In what would much later become one of the more legendary stories of their relationship, the moment Kevin Price and Connor McKinley had started becoming a couple was also understood between them to be "that time they'd had illicit oral sex in the BYU library."
The whole incident had come about when Connor approached Kevin after their math lecture one morning, tapping him on the shoulder. Even though they had been attending the same lecture hall class together for months, Kevin had to admit that he had very little idea who Connor was at the time, other than that he was a fairly respectable-looking Mormon student in Kevin's year who usually sat with a couple friends in the first row and who Kevin vaguely recalled to be involved in the performing arts scene on campus. Mostly Kevin recognized him by his shockingly pink backpack that he could often be seen bouncing around or sashaying with, which tended to attract a number of perplexed stares.
In any event, outside of proselytizing for the Church and participating in events for his numerous student organizations, Kevin didn't make much of a habit of actively trying to meet new people, as they more or less gravitated to him eventually with starstruck looks in their eyes. Similar, in fact, to the one Connor was giving him right then.
"So I've been thinking of possibly getting a tutor after that horrible midterm last week," Connor said cheerfully, after they'd made their introductions, "and, well, they say you're the best in the entire class." He cast his eyes downward in an almost shy manner, scuffing his shoe on the ground.
"Oh – huh – I guess I am," Kevin replied casually, trying not to sound too pleased. "Sure, I'd be happy to get together and help you study some time."
Connor beamed at him with a startling radiance, and they swiftly exchanged phone numbers. Afterwards Connor ran off towards his next class, his pink backpack bobbing up and down in excitement. Kevin could even swear that he had started skipping.
That weekend they met up for a couple hours in the university library, at a table located in an isolated corner in the far back so they could make a reasonable amount of noise if they wanted to. Connor listened in rapt attention, his chin cupped in one hand, as Kevin went over what they had learned that week and worked through some example problems from their textbook.
"Amazing...it makes complete sense now," Connor said dreamily after Kevin had finished covering the most recent topics. "You know, I usually get so sleepy in lectures...but somehow it all seems so clear and interesting when you explain it."
"Well, you're a fast learner." Kevin peered at the sheets of paper containing the practice problems Connor had been working on, noting the tidy, virtually flawless solutions scribbled underneath. "Very fast, as a matter of fact...are you sure you're really in need of tutoring?"
Looking a little pink, Connor mumbled something incomprehensible while he started filing away papers in his folder. Kevin glimpsed a corner of an exam packet poking out from the pile and deftly tugged it out before Connor could react.
"Hey! Give that back!" Connor exclaimed, making a frantic grab for it. Kevin waved it around and held it out of his reach, grinning at Connor's increasingly flustered efforts to retrieve the papers from him.
"Ninety-four percent?" he read off the exam packet incredulously and tossed it back at Connor, who nearly fumbled it. "You're hardly in danger of failing, McKinley."
Connor was blushing furiously as he stuffed the packet into his backpack. "There's always room for improvement, I like to say...not all of us get perfect or nearly perfect scores on everything we try."
"Point taken." Kevin turned his chair at an angle and shifted his weight to prop his arms on the back of it. "Okay, fess up – this isn't really about tutoring, is it?" he asked, arching his eyebrows.
"We-ell..." Connor hedged, twiddling his fingers on the tabletop, "maybe I was a teensy bit curious after hearing so much about the great Kevin Price...and wanted a chance to get to know you better." He smiled, suddenly seeming bashful. "We don't run in the same circles, so I had to come up with a good excuse."
"I'm flattered. Though believe it or not, I've had people come up with crazier excuses." Something clicked just then, based on the not-so-discreet, appreciative glances Connor had been directing at various parts of Kevin's anatomy over the past hour (not that Kevin could entirely blame him). Before Kevin had merely chalked it up to hero worship, but now he was formulating a distinctly different impression. "Er, not that it matters to me, but...are you gay, by any chance?"
Connor blinked at him. "Oh, of course not." He waved his hand dismissively. "Not anymore."
