Sequel Alliteration. The negotiations have ended well and the wedding is approaching. One trial awaits them. Ianto needs to tell his obnoxious brother Charlie about the wedding and introduce Jack.
A right Charlie!
"Thank you," Gwen said as Ianto placed the mug on her desk.
"You're welcome," Ianto replied quietly as he began to move away.
"Big night tonight," Gwen nudged him verbally. "I bet you are looking forward to seeing your brother. Jack told me all about it."
"Did he?" Ianto glanced towards Jack's office. "Just a quiet drink," Ianto replied trying to force a smile as he felt the pit of dread expand in his stomach that had started to grow the moment he had contacted his brother.
"Oi Tea-boy, where's my coffee? Why do you always serve her first?" Gwen and Ianto both turned to see Owen glaring at Ianto, his hands on his hips. "First you deliver coffee to Jack which is understandable because you are shacked up with and shagging him. Second is Tosh, and don't think I haven't noticed the special biscuits you provide her with, which she is currently stuffing her face with." Tosh guiltily hid her biscuit-filled hand behind her back. "Then it's Gwen. Not sure why she deserves to come next considering the way she used to nag ya. Nag, nag, nag. Bloody favouritism that's what it is."
Ianto strode over to where Owen was standing and thrust a coffee into Owen's hand, causing it to slop over his wrist.
Owen licked the coffee from his wrist. "Cold. That's the bloody trouble; by the time you get here mine is barely drinkable."
"That's because if it's cold there is no danger of you getting burnt," Ianto said with careful deliberation.
"What do you mean burnt? Don't think I can handle the hot stuff?"
"Na-not when it hits you f-f-full in the f-f-f-face."
"Passive aggression, that's your problem Jones. Bloody pathetic! See, can't get a bloody word out can you? Go on, spit it out," Owen continued as they all watched Ianto's lips start to form words. "Got nothing to say? Bleeding typical. Go on; say it."
"Fuck off!" Ianto shouted at him. He turned his back on Owen and stormed back towards Jack's office, the tray under his arm.
"What the hell are you doing?" Gwen bellowed at Owen. "Every bloody time...can't you just leave him alone?"
Owen raised his finger and smiled. "Unlike you lot I'm treating Ianto as I always have."
"But why? It makes no sense." Tosh sprayed a shower of crumps and coughed.
"Therapy."
"What?" Gwen burst out as Tosh took a sip of coffee.
"Therapy," Owen repeated. "And as neither of you noticed I'll point it out that 'Fuck Off' was near perfect."
A look of understanding grew on their faces.
"You're a sick man," Gwen told Owen, shaking her head.
"Soon he will have 'Fuck off and make your own coffee' stammer-free." He smiled taking a sip of coffee and groaning with satisfaction at Ianto's finest brew. "And he asked me for help."
"Ianto asked you for help?" Tosh looked at him.
"In preparation for tonight."
"Tonight?" Gwen asked.
"Yeah something about his brother?" Owen explained.
Do I look presentable?" Jack presented himself for inspection holding out his arms and doing a spin.
"It's my brother, trust me he won't notice."
"I'm not doing this for him. I want to make a good first impression."
"There's something I need to remind you about," Ianto said on a sharp intake of breath.
"Yes you said he's like Owen, a bit rough around the edges," Jack said, flicking a hand through his hair as he stood in front of the mirror.
"If Owen and he were brothers, Owen would be the shy, polite, nice one."
"Ouch." Jack picked up his wallet from the bedside table and placed it in his pocket.
"After just a few minutes you are going to feel this overwhelming urge to kill him." Jack looked at Ianto. "Seriously Jack, he has this effect on everyone. My father once predicted he wouldn't live to see thirty."
"That bad, huh?"
"Worse. He will press every button you have until all you will want to do is wipe the smirk off his face. This evening is going to be hard enough without you losing it."
"Everyone has that someone in their family…"
Ianto interrupted. "No one has anyone like Charlie. It's like his whole purpose in life is to get people riled up."
Jack took Ianto's hand. "I promise to be on my best behaviour, for your sake not his."
"I know. I wish I didn't have to do this but he is my only close family. And you've given me the honour of introducing me to Alice and Stephen."
"Ianto I understand. Family matters." Ianto lent his forehead against Jack's. ''You smell divine," Jack said, taking in the heady aroma of Ianto's aftershave lotion. Ianto saw hunger flash across Jack's eyes. "And we had better leave because all I can hear is the word 'ravish' echoing in my mind along with visions of me doing just that."
Ianto whispered in Jack's ear, "Get through tonight without seriously injuring my brother and you can ravish my brains out."
"Who is this then?" Charlie asked in a thick Welsh accent as Ianto joined him at the bar, accompanied by Jack.
"Hello Charlie, this is Jack Harkness," Ianto introduced him. "Jack this is my brother."
"Pleased to meet you," Jack said flashing his best smile and holding out his hand which Charlie ignored.
"How did you get dragged into coming here then?" Charlie asked Jack bluntly.
"To the point...I like that," Jack added in an attempt to keep positive.
"He's my pa-partner." Ianto explained.
