A/N This is based off of the song, The Christmas Shoes, by Newsong. Listen to it, it's a great song. Please review.
I've always loved Christmas. My mommy and daddy always made it special in our house. It was my favorite holiday of the year. I loved the lights and how they lit up the night and I loved the songs that my mommy would hum while putting up the tree. I loved the way that my daddy's eyes sparkled when he saw me and mommy decorating the house when he came home from work and I loved the home made cookies that my grandma makes that are shaped as Christmas Trees and ornaments. I remember one year my daddy put up a mistletoe. I don't really know what that is, but it looks like leaves and my mommy and daddy kiss under it (eew), my mommy giggling and my daddy smiling widely at her. Last year there were tons of presents under the tree and I got to open one on Christmas Eve. Uncle Seth always tells me that I should celebrate Chrismukkah, but I don't know what that is. I think just plain old Christmas is just fine with me.
But this year is different. This year we haven't put up our Christmas Tree just yet and it's getting really close to the actual day. Daddy isn't smiling and mommy is really sick looking. I hear her throw up a lot. She thinks I don't know that she is, but I can hear her, those really scary sounds that she makes. She no longer has that pretty, shiny hair that I used to always love running my fingers through because it was so soft. No, this year she wears a Santa Hat. She says it's because she's getting into the Christmas spirit, but I know the real reason. All her hair fell out. I was there when she started crying, large amounts of hair in her hands. She had been crying silently to herself, I saw her in the mirror. I'd asked her what was wrong. "Nothing Jason, I'm fine," She had said. But I know when my mommy lies, and that was one of the times.
I spend a lot of time with my grandma and grandpa this year too. Usually my mommy and daddy only drop me off when they want to go to a really nice dinner alone together for 'grown up time.' Not this year though. I've counted, it's December 15 and I've already spent ten days with grandma and grandpa! I still see my mommy and daddy everyday, but a lot of times it's only for a little bit. I really miss them the way they used to be. I miss the cookies and the smiles, the kisses and the giggling, the lights and the songs my mommy would hum. But most of all, I miss my mommy being happy. She's been really sad lately.
I've heard of this guy named Jesus. Supposedly him and Moses are working together with Chrismukkah. I don't know much about him, but I know that he supposedly answers prayers and stuff like that. My friend Johnny at school said that he goes to church every Sunday and that they pray to God. They say there's a such thing as something called heaven where people go after they die if they're good and they get anything they want and they no longer feel bad. Johnny says that his mommy and daddy tell him to pray whenever he has a problem and that Jesus will make it all better.
If I pray to make my mommy better, will it make my daddy smile again?
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Ryan was tired.
He hated work at the moment, it was so hard. It wasn't even the actual work that he didn't like, it was all the people and their stupid sad faces. Everyone looked at him and he could see it in their eyes, the sympathy. He hated it. Screw them, they didn't know what he was going through. "I'm sorry Ryan, I heard the bad news," One guy at work had said. "We're all praying for you buddy," Another had said. He always nodded and said thanks, they were making an effort right? He should at least acknowledge that, he knew. But it was so hard to do, especially this time of year. It was Christmas, the most wonderful time of year right? So then why did he feel so sad?
Then why was his wife dying?
He'd been married to Marissa for ten years. They had a seven year old son named Jason. They had bought a house, bought a car, had a kid, had the dream life right? Over the years, they made the perfect family, the perfect life. Why then, was she dying of Brain Cancer? Why was she being taken away from him? He'd done everything he was supposed to. He went to work, he paid the bills, he made enough money for them to have more than enough for her to spend on whatever she wanted. He was home every night at the same time and he loved her and Jason both with an intensity that he never knew he had in him. He made love to her and he talked to her and he read stories to Jason and tucked him into bed at night. He tried his best to be the perfect husband and the perfect father, to make their lives the best that they could possibly be.
So why was this happening to him, to them?
At the moment he was in the hospital with his wife as they waited for the doctor to come in and talk to them. She'd been doing the Chemotherapy for the past two months and now the doctor wanted to check and see if any progress had been made. They'd found out about the Cancer just a couple of months ago. She'd been having a lot of headaches and had fainted, so he took her in, not expecting the news that they received. The doctors had been hopeful that they could still save her, and so they'd done the recommended treatments, hoping for the best. If there was anything that they could possibly do, then they'd do it. He wasn't going to let his wife go without a fight and she wasn't willing to leave yet either.
He looked over at her and noticed how pale she'd gotten. Where once her skin was tan and healthy, now she was paler than he'd ever seen her before and it scared him. Her hair had fallen out, her beautiful hair that he loved. She wore the Santa Hat so that she wouldn't scare Jason, but they both suspected that he knew what was going on. Their son was smart and observant, nothing could get past him. It was one thing that he admired about Jason. He had Marissa's blue-green eyes and his sandy blonde hair. He was the perfect blend between Ryan and Marissa and they were often complimented on what a handsome son they had.