"Anymore?" Kevin repeated in confusion.
"Erm, well, I did use to have temptations," Connor said in a low voice, laughing uneasily. "But it's nothing to worry about! I assure you, two years of being on a mission and several months of reparative therapy stamped it right out of me." He flashed a sunny smile, unnaturally wide and strained at the corners.
Kevin frowned, thinking that Connor seemed to be acting rather odd, but he found an opportunity to temporarily segue to another subject. "Where were you stationed for your mission?"
"Uganda. I was district leader. You?"
"Mm, Florida."
"Ooh. That must have been fun," Connor said, with a hint of envy.
"It was all right. Got kind of boring, to be honest." Kevin shrugged and turned his chair back around. "So you really just stopped being gay? How does that work?"
"It's easy. All I do is turn off any inappropriate feelings when I'm about to have them," Connor said, enthusiastically miming a switch-flicking motion. "I think my mission really helped with that. Drove home the importance of staying morally righteous, you know?" He then perked up, looking like he'd been struck by an idea. "Here, I'll show you. Touch my hand." He closed his eyes and extended his arm across the table, placing his palm upward. Kevin didn't know what else to do, so he laid his fingers tentatively on top of Connor's hand and pressed down gently.
Connor gulped visibly at Kevin's touch, but after several seconds he put on a shaky smile, opening his eyes. "See? I feel absolutely nothing."
"All that therapy just to touch another boy's hand?" Kevin withdrew his hand from Connor's (who seemed a little reluctant to let it go). "I'm not convinced."
"Okay then, let's raise the stakes." Connor tilted forward in his chair, turning one side of his face towards Kevin. "How about...you kiss my cheek?"
"Are you sure?" Kevin asked bemusedly. "The honor code says..."
"I know what the honor code says, Kevin. How else am I supposed to prove to you that I'm not homosexual?" Connor replied in an isn't-it-obvious tone, but his eyes were beginning to dart around a bit nervously. "Just do it quickly before anyone comes around."
Kevin shook his head but decided in the end to humor Connor's request, and he leaned forward to brush his lips against the other boy's cheek. It was pillowy soft, softer than he'd expected. Connor's breathing hitched, and he murmured something that sounded like offoffOFF while gripping the underside of his chair. His eyes stayed riveted on Kevin, silently urging him to keep going.
Kevin couldn't shake the feeling that they were doing something very, very wrong, but he went ahead and pressed another kiss to Connor's cheek, a little more roughly this time. All of a sudden a spark seemed to ignite within his chest, flooding his insides with a strange tingly sensation. He quickly drew back, feeling his face grow warm.
Connor was biting his lip. "I did feel something that time," he confessed, in a small voice. He rubbed his hands on his thighs and straightened himself up in a determined manner. "Do – do it again until I get it right."
"Maybe we shouldn't..." Kevin began, unnerved by the – whatever it was – he had just experienced. His heart was hammering rapidly against the wall of his chest, and his pants suddenly seemed a lot tighter.
"Please, Kevin," Connor said in a quietly pleading tone that was close to begging, and Kevin again felt an uncomfortable stirring within himself. Then Connor squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath, like he was raising up a hard wall of resolve over his face. "I need to do this."
With somewhat less reluctance than before, Kevin kissed him again, once on his cheek, then gradually several times along his jaw and in the space beside his ear. Connor's lower lip began to quiver as he struggled to maintain composure, and he breathed out a tiny oh as Kevin's lips hovered close to his ear, blowing into it a warm stream of air. Kevin could see him slowly starting to break, his determined facade precariously slipping further and further with every brush of Kevin's lips, and Kevin was becoming utterly fascinated in spite of himself. There was some dark, not exactly pure side of him, one that he'd never known existed, that wanted to watch all that tightly wound propriety unravel.
