Just to know I'm alive
You know, Mells, I've thought about this more times than I can remember. You're always on my mind to the point that even games aren't enough to distract me anymore.
Your gaze, one that I tried to hold every time, but always look away with a foolish grin on my face. Your eyes bore into mine, I find myself drowning in an ocean, so deep, so many shades of blue that I get lost. I can't look away for a moment frozen because, when I think about it, that's the way you were made, almost..the purpose of your existence, attracting attention without even trying, and I know you love it, you love the attention, you love to be the center of it..Everything about you calls for me to look, stare, watch, absolutely fascinated. You always ask me why I get that lost look on my face when our eyes meet. I never answered you, did I? I can't explain it, I could talk about it for ages but you'd never understand.. no one ever will.
I remember your lips, the softest as I can see, I wish I would have been able to touch them, press mine against them, fitting them perfectly together, like two pieces of the same puzzle, and oh how many times have I thought about that..every time you speak I find my eyes drifting from your own, to those ideal lips of yours, once again getting lost in thought. The same lips that wrapped around that sweet addiction of yours, pulling the brown piece into your mouth, tasting it.
I would keep talking about every feature I notice and adore about you, but suddenly I'm here again, in this house, my prison. I look at my reflection in the mirror again, a freak of nature staring back at me, bloodshot eyes, unkempt dark red hair, it reminds me of the blood that started dripping from my wrists not minutes ago, I look down and I see it trailing from the cut, to my palm and dripping from the tip of my fingers to the sink, what is it with me always wanting what can never have? What is it with me unable to get over you? Unable to forget you? Why am always remembering you, always thinking about you? Dreaming of you…
It's funny how things turned out to be, I suppose you knew how dear you were to me, but you left anyway, I actually believed you would contact me after a while, months, it's been five years now and I don't see you anywhere near me, this cut, these scars, this blood, I bleed just to know I'm alive, for you. It's getting less painful day by day, I don't know if I'm getting better or I'm just getting used to the pain, I wish I could roll back the clocks to when things were different... when we were all just orphan children trying to cope in our new environment, children that didn't care about being number one, being L, children that had nothing to prove to anyone... Maybe I'm just going crazy, every memory of you somehow feels painful even if it was a happy one, even the day I met you, Mello, it hurts.. another reason why I do this, I never had control over my life, didn't have a choice when I was born in an abusive family, didn't choose to go to an orphanage after my father decided he wanted to end his and my mother's life, didn't choose to go from an orphanage to the other, didn't choose to meet you, didn't choose to love you, and it definitely was not my choice, your leaving me here, at least now I have control over something, these little moments I have in my bathroom, I control them, control these scars, I control the blade, the blood, I make my pain, and I can stop it whenever I want, I find myself grateful that I started this, but it doesn't seem to work now, does it? It was supposed to make me forget the pain I have inside, the scars I carry within me for every memory you betrayed by walking away.
Everything comes to an end Mello, I've waited for too long, these little cuts, as deep as they actually are, make me feel nothing, I don't feel the pain I want anymore, I don't feel the pain I need, I stare at my left arm, deep angry red marks on it, I remember how I trailed the blade slowly, digging it, pressing it more into my skin, I remember when every single scar was made..
I stare at my wrist for a moment, my right hand blindly finding the blade again and clutching it in my palm, I can barely feel it, the new wound, as the metallic red liquid trails down my arm, to my elbow, I chuckle, thinking about how pathetic I am, then suddenly I'm laughing, tears trickling down my cheeks, my empty laughter echoing in the small room I'm in, I've gone mad..
There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with, I wish that could apply to the reason the wounds exist to begin with. I hold the blade between my fingers and I hold it to my left wrist, barely pressing it there, my phone rings, such a bad timing, it hasn't rung in a long time, since Near called to check on me, I don't want to talk to him, I hate him, he made Mello that way, made him the person he's become, made him feel inferior, I hate everything about him, he made Mello leave me..he made..my life the way It is now. I close my eyes, the tears leaking from the corners as I take a deep breath, the phone stops ringing for a moment then It starts again, I press the blade more against my skin, my eyes still closed, I smile amused at how excited I am, just to see your face in my imagination, one last time, because I refuse, Mello, no matter what you did to me.. I refuse to leave this life with something other than you on my mind. The cool metal cuts through my flesh, the blood drips softly and I cry silently, the smile never leaving my lips.
I finally press down hard on the blade, the blood seeping more, I feel weak after a moment and I drop on the floor, the blood never stopping, my vision gets blurry, a mix of tears and dizziness , I hear loud sounds of the door being broken down, and I see a blur of black and yellow and tears stream down the sides of my face as I think about you, I hear my name being called, your voice, Mello, I could never forget it, and I cry more, god I missed it, is this how it's like to die? Finally getting what you want just the brief moment that your soul leaves your body?
I feels a hand pressing something to my wrist, probably trying to stop the bleeding, I finally realize that it's really you, or is it? Am I already dead but reliving this moment? I don't understand..
I look up at you as you look back at me, and of all the words I could say only these left my lips "free, I'm breaking…free" the back of my head hits the hard floor as I finally release my last breath.
My last thought is, as I hear you scream, if you cared this much about me, why did you leave me behind?