'You're always there for me, I see you in my dreams, my sacrifice, my paradise, my happy ending to the least, every day and every night, I'm wanting, I want you, and until the end of time, I'll love you, I'll love you, I gotta die for me to get to heaven'
No one understood. No one would ever understand. No one knew the extent of the pain behind her dead, emotionless eyes. Voices echo throughout her mind, causing her head to ache and becoming increasingly, agonisingly heavy, so much so she has to close her eyelids in an attempt to soothe the pain. Tonight was worse than ever, and this time she didn't want to fight it, wanting to give in, she had only ever admitted to the torment she still received mentally from Frank, but the truth was that wasn't all. His voice occasionally became muffled, over powered by a much stronger influence in her life. His voice comforts her, in the strangest of ways. As she sits alone, she feels safer, much safer than she has in months. For each of Frank's jealous and bitter jibes was now completely over shadowed by a single word of Liam's. She hears him call her name, and she knows he's waiting for her. A thought crosses her mind, and usually it would be the deepest of idea's, but this one is different, in her mind it is a happy thought, one that could mean she would be content once more, one that would set her free and release her from the nightmare she was currently living.
It takes all of her remaining energy to prise her increasingly heavy eyelids open, her vision blurriness slowly decreasing as she studies the room, the one that holds so many memories of different emotions. She looks over at the far wall fixated on the pattern of the wall paper, the sound of shattering glass flooding into her thoughts, as she remembers the last conversation she shared with Paul. Remembering the scorn that protruded his features, but she was strong back then, strong enough control the situation, to make him back down and walk away from her, how hadn't she managed to do the same with Frank? Then she remembers. Liam. It was him who had managed to break through her rock hard exterior, exposing the more vulnerable side of her personality, because that had been the Carla he had fallen in love with, he had always known the 'bitch' was a front. He was the only one she had managed to be herself with, feeling completely at ease in his company. She wished she could feel his arms around her shoulders like before. Like she does when she eventually managers to force her body to rest and her mind allows her to drift into happier thoughts, away from Frank. Just the thought of his smile is enough to force the corners of her mouth to attempt to curl ever so slightly and her eyes cast over to the doorway, as she reminisces the times she waited impatiently awaiting his arrival, because he was the only person she desperately wanted to see. Each time there is a gentle knock on the door, or the buzzer goes off, her heart still skips a beat, hoping it might just be him. That he is still here, that he never left her and is standing on the opposite side of the wooden door. She knows its crazy, deep down she knows she needs to accept he is no longer there, but the truth is, she doesn't want to, she just wants to be back in his embrace. Tony, Frank, Peter, none of them would ever compare and she is wracked with guilt for all the pain and heartache she has caused through living a lie. Knowing no one but Liam would ever hold the key to her heart.
Her eyes catch sight of the small plastic bottle sat on the small set of draws at the side of the room, she reaches out and takes hold of them in her hand, carefully analysing the writing on the label before slowly unscrewing the cap and pouring a dozen or so into the clammy palm of her hand, she stares into them and all she see's is herself being reunited with Liam, she knew if they could just be together once more she could take away all her pain, protect her from the likes of Tony and Frank, and help to rebuild her up to the woman she used to be, the only way she could recover would be to be reunited with him. Her hands begin to clam up as she grips the small white tablets, knowing they could be her escape route. She wonders if she is brave to go through with it, but then she begins to think of what she has to live for, the only other person she cared for was Michelle, but she was perfectly happy miles away with her own new life. She wouldn't miss her, and Peter would get over her. She pours the remainders of her wine in her glass and allows a deep breath to escape her lungs, a line of sweat brimming on her forehead. She reaches across and takes hold of the small photo hidden behind the oversized mirror, hating how she had always had to hide it from everybody, as if it was something to be ashamed of.
Her mind is made up as she looks at the photograph, their arms wrapped around each other and over sized grins plastered across their faces. She wants to go back to that, not wanting to remain in the world without him as she has finally realised she simply cannot survive without him.
Her eyes clamp shut as she throws the pills into her mouth, before taking a large gulp of the deep red liquid, the tears stinging her eyes as fear overpowers her. Her limbs begin to tense and become sore and heavy, a flood of tiredness filling her form, as her eyes begin to close, she clutches the photo close to her heart, before sinking into her sofa, her eyes finally shutting and her body closing down
She could only hope that Liam would be waiting for her, and that they could finally be together and finally be happy.