The American Gothic Vortex

Chapter 01, Before the Storm Consideration

Author's Note: This story begins approaching three months after Penny gave birth to her and Leonard's daughter Emily. There is an entire story line and a number of characters that will be unfamiliar to you if you have not read the Home Invasion Proposition and the Expansion Paradigm. I'm setting the stage in this chapter for some things that will happen shortly, so please bear with me.

#

Sheldon sat on the end of the sofa wiggling his bottom.

"Ehhhhhhh, no," he said.

"What's wrong with this one?" Penny said.

"It just doesn't have that je ne sais quois that the other one had," Sheldon said.

Penny rolled her eyes and said, "Sheldon, this is the twelfth furniture store we've visited since I had Emily and probably about the one-hundredth sofa you've tried. I still don't know why the old sofa wouldn't have done. We had it cleaned. I don't see why you got rid of it."

"I know what took place on it," Sheldon said. "It had that smell."

"Sheldon, the smell it had was cleaning fluid because we had it cleaned four times. That smell will go away. And what happened, that you seem to think was so disgusting, was I gave birth to my daughter, your goddaughter. That's a beautiful thing."

"Maybe you had a stroke during the delivery and don't remember," Sheldon said. "There was blood and bodily fluids all over the place. It looked as if someone had food processed a live pig. I couldn't even look at the sofa, much less sit on it."

"Which is why you paid the college students $20 to carry it away and brought the folding lawn chairs out of storage, no doubt," Penny said.

"Hey, guys, what's the verdict?" Leonard, who was carrying a sleeping Emily, said as he approached them.

"It just doesn't have that French something or other," Penny said. "The Princess here felt a pea."

"It just does not sing to me," Sheldon said.

"Sheldon," Leonard said, "I'm the one who bought the old sofa, but I gave it to you when I left. This sofa costs [looking at the tag] $1100.00. We've offered to buy you a new sofa. That sounds like a good deal to me. Look: This one folds out into a queen-size bed in case you have company."

"I don't like company."

"Sheldon, this is a perfectly good sofa," Penny said.

"What can I say, Penny. The ass wants what the ass wants."

Penny laughed and said, "You said it, Sheldon, I didn't."

"What? Is that sarcasm? The new sofa is out there somewhere. We're just going to have to keep on looking, no matter how long it takes," Sheldon said.

"Well, we're going to have to continue this later. I'm starving," Penny said.

"You eat all the time now," Sheldon said.

"Sheldon," Penny said, "I'm breast-feeding. I'm literally eating for two."

"At least you used 'literally' correct for a change," Sheldon said.

#

Bernadette dialed Leonard as he brought Penny's food tray and put it down in front of her.

"Hi, Leonard. [Pause] Baby, I need some more of the good stuff. [Pause] No, I'm Jonesing bad. I gotta have it. I'll do anything. [Pause] Sheldon can wait. I gotta have it, and I gotta have it now. [Pause] No, I'll watch Emily while you get it for me if Penny needs to read her script. [Pause] OK, call me. I'll drive on over to your house and wait."

Leonard put his phone back into the Otterbox holster. "That was Bernadette," he said. "She's craving my homemade brownies. She's having Howard drive her to Sugar-n-Spice on the way to get some onion rings and mozzarella cheese sticks, and then they're heading to our house."

"I don't blame her," Penny said. "You do make great brownies." Penny picked up her cell phone and dialed Bernadette. "Hi, Bernadette: When you go to Sugar-n-Spice, could you get me an order of onion rings too? And some of the cheese sticks with extra marinara sauce. [Pause] OK."

Leonard's phone rang again. "Oh, hi, Patti. [Pause] No, we're out with Sheldon trying again to find a replacement sofa. [Pause] Sheldon can do what to himself? [Pause] You have to have some of my homemade salsa? [Pause] Bernadette is on the way over because she wants some of my homemade brownies. [Pause] OK, I'll make a batch for you too. [Pause] No, she's going to have Howard take her by Sugar-n-Spice for onion rings and mozzarella cheese sticks. [Pause] You too? They just called, so you still have time to call them. [Pause] OK, Penny's having a snack, and then we'll head home. We should be there in about half an hour."

