I stalk the streets looking for people. My super-stalker cloak billows in the breeze. And then jack frost came in and Elizabeth married him and everyone lived happily ever after except Voldemort because he's a douchebag. And then the dark lord said "Whale oil beef hooked," and hid in a cave for the rest of his lifey without a wifey. Feeling depressed, the dark lord called upon pitch, the king of nightmares, to aid him out of his misery. But alas Voldemort did not have a cellular phone so could not call his beloved pitch and had to hitch a ride to find him. Fortunately for Voldemort, the cave was filled with shadows and fearlings that Pitch had sent on Voldemorts birthday. So he sent one of the fearlings to pitch to beg for assistance, like a sad gay puppy. After many years of begging via fearling, pitch decided he had enough of Voldemort's shit and set off on an unexpected journey to the dark damp f**k up cave of Voldemort's. When pitch reached the cave, he discovered Voldemort sitting in the corner crying like a small child that had just had a nightmare. "What a fag" Pitch thought to himself, and resolved to smite Voldemort then and there, but when he lifted his hand to complete the deed, a raven came down and bit off his nose. Shadows billowed out of where his nose used to be "ahhhhhh F**K!" he screamed. Which I can understand because I'm sure it would hurt like hell and he didn't even have a bell! At Pitch's curse, Voldemort turned around. His lips arched upward into a pathetic smile. "You did that?" Voldemort said. "For me?"
"NO you blundering baboon! This S.O.B right here- he pointed at the raven- Bit my bloody nose off!"
"No need to get so snippy" said Voldemort, "Now you've hurt my feelings."
"Diddums."
With that, Pitch raised his hand, and smote Voldemort where he stood. Suddenly One Direction popped out of nowhere and started to sing "I… I…. I…. I wanna save ya.." but it was too late he was already dead, dead as a duck.
The End.