Aeris to her husband using his fucking PHS. "RENO!" He thrust the open message toward the red-headed Turk, horrified.
"Ahahaha!" Reno clapped his hands together in delight, clearly having a blast at Cid's expense. "This is great! Ask him when and where for me, will ya? I'll bring popcorn."
"Fuck you! He's crazy! I swear to god, if he-"
"Uh… guys?"
Barret's muffled voice interrupted Cid before he could smack Reno upside his head, or perhaps give him a few new facial scars.
"What?" Cid yelled to him, irritated and genuinely concerned for his life.
"Uh…. The door's stuck. I can't open it!"
This only made Reno laugh harder. Cid glared. His 'prisoner,' voluntary or no, should not be having this much fun. Cid kicked him in the shin, causing Reno to swear and hop about on his other leg, dropping his cigarette and causing a burn mark on the new carpet running up the center isle.
"Ow! Dickhead!"
"You're going to get me killed!"
"Haha! None of you guys can take a fucking joke, I swear!"
"Sephiroth isn't really known for his sense of humor, especially when it comes to someone taking lewd pictures of his wife!"
"But she's hot! I mean, why not sha-"
"… Guys?"
"Shit!" Cid swore, turning away from Reno for the moment. "You fucking idiot, is it unlocked?" he called out to Barret, approaching the rear of the plane and the stubborn door.
"Uh… I think so!" He could be heard fiddling with the latch from the inside, but the door didn't budge.
"Dude, can I have your PHS again for just a sec? I have to tell Rude about this!"
"NO! Go sit down or something! Fuck."
"Cid, it's hot in here and I can't move… shit."
"Haha!"
"Oh, fuck me!"
Cid grabbed a hold of the door as best he could and pulled, but it didn't move. Reno stood over his shoulder, snickering and enjoying the show. This was epic.
"I'd shoot the lock off the door like the expert marksman I am, but… oh wait, I'm not allowed to have a gun," Reno said with a smirk, though he was again reminded of how naked and vulnerable he felt without both his gun and nightstick, things he had carried like extra body parts for almost ten years. At least he still had his beloved nudey lighter. And his kitty. He'd survive.
"Shut up unless you have something constructive to add," Cid muttered, studying the lock mechanism and the door frame intently. Reno shrugged and took a step back, prepared to enjoy his cigarette and a free show. It was then he noticed a small storage compartment bolted to the wall close to the bathroom door, wondering if he ought to follow his instincts and have a look inside. Hmmm, nah, this is just too fucking funny. Lunch can wait. He couldn't help but stare at it a bit, wondering if Cid would catch on any time soon.
"Help, Cid! Dis sucks, I can't even turn my head!"
"It's your own fault, you dumbfuck! I told you not to go in there!"
"Sorry Cid…" he said, sounding like a scolded child. A moment later, he began pounding on the door, throwing his weight up against it as best he could within the limited space. "OW!"
"Don't do that, it's a solid steel door!" Cid yelled to him, though he was tempted to tell the man to use his head instead. "God dammit, Barret!" he swore, pausing to have yet another smoke. "Now I gotta go find something to tear this door down! And YOU are going to fix it!"
"Okay, Cid," he whined, properly chastised. "Just get me outta here!"
Cid turned, about to stomp off and locate a sufficiently badass tool for the job, when Reno stepped forward into his path, deciding to put them out of their misery before someone lost a limb. He ignored Cid's glare, reached up, and opened the small compartment. Inside, just as he had expected, were a stack of manuals, a few spare oxygen masks… and a ring with several keys on it. Reno grabbed the keys before Cid could react, casually approaching the washroom door and inserting the largest one into the lock. There was a satisfying click a moment later, and the door burst open. Barret immediately came pouring out and knocked Reno back into the wall with a thud.
"Oof! Oh my god, I'm free!" Barret cheered, sweaty and a bit out of breath. "Thanks, man!" He held up his normal hand for a hi-five, but Reno ignored him and yawned loudly. Cid sighed heavily, slapping one dirty hand across his forehead. He felt like an even bigger idiot than Barret. Reno smirked triumphantly, handing over the keys with a flourish.
"Told ya. Expert. Fucking. Mechanic."
"Oh, fuck you."
"No thanks, I would rather fu-" Reno paused and raised an eyebrow as Cid's PHS beeped with another new message. He leaned over so that he could read the screen when the pilot opened it.
"You horrible, dirty old man! -Elmyra"
"Oh shit, oh shit!" gasped Reno between laughs, crossing his legs as he stood next to a glowering Cid. "Now I gotta pee! Ahahaha!" He ran outside, still cackling madly, and returned a suspiciously short time later, casually zipping up his fly.
"I… don't even want to know," Cid sighed, shooing Barret away from anything he could potentially destroy. "Come on, guys, I'm starving." He definitely needed a break. And a beer or four.
"Sweet," Reno agreed, following Cid and Barret as they walked single-file out of the small plane.
"I shouldn't even feed you after what you've been doing…. and not doing… all morning. But Cloud says I have to."
"Aww, don't be like that, man" Reno said, sounding slightly apologetic. "I was just about to invite you to our poker game tonight!"
Cid tried not to look like this appealed to him. Man, he hadn't had a proper game of cards in ages, and he was willing to bet Reno was a good player. "Oh yeah?" Cid asked as the three men headed across the road toward the little pub he frequented.
Reno nodded. "Yeah, I could use some actual competition. Rude has this constipated face he makes any time he has a good hand, and Tseng just sits there and drinks tea like a girl, all serious and shit. Come on, it'll be fun! We don't bite."
Cid contemplated this for a moment. He liked the idea of hanging out with the guys, now that he spent so much of his free time with a damn woman. But the former Turks of all people? What would everyone think? And what if they were up to something more devious than Reno's childish pranks? Cid didn't want Reno to think he was afraid of a few unarmed men on house arrest, though, and nodded with a grin of anticipation.
"All right, you're on," he agreed. "I'll even bring some booze." He was not going to admit to being a tea drinker after what Reno had just said about his former boss.
"Awesome! Me and Rude's place, at 8 tonight. Bring lotsa gil," he smirked.
"Hey, can I come, too?" Barret asked, looking like a sad puppy. He hated being left out, and he didn't exactly have a ton of friends, spending most of his time with his young daughter. Everyone else found him too annoying to tolerate for any great length of time, though he seemed blissfully unaware of this.
"Uhhhh…. I guess…." Reno hesitated, not having intended on including him. Then again, if Rude's poker face was bad, he was fairly certain Barret's was going to be terrible. Reno wasn't getting paid for his work, and a man needed money for cigarettes, beer, and cat food, after all.
"Cool!" Barret exclaimed, clapping Reno so hard on the shoulder that the smaller man stumbled forward a step. "Oh, sorry. Heh."
Reno shrugged, already mentally adding up his winnings. The three entered the pub a moment later and took a booth toward the rear, the noise of the busy lunch hour surrounding them. A waitress took their drink orders, and a moment later Cid's PHS beeped again. He sighed, pulling it from his pocket and clicking the new message with trepidation.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Why would I want to see this? We'll talk later. ~ Shera"
~ The End ~
((Author's Notes: This story was written based on a prompt from my beta, Cykeclops, trying to get me to start writing again after nearly eight years. The assignment was simply: 'Barret gets stuck in an airplane bathroom.' I have no idea where all of this came from, but obviously it was meant to be funny. It's the first thing I've written since about 2003 or 2004. I hope it amused you and would love to hear reviews. Thank you! And if you enjoyed this story, check out What Friends Are For and Sabotage.))