"I want brownies too," Penny said as she scarfed down the veggie wrap Leonard had ordered for her.

"OK, so I need to stop off at Whole Foods," Leonard said. "All right, Patti, I'll see you in about 45 minutes."

"Penny," Sheldon said. "How is it you're back to your pre-pregnancy figure, considering how much you eat?"

"Sheldon, do you have any idea how many calories I have to eat to keep up with Emily? She's an eating machine: That's her job right now. Thank you, by the way: I still have 12 pounds to go to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight."

"You look the same to me," Sheldon said.

"Aw, sweetie, I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me," Penny said.

"I wasn't trying to be nice," Sheldon said.

#

Bernadette took a huge bite of one of Leonard's brownies.

"Careful, Bernadette," Leonard said as he inverted the second pan of brownies onto the cooling rack. "They're pretty hot. I don't want to burn you, so, next time, you may want to let me finish taking the pan out of the oven before you start grabbing brownies."

Bernadette's eyes rolled back in her head. "Oh, Leonard. Leave Penny and run away with me. This is heaven."

"Easy there, sweet tooth," Howard said.

Leonard put the next two batches of brownies in the oven and closed the door. He went over to the Vita-Mix and poured the next batch of salsa into a bowl. He moved the bowl to the table.

"Here you go," Wyatt said, coming through the door. "Four more bags of tortilla chips."

"Thanks, Wyatt," Leonard said. "Ordinarily, I would make my own chips, but these ladies are keeping me pretty busy."

"Leonard," Patti said, spooning salsa onto a chip. "Bernadette is right. Run away with her and me and keep us in brownies and salsa. Penny, let's have some more of the onion rings. Gina, aren't you going to have any?"

Gina sipped her white wine as she held a wide-awake Emily, who had a serious but interested look on her face. "I may have a brownie and maybe an onion ring or two," she said. "I'm sitting here in wonder at how much you guys are eating. It's like a pack of hyenas eating a gazelle."

"Leonard," Wyatt said. "I'm going to fire up the gas grill for us guys. You want a burger?"

"I have some sandwich-size Portobello mushrooms in the crisper," Leonard said. "They make great burgers."

Wyatt and Howard stared at Leonard. "You have to be kidding," Wyatt said.

"You sure the burger won't smear your lipstick?" Howard said.

"Hey, there's nothing unmanly about eating healthy," Leonard said. "Besides, the Portobello burgers are great."

"Sheldon," Wyatt said. "You want a regular burger or one of Leonard's?"

"I don't eat fungi," Sheldon said. "I'll have a grilled cheese, please."

"I want a Portobello burger," Penny said.

"Me too," Bernadette said.

"Me too," Patti said.

"I'll pass," Gina said. "Mike and I are going to the Cheesecake Factory before the movie."

#

[Author's note for my friends who are not familiar with North American culture: A bunny suit is a one-piece pajama set with feet.]

Leonard stood behind the counter as Norah O'Donnell, who was holding Emily, introduced him.

"Our favorite couple is back at CBS This Morning, and they brought a new member of our CBS family with them. [The camera moved in for a tight close-up of Emily, wearing a cute bunny suit, who stuck out her tongue and kicked.] This is my newest friend, Emily Grace Hofstadter, who is about to be three months old. We first met Penny on Valentine's Day, 2013, after she had fought off four home invaders, inflicting serious injuries on three of them. We came to know her and her fiance-now her husband-Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, and now they have their daughter Emily Grace Hofstadter. [The camera focused on Penny as Norah handed Emily off to her.] You can see Penny in Nerds on Thursdays at 8:00 p.m. on CBS and her and Leonard on Science and Technology Week on Wednesdays at 8:00 p.m. on the National Geographic Channel. Leonard's here with nutritionist Arletta Hill to show us how he's feeding Penny while she breast-feeds their daughter. I should add that Leonard leaves in a few days to travel to Stockholm to receive the Nobel Prize in physics for his work with the so-called 'God Particle.' Hi, Leonard, Arletta. It's great to see both of you."

"Hi, Norah," Arletta said.

