But strew his ashes to the wind
Whose sword or voice has served mankind;
And is he dead, whose glorious mind
Lifts thine on high?
- Hallowed Grounds, by Thomas Cambell
"I understand Commander, I don't regret a thing." There was so much more Ashley wanted to say but her throat had grown tight and she refused to let Shepard hear the fear in her voice. Ashley cut the comms and readied her gun. The geth and krogan had no way to escape the bomb, but she would still fight them to her last breath. Never give up. Despite Ashley's determination, her hands were clammy and unsteady. She thought she had been ready for anything, but in reality she was terrified.
Tears stung the corners of Ashley's eyes and her stomach churned. She growled in frustration. Death wasn't the end, she'd believed in that her whole life, yet the feeling of hopelessness wasn't fading. Out of the corner of her eye, Ashley watched a salarian to her left collapse as he took a bullet to his neck. He writhed for a few seconds, gasping for air as his green blood splattered up onto Ashley's armour before he shuddered and went still. Ashley forced her eyes away from the lifeless corpse and accusing eyes, she had to focus. She couldn't give up, not like her grandfather had all those years ago. Ashley leaned out of cover and released all her fear, anger and determination in the form of a barrage of bullets.
She had meant it when she said she didn't regret a thing. Her sacrifice meant that everyone trapped at the bomb-site would live, but she didn't want to die. She wasn't ready. What about her sisters? Who would watch out for them when she was gone? Ashley felt sick, mourning what could have been. She'd never settle down now, never have a family. Ashley had always told everyone she didn't want that life, that a life fighting in the Alliance was all she'd ever wanted to do. Imminent death has a way of putting things in perspective.
Ashley cursed as she lost her shields and a single bullet lodged itself in just below her rib-cage. She dived back into cover and winced at the sight of crimson blood oozing from her wound. Something else was wrong too. It was too quiet. There was still the deafening roar of fired bullets ricocheting off her cover and the maddening, clicking sound of geth communication but the shouts of salarian orders had ceased. She was alone. Ashley clenched her jaw in anger and bowed her head slightly, partially out of respect for the fallen but also in resignation.
What was left to fight for? She would never go home again. Never smell fresh cut grass or have a home-made meal again. Never step back onto the Normandy or share a laugh with friends. She'd never climb a mountain or finish that stupid, old book she had stashed away. Never have the opportunity to make amends for how stupid she had been when the aliens first came aboard. She'd never again experience life's little pleasures that she'd too often taken for granted.
Ten seconds to go before the whole place became nothing more than a crater in the ground and Ashley was rapidly loosing hope. Some say that before you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. Others spoke of a warm, welcoming light. It was all a lie. There was nothing. No light, no memories, no God. Was this it? Had her whole life, been nothing more than a lie? Soon, Ashley would join the countless, never-ending list of the dead. The only thing remaining of her would be memories and eventually even those would fade away and be forgotten.
It couldn't just be over, but Ashley had never felt so alone, so despondent. With five seconds remaining, Ashley did something she'd promised herself she'd never do. She gave up. A stream of tears created a glistening trail down her cheeks. She didn't regret a thing. That wasn't a lie but she didn't want to die. She didn't want to fade away. She wanted to eat a tub of ice-cream with her sisters and go to the beach. She wanted to play a game of Skillian Five with the crew and drink herself silly. She wanted to sleep under the stars and kiss a turian for God's sake! She wanted to stop and smell the roses. She wanted to-
There was a light. It was bright but it was not welcoming. It burned her flesh and tore her apart. It lasted forever and yet was over in a split second. In that second Ashley realized what she wanted most of all. What she regretted most of all. It wasn't not finishing a book, or not climbing a mountain. It was that she never took a second of time out of her life to tell the people she cared about most that she loved them. Now she never could.
As the Normandy escaped the destructive light of the the blast, Shepard felt sick with guilt. There was nothing that could be done now but one thing was for certain, Ashley's death would not be in vain, and she would never be forgotten. Shepard would make sure of it.
But strew his ashes to the wind
Whose sword or voice has served mankind,
And is he dead, whose glorious mind
Lifts thine on high?
To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
- Hallowed Grounds, by Thomas Cambell.