This story and all its contents are completely fictional (obviously). It is being written for entertainment, some laughs, and something to do when you're as bored as the people writing it. My friend Eric and I do not own any of the characters mentioned, nor the Sony or Nintendo corporations. They are all copyrighted, as the majority of you may know. Thank you and enjoy! And NO SUING US!
Dawn. The brilliant, glistening sun is barely visible behind the shroud of eerie, gray clouds that devoured the morning and all of its beauty. In the outskirts of the towering complex known as Groznyj Grad, Solid Snake lies undercover, blending in with the surrounding forest environment. "A familiar sight," his thoughts are spoken, not to anyone really, but the wind. As he speaks, he remembers the fortress he sees from a mission that occurred seemingly ages ago. "This is where they were housing the Shagohod, right Snake?" Hal 'Ottacon' Emmerich spoke softly, brushing his dirt-brown hair from his eyes. 'Great… the fag is awake,' Snake thought silently, but only for a second. He couldn't let that annoying fruitcake get in the way of his concentration on the mission. This time it wasn't going to be as simple as battling the Empire State Building, which was what some of the machines he had battled had looked like as far as size goes. And it wouldn't be a walk in the park like going one on one with a tank, which Snake has occasionally done for breakfast. This time, there were more than twenty hostages being held captive INSIDE of the new model of Metal Gear, the machine that Snake was destined to engage and destroy. And even though he had succeeded in multiple missions that seemed harder than fighting ninjas on an airplane's wings (which Snake does during his days off), this one appeared to be purely hopeless. Besides the fact that there were five spread-out sections where the hostages were being held, the Metal Gear was actually the entire fortress, Groznyj Grad.
"Snake, shall we go over the mission one more time?" Once again, Ottacon had broken Snake's focus, leaving Snake with the urge to chuck a brick through his buddy's face. "I despise you," he muttered. "Ok, in case anything should go wrong, just remember the new CQC (Close-Quarters Combat) techniques I taught you." A blank stare occupied Hal's face, signifying that he had no clue what the hell Snake was talking about. Snake let out a groan of hatred. "You are one good-for-nothing fuckpug. Alright… I'll show you again…" Snake began demonstrating the first segment of the feared ' deranged chupacabra' technique. Hal stared in amazement at the seemingly effortless way in which Snake was executing these difficult movements. Throwing precise punches and kicks at nearby forest-animals, Snake was in his own little zone. Suddenly, as he swung his knife through the air, a deafening sound erupted, whistling like a freight train. "What the pissbricks?" he screamed over the rumbling. "Snake!" Hal shouted. "You've exposed the time and space continuum to the dimension of our world!" Snake replied by shooting him in the leg. "What the HELL does that mean, fagbag?" "You've opened a portal to another dimension!" Hal screamed in pain.
Suddenly, a sort of window appeared in mid-air only four feet away from the two partners. "Whoa…" Hal exclaimed, moving closer as he observed the portal. Then, standing completely still, he peered into the portal in amazement. "If the calculations I haven't done yet are correct, this portal leads to some sort of alternate dimension," Hal said, his gaze not leaving the window for a second. Snake just looked at him in disgust, but his focus was broken by something more interesting. "If the calculations that I don't feel like doing are correct, that random slab of meat wrapped in bacon with a string attached to it looks delicious," he said, lunging toward the unexplained bacon. "Snake! NO!" Hal yelled, but it was too late. As Snake was being reeled into the portal by his mouth, his friend grabbed onto his legs, and they were both pulled through by the meaty treat.
"SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!" "I'm right here, shit-fuck!" Darkness… nothing but sheer and utter darkness. That was all Ottacon could see. "I can't see a thing! Snake, that space-time vortex must have had adverse effects on my body, rendering me with this lack of vision and…" "Shut up!" Snake shouted, pistol-whipping his good friend. "How about you try opening your damn eyes?" Hal sat still for a moment, and then blinked. As his vision slowly returned, he saw trees… hundreds of dark brown trees. To his left, Snake was finishing his mysterious meat. Upon making eye contact, Snake pointed up between meaty bites. Hal's sight followed his comrade's finger as he glanced up at a disturbing site. The sky was blood red. "Holy science!" the nerd shouted. "I think we're in another world of some sort…" Snake turned and gagged for a second, and then proceeded to vomit bacon onto Ottacon, totally drenching his camo uniform in meaty chunks. Suddenly, a small rustling sound could be heard from a nearby bush. "Shh!" Snake whispered to his puke-covered friend.
The bushes shook wildly as they started emitting inhumane sounds, when suddenly a spontaneous explosion of leaves flew at them as a creature emerged, spinning around like a helicopter blade. Snake readied his tranquilizer gun when the creature ceased his blur of movements and started making sounds. "He's trying to speak, Snake! Isn't this amazing?" Hal asked as Snake shot the creature repeatedly in the face. "You say something?" Snake asked, reloading his gun as the mass of brilliant, orange fur collapsed to the ground, his jean-shorts making a thud as they hit dirt. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO POOR CRASH?" a shriek rang out as another orange creature sprinted out of the forest, this one female. Snake aimed at her face when suddenly he was tackled from his left by a blur of red and black. "Hasn't anyone ever told you how to treat a lady?" said a vampiric-type person with a metal claw on his arm. "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? And what is going on?" Hal screamed, causing all the actions to halt. "Ooooh. You must be 'newcomers'," the female fur ball said. "What?" Hal replied, confused. "What do you mean by 'newcomers'?" "I'LL EXPLAIN THAT!" a booming voice rained down from the heavens like fire. "THIS IS WHERE YOU'RE STORY COMMENCES!"