The stars look like bits of sugar sprinkled over inky blue-black velvet. The dull radiance of the moon softly illuminates the grounds of Hogwarts, casting mysterious shadows all over. The stone flags feel cold, so cold, underneath my thin shirt. In my current attire, I'm freezing, but I don't care.
He brought me here for our first date- not that I hadn't been here before. He got blankets and food, ever the caring gentleman, and the two of us crept stealthily to the Tower, our hearts hammering loudly. It was...well, it was magical. He told me stories about himself...things which he said he'd never told anyone else. He laughed a lot, his handsome head thrown back, his white teeth glinting in the moonlight. And I? For the first time, I truly felt alive. So happy. Carefree. In love, maybe?
"You're like a bird," he said. "A bird? I always thought I was more of a princess, maybe," I said, laughing. He smiled his beautiful smile, lips parted to show teeth which glowed like pearls, his warm brown eyes crinkling up at the corners.
Until he was going into that horrific maze, I didn't know that I loved him. Not even at the Yule Ball, when we were dancing close together, a whirlwind of satin and silk, jet black hair and chestnut locks. When I saw him enter the grounds, looking so fearless, something broke inside me. Perhaps it didn't break, perhaps something healed...a part of me which was never whole, was perfect. I ran to him, heedless of anything else.
"I love you," I heard myself whisper.
I'll never forget the look in his eyes at that moment, a look of pure uncontained joy. He kissed me softly, his hands entwined in my long hair, my arms looped around his neck. "I love you too," he said. And then he was gone.
Gone. Gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
I repeat the word until it loses all meaning, until nothing comes out of my mouths except incoherent phrases and small gasps. I'm broken again, more broken than I ever was before, for nothing can make me whole again, I'm sure of it.
My hands feel the rough, grainy stones on which I'm lying. I see the glimpse of a brass telescope out of the corner of my eye. Everything is exactly like it was 6 months ago.
I wish I could cry, to let everything out. But I can't. I feel empty. Hollow. A shell.
I could scream. Scream at the top of my lungs, letting the wind carry away my anguish. But who would hear me?
I stand up shakily, noticing the new paleness of my skin, my scarily thin arms, my lacklustre hair. The hair that once shone like silk, the once toned body of a Quidditch player, the skin which he once caressed.
From here, at the highest point n the castle, everything looks small. The towering trees, so tiny. The huge lake, merely a small pond.
But it's still not high enough.
I climb on the wall. Funny. My legs aren't shaking anymore.
This is a little more like it. I spread my arms. Once, he said I was like a bird. A bird. Soaring high. Free. Happy. I was like a bird. Now, I don't know. This emptiness is swallowing me up, consuming me with a frightening rapidity.
Stop. Stop, stop. Let me breathe, let me live.
No. Not without him.
But he's gone.
Gone. How? Oh God, why?
It would be so easy, right now, to fall. Fall with my arms outstretched, in midflight.
I put my right foot forward.
I feel light.
"CHO!" I hear a distant scream. I whip around, almost angry. Harry is standing there, his black hair messy, his eyes fearful. He runs up to me.
"What were you doing?" he says, as he helps me down.
I don't want to get down.
"Don't do that, Cho, don't do it. You scared me."
Good. Good that I scared him. God, why? I wanted to fly. I turn around to tell him to get lost, but the words die on my lips. For a fleeting instant, a microsecond, I saw Cedric in Harry. Brave, bold and brilliant, unafraid of anything, not even death.
I smile uncertainly at him. Just a hint of a smile. Just a hint of me.
Once, he said I was like a bird.
I know now what he meant.
Birds are graceful and elegant, flighty and ungrounded, hardworking, even persevering.
They are also stronger than they look.
I am stronger than I look.
I can fly, I can soar.
And I will.