He reached up and placed a hand on Connor's neck, under the collar of his shirt. The skin there was smooth and pale, heating up to a red, feverish tint. Kevin rolled his knuckles along a particularly warm patch, sensing it burn up even more with his touch. His fingertips met the edge of Connor's temple garment and skirted just below the neckline a few times, and since he heard no word of protest coming forth from Connor's end, he gently lifted the garment for a peek underneath. He could see all the way down to the lean, vulnerable softness of Connor's abdomen.
By this point Kevin had grown disturbingly hard underneath his jeans, and that was raising more than a few confusing questions that he decided to shelve for later. He prodded at the exposed flesh in a rush of excitement, his hand flitting around the curve of Connor's naked shoulder and squeezing it, which elicited a small, aroused whimper. Slowly, giving Connor enough time to pull away, he began dragging his hand across Connor's chest, swiping a hardened nipple, and rested his palm just over Connor's wildly pulsating heart.
Kevin's own heart was racing to match it. He knew that this would definitely be considered sin, what they were doing, a transgression of the worst variety...but at some point throughout all this, he had stopped caring. The rules of their university and their religion temporarily ceased to seem real in this quiet space that held only the both of them. The only real thing in the world right now was this – the touch of Connor's soft skin under his hand and the accelerating beat of Connor's heart.
After a while Kevin realized that Connor had stopped breathing, and that his eyes had snapped open. He was staring unblinkingly at Kevin, his eyes wide and almost fearful – afraid, maybe, of this thing they were both feeling.
But he no longer seemed to be putting up any resistance, just...waiting. And wanting. As badly as Kevin did, if not more.
On an impulse Kevin shifted his gaze downward. One of Connor's hands had fallen to his lap, twitching restlessly. He had started touching himself through the fabric of his jeans.
Kevin hesitated, then did something that he knew instantly he was going to regret. He cupped Connor's reddened, mortified face with both hands – "K-Kevin," Connor stammered out in shock – and kissed him on the mouth.
For a breathless moment Connor kissed back ardently, his fingers curled into Kevin's hair and his mouth blissfully hot and needy. Emboldened, Kevin leaned further into the kiss, applying just a little more tongue, which seemed to excite Connor even more. Then one of them let out a shuddery gasp, and they both remembered themselves.
"Oh no," Connor whispered softly against Kevin's mouth, his hands trembling. "No no no nononono…"
Then without warning, he'd sprung out of his seat onto Kevin's lap. All their books and papers were carelessly knocked onto the floor as Connor threw his arms around Kevin's neck and attacked his mouth with a savage ferocity, rubbing himself desperately against Kevin's leg. He grabbed a fistful of Kevin's shirt, the buttons popping open with ease, and before Kevin could register what was happening, Connor had shoved the shirt down Kevin's arms and was sliding his hands avidly all over Kevin's collarbone and chest and back, as if trying to grope every inch of his body all at once. Kevin hung back, a little afraid to touch Connor in this state, but Connor took a hold of Kevin's hand and thrust it down his pants, cupping it around his erection while he moaned and continued to grind down ecstatically on Kevin's leg, which was just about ready to scorch from the friction...and Kevin knew then that there was no going back from this.
Ten minutes later they had stumbled over to a dark, secluded section of the library stacks, and Kevin had been stripped fully naked with his back and his ass pressed up against a bookcase and Connor's mouth wrapped around his dick, enthusiastically sucking Kevin off like his own life depended on it. Amid the cloudy screen of lust that was currently distorting his mental faculties, Kevin somehow managed to pull his wits together long enough to drag a book cart over the entrance of the stack, in an attempt to obscure Connor from view of the walkway. The incessant fear of getting caught in flagrante turned him on even more; every small noise around them made him jump a little and sent a fresh jolt of adrenaline coursing through him, making every movement more breathlessly urgent and his sweaty grip on Connor's hair tighter and more aggressive.
There was a near-catastrophic moment when he glimpsed a female student walking in their direction, and he hurriedly grabbed the shirt hanging from the opposite shelf and threw it on, his heart pounding in his ears. Kevin then gave what he considered to be a truly Oscar-worthy performance of lounging against the case and pretending to nonchalantly read from a book, while Connor had his face buried against the inside of Kevin's thighs, kissing and licking soundlessly. Once the girl had passed by their stack, Kevin flung off his shirt, and they immediately resumed their sordid activities without further thought.
