Author: amoureuse87
Title: On the edge
Rating: M
Warnings: Slash, SUICIDAL!
Word count: 2292
Genre: angst, slash, suicidal!
Summary: Kurt is a bit down, Blaine finds him, what happens next?
Disclaimer: I do not glorify death nor suicide nor anything even close to it. This is not based in real life, even though I sadly could imagine that for some people it could be. If you are depressed or sad and need/would like to get help, you can message me, I can talk with you. You matter.
A/N: Ehm, that disclaimer kind of... well... Ok. On a sunny day, I felt like writing something angsty. This is what was born. Comments would be nice!
I was so high. People really looked like little ants going around. World looked different when you were on the roof of a skyscraper. I wiggled my legs over the edge, there were times that I had been afraid of heights but not anymore. Now I kind of liked the idea. I was ready, so ready to spread my wings and fly, this time for real. To be free, free of everything. I closed my eyes for a while, this all brought Pavarotti to my mind. I missed that bird, no matter how silly everyone said it was. I didn't care, it meant nothing to me. Pavarotti meant really much to me.
I took a deep breath of air and stretched my arms, this had been quite a day. It was about to end soon, everything was, actually. I was officially too bored with this shit, I'd had enough. I had had also good moments, never ever would I be able to deny that, but everyone had the moment where something was just too much. I had reached my 'too much' today. Dad had died. In my arms, most literally.
Something pressed my heart within me, tried to fit it into a box that was a few sizes too small. I had lost almost every one I had ever loved, mum, now dad, Carole was about to die due to a traffic-accident, Finn had moved away. I wondered if he had even heard yet that dad was already dead. I still had Blaine, but I wanted to save him from me. I knew how I felt, this was going to end in a long journey of depression. Not just a small low-moment in my life, a major one.
Oh Blaine, he had helped me through a lot. I had been teased in ways that many other persons had never been, I had been beaten to the ground time after time again. It had been hard but I had been able to get up, I'd kept on going. I had always felt blue, just so deep inside that I had been able to hide it. From everyone else except Blaine. He had always known what had been going on in my mind. He had probably suffered even more than I had, knowing that he loved me.
I looked down, no one had probably noticed me so far. They'd notice me once I'd be back on the ground again, for sure. I sighed, hopefully I wouldn't hurt anyone on my way down. I just wanted to end my misery, not someone else's life. Poor Blaine, for him it might be a small death. It was the only thought that could've kept me from jumping. I knew I was going to do it, though. Him seeing me in that special state of depression would've hurt him just as much.
Noise from behind me made me turn my head a bit, I saw how the door got opened. I didn't mind, maybe it would be nice to have someone to share my last moments. Maybe that someone would care, care like so few had done during my life. I continued my stalking, even the buses were so tiny.
"Are you OK?" I heard a familiar voice. I almost turned around and ran to Blaine's arms, but I remained on my place.
"I'm as good as you could imagine," I answered, holding tears. It was time to harden myself, no crying allowed right now.
"I'm so sorry about your dad. His heart just couldn't take another seizure, I'm sorry you had to go through it again, to be there. I'm so sorry I wasn't there," Blaine whispered.
"It's OK. We both know you can't spend your every minute, hour or possibly even every day beside me. Dad had a good life, even if it was too short," I said, quite calmly. Now it was easier to control myself.
Blaine walked next to me, he leaned on the edge and looked down.
"Wow, I didn't realize we'd be this high," he squealed and backed off a bit. I knew Blaine was afraid of heights, maybe even more than I was.
"Dear, this building has, what, like 30 floors, of course it's going to be high," I stated with a bit of complaint in my voice.
"Yap, I know, but I didn't really think of it," Blaine answered. I hemmed at him, he was indeed such a cute creature. If I'd believe in the after-life, I'd really miss him.
"Let's get back in, please? It's so windy here. Besides Finn called, he'd want to talk to you and is on his way here," Blaine told me.
"I think I'm not coming," I said. "I'm going to fly away."
I could feel how Blaine looked at me, he stared and almost burned holes to my back with his gaze.
"Excuse me?" he muttered.
"I'm not coming in," I repeated.
I heard Blaine breathe in quickly, then he obviously stepped close to me, for in the next second he held my arm. The movement was so fast it almost made me totter.
"Have you lost your mind? Are you going to kill yourself?" Blaine asked, started to sound a bit panicky.
"I'm not going to kill myself, I'm going to free myself. Don't you think I've been going through enough pain?" I asked and turned my head. There was a great amount of panic, pain and worry in Blaine's eyes, I smiled at him. I wanted him to be happy.
"You have been going through a lot of shit, but I'm afraid that it's a part of being a human. Why now?" Blaine insisted.
"Now is a good time. I'm sorry, dear, but only I know how I feel deep inside. I'm going down, more down than I've ever been. I don't want you to suffer," I said.
"But how could I be suffering if I'm spending my time with you?" Blaine asked.
"I've seen how you look when I've been down, I've seen how miserable you are," I answered.
"Do you think I wouldn't be miserable if you take your life?" Blaine stated.
I looked at him, deep into his eyes, and slowly nodded. He opened his mouth, I think he was trying to say something but no words came out.
We were quiet for a while, I continued watching people walk around, Blaine slowly walked closer me. I let him grab my arm, I knew I was stronger than him, I could break free. Even if he'd have his arms around me, I could save the situation. Maybe it'd help him to hold me a while more before it was time.