"It's good to see you again," Leonard said.

"Leonard," Norah said, "Before we get started, congratulations to you and Penny on your beautiful daughter and to you on winning the Nobel Prize."

"Thank you, Norah," Leonard said. " I can tell Emily likes you. She doesn't stick out her tongue for just anyone. I am such a lucky man to have the two most amazing ladies in the world under the same roof as me. As far as the Nobel Prize is concerned, the prize is for my team. I have six really super team members, led by Dr. Alexandra Jensen, who, by the way, just became engaged herself."

"So, Leonard, when we heard you and Penny were going to be in town, we had to have you come by. We've had people rave to us, and we've read the articles in Vanity Fair, American Whole Food Cuisine, and American Mother, about how you are taking care of Penny, so we wanted to have you come by and show us. To what do we owe the pleasure of your being in New York?"

"I came to town to meet with the Hofstadter Foundation founded by my grandmother, the original Emily Hofstadter," Leonard said. "We took care of that yesterday. We'll head up after the show today to spend Thanksgiving weekend with my family."

"I understand you have more than Penny you're feeding right now," Norah said.

"My step-mother Patti and our dear friend Bernadette are pregnant," Penny said, "and they're having these wild cravings for Leonard's homemade brownies and his homemade salsa. It's a good thing we installed a professional-grade kitchen."

"I hope they have enough brownies and salsa to get them through the time you're here," Norah said.

"I made quadruple batches of both," Leonard said. "I hope that does it."

"Well, let's talk about feeding a lactating mother," Norah said.

#

Penny sat propped up in bed breast-feeding Emily.

Stomp, stomp, stomp. Linda stopped short of the bed.

Penny said, "It's all right, sweetie. Come on and get in bed. It's cold tonight." She discreetly covered up her breast.

Linda carefully slid into bed next to Penny.

"Aunt Penny," Linda said, "Emily eats a lot."

"That's kind of her job right now, sweetie," Penny said. "She needs a lot to grow and to make her bones good and strong."

Stomp, stomp, stomp. Molly stopped, looked at Penny sitting up in bed holding Emily, and said, "Aunt Penny, can I come up and be Uncle Leonard's varmint?"

"You bet, sweetie," Penny said. "Uncle Leonard's brushing his teeth. Why don't you keep his side of the bed warm for him."

Leonard came back to bed to find Molly curled up in his spot. He hoisted her up off the bed, slid into bed, and deposited Molly back down between him and Penny.

"Hello there, varmint," Leonard said.

"Uncle Leonard," Linda said. "I wish you and Aunt Penny and Emily didn't have to leave on Saturday night."

"Me too, sweetheart," Leonard said. "But we're going to a good thing. We're going to Aunt Penny's cousin Sherry's wedding on Sunday."

"Uncle Leonard," Molly said, "What does Emily do? I want to play with her."

"Oh, she does a lot of things," Leonard said. "Mostly, right now, she eats, poops, sleeps, and watches whatever is going on. She's always watching. My nickname for her is 'The Watcher.'"

"She's bigger than the last time I saw her," Molly said.

"She's a lot bigger," Leonard said. "She's growing like a weed."

Molly cackled. "Growing like a weed," she said.

"That's choice, coming from a varmint," Leonard said.

#

"Oh, come on, ref," Penny said as she, Rachel, Janice, Paul, and Renee watched the Thanksgiving Day Nebraska game on ESPN. She had Emily, who had that scientist-looking-at-a-bug look, turned toward the TV. "His foot was out of bounds."

"Guys," Renee said, "You are missing a great game."

Leonard, Al, and Michael sat at the kitchen table talking and having tea.

"Um, hum," Leonard said. "Anyway, Michael, I found that, if I substitute almond milk for cow's milk, it tastes just fine. You taste the oatmeal, not the almonds."

"I'll have to try that," Michael said. "I think I'm even more lactose-intolerant than you are. I had been putting coffee creamer in my oatmeal."

"Leonard," Janice said from the den, "I hope you can show me how to make your famous Tres Leches Cake that you served for Thanksgiving lunch. I was able to eat it and it hasn't bothered me. I'm as lactose-intolerant as you and Michael are. What did you do?"