Kevin started grasping the shelf behind him with one hand for support, and he clamped his other hand over his mouth, willing himself to stay silent as Connor's tongue slid obscenely up and down his shaft. He gazed down at Connor, entranced at the sight of those piercing blue eyes steadily looking up at him, and in fascination he reached to pet Connor's hair, which was shiny and slick against his forehead. With his thumb Kevin traced a bead of sweat that was trickling down the side of Connor's face, kneading the flushed skin with a strange kind of tenderness. Connor responded with a wet, inhuman noise and took him deeper – deeper than Kevin thought was even possible – humming and moaning in a way that caused his dick to vibrate amazingly. Kevin's hand automatically flew to the back of Connor's head as he felt himself teeter on the brink of orgasm.
Kevin's hips jerked back violently against the bookcase as he came into Connor's mouth, unable to contain his moans any longer. A book went flying off one of the shelves, nearly hitting Connor on the shoulder. "Sorry," Kevin whispered as Connor continued sucking him dry, like nothing had happened.
After finishing, Kevin sank to the floor, panting and smiling stupidly in a haze of euphoria. He was covered all over in a thin, sticky film of sweat, and his hair was probably a horrific mess, too...but darn it if that hadn't been the hottest, most incredible thing he'd ever experienced. No wonder people enjoyed sinning so much.
Connor was turned away from him, coughing fitfully and trying to swallow. Most of his clothes were still on him – in their haste, Kevin hadn't managed to undress him all the way.
"Uh, thanks for that," Kevin said, awkwardly placing a hand on Connor's shoulder. Connor didn't answer. After a moment he sat up against the bookcase and gave Kevin a small smile, strands of unkempt hair falling into his eyes, but Kevin could see the guilt already starting to set in on his face.
Kevin on the other hand was still on a high that rendered him almost impervious to guilt. The blowjob had felt so amazing that he couldn't help wondering if Connor had done this before. For some reason, the thought of that made him a little sad. Mainly for Connor.
He crawled over to return the favor and pulled down Connor's pants, only to find that his garment bottoms were already damp. He glanced up at Connor's face, which was burning crimson with shame, and lord help him Connor's lips were bruised and shining with traces of...Kevin quickly averted his eyes, feeling that it was ungentlemanly of him to stare.
Connor hastily took off the bottom piece of his garment, tossed it over to Kevin, and turned himself in the other direction, huddling into a ball. Kevin wordlessly rolled it up and placed it on top of Connor's jeans.
The sound of voices and footsteps approaching in the distance quickly jarred Kevin back to reality. He scooted over to a spot on the floor just behind the book cart and pulled Connor close to him protectively, flattening his upper body against the case. While the intruders walked past Kevin held his breath, suddenly painfully conscious of his nudity, of Connor's hands clutching onto his bare shoulders and Connor's face pressing into the crook of his neck. He felt something that he soon realized was Connor's groin brush against his thigh, and he started a little, just barely succeeding in stifling a shocked noise.
Once it seemed everything was safe, Connor lifted his head, and they looked at each other, smiling like two naughty schoolchildren who had narrowly escaped punishment for their misdemeanors. Kevin felt a powerful urge to kiss him again and moved closer to do so. Their lips had only briefly made contact when Connor slunk back, a wall of icy distance falling between them, and went to retrieve his clothes.
"Oh, merciful Heavenly Father, forgive me. What have we done?" he heard Connor murmur to himself, his body shaking tremulously, and for once Kevin didn't have any easy answers to give.
Outside, Connor was beating his head repeatedly against a tree trunk. "I'm a disgusting person."
"No, you're not," Kevin said over his shoulder. He was leaning with his back against the same tree, inspecting and fixing his hair with his phone serving as a mirror.
