Title: Stuck On You (all-dialogue silliness)
Series: Star Trek: Voyager
Author: Singing Violin
Rating: T
Summary: Someone's played a prank on the Command Duo.
Disclaimer: They're not mine.
Feedback: Yes please.
Archiving: Anywhere.
Author's note: The therapeutic value of writing this (sigh, finals) far exceeded its artistic merit. It's really very silly, and doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But I wanted to share - not to torture you, but because you might get a laugh out of it (even if it's a laugh at me for writing such a thing).

"Commander, the hug is appreciated, but you can release me now."

"Umm. I can't."

"Don't make me make it an order."

"I'm stuck, Captain. There must have been some sort of adhesive on your back."

"What?!"

"I'm...stuck to your uniform."

"Well, we can't just stay like this. I guess we have to go to Sickbay."

"In this position?"

"Unless you can offer an alternative, Commander..."

"Umm, do we meet the requirements for emergency transport?"

"No. Not a life-threatening situation. Besides, can you reach your commbadge? Or mine, for that matter?"

"I suppose not. But I don't exactly want to walk out onto the bridge like this...and walking in general is going to be somewhat...awkward."

"Agreed. We certainly wouldn't want to give satisfaction to whichever member of the crew set us up."

"And I bet I know which one that was. The one who told me that 'the Captain looks like she needs a hug.'"

"That's circumstantial. Besides, to tell the truth, I did need a hug."

"How often do you need a hug, Captain?"

"More often than I can afford to ask for one. But keep that between us, okay?"

"Certainly, Captain. My lips are sealed. Though after this, one might expect you to be reluctant to accept future hugs."

"Perhaps. Though presumably we can avoid this situation in the future."

"Are you telling me you'd like me to hug you more often?"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. We have a problem to solve at the moment."

"Right."

"I've been thinking..."

"About us?"

"Yes, about how to get us out of this."

"Oh."

"You're stuck to my uniform, not me. Correct?"

"I suppose so. What do you suggest?"

"Well, obviously I have to undress. A particular challenge with you still attached to my clothing."

"Are you sure that's such a good idea, Captain? I mean, I..."

"Surely, Commander, you are capable of detaching yourself...sorry, no pun intended...from the situation?"

"I..."

"I'll take that as a yes...ungh."

"Wow, I didn't know that was possible."

"I don't know that it is. I need a topology review here. We may need to cheat."

"Cheat?"

"You know, replicate something sharp and cut this thing off."

"You want me to...cut your clothing off?"

"No, your hands aren't exactly free. I'll do it myself."

"Captain, uh..."

"Don't worry, Commander. I understand that certain parts of your anatomy may respond in undesired ways. We'll just have to be adults about this and ignore them."

"Yes, Captain."

"Computer, one pair of scissors..."

"Captain, I..."

"What is it, Commander?"

"I was just wondering...if there was any other alternative..."

"What is it now, Commander?"

"Well, I'm just afraid you'll hurt yourself trying to do this...sharp objects and all."

"I'm perfectly capable of using a pair of scissors, Commander."

"But you can't see, and..."

"If I didn't know better, Chakotay, I'd think you were trying to avoid seeing me undressed. Am I that bad looking?"

"Uh, I don't think there's proper answer to that question."

"Nevermind, just hold on a second. We'll be out of this predicament in a moment...Commander, can you twist a little so I can get at...? Oh dear..."

"I tried to warn you."

"No, it's my fault. At least I know the answer to the question you refused to address."

"Now what?"

"Well, we continue as planned. Though perhaps we can wait a little while...this does feel good..."

"Captain?"

"Oh come on, Commander, you thought you were the only one whose anatomy was responding?"

"Captain, has anyone ever told you that you're a hopeless romantic?"

"You'd be the first."

"No surprise there."

"On second thought, perhaps we shouldn't wait."

"Yes, Captain."

"There, I've got it...we're free."

"And you're...uh...naked."

"Oh, that. Well, it was hard to cut just the outer layer of clothing. You know, I don't think this is quite fair."

"Captain?"

"Brace for impact, Commander, I have a pair of scissors and I know how to use them..."

"Captain!"

"Too late, Commander. Now we're even."

"And horny."

"What was that?"

"Nevermind. Let's replicate new uniforms. And then ask Tuvok to figure out who did this to us."

"No need, Chakotay. I've found out what I needed to know. Engage privacy lock."

"Wait, you set me up? And it wasn't locked before?!"

"If someone had interrupted us before, we could have easily explained ourselves. But I'd rather we not get caught doing what we're about to do."

"Which is what, exactly?"

"I think you know, Commander...or at least, a certain part of your anatomy does..."

"Mmm, that feels nice."

"And you said I wasn't romantic..."

"Actually, I believe I was the first to say you were. God, I love you, Kathryn."

"I love you too, Chakotay. Now let's be quick before Tuvok starts to become suspicious."

"Umm, he was the one who told me you needed a hug."

"Smart man, that Vulcan."

"Uhh..."

"What is it now, Chakotay?"

"I think I'm stuck to you again. And it's definitely skin-to-skin now. You don't happen to have an appropriate solvent, do you?"

"No. But at least we can get to our commbadges now, since they're still on our uniforms."

"And then what?"

"Well, make an emergency transport to Sickbay, of course."

"I thought you said it wasn't a life-threatening situation."

"It is now."

"Excuse me?"

"If anyone sees us like this, we'll have to kill them."

"I see what you mean. What about the Doctor?"

"I know how to wipe his memory."

"In that case, care to indulge for a few more rounds before we bother the dear photonic?"

"With pleasure, Commander..."