So many people had been lost. Grief was ripping through the ranks faster than any disease, shaking soldiers and civilians alike to their core. You could fight for a cause, believe that you could make a difference, but when that report came to your inbox and you learned the truth, that another planet had fallen, that people that were supposed to meet you at the end of the war wouldn't be able to make it...that faith was shaken.

Too many reports had gone out. She saw it every time she was on the Citadel. Shepard had known the war against the Reapers would be costly, but she hadn't see far enough ahead, hadn't seen what this kind of attrition would do to people. There was an emptiness in the eyes of the people that crowded the docking bays, people who had been there too long without word from their loved ones. Their despair shone as raw as any wound, an aching emptiness that threatened to devour them whole.

The dreams were the worst part. She had been avoiding sleep as long as she could, but when her body could take no more and she passed out, the nightmares pounced on her. It was a recurring theme. Lost in a forest, surrounded by shadows, with the voices speaking all around her. As the war had worn on and she had lost people close to home, she began to hear them through the cacophony of sound. Mordin. Legion. Even Kaidan, whose death had haunted her occasionally for the better part of three years, had come to add his questions to the chattering.

The more she tried to help, the louder the voices became. She thought Omega had been bad with the adjutants. Meeting Nyrene and then seeing the way she went out hadn't helped. Her fingers drifted to her face, tracing the seven-inch scar from above her left eyebrow to her right cheek. The damned things had been able to see through her tactical cloak too, an oversight that had led to three cracked ribs and a week off from active duty while she healed. She wasn't sure what had been worse, the pain or the gnawing need to get back out there.

But even the pain of internal injuries hadn't compared with the staggering loss on Thessia. The screams of the banshees mingled with those of the dying until it branded itself in her consciousness, following her off the planet for hours afterwards. Seeing Liara broken like that had shattered the part of her that was trying to be strong for everyone in the war. If she couldn't even help her own lover, what good was she to the rest of the galaxy?

Liara was helping the refugees from Thessia with her influence as the Shadow Broker, but Ferik had to rely on whatever support she could scrape together. She wanted to hide away from the war, pretend that nothing was happening like the people in the Praesidium Commons. Ignorance was bliss until you saw what the Reaper-turned populace did to those who thought they could hide from the storm.

She had been staring at the reports flooding in, numbly totalling the reported casualties after their defeat on Thessia by Cerberus, when the comm in her room crackled to life.

"Commander? Admiral Hackett would like to speak to you in the comm room." Specialist Traynor, always monitoring the channels. She had been an invaluable asset in saving lives and ferreting out hidden data.

"I'll be right there." Ferik moved like a machine, dragging herself to the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face in an effort to stave off the exhaustion that wanted to pull her back to the land of nightmares.

Traynor's look of concern as Shepard exited the elevator was barely noted. The Spectre knew she looked like hell. There were dark circles under her eyes, her hair was a mess, and she couldn't remember the last time she had showered. Hackett was waiting though, and she used his presence as an excuse to move past the specialist without explaining herself.

Hackett's hologram flickered into existence a little blurrier than normal. Was communication getting more difficult, or was the lack of sleep playing tricks on her mind? She pushed the question away and stood at attention.

"Sir, you wished to speak with me?"

"I did. I received your report about Thessia. I understand that an important piece of information regarding the Crucible fell into Cerberus' hands."

Ferik winced. She knew she'd have to face the Admiral sooner or later, but it felt like salt being poured in an open wound. "...that is correct, sir. We were ambushed by Kai Leng. He had backup. We fought back, but..." Her throat caught. She swallowed hard and forced the words out. "We lost the intel."

Hackett nodded gravely, the frown on his face clear despite the static in the communications. "I don't need to remind you that retrieving that intel is of high importance."

"Yes, sir. I...we..." How could she tell him that Kai Leng had disappeared without a trace and they had no idea where to start looking?

The admiral raised a hand to cut her off. Shepard fell silent. "But. I'm not contacting you just to remind you of a mission gone wrong. How are you and your crew holding up?"

She blinked, taken aback by the unexpected question. "Sir?"

"How are you and the Normandy's crew holding up, Commander? I know you're being pushed to your limits by trying to broker peace between the different races, and you've done an amazing job so far. Getting the krogan and the turians to set aside their differences after a thousand years of animosity is no small feat, and then you convince the geth and quarians to play nice. I don't know how you managed it."

Those had been successes, but with the defeat on Thessia and the look of Liara lying on her bed still fresh on her mind, it was hard to remind herself that she had been the arbitrator of events that no one had thought possible. "I...We're ready to go wherever you need us, Admiral."

"Good." Hackett's look softened a bit, or was that the swimming feeling behind her eyes? "Because your next stop is the Citadel."

"Of course, Admiral. Who do I need to speak to?"

"No one. I'm sending you and your crew there for repairs and shore leave."

Ferik stared at him. "...shore leave, sir? But, Cerberus just took important intel and-"

Hackett cut her off. "I'm well aware that Cerberus has the upper hand right now. I suspect you've been pushing yourself, and I can't imagine that Dr. T'Soni is handling the losses on Thessia any better than the rest of us."

"Sir, we can be where you need us. Colonies. Homeworlds. Just give the order and we'll be there."

Hackett's eyes narrowed. "I don't believe you understand, Commander. Thisis an order. The Normandy is in need of repairs. You've been playing tag with Reapers across a dozen systems and I want to make sure that your ship is in the best shape possible before sending you against Cerberus. You all need to be well-rested, and the circles under your eyes tell me that you are anything but."

"I..." It was an order, and one did not simply disobey a direct order from an Admiral without damn good cause. "I'll let the crew know, sir."

"Good. I've been asked to relay the coordinates of Anderson's apartment on the Citadel to you. I believe he wished to speak with you via vidchat when you arrived. Is there anything you wished to relay to me or ask about?"

She shook her head, still reeling from the unexpected turn in the conversation. "No, sir."

"Rest up for a few days while the Normandy undergoes repairs, then get out there and make Cerberus regret ever tangling with you." Hackett smiled briefly. "Hackett out."

Ferik saluted the hologram before it faded out, leaving her in a quiet comm room with her thoughts. Forced shore leave. That was a first. She took a deep breath and let it out, composing herself. It would be nice to take a few days off, if the war would leave her be for that long.