Felicity has a way of closing her eyes when her heart is breaking.
The morning that she had woken up to her mother sobbing in the kitchen, a tissue clutched over her mouth as the tears cascaded down her cheeks, blazing trails of mourning over porcelain skin; That had been the first time. When her mother had held her tight and explained that bubbe was gone, that she was in a better place and no longer in pain... Felicity had closed her eyes and willed her heart to keep beating.
The afternoon, in college, when Jake had told her it was over after nearly two years of dating. He'd walked away the second Felicity's eyelids had slipped shut, shuttering away the pain that ripped and clawed just beneath her rib cage. Alone in her dorm, Felicity kept them closed in the hopes that if she didn't open them she could remain suspended in the darkness, never having to let the world know she was broken.
Felicity had thought she'd felt the worst pain the universe could throw her way. She honestly believed that there was nothing left to take, nothing left to twist and mangle.
Felicity never saw him coming. Yet, suddenly, there was something there again. Something beating beneath her breast, reminding her of what it was like to love someone who wasn't blood. Reminding her that she could love someone who didn't share her DNA. There was warmth in her chest, a blossoming light where she'd felt nothing but hollow and jagged for so long she couldn't remember what it felt like to breathe and not throb with the pain of it.
For the first time in years, Felicity had hope that she might be okay. She may be normal after all, and all it took was a leather clad, hooded vigilante with soulful blue eyes and a smile so rare that when it shone, it was blinding.
And then there'd been the night in the hotel. Oliver opened the door to his suite before she could knock. Felicity swayed on the spot, her heart beating its now familiar cadence at the sight of him. The smile she gave him was of its own volition. She'd lost the ability to control her mouth around Oliver the moment he'd stepped into her office with a ruined laptop and a tightly withheld secret. Isabel sauntered out of the room behind him, her dress clasped at her neck but the zipper open down her back. Felicity's eyes had closed in defense when she returned her gaze to Oliver's. He'd made to speak, her name leaving his lips on an apology she wasn't willing to hear. Her heart had gone cold in her chest, sharp pain piercing through to the very center of her soul, but it refused to cease its beating.
That afternoon, after Moscow, when Oliver told her that sleeping with Isabel didn't mean anything... The whole conversation made her chest hurt. It ached in a way that it hadn't since she was 16 and finally understood that her father was never coming back; Felicity's heart broke so loudly that she heard it in her ears, felt it all the way to her toes. She was surprised that Oliver didn't flinch back from the shards of glass, once upon a time the pieces of her heart, that sent echoes of despair slicing through the air.
The day that she'd been scouring through security footage and seen Oliver and Sara drowning in one another, Felicity had slammed her eyes shut so hard her glasses had slipped down her nose. She held her breath, praying to whoever was willing to listen that the floor might open up and swallow her whole, or that the building would collapse in on her, crushing her beneath its concrete and steel just so she never had to open her eyes again and see the man she'd come to adore writhing and panting with someone else.
The night that The Clock King had so thoroughly fucked up her computers and servers that she felt like sobbing over their sad, ruined forms... Diggle had stuck close to her, understanding that she was closing in on her breaking point quicker than was safe for any of them. She was feeling tattered and exposed, every part of her soul showing cracks. "Why do you even need me now that you have her?" Felicity had asked Digg, feeling pouty and petulant but unable to muster the strength to care. "Because you're irreplaceable, Felicity." John had told her, every ounce of his love for her carrying through his words. Felicity had felt some of the tension in her heart ease and release, breaking in a way that only seemed to make it stronger, made it feel like a heart again.
Felicity had taken a bullet for Sara, thrown herself in the path of Tockman's bullet with no thought other than she couldn't just stand by and watch her friend die. Drugged and freshly stitched up, Felicity had regressed to babble mode, unable to stop herself from admitting to Oliver that she missed being his girl. "Hey," Oliver had murmured, cupping her face gently in the palm of his hand, "you will always be my girl, Felicity." The second his hand had touched her face her eyes had slipped shut. Her heart broke with the understanding that while she'd always be his girl, she'd never be his girl. Sara was his girl and Felicity was his partner, one of his best friends. She'd savored that touch, clinging to it for far too many nights to follow.
Felicity did her best to move on from Oliver. She even found herself hoping that things with Barry might pick up again once his condition improved and he returned to the land of the awake and date-able.
Until the night that Deathstroke attacked Star Lab's storage facility. After making sure that Caitlin and Cisco were unharmed, and introducing them to Digg, Felicity had made to walk away. She'd already asked about Barry's status and promised she'd be visiting soon, when Cisco had mentioned someone named Iris visiting Barry regularly. Felicity had halted in her place, spinning on her heel to turn back. "Who's Iris?" she'd needed to know. "His something." was all Cisco had been capable of explaining, but Felicity had known. In her fracturing heart she had known. Another man who held a part of her within them but whom she would never have for her own. Her eyes had closed even as she walked away, John silent but ever supportive beside her.