Marissa turned and looked at him. She gave him a weak smile and that's when he noticed the one thing that hadn't been taken away by the news of Cancer. Her eyes still held light, a thin ray of hope in them. He smiled back at her and she took hold of his hand. It was warm and comforting. "You look worried," She said softly.
"I am…how could I not be?" He asked with a sigh. "The news we receive today determines the rest of our lives, how could I not be worried about that?"
She squeezed his hand reassuringly and said, "Because everything happens for a reason. If the news is bad, then so be it, there's nothing we can do right now."
"How can you think like that, just shrug it off?" He asked, looking into her eyes, searching for comfort and wisdom.
"I'm not shrugging it off, this is my life we're talking about," She said softly. She shrugs and says, "I guess I'm just not that worried right now. I know that I'll have to deal with the news later if it's bad, but right now…I still have the hope that it will be good."
The doctor came in at that moment, his face devoid of any emotion. Time to face the verdict.
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When my mommy and daddy came to pick me up at grandma and grandpa's house, I was excited. I had just made a card for them and I couldn't wait to show them. When they walked in the door, I ran to them and said, "Look, look what I did!"
My daddy didn't say anything, just looked at the card and then walked away. My mommy watched him go and then looked down at me and gave me a smile. It looked like it took a lot of her energy. It was then that I saw that her eyes were red and kind of puffy, like she'd been crying. She sniffed and put an arm around me. "What did you do?" She asks, fake cheeriness in her voice.
"I made you and daddy a Christmas card," I say sadly. "But I don't think that he cares about it…"
She shakes her head and says, "Of course he cares, he's just really stressed right now." She gives me a smile and I see a hint of sadness in her eyes and she says, "He's going to be kind of stressed for a while okay, I don't want you to be worried about it. Your daddy loves you just as much as he always has, always remember that okay?"
It sounds almost like she's saying goodbye for some reason and I look at her. "Is everything okay? What did the doctor say, are you getting better?"
She looks away from me and I think I hear her sniffle again. "It doesn't matter what the doctor said. Soon, I'll be okay."
As she says it, I want to ask, Why then, do you seem so sad?
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Ryan's mind spun as he walked through the Cohen house. It's spread, the Cancer spread. They got to it too late, the doctors hadn't known. The Chemo wasn't working. They said that she was weak, her body shutting down because of the Cancer. They gave her two weeks at the most, but figured she'd be dead by Christmas.
Happy Holidays…not.
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The next day, mommy told me we were going to put up the Christmas Tree. She had a lot of trouble getting our artificial tree up and then a lot more trouble getting all our ornaments and Christmas decorations out. I was her special helper that day. I would have felt special, but mommy just looked so sick that I couldn't. She sounded like she was having trouble breathing so I ask, "What's wrong mommy?"
She looks at me and gives a small smile. "Nothing's wrong, Jase, you don't have to worry." 'Jase' is her nickname for me and I smile that she's using it. She hadn't used it in a while after all.
"Then why are you having problems?" I ask. I don't like it when she lies to me.
She sighs and says, "I'm just tired, that's all." She takes in a deep breath, placing her hands on her hips before giving me a small smile again. "Like I said, you have nothing to worry about."
I look at her for a while before saying, "Okay, if you say so."
I pick up an ornament and put it on the tree. She comes over to me and runs a hand through my hair. "You're such a good boy, do you know that?" She asks me in a quiet voice. I look at her and give her a smile and nod. She smiles back and says, "I want you to always stay like that okay? I want you to always be a good boy for your daddy, even if I'm not here."
I look at her and give her a weird look. "Where would you go mommy?"
Her eyes look really watery right now, just like they always do before she cries. "No where yet. But if I ever do, you have to remember that okay? Pinky promise me," She says, sticking out her pinky.
I put my pinky there too and say, "I pinky promise I'll be a good boy."
She smiles and kisses my cheek. "I love you Jase."
I give her a hug and say, "I love you too mommy."
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Everything seems wrong to Ryan. His clothes don't feel the same that they did the other day and his house is no longer his safe place to go and feel al his problems disappear. He couldn't stand work and all the customers looking for a new house for their happy families. He couldn't stand the stupid Christmas songs on the radio and the Christmas lights when he drove home from work. He couldn't sleep, he had problems eating since he pretty much lost his appetite. Every move he made was a struggle, everyday it got harder to smile and pretend like things were okay in front of Jason. He didn't want any of this. He wanted his wife to be healthy.
Was that too much to ask?
As he got home, he could sense there was something different about his house. He walked in and called out, "Marissa…Jason?"
"Over here in the living room daddy!" Jason called out to him. He sounded excited about something so Ryan walked, preparing himself to smile.
