I dragged my feet forcefully willing myself to hurry. Bells would chime loudly soon indicating the end of the last hour of the school. I had to get there fast if I wanted to get there before I lose my conviction. I turned a corner and the staircase was in sight. Before anyone could see me, I jogged up the stairs. I turned to my left and grasped the door handle.
D-do I want to do this? What if...what if I can't...what if someone comes...what will I say to others...maybe i should just turn back and go to class and then head home...
"Oh jeez try to lose some weight you fatso!"
One cut.
"Have you seen other kids your age? Seriously learn something from them. Try to be more active. You can't take care of your face. At least do something of those fats in your body."
Four cuts.
"Sooo I've heard a lot of things about you. Wanna meet up babe? I won't tell anyone"
10 cuts
"You better bring more marks this time. Look at your cousins! All of them are such exemplary children. And there's you. Please do well and don't embarrass me."
15 cuts.
"Hey we're friends and all but please control your facial expressions, especially your smile. It creeps me sometimes."
Covered with crimson cuts.
"Do some work and be useful for once."
I was never pretty enough. Never fit enough. Never smart enough. Never good enough. Just not enough. How much ever I tried, I could never stand up to my parents expectations. Had been violated by strangers. Even though I knew my friends just joke around, the truth of words never failed to pierce my heart and confidence.
I just can't take it anymore.
With renewed resolve, i swiftly turned the handle and stepped onto the terrace. And firmly clicked the door shut.
Gentle breeze few past me as i approached the edge of the terrace. For an afternoon, it was quite chilly. Well it is winter right now, so that's kinda obvious. I chuckled to myself at my pathetic attempt at humor during such a situation. "Huh" I sighed to myself. "So this is it" I said softly.
"You know i actually never guessed i had the guts to do something like this. Well i'm still not sure." I had a habit of talking to myself whenever i was stressed or nervous or just was lonely. I couldn't figure which of that is am i feeling right now, maybe a combination of the three.
A bit heavy breeze starting flowing. The chillness started me to get shivering a little.
"I always liked winter. Winter is actually my favourite season. The chilly atmosphere, cool breeze now and then, snowfall, the mysteriousness of fog, increased warmth of the bed and the taste of coffee. I just find it so magical."
I sat gingerly on the edge. I still had time. Let me enjoy the magic for one last time.
"This place holds lot of memories of mine. This place sure has many bad memories. But also lots of wonderful memories that i cherish wholeheartedly. This is the place where i met my amazing best and closest friends. This is the place where i felt some sense of accomplishment and acceptance. This is where i enjoyed to my heart's content with my friends. This is where i laughed, laughed and laughed until i cried. This is where the people that I love are. H-how...how did it come to this? Just where did things go wrong...how did I end up here?"
A tear rolled down my cheeks. Another escaped and another. And sobbed there sitting forlornly on the edge of the terrace like i had spent many sleepless nights. I felt my chest constrict in anguish as i cried over my confused, broken, pathetic self.
Distantly the door handle turned and a student poked her head in.
"Hey you! What are you doing there sitting on the edge? Its dangerous!" the student yelled fighting the breeze.
TRRIIINNGGGGG
Students and teachers alike let out a relieved sigh and started packing their stuffs, eager to get out of the school.
I turned my tear-stained face towards the voice and smiled forcefully, almost in a cruel manner. "I know. I'm here to suicide." I said softly, my voice huskier because of the incessant crying.
And I jumped.
A shrill scream of horror filled the atmosphere but I'm not sure whether it was mine or the person's that just witnessed my suicide with a horror-filled eyes.
It felt peaceful for a while and then a sharp severe pain jolted through my brain as i landed painfully with a thud on the ground.
I could see the blurred images of people noticing and covering around me. Too much noise...so much shouts...my head was hurting...why wasn't i dead already?
I heard a similar voice somewhere to my left. I knew that voices. I knew those voices telling me to wake up. Those are the voices of some of the people i cherish and love. I wanted to see them one last time and tell them thank you...
Black spots covered my vision. The pain was too much to bear. Again why wasn't i dead already?
Another sharp pain shot through my body and i whimpered in anguish. The noises were hurting my head. Once happy images of mine flitted through mind. My mom made some joke on my dad and we're all laughing and talking about our days. Me and my friends are imitating and teasing other and i just can't stop being happy.
Why wasn't i enough? I loved you all with my heart. Why wasn't i worthy enough to be loved?
I gave in to the spreading darkness for the last time and let my eyes drop down forever.
The mobile phone kept on buzzing incessantly. With a defeated sigh i picked up the call before making sure my boss wasn't anywhere around.
"Hello?"
"Mrs Thomas?" an anxious voice enquired.
"Yes, speaking." I replied tiredly
"This is from your daughter's school. I'm sorry, Mrs Thomas. There has been an incident today. Your daughter has been severely injured. You better come to the city hospital immediately." The voice spoke urgently.
I felt the small gadget slip out of my grasp.
"Hello. Hello? Mrs Thomas? Hello? Huh I'm sorry again" beep beep. The call cut.
But i wasn't aware of anything. My body was paralyzed by shock. My baby...something happened to my baby...no...NO. Adrenaline kicked into my system and rushed out of my office as bodily fast as i could.
"Excuse me. My d-daughter was brought here some time ago from her school. Where can i f-find h-her?" i shakily asked the receptionist.
"Oh yes that girl. She was really in a bad shape. Go straight left and then turn right." The receptionist replied with pitying half smile.
I walked directly, hoping against anything that my baby was alright. I brushed the fearful tears and forced my body forward.
"Mrs Thomas?" a voice enquired from a distant. I recognized her as the principal of my daughter's school.
"Y-yes"
She directed me to a room. Some people from the school were huddled around. A doctor was near the bed. And my baby was lying on that bed. Like an angel she was dressed in white hospital gown. I could not see any blood anywhere as i neared her. She looked perfectly alright. I gingerly hugged and cried myself to relief. I cried away all my fears and shock. I cried because i so so close to losing my daughter, my everything. "I love you. I love you. I love you." I whispered against her. "Oh God I'm so relived you're alright. So relieved. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Thank God you're alright. I was so scared that I had lost you."
I felt a hand on shoulder and raised my head. Everyone had a pained expression while some sobbed quietly. But why? My daughter was alright.
The doctor turned towards me and said "I'm sorry Mrs Thomas. Your daughter is no more."