Letting You Go
By Tai92
He could remember it perfectly; as if it had only happened yesterday.
He remembered hearing a loud screeching and the clang of metal as the cars behind him crashed together. He could remember hearing the piercing scream that split through the air. He had looked over at her brother, Dray, eyes wide and saw the white, terror-stricken look on his face. It had all happened so fast. One minute they were driving to the mall for a day out, the next he heard the scream, and after that all he could remember was screaming at the top of his lungs, being held back by two police officers. Finally, he simply remembered being numb.
After her funeral, he was basically incoherent. He remembered crying for hours on her freshly covered grave, getting soaked to the bone in the ice-cold Washington rain. Apparently Izzy had half carried him to the car and taken him back to her father's house. He didn't remember that.
A week later, he had come out of his fog of isolation after her best friend, had more or less yelled at him for being selfish. He slowly became normal again, but if anyone were to watch him closely, they could still see the shining of his eyes as he remembered what could have been.
Almost five years to the date later, Tai Kamiya was his chipper, happy-go-lucky self. At the ripe age of 21, he was a digital program designer and relatively famous amongst computer nerds worldwide. But of course, where would he be without the one who taught him everything he knew? Izzy Izumi, his partner in crime, not only held a Masters in Computer Science, but also a few Doctorates of Medicine in different variations of the medical profession. Needless to say, Izzy was definitely the kind of man any mother would want their daughter to be with; which sucks for everyone considering he had been going steady with the same woman for almost four years.
Tai on the other hand, was quite the bachelor. After the second anniversary of his beloved's death, Tai Kamiya finally let loose. He drank recklessly, drove recklessly, and gambled recklessly. Some magazines would say that he was living the rich life; traveling all the time and picking his share of the women that wanted him. To those who actually knew him, they had wondered if Tai had finally gone off the deep end.
It was June 26th, and Tai Kamiya was sitting in the living room of his flat, staring at the wall. He was staring so adamantly that one would wonder if he was trying to burn a hole in the wall with his eyes. But he wasn't really looking at the wall. Tai's chocolate brown eyes were fixated on the one picture that was in his entire flat. It was of him and a girl with shoulder length brown hair and dark twinkling eyes, wrapped in his arms. She was the reason he was so reckless. He sighed and rubbed his eyes before lying back on the worn out blue couch. If he had a dollar for every time he looked at that picture and sighed, well, he'd be a couple million dollars richer than he already was.
Her name was Tailer, and she destroyed him. He loved her with all his heart, and then she had to die on him. Of course it wasn't her fault, he'd never say she died on purpose, but, his heart was buried with her on that rainy June day. His friends worried about him, he knew that. But when he came out of his shell three years ago, his friends finally gave him space, thinking he had come out of his depression of her death. But what they didn't know was that he drank himself silly every June 29th out of grief.
All of his friends knew that Tai liked to be left alone on the anniversary, and they understood. Even though he had moved on, didn't mean that he didn't still grieve for her. They all did different things to remember her life on that day. Izzy and his girlfriend (Tailer's best friend), would always sit at their apartment and listen to her CD while reviewing a photo album of her. Matt and his girlfriend would go out to the restaurant where they shared their last meal with Tailer. Her brother would have a few drinks with their dad back in America and then cook her favorite meal together. Everyone did their own separate thing, but Tai would always drown himself in misery and then pull his hung-over ass to work the next day and pretend like nothing ever happened.
Tai flung his arm over his head and stared at the ceiling. It was a Friday night and for once he didn't have any work that needed to be done. Sadly, he really wished he had work to do. Then he could keep his mind off the anniversary a little bit.
His prayers were answered when his cell phone rang. He grunted slightly as he pushed himself off the couch and walked into the kitchen where his cell phone was laying on the counter. He looked at the Caller ID before answering.
"Hey Izzy," he answered.
"Hey, what's up?" his best friend replied.
"Nothing much, you?" he asked.
"Nothing really. So…I know the anniversary is Monday and you probably want to be alone, but can I ask a favor?" Izzy asked hesitantly. Tai massaged his brow with his fingers.
"What is it?"
"Do you remember how we asked that company in America for partnership a few months ago?" Izzy asked.
"Yeah what about it?"
"They agreed. And they want one of us to go over there and sign the binding agreement. I'd go, but Taylor's demanding that I go to a doctor's appointment with her that day so she won't let me go."
Tai sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.
"Izzy…"
"I know, Tai. Believe me, I wish it wasn't that day, but if we don't go there, then they won't make the deal with us. Which means that we'll be out of a lot of opportunities," Izzy said softly. Tai sighed loudly again.