As he arrived, he saw that there was a Christmas Tree in the living room. It was completely decorated with all the ornaments and lights. He looked from Marissa's tired but happy face and Jason's bubbly excited one to the tree. "You put up the tree," he said.
Jason nods and walks to him and takes his hand. It's so small and soft in his own that he feels his worries start to disappear for the moment. "Do you like it daddy?" Jason asked, looking for approval from his father.
Ryan nods and picks his son up in his arms. "Yeah, it's beautiful," He says softly to his son.
Jason smiles widely and hugs his dad. Ryan looks over his son's shoulders and sees Marissa sitting down on the couch, looking winded. His smile that had started to form slowly diminishes and he shares a knowing look with Marissa.
The end is getting nearer.
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As Christmas got closer and closer, my daddy stopped smiling completely. He didn't even try like he used to, just kind of nodded at me whenever I talked to him. Mommy didn't get any better. She was still really sick, and only getting sicker. My grandma told me that my mommy and daddy were having a hard time right now and when I asked what about, she wouldn't tell me. Mommy went to the doctor again the other day and when I asked her about it afterwards she said that she didn't have to go to the doctor anymore after that. I wanted to ask why she seemed so sad, but I figured it would make daddy upset.
I heard mommy and daddy talking earlier. I know I shouldn't have been listening, but I couldn't help it. My daddy kept telling my mommy, "We have to tell him." And my mommy kept saying, "Soon."
It's two days until Christmas now, one day until Christmas Eve. Mommy isn't even getting out of bed anymore. I decide that I should go talk to her. Daddy is in the other room and I sneak past him to get upstairs. He doesn't like it when I go talk to mommy, always saying that she needs her rest. I know I'll probably get in trouble, but I have to see her. When I reach their room, I open the door quietly and tip toe to the side of the bed. "Mommy?" I whisper.
Her eyes slowly open and she looks over to me. "Hey…" She says softly, giving me a really small smile. She pats the spot on the bed next to her and says, "You haven't come up in a while."
I shake my head and lay down next to her on the bed. "Daddy says you need to sleep."
"Well your daddy is wrong," She says softly, running her hand through my hair. "I need my boy to keep me company."
I smile and look at her. "Mommy, are you going to be okay?" I ask.
Her smile stays on her face and she nods slowly, saying, "Yeah, soon I won't be in anymore pain."
"You're going to get better?" I ask, figuring this is pretty good news.
She looks at me and says, "Jason…have you ever heard of heaven?"
I nod and tell her what Johnny told me. "He says it's a place where people go after they die."
She nods and is quiet. Finally, after a while she says, "Jase…I'm going to heaven soon."
I look at her, not understanding. "Why are you going to heaven mommy?"
"I'm really sick, and that guy Jesus decided that he needed to make me feel better, so he's going to take me to heaven really soon," She says softly, looking at me.
"Why can't he make you better down here?" I ask, still not understanding why my mommy has to leave.
"Because it's my time to go to heaven," She says.
"So you're going to leave me?" I ask, my voice starting to get weird like it does right before I cry.
"No…I'll never leave you," She says, putting her arms around me and hugging me. She kisses my forehead and says, "I'm just going to go away for a while, at least my body is." She looks into my eyes and wipes away some of the tears that have fallen down my face. "But I'll always be with you…" She points to my chest where my heart is, "I'm always going to be there, in your heart. And here…" She points to my head, "In your memory."
"Forever?" I ask.
"Forever," She says.
By now, we're both crying. "But mommy…" I say.
"What is it Jase?" She asks with a small smile.
"I don't want you to go…" I whisper really quietly.
"I don't either," she says softly, and then she hugs me and I feel a little better. My mommy's hugs can always make me feel better.
I never noticed that daddy had been watching us the whole time.
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When Jason and Marissa are done saying their goodbyes, Jason turns around and sees Ryan, his eyes getting wide. "I'm sorry daddy…I just wanted to see mommy…" He says, probably thinking he's in trouble.
He walk to his son and scoops him off of the bed, taking him into his arms. "It's okay, I'm glad you talked to your mommy. It's time for bed now though," he says, taking his son into the other room.
"Good night," Jason says in the direction of Marissa, but by then her eyes are closed again.
Ryan carries Jason to his room and says, "So you and mommy had a good talk?"
Jason looks at his father sadly and nods. "She says she's going to a place called heaven," He says.
Ryan nods and feels his heart break, just like it did when he saw them having the conversation. "Yeah, she is."
Jason looks at him and asks, "Are you going to heave too daddy?"
He shakes his head and says, "No buddy, it's just your mommy. Me and you will still be together. Is that okay?"
Jason nods and yawns. "Yes, it's better than not having both of you."