The day Oliver and Sara broke-up was the day Felicity's heart had shattered for two people at the same time, neither of them being herself. It broke for Sara because she felt the need to leave Starling City, trying to find a new place for herself in Gotham. Of all the people in the world, Felicity understood Sara's need for distance better than probably anyone. Felicity had found Oliver at the Foundry, his chin resting on his chest as his head hung down in defeat. Felicity hadn't spoken, hadn't let so much as a loud breath pass between her lips. She simply sank down onto the floor beside him, her hip pressed flushed to his, her fingers weaving between the ones on the closest of his hands. Oliver squeezed her fingers, a stuttered breath tripping from his lips as he leaned into her, his head coming to rest on her shoulder. Her eyes closed when her heart creaked, old wounds opening and new ones forming. Three. Her heart broke for three people that day, and her eyes remained closed until early the next morning.
It was almost six months later when Oliver kissed her for the first time. Thea had just been released from the hospital, her doctor having given her a mostly clean bill of health but warning that she'd need looking after for the next few days. Oliver had been overwhelmed with love for his baby sister, relief that she was going to live to see her next birthday and that Boomerang hadn't succeeded in killing her. After Felicity helped Thea change into pajamas and made sure she was tucked comfortably into her own bed, Felicity had left her. She'd gone in search of Oliver to see if he needed anything before she went home for the night. Felicity found Oliver talking to Roy, who was on his way upstairs, a pharmacy bag clutched in his hand. Roy smiled at Felicity as he passed her on the stairs, their easy friendship something Felicity was always grateful for. Oliver had walked her to her car, made sure she was going to be okay, alone in her apartment. "I'll be fine, Oliver." Felicity had promised, risking her sanity and reaching out to slide her thumb over the stubbled edge of his jaw. Oliver kissed her softly, his worry bitten lips settling against hers gingerly. Felicity's eyes fluttered shut and her heart broke. It didn't shatter and it most definitely didn't hurt. Her heart simply forgot how to beat.
It was two years after that that Felicity found herself standing at the beginning of a seemingly infinite aisle, Oliver beaming at her, his eyes shining wetly, while he waited at the other end. Felicity had moved toward him, her eyes never leaving his, her heart tap dancing behind her ribs while John held her arm in his. Sheer joy radiated from Oliver's fingertips when he reached for her hand. It zinged along her skin, thrumming through her like electricity. They read the vows they'd written themselves, listened while the officiant spoke the words they had picked out, and tried to stop the delirious smiles that curled their lips. It had been a useless effort. Felicity had never felt so full of love and life as she had in that moment. Looking at Oliver, for the first time in as long as she could remember, she felt whole. When Oliver had leaned in and kissed his bride, Felicity's eyes sank closed. This time, it wasn't just her heart that broke. Every piece of her mind and soul fell to rubble under his kiss in preparation of the new, stronger foundation they were going to build, together.
Four more years and a thousand tiny heartbreaks later, Felicity was still unprepared for the undiluted emotions that coursed through her as she stared down at the tiny bundle of pink in her arms. Her brain couldn't process how much love she already felt for her daughter, a delicate but feisty newborn, barely a few hours old. Felicity was exhausted, her body screaming at her to sleep, but she couldn't tear her gaze away from the perfection she held in her arms, the angel who wore her father's nose and stern expression already. "You need to rest, Felicity." Oliver murmured beside her, his fingers skimming over the delicate fingers of his daughter's teeny little hand. "I can't put her down, Oliver. How do parents do this?" Felicity whispered, tears streaming unchecked down her face. "How am I supposed to let the nurses take her away?" Oliver kissed his wife's temple, moisture brimming in his own eyes. "Give her to me. Get some sleep. We'll both be right here when you wake up." Oliver promised. It was another half an hour before Felicity finally, reluctantly, let Oliver take their daughter. He stayed beside her on the bed, holding the baby close to his chest while Felicity tried to find a reasonably comfortable position to settle into. She was half curled around Oliver by the time she stopped moving, her head on his chest, a few mere inches away from where their daughter slept, blissfully unaware of how frightened her mother was to close her eyes. "Sleep, Felicity." Oliver commanded gently. "We're not going anywhere." Felicity sniffled, scooting back just far enough that she could lay eyes on both her husband and her daughter.
This time when Felicity's eyes close her heart doesn't break. This time, when her eyes finally drift shut, her heart is no longer her own. She no longer carries it in her chest, no longer holds it within her ribcage. Her heart now resides on the outside, carried in the world by the only people she would ever trust to keep it safe. It belongs to the two souls beside her, her adoring husband and her newborn daughter.
This time, when Felicity's eyes close, she's drifting into sleep and her heart is whole, all the cracks and hollows filled in with gold.