"What, have you gone into business?" Charlie peered at Ianto. "No, can't see you talking to customers." He nudged Jack. "Works for you, does he? What do you do? I know...selling things on the internet. I'm right aren't I? Unless his fingers have the same stammer as his gob. I hope not because by the time he's managed to send out an order a year would have passed."
He looked Jack up and down and another thought came to him. "Or have you taken up ballroom dancing with Mr. Fancy Pants here? On the other hand how the hell did you manage to leave the house? Who leads...you or him?" He laughed at his own joke.
"Drink?" Jack offered through his teeth.
Charlie immediately tipped the almost-full glass in his hand down his throat in a couple of gulps. "I'll have pint of Brains bitter," he said and slammed the now empty glass down on the bar.
"A pint of Brains bitter, I'll have a half of SA Gold," Jack gave the barmaid their order. Jack looked at Ianto. "Usual?" He saw Ianto nod. "And a diet cherry coke with ice."
"You're not still drinking that shit are you Ianto? When are you going to ditch the kiddie shit and start drinking like a man?" Charlie stated loudly.
"A man like you?" Jack bristled and felt Ianto pull on his hand.
"Bloody right. No real man would be caught drinking that shit," Charlie said as the drinks were placed in front of them.
Picking up the glass Charlie proceeded to drink half in a single swallow. "That hit the spot," he belched, wiping his sleeve across his lips then looked at the glass in appreciation.
"What do you do?" Jack asked trying to keep his voice level.
He looked at Ianto and curled his lower lip. "I do a real job, one that doesn't need a suit. I drive a long distance lorry."
Jack nodded. "In the UK?"
"Now what's this big thing you have to share?" Charlie ignored Jack's question.
"L-l-l-let's sit down," Ianto suggested. Jack squeezed Ianto's arm in support because he knew the stress of the situation was making Ianto's stammer a thousand times worse.
"You're not still doing that lalalalalal rubbish," Charlie mimicked in a singsong voice. "Comes from that shit you're drinking." He pointed to the glass in Ianto's hand then turned to Jack. "Used to drive me crazy as a kid. We would rile him up and see how long it was before he exploded then count how long it took to get out any swear words." He laughed at the memory. "F-f-f-f was fuck c-c-c-c was cunt." He was laughing so hard he had to wipe his eyes.
"We?" Jack asked his eyes narrowing as he saw Ianto begin to flush a bright red.
"Me and my mate Dave."
"Did you," Jack said. He gripped his glass and felt his other hand form into a fist. He stood abruptly and indicated with his head towards the toilets. "Excuse me, got to see a man about a dog."
A few moments later Ianto's mobile rang. He opened it and found it was a text from Jack.
'I can't do it. I'm gonna kill him.'
'I tried to warn you.'
'Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr'
'You've a hero Jack. You've faced down worse. He is just my brother.'
'Yes but he is insulting you!'
'It's what he does to get a reaction. If we can face this nothing that happens moving forward will ever be as bad. And you've already beaten the record.'
'Record?'
'Fist to face: 90 secs'
'Really?'
'Really.'
'I am taking deep breaths. I'm coming out''
'Lve U.'
'Lve U'
"My round," Charlie drained the rest of his glass as Jack returned. Charlie called the barmaid over. "Same again love. Bet you get a lot of service around here with those tits?" He leered, pulling out his wallet.
"Oi none of that here, this is respectable establishment," they heard the bar owner yell out and saw him point a finger Charlie's way.
"You wanna make something of it?" Charlie spat out.
"Let's sit down," Jack pulled Charlie around and pushed him towards a table.
Trying to control the hot burn of fury still burning in his chest Jack sat down then took a long swallow of his beer. He closed his eyes to centre himself. Ianto was right it was taking every ounce of self-control he possessed not to feed Charlie down the waste disposal unit in the sink behind the bar.
"All right what this big news you couldn't tell me over the phone?" Charlie said after had downed half of his new pint.
Ianto took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Jack took his hand and interlaced their fingers.
"I-I-I'm-m-m getting m-m-m-married."
Charlie choked on his beer then stared at Ianto open-mouthed.
Moments of silence passed. Ianto glanced at Jack when suddenly Charlie slapped his hand on his leg and threw his head back laughing. "So you finally found some woman who is blind, deaf and stupid?"
Ianto felt Jack start to lift himself out of his seat but stopped when Ianto squeezed his hand tightly. Jack glanced at Ianto's face who was pleading with his eyes and Jack ground his teeth.
"N-n-n-n-n-no," Ianto struggled to get out.
Charlie looked around. "Well where is she then? Or have you got her hidden away somewhere because she's not used to being allowed out? Not much of a looker eh?"
"J-j-j-"
Charlie sat back and stroked his chest as he puffed it out. "I get it; you didn't bring her because you couldn't handle the competition. Couldn't trust she would meet your brother and see a real man and leave with me." He pointed at himself.
"To Jack," Ianto finally stated.
Charlies face fell in confusion.
"I'm getting married to Jack."
"Me," Jack pointed to himself.
"Us." Ianto took Jack's hand and placed it on the table.