Ryan nods and agrees. Jason gets dressed for bed and brushes his teeth. The minute his head hit's the pillow, he falls asleep. Ryan gets up and walks to his and Marissa's room quietly, trying not to wake either of them. He slips into bed, pulling Marissa close to his body. He feels for her breathing, and when he's sure that she's still alive, he finally drifts off to sleep.
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Christmas Eve goes by quickly. It's three o'clock when I realize that I don't have a present for mommy. I quickly got to my room and get my piggy bank and break it open. I call Uncle Seth and Aunt Summer and they say that if it's okay with my daddy, they'll take me shopping. Daddy says it's fine as long as I'm not gone long and I go with them to the mall. When we get there, I tell them that I need to be alone as I look for things and they tell me not to wander off.
I decide to look at the shoes because my mommy has always liked shoes. I look through all of them and am amazed by how many different types there were. There were some with big bottoms and some that were really small, some that were fuzzy and some that were smooth, some that were hard and some that were really soft. I can't find any that I'm sure that mommy will like though and I'm beginning to get really sad. That's when I find the most perfect shoes ever.
They're red and have some shiny glittery stuff on them. I look at the size and think that they'll fit mommy. I get the box and happily take it to the counter. That's when I notice the time…it's getting kind of late. A guy's voice comes on over the speaker and says the store is closing. I run to the line and cut in front of a man. "Hey kid, back of the line!" He says really madly.
"I need to get home!" I say, and he gets quiet, probably deciding it doesn't matter. I give the box of shoes to the guy at the cash register and then hand him the money from my piggy bank.
He counts for a really long time and I just wait, trying to act grown up. I look around and see Aunt Summer looking at some clothes and Uncle Seth saying something about them. Aunt Summer smacks Uncle Seth and I giggle. The guy counting my money says, "You don't have enough money here."
I look at him and say, "I don't?"
He looks really bored and says, "No, so unless you have it, you need to go."
I don't mean to, but I start to cry. He gets really upset when I do that. "But I need these shoes!"
"And I need ten more dollars!" He says back.
I take the shoes and start to cry. Mommy won't be able to wear her shoes…and what will Jesus think? I want her to look pretty for when she goes to heaven, but if I don't have the money….
The guy that had gotten mad at me for cutting him says, "Hey kid…don't cry."
"I'm sorry," I say, sniffing and trying to stop. "But my mommy always made Christmas good and now she's going to heaven and I don't have money…"
"Hold on, hold on. What's the problem?" He asks me, and the guy at the cash register rolls his eyes.
"My mommy is really sick and I wanted to buy her these shoes because they're pretty and I want her to look pretty if she goes to heaven and meets Jesus tonight," I say, still crying.
He looks at me and then the guy at the register and says, "I'll pay the rest." He hands the guy the card and says, "This is for the kid."
"Thank you!" I say, smiling and wiping the tears off of my face.
He smiles and says, "Merry Christmas…and I'm sure your mom will look pretty."
I nod and run to Aunt Summer and Uncle Seth and tell them that I'm ready to go. I need to show my mommy her shoes!
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Ryan meanwhile was with Marissa, trying not to break down in front of her. He was always supposed to be the strong one, the one that she looked to for support. But as he looked at her dying in front of him, it was impossible. "Ryan…" she says softly, taking hold of his shirt.
"Hmm?" He asks, looking at her.
"Who are you?" she asks, a small, weak smile on her face.
He looks into her eyes and feels the tears in his eyes, but blinks them back. "Whoever you want me to be," He says softly.
She looks into his eyes and says, "You were everything I wanted you to be and more. Thank you."
He swallowed the lump in his throat and says, "I wish you didn't have to go."
She nods slowly and says, "Me too."
"I love you," He says softly, his face close to hers. "from the first time I saw you at the bottom of the driveway, I've loved you."
"Thank you," She whispers and lets out a slight giggle.
"you're never going to let me forget that are you?" He asks, smiling down at her.
She shakes her head and says, "Nope, never." Her smile disappears and she get serious again. "I love you too…I always will, and I'll watch you and Jason."
He kisses her softly then, the last kiss they will ever share.
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I run into the house excitedly, not even saying goodbye to Uncle Seth and Aunt Summer. I run upstairs to my mommy's room and present her the box. "I got you a present!" I say excitedly.
She's with my daddy and smiles at me. "Let me see."
I hand her the box and she opens it, revealing the shoes. "They're beautiful Jase." She hands them to me and says, "Put them on for me."
I slip them onto her feet, and they fit! I look at her and say, "You look pretty, mommy. Jesus is going to love them."
She smiles and says, "Do you remember your promise?"
I nod and say, "I'll be a good boy."
She smiles and says, "Good…" Then she closes her eyes….
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The next morning I wake up and daddy tells me that mommy went to heaven. I look at him and ask, "Daddy, do you think that Jesus liked mommy's shoes?"
He looks at me, tears in his eyes and says, "Yeah buddy, I think he did."