Author's Note: So, I may have messed around with some seasonal stuff in here. I hope that's okay. And this is dedicated to pockymadcap on DA (also known as Samm, I think). Merry Christmas! (Or Happy Holidays, to be politically correct. I hope none of you are offended.)

Warnings: Hardcore smut and lack of plot. For reals.

Frost Me

The long walk down the hallway of the Aktsuki's main building was too far, as long as Deidara was concerned. He padded down it, Sasori's giant hunk of a body hugging close to the wall as possible. Deidara knew how he felt, trying to get so far away. He wasn't particularly fond of the puppet master, either.

They had just finished with another lecture on proper mission recall from that damn know-it-all leader of theirs (know-it-all being Deidara's term, damn being Sasori's) and Sasori was brooding.

"You reflect badly on my good record," he'd said quietly. "Why can't you do anything?"

Deidara didn't lash back, not in front of the leader. He already looked bad, as Sasori had said. Forcing himself into another word-battle with Sasori would only make it worse. Deidara didn't need to look like any more of an idiot in front of the leader than he already did.

Deidara was just about to speak—he was sure he could comment on the mission, which they both hated, and maybe get on Sasori's good side—when something exploded at the other end of the hallway, along with a shout from Zetsu.

"Tobi! Get back here!"

Normally Deidara liked explosions. Explosions were good, messy. Beautiful. This explosion of Tobi as he raced down the hallway—black and orange and just so wrong—was not beautiful. It was the most hideous fucking explosion Deidara was sure he'd ever seen.

"Tobi, watch out, or you'll crash right into—"

Too late. Zetsu cringed as Tobi narrowly avoided hitting Sasori and ran straight into Deidara in the process. They tumbled down to the ground, Deidara's palms biting angrily and instinctively into Tobi's jacket and any bit of his skin they could find. Tobi screamed as they landed in a heap, Deidara on top, his palms drawing blood.

Deidara got up and shook himself off, wiping his hands off on his robes. He made a move back towards Tobi, who flinched and yelped. "I'll be good, Deidara-senpai! Just don't hurt me, please!"

Senpai? Deidara didn't even know this brat's name, and already the kid knew his. And the kid had called him senpai, for Akatsuki's sake. Senpai. What the hell kind of name was that?

Deidara was just about to open his mouth to tell the kid what kind of name he thought senpai was when Sasori cleared his throat. "We have to go, Deidara," he said gruffly.

"Give me a moment! I just got bowled over by this brat, un."

"Maybe if you would watch where you were going, you wouldn't have that problem. Now hurry, or we'll be late for our arrival to Suna."

"Dammit, Sasori-danna," Deidara muttered as he shuffled down the hallway after his superior.

Deidara barely even stopped to look back to see where Tobi was lying on the floor, trying to stem the flow of blood from his arm. He was just about to raise his voice again—angry at himself for having done such a stupid thing—when he stopped and took some clay from one of his packs, smashing it between his hands to calm himself. The kid wasn't hurt that badly, and it didn't really even matter. It wasn't like anyone cared for damaged goods, anyway.

xxx

"Sasori-danna," Deidara asked quietly once they were well on their way to Suna, "who was that kid?"

"What kid?"

"You know. The one that ran into me before, un. With Zetsu."

"I don't know," Sasori grumbled. "He's Zetsu's subordinate, or something like that. He's just a kid. An annoying kid."

"Annoying how?"

Sasori paused a minute and moved his puppet head so he was facing Deidara while walking. "Annoying like you," he said finally. "He asks too many questions like you do. And he doesn't seem to do much right…also like you. Brat's just waiting for a dead man's shoes, and then Akatsuki will go downhill. It'll be a dark day he joins us, mark my words. Villains aren't supposed to be that happy."

xxx

The mission was a disaster. In all simplicity, they had gotten the jinchuuriki, but Sasori had perished at the hands of Chiyo and that pink-haired brat of a girl. Deidara had no partner, and without a partner, he was useless. The only Akatsuki that was partner-less was Zetsu, simply because there already was already two of him.

Deidara was alone for the time being. He hated Sasori, of course, but it was…a lonely existence without him. Who now did he have to argue with? Hate had its roots, but when he had argued with Sasori, he had felt like he mattered.

Deidara had just decided to retire to his bedroom for the day, waiting for Pein to assign him his new partner. He prayed it wouldn't be that stupid kid Tobi, but he seemed to be the only candidate at the moment. He'd pick up Sasori's ring, and claimed himself as the rightful owner. Stupid Tobi.

