Hey guys, Blackwolf249 here.
Sorry this installment of took so long; there was a major complication.
You see, I already had three of the kills planned out. However, the main computer in my house, had a virus. To make matters worse, I never used a flash drive and the portable hardrive my mom bought was broken. As the final kicker, when my mom had the computer cleaned, all of the fanfics I was working on were deleted. Nearly two years of work...gone kaput. Needless to say, I was pissed. However, after five months and lots of patience, it's finally done. Hopefully, I did a good job here.
Disclaimer: Spiderbabe is owned by ei Independent Cinema, and the killers are owned by their respective creators and companies.
Hi guys. It's me, Zachary, and welcome back, finally, to Five Ways to Kill! Sorry about the long delay, but I'm finally back from a long hiatus!
The Victim Room is finally open once again, and the killers are ready. So, let's switch on the Randomizer, and see who's luck has run out.
The Randomizer activates; when it stops, the monitor reveals that it landed on…
Spiderbabe.
The crowd boos at the monitor.
Yes, everyone. Unleash your anger, all you Spider-Man fans, for today's victim is Spiderbabe. One of the worst XXX parodies starring Misty Mundae. This movie is an insult to Sam Rami, it's an insult to what he achieved with his Spider-Man trilogy, and until Dan Slott's run which is finally over by the way, it was the biggest insult to Spider-Man, in general.
Also, I'm going to do something a little different; instead of focusing on the movie itself, as requested by Kill Boss 98, we're going to be exterminating the titular "protagonist".
So now, without further delay/complications, it's finally time to punish ei Independent Cinema for creating this monstrosity, as we reveal the five ways to kill Spiderbabe.
Number 5: Double the Dee Dees, Double the fun!
*A rooftop in Neo Gotham City*
Spiderbabe is sitting on a ledge, masturbating, not knowing that she is being watched.
Standing behind Patricia Porker's alter-ego, were Deidre and Delia Dennis, formerly known as the infamous Dee Dee Twins. Now, they were Dee Ivy and Dee Quinn.*
How did they end up like this? That's another story for another time.
"Shall we squish the spider, sis?" asked Dee Ivy (Deidre).
"Why, of course…Red," said Dee Quinn (Delia).*
Dee Ivy tossed several seeds onto the ground. Then, she raised her arm, and a group of large vines erupt from the ground and grab Spiderbabe, rendering her unable to move. Dee Quinn pulled out her grandmother's hammer.
"Batter up, bugbrain!"
BOINK!
With one mighty swing, Dee Quinn managed to knock Spiderbabe's head clean off her shoulders.
"Nice one, sis," said Dee Ivy giving her sister a high five.
Number 4: Decker's Gunning Frenzy
*a church in Europe*
Spiderbabe is seen inside the bell tower of the church. Standing before the "Bodacious" Wall Crawler was Decker Marcus, the Reincarnation of Walter Bernhard.
"Spiderbabe. Until the SJWs hit the scene, you were the biggest slap in the face to Peter Parker's reputation. Your movie was terrible. Plus, to top it all off, you're a disgusting, perverted, blond, web-ejaculating wannabe heroine, with the sexual restraint of a possum in heat."
He unholsters his Assault Rifle.
"Now prepare to become swiss cheese!"
Decker pulled the trigger unleashing a hail of enchanted bullets into the oversexualized parody. When he finally let go of the trigger…
Patricia was riddled with bullet holes. Her lifeless body fell to the ground and made a loud, wet-
THUD!
Decker blows on the barrel of his rifle before lugging it over his shoulder.
"That's one less parody to deal with."
Number 3: The Beverly Hills Chainsaw Massacre
*An abandoned alleyway in Beverly Hills*
Spiderbabe is seen preparing to see MJ, when suddenly her spider-sense goes off, but it's already too late.*
A grenade is now laying beneath her feet…
*HIISSSSSSSS*
A clear gas is released near Spiderbabe. She begins to cough and gasp when suddenly she feels a deep pain in her chest… then nothing.*
Spiderbabe falls to the floor, her upper torso split in half. Behind her is the culprit, a cloaked figure. He walks out of the alley, decloaks himself, and removes his gas mask revealing himself to be Jack Greene, the Former Dark Dragon Hunter.
"Movies like hers should have never been made."
