Now there's a ghost in the back of this room

And I don't like it

I fall asleep with my covers pulled up

And try to fight it

I gotta say it's hard to be brave when you're alone in the dark

I told myself that I wouldn't be scared

But I'm still having nightmares.

"You let Metatron go? Seriously? Come on Cas." Sam shook his head. He'd retreated from the war room, not wanting to hear any more of that fight, but their voices were carrying on down the halls of the bunker.

"You let Amara go." Dead horse there Cas.

"Oh, yeah, that's great. Weren't you the one who told me 'I'm just a man.' A man versus God's friggen sister, yeah, so sorry she got away from me. What's your excuse man? Mortal versus Angel, should have been like crushing an ant, isn't that the phrase you used once?" Sam cringed at that one, Dean was pulling all the low blows right now, and Sam knew he should stop listening, stop eavesdropping on their conversation, but that wasn't going to happen, and though his back was to them, he could almost picture the way the Angel's face would crumple at the reminder of the piss poor 'God' he had been.

"Dean-"

"No, don't 'Dean' me, that fucker took your grace, did God knows what to your wings, has got heaven against you, killed me and you let him go- forgive me if I'm pissed right now." There we go, Sam thought. Dean was using his words, albeit masking concern and pain with anger, but he was using them, and that was a step. Sam pushed farther down the hallway and into the kitchen then, deciding this was probably about to go places he definitely didn't want to be around for.

"You let him walk away, and you, dammit Cas, you don't have any idea how he might try and screw you over next." Dean's voice was hard, and he wasn't looking at Cas, a feat that was unnerving for the angel, whose eyes never left Dean. Never left his pinched brow, or his set jaw, but Dean's gaze was anywhere but on Cas.

"Dean, I – I can explain." He stumbles, arms gesturing weakly and Dean finally looks at him, and Cas almost wishes he would look away, because the raw hurt in his eyes is almost too much for him. It's almost too much for the hunter to be disappointed in him.

"Go right ahead then," he says dismissively, flinging an arm in front of him haphazardly in Cas's direction.

"I couldn't kill him Dean… After what I did to you, to my brothers, I couldn't even leave the bunker. I tried to do what you said, but I couldn't get passed the front door, but then I saw him on TV, I knew where he was, and knowing – knowing he killed you was the only thing that got me out that door, because that was something he couldn't get away with."

Dean's face had softened, the hard lines of anger falling from his features to the gentleness of concern, and his eyes were meeting Cas's earnest ones again.

"Seeing him, so pathetic, and helpless, and unable to do anything, I just couldn't kill him. I couldn't stop seeing myself hurting you, I couldn't stop feeling like that mindless animal she turned me into. He was weak and hurting Dean, and I, I've hurt and killed enough people, even if he did deserve death."

Dean shook his head, clenched and unclenched his fists at his side and strode across the room until he was standing in front of Castiel instead of across the table from him.

"Why didn't you tell me it was still affecting you like that?"

"You and Sam were busy, I didn't want to bother you." Dean looked to the floor and scoffed before running a hand over his face.

"Didn't want to bother us. Yeah," he groaned. "Cas, if you're in trouble, I want you to talk to us, to me at least."

"You don't talk about your problems Dean."

"And look how that's worked out for everyone." He laughs, but there's no humor there.

"Dean-"

"I'm serious Cas. You're important to us, to Sam and me. And the three of us, we're good together, but you need to talk to us." His hand twitches forward, and Dean puts it on Cas's shoulder, running his thumb in circles, trying to soothe the angel that looks wound tight enough to break.

"You're important to me too, Dean." Cas mumbles, no longer meeting the other's eyes. Dean laughs again, and this time there's a slight mirth to it, but not in a pleasant way.

"Could have fooled me recently."

"What are you talking about Dean?" The hand falls away and Cas already finds himself craving the hunter's warm touch again. Touches from Dean are few and far between, and always too brief and chaste, but he can never bring himself to ask the other for more.

"Between the Crowley thing, Purgatory, and Naomi's whatever she did to you, and then running off because you chose to, I'm sorry if it doesn't really seem like Sam and I were on your priority list."

"I was with Crowley to let you have your life with Lisa and Ben, because you lost Sam and I wasn't going to ask you to help me while you were mourning your dead brother, Dean."

"Maybe people should stop assuming they know what's best for me, how about that huh?! You and Sam both can take that and cram it where the sun don't shine 'cause I was miserable for most of that. I lost Sam and I lost you too, fuck the apple pie life I wanted my friend and my damn brother and you both took that choice away from me."

"We were trying to make you happy Dean."

"And staying behind in Purgatory, was that supposed to make me happy too?" Cas looked away and Dean shoved him in the shoulder. "What was that for Cas? Cause it sure as hell looked like you doing anything to keep from coming back with me."

"I told you why I stayed."

"No. You gave me a half ass excuse is what you did."

"You don't trust easy Dean, and you had trusted me, and I did everything, everything to betray that. I hurt Sam. I didn't think you could ever forgive me for that, and I couldn't forgive myself, I couldn't bear to go back knowing I'd broken that between us."

"Are you seeing the mistake yet?" Dean says, gesturing wildly between the two of them. "Making assumptions and decisions for me? Cas I was just so damn happy you were alive, and then you did that, and it felt like you were choosing fucking monster land over me. How the hell am I supposed to take that?"

"That's not what I was doing Dean."

"Yeah I got that much Cas," he grumbles, taking a heavy step back to lean on the edge of the table.

"Dean, I care for you more than anything in my existence. I have chosen you over my family, and my life, over and over again." Dean lets his head fall back, eyes slipping closed.

"It's been a rough few years Cas."

"You don't think you're important to me," Cas states plainly.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore Cas."

"Then we won't talk," he says, and he steps forward, grazing his fingers along Dean's neck and a soft exhale falls from the hunter's lips. "I think you need this."

"I don't want to just fuck Cas," Dean says, and he looks in the angel's eyes and there's a longing there Cas has seen before, but never been able to interpret.

"I never said that had to be all," Cas says lowly, quietly, and Dean swallows hard. "Dean, I think I need this too."