Something sparkled in the corner of the room. Something colorful, and bright and…oh, for Akatsuki's sake, what the hell was that?

"What the hell is that, un? It looks dangerous."

"The holidays are coming up, Deidara-senpai," said a small voice from the doorway. "So I brought you a lighted tree. I was reading up on them…they're supposed to make people happy!"

"Leave me alone, un," Deidara said, putting a ragged sleeve over his eye. "I'd hit you, but Kakuzu's not done with my arms yet. I don't need to be happy, un."

Tobi sat down at the edge of the bed, as though he was waiting for something. He turned his masked head towards Deidara, begging. "Please."

"Please what?"

"Please tell me I'm a good boy," he said quietly.

"Why should I? You're not a good boy, un. You put that stupid tree over there, and it's not good. Take it down, and maybe then you'll be a good boy, un."

"So I'm a bad boy?"

"Yes, Tobi," Deidara said slowly. "You're a very bad boy."

Deidara didn't know why, but his stomach quivered as he said that. Saliva rushed to his mouth, hot and wet. Stupid Tobi, he thought. Stupid tree. Stupid everything.

There was a tinkling and a rustle from the corner. Tobi unplugged the little tree and slid out through the door, nearly tripping on the piece of cord that hung from the accursed decoration.

"Get that thing away from me, dammit!" Deidara heard Hidan scream from somewhere down the hall. "It's not from my god! Get it away, before Jashin become angry!"

Deidara chuckled to himself. Maybe Tobi wasn't so bad, he decided. He just needed to be…properly dealt with. Like the strangling he'd given Tobi in the woods. That was proper punishment. If you wanted the kid to do something right, you had to teach him.

And teach him he would, Deidara decided. At least, once he had his arms back.

xxx

Deidara turned his wrist back and forth, admiring how smoothly it moved, like it'd never been severed at all. Then something froze and his arm just hung there, completely limp. He frowned and smacked it, as though that would make it work, just like smacking the TV in the Akatsuki common room.

"Don't do that," Kakuzu said, after Deidara had smacked his wrist for the fourth time. "The nerves aren't fully attached yet. They need to heal. You'll have to wait to use your arms."

"Then what am I supposed to do? How can I eat, and make art, and watch TV, un?"

A loud call came from outside the door. "Sennnnnpai!"

Externally, Deidara groaned. Internally…well, he wasn't sure what was going on with him, exactly. Deidara's heart leapt into his throat, and his newly-attached palms salivated. He tried to clench his fists, hoping to stop his mouths, but they only licked the insides of his fingers, making him wince and try not to laugh as the tongues tickled his skin.

"Tobi's going to help you," Kakuzu said. "He's going to feed you, sculpt for you, and get up and change the TV channel when nobody can find the remote."

Tobi leaned closer, and Deidara though he saw a gleam in his eye behind that freaky orange mask. "Wanna decorate for Christmas, senpai?"

"No."

"Wanna bake cookies?"

"No, Tobi."

"Do you wanna—?"

Deidara's body twitched. Why wouldn't he just leave him alone? And that creepy mask…well, if it would make Tobi get away from his face… "Yes, fine Tobi. Whatever, un!"

Tobi stood up and clapped his hands together. "Yaaay! Kakuzu, me and Deidara-senpai are going to organize a gift exchange. Isn't that exciting?"

Kakuzu looked up from his chair in the corner, where he had sat down and began to read a magazine. "Hunh? Yeah, 's okay, as long as it doesn't cost too much money."

Tobi yanked Deidara off the bed by one of his dead-weight arms and pulled his off towards the kitchen to make a list of names and decide on spending limits. Deidara groaned and looked back helplessly at Kakuzu, who pretended not to notice. It was going to be one hell of Christmas, Deidara knew. What ever Christmas was, anyway.

xxx

"Ahhh, Tobi," Deidara said, collapsing face-first onto the kitchen counter. "That's not a very good cookie, un. It doesn't even look like what's-his-name. It looks more like…well…I don't know exactly, un."

"It's Santa Claus," Tobi said matter-of-factly. They'd finished the gift exchange lists earlier, and Tobi somehow managed to get everyone to participate, including the higher-ups. Deidara was still mystified as to how he did it. "Want some frosting…senpai?"

Deidara raised his head and blinked. Tobi had sounded like Tobi…up until that last sentence. What had that been? Tobi sounded darker, and a bit more like a real villain. Maybe hanging around with Deidara had rubbed off on him.