"Alright, I'll do it," he said. 'Looks like I won't be spending the day alone after all' he thought. Izzy breathed a giant sigh of relief.
"Thank you, Tai and I'm sorry but this really needs to happen," Izzy said.
"It's all good, don't worry about it. So when and where am I going and do I need to make arrangements?" he asked.
"Nope I got everything set up for you. I'll take you to the airport first thing in the morning, and I'm sending you the flight confirmation via email now. You'll get picked up at the airport and have a car brought to you for the weekend. Your hotel reservations are already made and I'll send you directions and meeting times in the email as well. You'll leave Wednesday morning for back home and I'll get you from the airport when you land," he said.
"You just knew I'd say yes, didn't you?" Tai asked, slightly impressed. Izzy chuckled deeply.
"Just a little bit," he said.
"So obviously I'm going to America. But where?" Tai asked. Izzy was silent for a long moment before he mumbled something incoherently.
"What's that?" Tai asked.
"Spokane, Washington…" Izzy mumbled. Tai's jaw dropped.
"Are you fucking kidding me! No, Izzy! Cancel the whole damn trip! I'm not going!" Tai snarled.
"But Tai-"
"No buts!"
"You can visit her grave, Tai!" Izzy shouted.
There was a long moment of silence between the two as Tai walked back to the living room and flopped back onto the couch he vacated moments before.
"Izzy…" Tai said, his voice cracking slightly.
"I think you should, Tai," Izzy whispered softly. "Listen, I know it hurts and I know that all you do is get shit-faced on the anniversary, but maybe this will be good for you."
Tai's eyes widened slightly. How did Izzy know that's what he did every year?
"How will that be good for me, Izzy?" he asked.
"We've all gone at least once since it happened, except you. It helps, Tai, it really does. You don't have to forget her completely, but maybe seeing her grave will help you cope better like it did for us," he said.
"I'll go on the trip, but I refuse to see my dead girlfriend's grave," Tai said with an air of finality. Izzy sighed on the other line.
"I understand."
"Thank you." Tai said. "I'll see you in the morning, Izzy. I'd better go pack."
"Okay, I'll talk to you later, bye," Izzy said before hanging up.
Tai set his phone on the arm rest of the couch and sighed. He stared at the picture again for a moment before he walked across the room, grabbed it, and sat back down on the couch, sighing.
"Do you see what you did to me, Tailer?" Tai whispered as he stared at the picture of his lost lover. He could almost imagine her reply: "Aw, come on, Tai, it'll get better!" she'd say while laughing slightly.
Tai felt his eyes slowly wetting with tears. He closed his eyes and bit his lip as he clutched the picture to his chest. He hadn't cried for Tailer in almost two years. Every year on the anniversary he would feel the need to cry, and that would be when the booze would come into play.
"Why, Tailer?" he asked, as if hoping that she would hear him and reply. "Why did you have to leave me?"
Tai fell into a fitful slumber on the couch with all he had left of his love in his arms.
The next morning, Tai woke to a loud banging sound. He bolted upright and something clanged to the ground. He rubbed his eyes as he looked at the floor below his couch. The jeans and t-shirt he had fallen asleep in were all wrinkled as he grabbed the picture frame that dropped on the floor. The banging persisted and Tai walked to the door, with the frame in his hands. He ran his hands through his hair as he unlocked and opened the door.
"Tai," Izzy said. His best friend was standing in his doorway, his hair red and messy as ever, wearing black jeans and a dark blue polo shirt.
"Hey, Izzy," Tai said yawning as he opened the door wider and motioned for his best friend to come inside.
"Have you even packed?" Izzy said, looking around the apartment for suitcases.
"Oh shit," Tai said. "I fell asleep right after I got off the phone with you."
"Come on, Tai, we've got to be at the airport in an hour," Izzy said.
"Right," Tai said.
He took a step towards his room, froze, and then looked at the picture in his hand.
"Is that…?" Izzy asked, stepping towards him.
"Yeah," Tai sighed, "Tailer and I… This was taken right before she died."
"I didn't know you had this," Izzy said.
"Honestly, I don't even remember getting it printed. It was on my cell phone. Then somehow, it ended up here," Tai said as he replaced the picture on the wall. He sighed and continued to his room, leaving Izzy in the living room.
He pulled out a suitcase from under his bed and started packing clothes into it; from business suits to casual wear. He changed out of his dirty clothing and put on a pair of dress slacks and a casual white button-up. Once he was finished in there, he grabbed his toiletries from the bathroom and packed those. He rolled his suitcase into the living room and found Izzy standing in the middle of the living room, holding the picture, not moving.
