"I'm heading out to avenge the fallen," Big Boss growled through his cigar as he hopped onto a chopper. "Don't wait up."
Miller saluted, and as soon as the chopper became a spec in the sky, he about-faced and headed into the main complex. The new recruits were waiting for him in the mess hall. After using his super stealthy skills to sneak a bite to eat from the kitchen, Miller proceeded to greet the new candidates.
"Looks like we have a good lineup today," he said through a mouthful of sandwich. With a keen eye, he inspected the greenhorns: Jennifer, The End's parrot, Raven (the action figure), P. Stillman, Scott Dolph, and a fat man.
The recruits stood at attention, each trying their hardest to impress Miller by not keeling over from the overpowering stench of tuna coming off his breath. So far, Raven (the action figure) was in the lead. The fat man disqualified himself by jumping on Miller to try and slurp the last of the tuna sandwich crumbs from off his lapel. Two guards escorted him out and locked him in the clock room as punishment for assaulting a senior officer. Men went insane in that room with all those ticking clocks. It was how Big Boss broke his toughest of foes and converted them to sociopathic allies.
Miller continued to scrutinize the remaining recruits. He paused in front of each one, nodding his head and humming until he reached Jennifer. He leaned in and squinted to read the Hello My Name Is tag on her shirt. "And you're..."
"M-my name's Jennifer," Jennifer stammered.
"You're Jennifer," Miller confirmed. He then gave her a squeeze just to see what measurements she'd need for her new fatigues. Of course, that caused Jennifer to lash out.
"Don't touch me!" she screamed as she slapped Miller hard across the face. She then kicked him below the belt and left in a huff.
P. Stillman and Scott Dolph snickered as Miller rolled around in agony screaming like a little girl. When he eventually calmed down, he scolded the other greenhorns. "The next one to screw with me will get beaten and eaten! Are we clear?"
The greenhorns saluted.
"Alright then..." Miller resumed the inspection, this time stopping in front of The End's parrot. "So, you want to join the Diamond Dogs, eh? Where do you see yourself in five years?"
The End's parrot cocked its head and squawked. "Grandpa!"
Miller gritted his teeth. "What did you call me?"
"Grandpa! Grandpa!" the parrot happily repeated.
Losing his temper, Miller grabbed The End's parrot and took a huge bite into it. Somewhere, the ghost of an elderly man groaned in agony...
...and that ghost was behind Miller.
The End's ghost haunted Miller, chasing him throughout the whole base until he accidentally gave himself a wedgie on the new flagpole. Both The End ghost and his parrot ghost got a kick out of that.
Ten elite soldiers and a heavy-duty industrial crane later, Miller limped back into the mess hall where the last three remaining recruits still stood at attention.
"You know, life's funny," he said, grabbing a stool. "One day, you wake up singing guitar songs by the campfire, the next you're in a foxhole with some hairy guy chucking grenades at everyone but you."
"Is there a point to this sad story?" Scott Dolph asked. He was immediately overboard where he was devoured by Gurlugon.
"No one else better have a smart mouth on them," Miller warned. He eyed the last two candidates. "How about you, P. Stillman? Feeling smart today?"
P. Stillman opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted when the crazed fat man bursted out of the clock closet with a gun he fashioned out of cogs and Mickey Mouse clock hands. He aimed to shoot Miller, but P. Stillman deflected the Mickey Mouse gloved pointer-finger with the wooden leg he always carried around for luck. That enraged the fat man, forcing him to pull out an AK-47 from his super-secret hiding place (his fat folds). He charged ahead, shooting in every direction like a loon and accidentally knocking over Raven (the action figure). Raven (the action figure) started to shoot toy pellets from its toy gun, littering the whole floor in a matter of minutes. Meanwhile, the fat man had killed P. Stillman and was gunning for Miller. He chased him all over the mess hall several times until he accidentally slipped on Raven (the action figure)'s pellets and shot himself dead.
Hours later, Miller presided over an elaborate, albeit impromptu, awards ceremony to celebrate the death of the crazy fat man at the hands of the heroic Raven (the action figure).
"For saving my life, I present you with this medal and beret," said Miller as he gave the toy-sized accessories to Raven (the action figure). "Welcome to the Diamond Dogs."
Raven (the action figure) fired off some celebratory pellets with pride.
"And for bringing this hero to our attention, I award you, Roo, with one Pooh Stick."
Roo took the Pooh Stick from Miller with a salute and then radioed in a chopper to take him back to the Fellowship of the Pooh.
The end.