"I discovered a little secret," Leonard said. "I can tolerate goat's milk, and, apparently you can too. The three milks in the cake are goat, almond, and soy milk with a little liquid non-dairy coffee creamer. Penny's dad keeps us in goat's milk, and I was able to get some from the health food store yesterday over by the highway."

"Leonard," Penny said, "She's getting a little fussy."

Leonard walked into the den and picked up Emily. "Hey there, my sweet girl," he said.

Emily smiled up at him.

"Penny! Look! She smiled at me," Leonard said.

"It may just be gas," Penny said.

"She's three months old," Janice said. "That's about when we get the social smile. Let's try an experiment." She reached for Emily. "Leonard go out of the room and come back."

Leonard handed Emily to Janice and left the room. Emily started getting fussy. Leonard walked back in and reached for Emily. Emily smiled at him.

"Look at that," Leonard said.

"She gave you her first smile," Penny said. "She loves her daddy."

"She loves her mommy too," Leonard said. He turned Emily toward Penny and said, "Look, Emily. There's Mommy."

"Hi, sweetie," Penny said, tickling Emily's tummy.

Emily smiled at her as she kicked both feet and waved a fist.

Leonard squeezed Emily and walked over to the window with her. "Look at the snow," he told her. "Your Mommy and I got snowed in at Uncle Michael's the weekend we got married."

"Uncle Leonard, I'm finished with my nap. I want to see Em-lee," Molly said, running into the room.

"Hey, Molly," Leonard said, "Emily has something to show you-if she'll do it. Why don't you walk over here and speak to Emily."

Molly cautiously approached Leonard as he knelt and turned Emily toward Molly so she and Molly were at the same level.

"Hey, Em-lee," Molly said.

Emily smiled at her.

"See, sweetheart? Emily smiled at you," Leonard said.

"Mommy!" Molly said. "Em-lee loves me."

"I see that," Janice said.

Leonard sat on the sofa holding Emily with Molly sitting next to them playing with her. Every time Molly said something to Emily, Emily kicked and waved her fist.

"Uncle Leonard, she stuck her tongue out at me," Molly said.

"That means she really loves you a lot," Leonard said. "She doesn't stick out her tongue at just anybody."

"We have to show Daddy," Penny said. "Hey, Daddy," she said into her phone. "I'm going to Skype you in a moment. I have something you're going to want to see." She hung up.

"What are your dad and Patti doing for Thanksgiving?" Rachel asked.

"They went out to Omaha early," Penny said.

Wyatt's image appeared on Penny's iPad.

"Hi, slugger," Wyatt said. "What's up?"

"Is Patti there too?" Penny said.

"Hi, Penny," Patti said, moving into the picture.

"Watch this," Penny said. "Say something to Emily."

She pointed the iPad webcam at Emily.

"Hi, sweetie-pie," Wyatt said. "It's Grandpa Wyatt."

Emily smiled and began kicking.

"She's smiling."

"She sure is," Penny said.

"Hi, sweet girl," Patti said.

Emily beamed at her and stuck out her tongue.

"Grandma Patti," Molly said. "Em-lee really loves you. She stuck her tongue out at you."

#

"Bye, bye, Emily," Wyatt said a few minutes later as Penny signed off Skype. "Grandpa loves you. I'll see you on Sunday."

"Bye, bye, sweetheart," Patti said.

"That was amazing," Wyatt said.

Wyatt's cousin Sandra said, "I was watching over your shoulder. I hope that's all right. Emily looks just like Penny did at that age. She is so beautiful."

"She's smart, too," Wyatt said. "I think she recognizes people. She acts differently depending on who you are."

Wyatt saw Ms. Lidy struggling to get through the living room with her walker. She was having a hard time getting over the carpet, which was bunched.

"Here, Miz Lidy," he said. "Let me get that carpet out of your way."

"Thank you, Wyatt," Ms. Lidy said. "Where's your daddy? I wanted to talk to him about changing the oil in my car."

"Miz Lidy," Wyatt said, "Dad had to step out. He told me to come change your oil. Why don't you call me tomorrow when I can come over, and I'll change it."