"Izzy…" Tai asked softly. His friend turned to him, eyes watery.
"I miss her, Tai," Izzy's voice broke as tears fell onto his cheeks. Izzy's shoulders fell as he clutched the picture. Tai's gaze softened as he stared at his friend.
"I'm strong for Taylor, every year, but all I want to do is cry," he said. "She was the closest thing to a sister I had." Being not only an only child, but adopted, Izzy held Tailer closer to his heart than any other person.
"Izzy…" was all Tai could say. How could he comfort his friend, when he could barely comfort himself?
"Please, Tai… For me, go to her grave. And tell her that I'm sorry that I haven't been able to let her go completely," Izzy begged. Tai bit his lip and looked at his feet.
"Izzy…"
"Please, Tai," Izzy asked. Tai sighed.
"Alright… I'll go. Now come on, or we'll be late," Tai said. Izzy nodded, wiped his eyes, and replaced the picture.
"You got your passport?" Izzy asked.
"Yup."
"Alright, let's go."
An hour later, Tai was sitting on an airplane, getting ready to take off. He sighed as he leaned back in his chair and put in his headphones. It was going to be a long flight.
Long flight, indeed. Tai stepped into the terminal, his last stop, thank heaven. He straightened his back and adjusted his carry-on satchel. He walked through the terminal until he reached baggage claim. Once grabbing his bag, he walked to the loading and unloading zone, where a man in a black suit was waiting with a sign reading 'Tai Kamiya, Digital World Inc.' Tai walked up to the man.
"Hello, I'm Tai Kamiya," he said. The man and Tai shook hands.
"Hello, Mr. Kamiya, I'm George Martins, I'll be escorting you to your hotel," he said.
"Thank you, Mr. Martins," Tai replied.
"Allow me to put your things in the trunk," Martins said. Tai left his luggage with the man and climbed into the backseat of the SUV that was to take him to his hotel.
After driving for a half an hour, they arrived at a high-class hotel and Tai got out of the car. The man handed him his luggage.
"It has been a pleasure, Mr. Kamiya. Someone will be by in the morning to bring you a rental vehicle for the duration of your stay," he said.
"Thank you, Mr. Martins," Tai replied. The man got back into the car and drove off.
Tai grabbed his luggage and walked into the lobby of the hotel.
"Can I help you?" the woman behind the desk asked him, with a slight turn of her nose.
"I'm Tai Kamiya, I need to check in," he replied. He hated it when people would frown upon him because he looked slightly like a teenager still. She pursed her lips and clicked away at her computer before her eyes widened slightly.
"Mr. Kamiya, of course, if I could see some identification, please," she asked. Tai handed the woman his passport.
"Here is your room key, Mr. Kamiya. You're on the twelfth floor on the right. Please don't hesitate to call down if you need anything," she said, batting her eyelashes. Tai almost rolled his eyes at her want to be noticed. Of course now that she knew who he was, she was interested.
"Thank you."
At that, he took the key, his passport and his luggage and walked towards the elevator. Once in his room, he kicked off his shoes and fell onto the bed, exhausted.
Tai woke up to a fresh light streaming through the light colored curtains on the window of his hotel room. He groaned slightly and covered his eyes. After popping his neck and sighing, he sat up and looked at the digital clock across the room from him. Severely jet-lagged, Tai flopped off the bed and pulled his satchel to him and dug for his phone. Silently thanking satellite technology, he found out that it was Saturday June 27th at roughly 10am. He also had text messages from Izzy: one informing him that his rental car was to be delivered to him at noon, another saying he hoped the flight went well, and another one with a phone number identified as his former girlfriend's brother's cell phone. Izzy had wanted Tai to meet with her brother sometime this week.
"Asshole…" Tai growled lightly to himself. Izzy was stepping way too far over the boundaries Tai had put up following Tailer's death. Tai sighed and sent a text message to the number Izzy sent him.
"Dray its Tai im in town for business. Lunch?"
He clicked send, tossed his phone onto the bed, stripped down, and got into the shower. After a long shower, Tai stepped out of the humid room while running the towel through his hair. He sighed slightly as he threw the towel on the bed and pulled his suitcase to him. He pulled out a pair of blue jeans and pulled them on over his boxers. While digging through shirts, he realized that he had no idea what the weather was like. He got up and walked over to the window and pulled the curtains open. His breath caught slightly as he stared out over the valley. His room was right above a gushing river, he could clearly see the salmon swimming upstream. He could see the mountains surrounding the city, and the sky was a perfect blue, not a cloud to be seen. He slid open the door to his balcony and stepped outside. There was just the slightest of breezes and the sun was warm on his face. Tai breathed in deeply, smelling the crisp air. It was a beautiful day.