Number 2: The Wrong Side of Yoko's Spells
Spiderbabe was standing in an abandoned street in London. Standing before her was Yoko Belnades, the Modern-Day descendant of the Belnades Clan.
"You think you can get away with corrupting Spider-Man's reputation?"
Spiderbabe simply nodded.
"Well then, get a load of THIS!"
Yoko charges fire into her hands.
"DIVINE INFERNO!"
Patricia's Spider-Sense goes off, but before she can leap out of the way, a pillar of holy flames erupts from the ground. The genderbent middle finger to the Friendly Neighborhood Wall-Crawler screams in agony as the flames singe every fiber of her body. Once a full minute, one excruciating minute has passed, Yoko dismisses the flame pillar, revealing a blackened skeleton.
Yoko struts toward the skeleton and gives it a light slap, and it disintegrates.
"Now, no one will have to deal with your gross antics."
Okay before we get to number one, let's look at the four previous kills we've seen so far:
5. Decapitated by Dee Ivy and Dee Quinn
4. Gunned down by Decker Marcus
3. Split in half by Jack Greene
2. Burnt to a crisp by Yoko Belnades
And now, here's the moment you have been waiting five months for; here's the number one way to kill Spiderbabe.
Number 1: The Scarlet Spider's Sting
*Houston, Texas*
Spiderbabe stood on top of a balcony waiting for someone….
Then she saw it: a figure wearing a red and black suit with pink lenses and black stripes. This was Kaine Parker, the Third Scarlet Spider.
"You've got be kidding. I just have to kill this tramp to get a Kill Trophy? This is too easy!"
Remembering that the note said that Patricia wasn't too bright, he took off his mask, revealing his handsome, but scarred face.
Patricia lets out a lecherous growl and walks up to Kaine. She leans in to try and kiss him…
When suddenly, she felt a sharp pain literally in her neck. Grabbing her neck, she felt a warm liquid escape from the pain center, while she also felt blood escaping from her mouth.
Kaine lifted his arm… revealing one of his bloodied stingers.*
"Yeah, that's what you get for making my "brother" look like a raging bisexual who would even try to get laid with Osborn of all people."
Spiderbabe fell to her knees before collapsing dead on the floor.
"Kiss that…BITCH."
And that's the five ways to kill Spiderbabe! I would like to thank Decker Marcus, Deidre and Delia Dennis, a.k.a. Dee Ivy and Dee Quinn, Kaine Parker, Yoko Belnades, and Jack Greene for their participation in this episode.
Unfortunately, Kaine couldn't be here for personal reasons. As for you guys, you've all got your kill trophies. Now is there anything you'd like to say before the show ends?
Decker: Yup. Welcome back from your long hiatus, Zachary.
Dee Ivy: Good to see that you haven't given up yet.
Dee Quinn: You said it, Red. As for this episode, we all know how crappy Spiderbabe is, so why don't we put this horrible protagonist where she belongs?
Yoko: I can't believe I'm saying this, but Delia's right. Ei Independent Cinema are among some of the worst XXX movie makers out there. If you have any recordings of parodies like this, destroy them.
Decker: Agreed, Yoko. If you want something better, get the A-List movies, like Spider-Man 2, Wonder Woman, Spider-Man: Homecoming, Captain America: The First Avenger, or even Avengers: Infinity War.
Jack: Yeah, get those movies, and don't buy or watch any of Eediot Independent Cinema's.
Well, if that's all you have to say, then that concludes this installment of Five Ways to Kill! I'll see you next time, but until then, this is Zachary Shields, signing off.
And with that, another episode of Five Ways to Kill is done.
Author Notes/Trivia:
-The versions of the Dee Dee Twins I used were based off concept art by zigwolf on Deviantart. I had Delia call Deidre Poison Ivy's nickname, "Red", as a little Easter Egg.
-I decided to downplay Spiderbabe's power to make look weaker than Spider-Man. The version of MJ Spidebabe was looking for is not from the comics. Rather he, yes he was from the Spiderbabe movie itself.
-The grenade Jack used was a smoke grenade filled with Ethyl Chloride, a common pesticide, which in the comic's was Spider-Man's kryptonite.
-Kaine's kill is based off Alexia's death scene in Underworld: Blood Wars, while the line he used after the kill was taken from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
So that's it. I hope you enjoyed this episode of Five Ways to Kill.