"In four weeks," Jack added as he saw Charlie's face flush a deep red.
"You're what? Are you that desperate no woman would have you, you turned to men?"
"I've always..." Ianto tried to explain but Charlie interrupted him.
"Look, I can find you half a dozen women who aren't too picky."
Jack felt himself ready to explode as the fury that had been building all night seemed to hitch up a notch.
"I'll put in a good word for you, tell them you're not much of a talker. Just keep your bloody mouth shut and they won't be none-the-wiser. I'm sure if we find a way for you never to meet before the big day. That way you don't have to worry about your looks." Charlie carried on, oblivious the effect to the man next to him who was breathing faster and faster.
Charlie shook his head. "That won't work because the stupid cow will want to meet you. Look, I'm going abroad next week to get some horizontal refreshment from some Asian tarts. I'll bring back one for you duty-free, make all the arrangements. You can meet her at the registry office. I've got money."
"It's Jack. I love him." Ianto said clearly.
"And I love him," Jack replied.
"Oh I see how this works," Charlie said now glaring at Jack.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Jack growled.
"Well...older man, Ianto on his own..."
"No, I don't so you had better explain it to me," Jack snarled.
"Taking advantage...him with his speech and problems going out...finding a way to turn him bender..."
"That's not how it was," Ianto jumped in. "Jack had no idea how I felt."
"We worked together a long time, nine months. I had no idea how Ianto felt, he had no idea how I felt," Jack explained.
"What...Ianto got drunk and threw himself at you and you didn't say no?" Charlie snorted in disgust as he looked towards Jack then Ianto. "I'm right. And he was so desperate you took your chance."
Jack gripped the edge of the table so tightly his knuckles were white.
"Why am I not surprised? Can't hold his booze bloody loser." Charlie now stood and drained his beer. He leaned over and finished Jack's then looked at him. "What the fuck could you see in him?" He pointed at Ianto. "Dog fucking ugly; can't get a word out. Even someone who takes it up the arse needs something to work with or are you always on top?" He belched. "What I'm asking is how do you compensate for his obvious deficiencies?" He wiggled his little finger.
Jack exploded out of his chair, knocking over the table as glasses flew off in several directions. Jack took two fistfuls of Charlie's shirt front and dragged him up so they were nose to nose. "You pathetic excuse for a human being. Your brother is twice the man you are," Jack hissed into his face
"Ger off," Charlie spat back realising he was on tiptoes.
"You're lucky I made a promise tonight because I would like nothing more than to beat you into oblivion." Jack shook him.
"Yeah?" Charlie egged him on.
"Yeah," Jack said with glee.
"Jack." Ianto pulled on Jack's arm, desperate to get his attention.
"You'd have to be a real man to hit me you p…" He said no more as Jack drew his right arm back and punched him in the jaw. Charlie flew backwards and landed flat on his back on one of the barroom tables, which disintegrated with a crunch underneath him. Jack stood glaring at him struggling to breathe as Ianto held onto his arm.
"Don't Jack it's what he wants."
"Fucking poof," Charlie shouted from the floor. Jack took a step forward his fists clenched, only to find Ianto's hands on his upper arms trying to hold him back. Grinding his teeth and panting Jack looked at Charlie who was pulling himself up. Jack looked at Ianto, turned and stormed out. Outside Jack pounded into the car park. On reaching their car he paced up and down looking towards the pub. Stopped, turned back, and then headed back to their parked car. "Your father was right, your brother is not going to live till he's thirty."
They heard a scuffle behind them as Charlie was thrown out. "Fucking wankers you can't fucking throw me out. It was that poof's fault, he started it!" He pounded on the door.
"Ianto how is it that he and you come from the same parents?"
"None of are sure," Ianto said, looking in Charlie's direction. "We think there may have b-been a terrible mix up at the hospital." Jack now bent over his hands on his knees taking in gulps of air. "Did I tell you about my uncle's funeral? My aunt and her sister along with one of my cousins tried to bury him alive."
Jack looked up. "We still can, you know, bury him alive."
"Don't tempt me." Ianto pulled out his keys. "I'll drive."
"Yeah you had better because if get behind the wheel I might be tempted to run him down," Jack said maliciously looking between the car and Charlie who appeared to be having a major argument with one of the occupants of the pub who had reacted to his insults.
"I'm not going risk damage to my Audi," Ianto replied indignantly. "Have you any idea how much it costs to take out dents? And anyway we need a vehicle with bullbars like the SUV to run him down."
"That or a tank," Jack suggested.
"No way am I cleaning up that mess."
"We need a drive-through tank wash with special attention to the tracks," Jack told him.
"Got to get one first."
"Drive-through tank wash?"
Ianto rolled his eyes. "No...a tank."
"Don't worry about that. I know several people who have access to a tank. Several in fact," Jack replied, smiling.
"Another old flame?"
"Oh yeah and you should have seen the flame…" he got no further as Ianto pushed him up against the car for a snog.
"That's for being bloody wonderful. Now take me home and ravish me," Ianto ordered when they pulled back.
"Yes sir," Jack saluted and got into the car.