Tai walked back inside the room and pulled out a simple blue t-shirt and threw it on. He checked his phone and saw that he had a reply from Dray, Tailer's brother.
"Hey Tai, sure we can meet up. How's 1 o'clock at the Olive Garden? Do you need directions?"
"No im sure ill have gps in my car ill meet you there"
"k meet you then"
Checking the time, he realized that it was almost noon and his car should be brought to him soon. To kill time, he watched TV until he was notified that his car had arrived.
Tai walked into the Olive Garden at five past one, a little late but better than never.
"Can I help you?" the hostess asked.
"I'm meeting Dray Matthews. Has he arrived already?" Tai asked. The hostess checked her seating charts.
"Yes, follow me," she said, leading him around the restaurant.
Dray was sitting in a corner booth. He still looked relatively the same. Dyed black hair framing his face, broad shoulders, and the left corner of his lips tilted down, ever since his sister died. Dray looked up when he noticed Tai approaching, and stood up to greet him.
"Tai, it's been a while," Dray said, holding his hand out. Tai shook his hand.
"Yeah, it has, huh?" Tai replied, taking a seat across from him.
"Can I get you something to drink?" the hostess asked.
"Water is fine for me, thank you," Tai replied. She nodded and left.
"Well, how have you been?" Dray asked. Tai took a moment to think.
"I've been…" he paused, "better."
Dray sighed lightly.
"Yeah I know what you mean," he said.
"How are you and your dad holding up?" Tai asked.
"It gets easier, every year. But, it's still not something we'll ever get used to. We still miss her a lot," Dray said.
"I know what you mean…" Tai trailed off.
"You haven't been back here since it happened, have you?" Dray asked. A waitress brought Tai his cup of water and they ordered their food.
"No, I haven't," Tai said, getting back to their conversation.
"So you haven't gone and visited her?" Dray asked.
"No."
"Are you planning to?" At this Tai paused in thought.
"I'm not sure. I told Izzy I would but, I don't know if I can handle it," he said, honestly. Dray looked him in the eye. Tai flinched slightly, remembering that they were the exact same as Tailer's.
"You need to. Even if you can't handle it, you need to. Honestly, Tai, I don't think she'll ever be completely at rest until you show her you won't ever forget her, but that you'll still move on. All the others have gone; I really think you should too." Tai sighed and furrowed his eyebrows with his fingers.
"It's disrespectful, Tai. If you loved her as much as you claim to-"
"I still love her!" Tai exclaimed.
"Then why haven't you let her know?"
Tai ran his hands through his hair and slumped back into the booth seat.
"I… I don't know."
"Don't be a coward, Tai."
And so the morning of Monday June 29th, Tai laid in the bed at his hotel, staring at the ceiling. He had been tossing and turning throughout the night and at about 4:30 in the morning, he finally gave up on sleeping and just stared at the ceiling, watching the room slowly fill up with light as the sun rose. He glanced at the clock again: 7 o'clock.
He sighed and decided that he should get up and get ready for the day. He had a meeting with AmeriCorps this morning to go over contract paperwork, and then he planned on going to visit Tailer's grave. He sat up in bed and winced slightly at the sudden pain in his shoulder. Wondering just how he managed to do that in his sleep, he crawled out of bed, stripping as he went, and clambered into the shower.
Once he was out, he threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, slipped into some flip flops, and walked to the elevator and went downstairs to the hotel restaurant. He sat down at the bar and asked the bartender for a rum and Coke.
"Drink this early?" the bartender asked, raising an eyebrow as he mixed the drink and handed it to Tai.
"Anniversary of my girlfriend's death," Tai muttered and took a sip.
"Ah, I'm sorry. You and that girl over there both lost someone on the same day. Damn this is turning out to be a depressing day," he muttered as he pointed across the bar to a woman about his age with long brunette hair who was sipping on a drink herself.
"Tell me about it…" Tai muttered and took another drink.
Around nine o'clock, he finished his drink and paid the bartender and then went back up to his room. He brushed his teeth again and dressed in his best business suit. As he was tying his tie, his cell phone rang. He let the tie drape around his neck undone, and he grabbed his phone.
"Hello?" he answered.
"Tai! Oh my God!" Izzy said breathlessly.
"Izzy what's going on? Are you alright?" Tai asked.
"I'm better than alright! Taylor's pregnant! We're having a baby, Tai!" Izzy exclaimed. Tai's jaw went slack.
"That's why she wanted me to go to that doctor's appointment with her! She had a feeling that she was pregnant and she got the results today," Izzy said.