Tobi raised a hand—he'd taken his gloves off for the task of making cookies—and smeared some frosting on Deidara's lips and turned to put the cookies in the oven. Deidara licked some of the frosting from his lip, not sure if he liked the taste. It was almost too sweet, and the coloring was sure to stain his tongue green. He was attempting to lick the last of the frosting off his upper lip when Tobi stepped away from the oven, his mask turned so Deidara could see his face, and one of his eyes.

Red, just like Itachi's. One of those eyes.

"T-Tobi?" Deidara stuttered nervously. He back up, but found he was already tight against the counter with no where to go. And with useless arms he had no way of defending himself, either.

"Deidara," Tobi said in that dark voice again. A shiver went up Deidara's spine, and his palms began to salivate again. "Deidara, want some more frosting?"

Tobi slowly undid the hooks on Deidara's coat, letting one of his fingers trail down Deidara's stomach, leaving red frosting in its wake. Tobi bent his head and slowly licked some of the frosting off, until all that was left was a sugary residue.

"Tobi, what the fuck are you doing, un?" Deidara breathed.

Tobi pulled Deidara's coat off, leaving Deidara wearing his mesh shirt and pants. The coat was shoved underneath the counter somewhere, and Tobi pushed Deidara back, so he fell right on the floured surface where the cookie dough had been earlier.

He bent his head and licked at the frosting trail again. Deidara quivered, and when Tobi finally slipped a hand underneath his shirt Deidara used his feet to knock Tobi's lips against his, clenching them tight in a full kiss. He smiled as Tobi's tongue ran across his mouth, and he could taste frosting and sugar cookies and something else that just tasted Tobi.

Tobi's nails dug deep into Deidara's sides as he lifted the mesh shirt over Deidara's head. Deidara struggled against it, but gave in once Tobi resorted to ripping a few of the seams. One of Deidara's hands twitched, the mouth snapping wildly open and shut. Tobi bent his head to the seam on Deidara's chest and kissed the stitches, letting his tongue run over the slit, which was leaking saliva. Deidara turned his head away and closed his eyes. He felt hot all over, like he had a sudden fever.

"Tobi…" he said slowly. "Tobi, why are you doing this?"

Tobi lifted his head and brought it down again to kiss Deidara's stomach, one time after another. "You said it yourself, senpai," he said quietly between kisses. "I've been a very bad boy. Santa's not going to give me or you any presents…so I decided to give us a present myself."

Deidara shifted as Tobi slid his pants lower down his thin hips. Tobi kissed lower, one kiss after another, being careful to avoid the exact place he knew Deidara was aiming to have him kiss. Deidara shifted his hips side to side, angling for Tobi to kiss all of him. He felt so flushed, so sick, like he was going to explode like one of his sculptures.

Tobi slid the rest of Deidara's clothes off, leaving him naked. He bent his head down and gave Deidara a lick.

"Yes, un! Good boy, Tobi!"

Tobi pulled off his own Akatsuki cloak and garments and let them fall to the floor. He gave Deidara a slap on the cheek.

"Tell me I'm a bad boy."

"N-no, un. No!"

Tobi put his mouth around Deidara and took a long, slow lick. "Now?"

"Yes! Bad boy, Tobi! Bad boy!"

Tobi kissed Deidara again and listened closely as he moaned. "I knew you'd see things my way, senpai."

Deidara wrapped his legs around Tobi's back, angling, waiting for him to do something more. One of his palms snaked its tongue out of own accord, and bit into Tobi's shoulder when he didn't do what Deidara wanted right away. Tobi hissed sharply and wrapped his lips around Deidara again, stopping once the blonde began to moan.

"Bad boy, Tobi! Keep going, un!" Deidara yelled.

Tobi's fingers hit the bowl of frosting somewhere behind him, and he grabbed the wooden spoon out of it, smearing streaks of red and white all over Deidara's thighs. He licked at it and sucked, making sure not to get too close to his shaft. Deidara's back arched as he pressed his skin harder against Tobi's lips. Tobi too a nip at the skin and pushed Deidara flat on the wooden counter, where Deidara's thrashing had scattered the flour left over from baking in Deidara's hair and all over the back of his arms and hands.

Somewhere behind them, the timer went off for the cookies. Neither of them heard it.

Tobi pressed himself against Deidara's entrance, which was wet with saliva and diluted frosting. "Bad boy, senpai," he said, pushing in. Deidara hissed and squirmed, trying to find a way to adjust. His mouths snapped to and fro, making new bite marks all over Tobi's arms. Tobi smiled and pushed in harder. Deidara screamed and glared at him, the sadistic bastard.

