Chapter One- Hello sweet suicide
It wasn't smart, what i've done. In life really. I mean it wasn't a singular thing or whatever, Its the little things building up, subject to group think that was, well not smart. It's basically faking everything, your whole fun loving personality and life with fake FAKE people to enjoy yourself and then going on to convince yourself that's what how fun tastes.
Which is the case for most fake shit. Have you ever eaten something because it looked yummy and then spat it out because it tastes like fuck? Me, Grade 4, Marbles. Completely fucked up my baby teeth. Making me a what?
A Complete fuckin idiot.
:^)))))
Anyways, this is me, finally realising my life has been a marble and now i'm spitting it out. Currently trying to recover my poor poor soul from metaphorical fucked teeth and the mess I made. Coffee dripping in the background.
Stereotypical I know, does every story start with some sort of internal struggle?
Yeah, maybe.
Am i going to be a complete pussy about my newfound realisation and drown myself out with cheap beer and girls?
Yeah…. maybe?
But fuck it I have work today so I might as well do something today and put my stupid angsty bullshit on hold. And if you wanted a proper introduction go put on some teenage coming of age movie with the smiley models and the cheesy "high school" setting. You know the ones.
I managed to drag my ass out of bed and into the bathroom because staring at the ceiling doesn't pay the bills. Fucking crazy right?
It's midday and I could spend the rest of my existence gormlessly eyeing the potted plant on my desk by the window and other semi hipster shit laying around because the way the light hits in my room makes everything look so damn good but also my lack of inhibiton.
I guess.
Perks of shotgunning the south facing bedroom, helps me ignore the faint smell of stale chinese take out and chocolate axe deodorant .
I look into the mirror and instinctively reach to fix my bed hair. I'm 5 ft 9 and have somewhat a lean build because I used to be on the swim team back in high school and I do mean to try take it back up when I'm not busy taking the piss.
So basically I'm not like Chris Hemsworth but Andrew Garfield hot.
Is Andrew Garfield considered hot?
Anyways, Contrary to popular belief I do maintain a good self care routine, call me face masks and creams supreme, you can't blame me though. It's fucking addictive and with these good looks not looking after myself would be a travesty.
It's not narcissism its self love.
"Damn it Hunk. Did you use my toothpaste again?"
"Damn it Hunk. Did you use my toothpaste again? Cuz I spend way too much money on toothpaste and I'm really butthurt over it" he mimicked poorly from somewhere else in the apartment.
Do I sound like that? I don't sound like do I?
I took an educated guess to hunks whereabouts and tooth brush in hand I huffed into his room to find my lost toothpaste. He's laying there on the bed with his computer mouthing words to the spice girls. The spice girls.
The guy looks like he listens to Biggie Smalls and he's listens to stuff like the spice girls.
"It's next to the shower gel."
"Right."
Thanks for using my toothpaste and not bothering to give it back :^DD.
Ok, so lets make conversation.
"So how was Shay yesterday? Still going on about that art shit?"
"Yes actually, we went to an art gallery downtown and it was lovely" he said drawing out the last word, squinting his eyes at me.
Of course they did. Of course they did. Rolling my eyes I lean back on the door frame, teeth a brushin.
"Oh fuck off man. She's actually really cute. Really cute. You're just pissed because you're numb to girls with authenticity."
Oh wow, right in the jugular.
" She said that discourse creates art now not art. What does mean man? What does that even mean?"
Hunk shrugged. "I think it's cute"
"I think it's some of the most pretentious BS I've ever heard."
"Lance"
"I don't trust artists."
"I know, Lance. It's cuz you're stupid"
I went into his bathroom and spit out the frothy toothpaste grossness into his sink.
"I'm just saying when you get bored of her hit me up and we can go ouuut" I offer. God my mouth feels dry.
"I won't"
I just faked a gasp and pouted. Why does he have to be a good boyfriend, actually turns up to class and is a model human being? :(
I bet Shays going to move in soon. I bet my left bollock. Not that I don't like the girl,she's great, probably why it makes just that extra bit annoying but its just the amount of shit she produces. She's a nature freak too and vegan.
We get it, you're above all of us and you probably don't even wash you're hair. I don't get how the guy stands it.
He's just so fucking passive, or acquiescent as Shay would say. But Personally, I couldn't deal you know?
In retrospect they seem like a good couple.
I decided i've spent enough time bitching about people who have bigger vocabularies than me. This isn't the direction I intended to go in.
"Besides I heard from Coran you're not going out as much. Not like I couldn't tell, you've been glued to your bed the past few days and you didn't even come out when I was baking brownies. You going cold turkey, or what?"
Ugh. Great.
He's speaking to Coran now.
"Were they lactose free?"
"What?"
"The brownies."
"Yeah sure, change the conversation. That's fine"
Triggered.
There was silence. Not calling it awkward would be a lie.
Hunk is the only person I can really rely on or let loose around, mainly because I met him while looking to rent a flat with someone. He didn't know me previously before that and therefore doesn't know the extent of my shittiness. It's a great set up. I like it. It's great.
Plus he's a culinary arts student, so perks.
" I'm just trying to ignore shit. I just- sorry. Can't. Not right now." I throw my brightest fake smile.
Judging by Hunk's face it isn't received with the goodest of graces.
"Look, Lance. If you don't want to talk that's chill dude, I don't want to pry but come on man you've been acting-"
Our doorbell went off, cutting Hunk off. I wince.
I looked at him quizzically, "Pizza this early, Hunk?"
His eyebrows went up and he pressed his hand to his head.
"No.. It's Shay"
fUcking fAntasTiC :^DDDD
Of course, it's fucking her.
What is this? An hour-long episode of The Office?
"Oh. Ok cool"
"Yeah" He says while bouncing off his gross green mattress to get up and get the door. I follow him into the living room.
Just like Hunk promised, the door opens to Shay standing there in all her hipster urban outfitters glory.
She has one of those hipster bobs that have been cut too short and is wearing some kinda weird indian shawl thing with her trademark gold hoops.
Gross.
"Hey Baby" she chirps as she leans into kiss with Hunk at the door.
Gross.
She looks at me and smiles.
"Aw Lance you're still wearing your pjs" she giggles.
Awww look Lance, look at how endearing you are.
Shay is about to turn back to hunk again when she stops and pauses.
Her nose crinkles up in disgust, it's the same expression she uses she would pull if someone said something non PC.
"Why does it smell so strongly of Febreeze?" she sniffs again, "And weed?"
Shay stares at Hunk.
Hunk stares at me.
I just stare at the almost empty canister of Febreeze standing on the coffee table.
I grimace and shrug. Sorry, bud.
It's not my girlfriend so it's not like it's my problem… Right? Maybe if I go get changed now I can escape her wrath. Smooth sailing.
On the other hand, Hunk stiffens up and looks like he had died a little on the inside.
Today seems like a wonderful morning.
Donde está mi café?