"Oh, wow, Izzy, uh, congratulations," Tai said.
"We're planning a wedding too. Taylor doesn't want to have a child out of wedlock, so we're getting married before she starts to show," Izzy said.
"Wow," Tai said. "A baby and marriage…"
"I know. You'll be my best man, right?" Izzy asked.
"I, yeah, of course…"
"Are you alright, Tai? You don't seem as excited as I thought you'd be," Izzy said.
"I'm happy for you, Iz, I really am. It's just today's just exciting day I guess…" Tai said, sitting down on the bed.
"Right… Have you gone yet?" Izzy asked softly.
"No. I'm going after the meeting today," Tai said.
"Will you tell her about Taylor and I?" Izzy asked. "I think she'd like that. She'd be godmother, you know. If it wasn't for…"
"Her untimely death, yeah, I know." Tai finished sourly. Izzy sighed.
"It's almost ironic, isn't it?" Izzy asked.
"What?"
"That on the anniversary of her death, we get this news about new life." Tai sighed.
"Huh, yeah."
"Well, I guess I'll let you go. Tell her we love her," Izzy said.
"Will do. Talk to you later," Tai said.
"And if you need anything, I'm just a call away."
"I know, Iz. Bye."
Tai hung up the phone and sighed. He really wanted to be happy for his best friend. But it was so hard to watch other get married and have babies when he couldn't do the same.
Glancing at the clock, Tai hurried and finished dressing then ran out the door.
"Thank you for coming all this way, Mr. Kamiya; and on such short notice, too," said the grinning American as he held out his hand.
"It's really no trouble at all. I needed a small vacation anyways," Tai said, grinning widely and shaking the man's hand.
"When do you leave?" the man asked.
"Not until Wednesday night," Tai replied while packing up his briefcase.
"Oh a few more days, then? Gonna go sight-seeing?" he asked. Tai shuddered slightly.
"Something like that, yeah."
"Well, we shall see you tomorrow to sign. Have a good day, Mr. Kamiya."
"Thank you, you as well." Tai shook the man's hand once more and left the building.
"Oh yeah. Definitely sight-seeing," Tai mumbled. "Seeing a graveyard."
He climbed into the black SUV he was renting and plugged in the address to the graveyard. Tired of silence, he flipped on the radio.
"-five years today since the death of Tailer Matthews, lead singer of the 'Lil Soldiers. She was only seventeen-" and then he turned it off.
"Fuck today," he muttered as he turned into the graveyard.
Walking towards her headstone at the back corner of the graveyard, Tai notices he forgot to bring flowers or anything for her.
"Damnit!" he swore.
Too late to turn back, Tai approached the headstone with trembling knees. Her headstone was white marble; it had been freshly washed and glistened in the sunlight. The inscription read:
"RIP Tailer Matthews
Daughter, Friend, Lover
We'll Miss You"
Her birth and death days were inscribed below it. Fresh lilies had been placed on the ground above where her head would be.
"Dray and your dad must have already been by. Hey Tailer…" Tai mumbled, running his head over the tombstone.
"I don't really know what to say…"
He sighed and knelt down, fingering the flowers.
"I…" his voice cracked. "Damn it! I miss you, Tailer!" His fists pummeled the ground, ruining the flowers as tears fell down his face.
"Why did you have to die on me! Why!"
Tai sobbed incoherent sentences as he continued beating the ground and ruining suit. Taking a deep breath, Tai rubbed the tears unceremoniously from his face and sat up on his knees.
"It never gets any easier, you know," a female voice whispered. His body jerked around to face the woman he saw at the bar this morning. She had tears glistening in her blue eyes and she was dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt, holding a bouquet of wildflowers.
"My Zack died in the same accident as your Tailer. I spent a month at this graveyard after he was buried. And I've been here every year since," she said dismally. "People keep telling me that as time goes by, I'll get used to the idea of him being gone, but they don't know anything. I still wake up in the middle of the night crying."
"I'm sorry…" Tai said, awkwardly.
"I'm sorry about your girlfriend… If Zack had been paying more attention, maybe we'd both still have them," she said, sighing.
"Yeah…"
"I'm Suzie by the way," she said.
"Tai."
"Well, Tai, if you don't want to be alone today, I'll prolly be in the bar all night if you want to join me," she said.
"Thanks. I'll think about it," he said. She nodded in acknowledgement before continuing her way through the graveyard. Tai sighed and looked back at Tailer's grave.
"I love you, Tailer. Forever and always," he said. He kissed the palm of his hand and rested it on the headstone.
Tai then proceeded to the liquor store then back to the hotel to drink his sorrows away while crying and listening to Tailer's CD.