With one thrust, Deidara felt sick again. His face felt so hot, and below him he could feel Tobi inside, hard and pushing and there was something wrong about it, yet something that just seemed to be right. His thighs still felt sticky from all the frosting and he kept trying to strangle the moans that escaped his throat, failing miserably.

"Deidara," Tobi said from somewhere above him. Deidara looked up, straight into Tobi's visible eye, and fell prey to his mangekyo sharigan.

Those eyes again. Those accursed, god-forsaken eyes! Deidara thought.

Tobi…ohh…w-what are you doing to me, un?"

Tobi smiled, though whether it was sadistic or sweet was indecipherable. He thrust in, and Deidara's palms bit into the wood of the counter, leaving deep marks. His teeth drew blood against his lip as something white-hot and beautiful overtook him, and then the world went black-and-white, like a photograph negative.

It was like Deidara was living it all over again.

"T-Tobi?" his voice echoed in the deep blackness before he realized Tobi was still above him, and they were back to where they'd started. Deidara thought he was going mad. And when Tobi pushed himself in again, though it seemed a lot harder this time, he screamed. He screamed so loud and came so fast that neither one of them had time to react.

And then Deidara found himself back on the counter again, covered in flour and wet frosting, panting like mad and unable to think. He no longer felt sick, but still hot, like his fever or whatever he had been feeling had burned itself out.

Tobi pulled himself out and moved Deidara over farther on the large counter, making room for himself to lie down next to him. Deidara lay on Tobi's chest and bent his head up so their lips met in a chaste kiss. The air smelled like burning cookies.

"Good boy, Tobi," he whispered.

Tobi drew designs in the flour with his finger, as though he was at a loss for what to say. "Merry Christmas, senpai." He shook his head and placed a kiss to Deidara's collarbone. That wasn't what he'd meant to say. "Sorry," he said. "I meant to say 'Merry Christmas, Deidara.'"

xxx

"A key? Kakuzu, what the fuck do I need a key for, shithead? And I don't even like this holiday, with its god Santa Claus or whoever. Jashin doesn't approve of this shit."

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed. "The key leads to the closet in the front hallway. I kidnapped some people and left them there for you…as sacrifices."

"Really? Well thanks, shithead. Merry…um, whatever. Fuck. Thanks."

"My turn!" Tobi sang, diving to grab a present from underneath the giant tree he'd convinced Kisame to place in the living room. "This is for you, Deidara-senpai."

Deidara turned his head, the only action he could actually do without extreme exhaustion. He was tired from decorating and making cookies all day…among other things.

He blinked, and a black-and-white negative of Tobi above him on the counter flashed beneath his lids. Damn eyes. Damn Tobi. Damn Christmas.

Kisame, deciding that Deidara was taking to long to move, threw Itachi's present at the Uchiha. Itachi removed the wrapping paper and the box lid in one swift move, digging through the tissue paper to reveal…a pair of boxers?

Itachi looked at Kisame quizzically and then seemed to understand, even though none of the rest of them members could see the meaning behind the present.

"Those look a little big for Itachi, don't you think?" Konan said from her spot in the corner, where she was folding paper into ornaments for the Christmas tree. Deidara was amazed she was participating—or speaking—at all, but Tobi did have a way with the higher-ups.

Zetsu's eyes moved slowly from Itachi to Kisame, and he seemed to see what Konan was getting at. Perhaps two heads were better than one…or two halves? Zetsu turned his gaze on Kisame. "You're not wearing any underwear, are you?"

"Damn straight."

"Ugh! That's sick, you shithead. I didn't need that fucking image."

Itachi silently rose from the floor, and Kisame followed him without any words. The message in Itachi's gaze made everything clear: Follow us and die.

Deidara finally pulled the last bit of wrapping paper from the gift Tobi had given him, holding it up to the light to get a better look. It was a cookie, from the looks of it, with two gingerbread men baked together, holding hands. It was a little burnt, but Deidara could still see that one of the figures was wearing a round, swirly mask, and the other had rather long hair, frosted yellow.

Tobi's masked face peered over from behind the couch. "You like it, senpai?"

"Yeah. Thanks Tobi, un."

A shout came from the hall, where there was the sound of a door opening and closing, followed by a shout from outside. "What the fuck is this nativity scene doing here?" Hidan roared. "Jashin is going to kill us all!"

"Leave it where it is!" Deidara yelled, sitting up. "Tobi and I took hours putting that up, un. And Tobi can do what he wants," he said, lowering his voice to a whisper that only Tobi could hear. "After all…Tobi's been a bad boy this year."