"Is Carole still alive?" I asked.
"She's in a stable condition now. She has several critical injuries but they believe that she'll survive," Blaine said. His voice was so quiet, so fragile. I stroke his hair, he leaned on my arm.
"Send my love to her. Don't let anyone tell her that I'm dead. Or that dad is. Not until it can't be avoided no more. Say that we had to go somewhere, anything you can come up with. She must concentrate in healing herself," I said.
"Why don't you send your love to me?" Blaine asked, looking at me with teary eyes.
"I am. I will be sending it to you every day," I promised.
"Then why are you taking yourself from me? I need you here, in my arms! Not as a distant promise from somewhere, in blood and flesh!" Blaine said.
"Didn't I say it already? I'd go too down for you to bare it. You know how I am when I'm depressed. This would be worse, worse than ever. It would be too much for you, for both of us," I tried to explain.
"It wouldn't, we could fix it, get you meds, take you to a hospital, everything! Please don't leave me," Blaine cried. I had to turn my gaze away, Blaine was too good for me. He almost made me change my mind, even with just being close to me. But for once, I had made my mind and no matter what he'd change, I wouldn't change my mind.
"I'm not saying goodbye to you, I'm never leaving you. You've had me ever since we met, that'll never change," I stated.
I still remembered the short moment that changed my whole life. Meeting Blaine at those stairs had been the best seconds of my life. Seconds, that had led to minutes, to hours, to days, to weeks, to months, even to years. Spending my time with Blaine was the only thing I'd miss.
"I'll be watching you from up above or from down below, who knows where I'll end," I said, wanting to make Blaine feel better.
"Oh come on, I know what you believe, there's nothing after death and so on," Blaine retorted.
"Well, if there was, that'd be what I'd be doing," I added.
Blaine was quiet for a while, crying. I wiped off some tears with my sleeve, tried to comfort him. He shouldn't cry for me, not at all. I wasn't worthy.
"Dear, my dear Kurt, can you really say why you're doing this? Isn't my love enough?" Blaine whispered with a voice so quiet that the wind almost took it away without me hearing a thing.
"Your love is and will always be enough for me. It's all the other stuff I can take no more. I've had enough of rude and hurting comments, you've seen it. If the world can't accept me, OK. So be it. You're better off me, too. You can go and find a boyfriend who is good enough for you. I'm sorry I've been such a disappointment. I've always been weak, tired and broken," I explained.
"That is but a mere excuse! There is no reason to stop fighting now! If I can't have you, I'll want no one. You're my everything, Kurt, please don't take that away from me. If you die, I have nothing to live for," Blaine cried.
"I'm sorry, honey, but I don't see me living another day. Not with you nor anyone else. I've been beaten down far too many times, even though you've helped me up numerous times, I want to let you have an easier life," I stated.
Blaine hugged me and tried to pull me to the roof, but I held my grip. He couldn't pull me away from here, not now.
"If you're doing it, I'm going to jump too," he whispered to my ear. That made me turn to him, looking at him with fierce in my eyes.
"No you're not. I, I... I deny you to do so!" I uttered, my voice trembled a bit.
"Without you there's no me. I never imagined dying by jumping out of hospitals roof but well, I think it's OK," he said with a maniac look on his face.
"Sit down, sweetheart, you're a bit loony now. This has of course been quite a lot to handle for you too," I answered, wanting to cool him down.
"No, I'm not going to sit down, I'm coming," he said and started climbing to the edge. I held his hand, helped him stay in balance. I believed he wouldn't jump anyway, he was too afraid of heights. He sat next to me and lifted my arm on his shoulders, I held him and kissed his cheek.
"See, they're like ants when you look from here," I pointed out, Blaine looked, trying not to move, but I held him strong. There was no way I'd let him fall.
"They do. I still prefer real ants. And looking at them while standing on ground, not sitting at the roof-top," he whispered.
"But it's kind of nice to feel the air," I admitted. I didn't answer why my fears had subsided, but I actually almost liked being here. My heart was almost dead, almost the part that had Blaine in was still alive, otherwise it was numb.
I let Blaine sit close to me for a good while more, but then I decided that it was time to go. I turned his face to mine and kissed him, in a way this was my goodbye to him. It was time.
"OK dear, now it's time for you to get back down," I said and ELEHDIN him to go down.
"You promise not to jump?" he asked and turned, I waited until his legs were on the safe side, he was standing at the roof.
"I can't promise that. I've met my ending, this is it," I decided to tell the truth.
"That means I'm gone too. Let's meet on the other side," Blaine said and before I could say a thing, he was standing on the edge.
"Blaine, please, don't do it!" I begged with my inhale, this wasn't at all what was supposed to happen!
"Without you there is no me, if I lose you, I lose my everything. You're going to jump, I'm going down as well," he said and looked at me. There was no doubt, he had lost it, he had totally lost it. I got up, stood on my feet, looked directly into his eyes.
"Dear, please, I beg you, jump to the roof! There's no need for you to die," I tried.
"I'll love you always," he said, kissed me fiercely and jumped. I looked at his falling and followed.
The air around me was cold, I stretched my hands out, it felt like I was flying. The Earth was getting closer fast, faster than I could've even imagined! Yet I was unable to catch Blaine, he hit the ground before me.
Together in death.