"I'll do that. Who is this pretty lady here?" Ms. Lidy said, nodding at Patti.

"This is my friend Patti," Wyatt said. "She's a police officer."

"Officer Patti, can you make those boys stop knocking down my mailbox with those ball bats?" Ms. Lidy said.

"I'm sorry," Patti said. "I'm a with the police department in Los Angeles. I'm just visiting here for Thanksgiving."

"Well, see what you can do about those boys," Ms. Lidy said.

"Ms. Lidy," Wyatt said, pulling out his smartphone. "Look what we have at my house." He showed her a series of pictures of Emily, some with Penny holding her.

"I see," Ms. Lidy said. "That's your wife Lisa holding Penny. My, Penny is growing. She's so pretty, like both of her parents."

"She is, Miz Lidy."

"Officer. . . I'm sorry, I must be getting old. I forgot your name," Ms. Lidy said. "I see you're expecting. Is your husband here, or are you one of those modern women who don't need a husband?"

"Oh, my husband is here," Patti said. "You'll know him if you see him. He's the most handsome man you've ever seen."

"Humph," Ms. Lidy said. "I'll have to see that for myself. I've seen some beautiful men, like Wyatt here and his daddy. If your husband's better looking than them, I want to see him."

Ms. Lidy rolled her walker into the dining room.

"Who was that?" Patti asked.

"That was the famous Miz Lidy," Wyatt said.

"Spell her name for me."

"L-I-D-Y, pronounced 'lie-dee,'" Wyatt said.

"Alzheimer's?"

"Yes, she has Alzheimer's. She is the finest person you would ever want to meet. She and her husband raised four boys. At one time, she was responsible for most of the defensive line at Ralston High School."

"She thinks Penny is Lisa and Emily is Penny. What was that about your father?"

"I think she thinks it's still the 1980s," Wyatt said. "Penny and Leonard ran into her when they were here, and she told Penny to get home because she shouldn't be out with boys on a school night."

"I think she has a thing for you and your late dad."

#

Alex checked herself in the mirror as Raj pulled out of Howard's mother's driveway.

"That was one of the more surreal Thanksgiving dinners I've ever had," she said. "On retrospect, maybe we should have gone to San Francisco and spent Thanksgiving with my sister."

"You'll get used to Mrs. Walowitz," Raj said. "She has actually become like a second mother to me. She loves Howard a lot. And, now that Bernadette is pregnant, she's so excited she can't stand herself."

"She called me a skinny weirdo," Sheldon said from the backseat.

"You're not that skinny," Raj said. "Since Leonard left, your dietary habits have gone downhill."

"My ears are still ringing. Do she and Howard ever have a normal-decibel conversation?" Alex asked.

"No, that's how they relate," Raj said.

"Bernadette sounds just like her when she yells," Sheldon said.

"Tell me again: What was the bizarre dish she served?" Alex said.

"It's called Turbriskafil," Sheldon said. "Turkey, stuffed with brisket, stuffed with gefilte fish."

"I'm sorry," Alex said. "I don't want to be rude, but the smell would gag a maggot. She didn't seem to be able to wrap her head around the fact that I don't eat meat and kept offering me some. I thought she was going to be sick when she saw me eating my Tofurkey."

"She thinks that's why you're so what she considers to be skinny," Raj said. "She doesn't understand vegetarians."

"You don't think I'm thin?"

"I think you're perfect."

"So, Raj, Sheldon, are both of you going out for Black Friday shopping with me tonight? I have my list made and can probably do almost all of my Christmas shopping in one day."

"I may sleep late and go out after lunch," Raj said.

"Oh, no," Alex said. "You have to hit the stores when they open if you want the best deals. BestBuy is opening at Midnight, and the stores at the Glendale Galleria are opening at 5:00 a.m. You have to be in line in time to get in early or you lose out."

"I've already done all of my Christmas shopping online," Sheldon said.

"Raj," Alex said, "Why don't we drop off Sheldon and you come with me. We can go stand in line at BestBuy and then hit the Glendale Galleria so we can get a good place in line."

"I haven't made out my list," Raj said. "I'll take care of it later."