Connor turned towards him with large, distraught eyes. "I just fellated you in the school library."
"True, you did do that," Kevin conceded as he pocketed his phone. Connor let out a cry of anguish and resumed hitting his head on the tree, muttering the words filthy, filthy, filthy over and over. Kevin tore him away to make him stop beating himself up, pulling Connor into his chest, and they collapsed down onto the grass together in one collective heap.
"I tried so hard to be good...but in the end, I'm just a dirty, dirty boy who can't be cured," Connor sniffed angrily into Kevin's shoulder, his hands bunching up the shirt on Kevin's back. "I deserve to be spanked. Or whipped." Another sniff. "Just tie me up and punish me already."
"I don't think you even know what you're saying," Kevin said helplessly.
Kevin was feeling horribly rattled himself, to tell the truth. Part of him was over-the-moon ecstatic about having had his first sexual experience and wanted to run off and proclaim it to the rest of the world; another part was slightly freaked that it had been with another guy; and a third, pragmatic part was highly cognizant of the fact that what they'd done was most definitely a serious, expulsionary offense, and Kevin had rarely ever received so much as a slap on the wrist for anything in his life. There was a fourth part that was getting rather concerned about Connor's mental state, and that one finally came to predominate over the others.
"This morning I was so, so sure I was straight," Connor said dully, his voice partially muffled by Kevin's shirt. He raised an arm to his face, sunlight glinting off his Hello Kitty wristwatch.
"That makes two of us," Kevin said, mostly to himself.
"What am I going to do?" Connor moaned, peering up at him. "I have an interview with the bishop tomorrow afternoon. I can't go in there and tell him I threw away all those months of therapy by sucking some boy's – well – " He let out a choking noise and buried his face back in Kevin's shirt. Kevin could feel hot tears seeping through the cloth of his shirt and was struck by an instant pang of sympathy. "It's even worse that I sti-still like you so much."
"Don't tell him anything," Kevin stated firmly, stroking Connor's hair. "It's none of his business, or the Church's."
"It's God's business if I'm a deviant, Kevin," Connor snapped, and Kevin attempted to calm him down with a kiss (which in hindsight was a pretty dumb move). Connor immediately stiffened against him, but his resistance soon gave way and he melted in Kevin's arms. They spent the next few minutes silently kissing, and then they just held each other for a while, as Kevin wiped away the lingering traces of tears from Connor's face. Connor clung onto him tightly, like he was afraid of what might happen if he let go.
"We could do it again, just to be really sure," Kevin suggested after some time had passed, attempting a smile.
"Are you making fun of me?" Connor demanded, pouting. His lips were still red and slightly bruised, and Kevin experienced a strange lurch of arousal, thinking about how they'd gotten that way.
The long, honest answer to Connor's question was no, he was only being a horny, sexually repressed male in his early twenties who had just experienced oral sex for the first time and who had a really cute, if panicky, Mormon boy nestled in his arms...but somehow Kevin didn't think that answer would make Connor feel any better.
"I like you a lot, Connor," he said, imbuing his voice with as much earnestness as he could muster, and Connor stared at him in surprise. "And honestly, I...I wouldn't mind if we did something like this again, when you're ready." He paused, and then added, "Though maybe not in a public area next time."
"We can't do this again, are you nuts?" Connor said, almost laughing in disbelief. "What if we get found out? What if we get expelled, and excommunicated, a-and – "
"Fuck all that. I'll risk if it you will," Kevin said suddenly, grabbing both of Connor's shoulders, and it was the boldest declaration he'd ever made in his life. He was grinning, his heart racing in exhilaration, feeling as though a cord had just snapped somewhere deep within him. He had never been rebellious before, and he rather liked it.
"We barely know each other," Connor said, with a weak smile.
"I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it. We can go slowly." He laced his fingers with Connor's and brought their joined hands up to his mouth, applying a fervent kiss. "Here, let's start again. I'm Kevin Price, and I'd like to take you, Connor McKinley, out for ice cream in fifteen minutes."
Connor studied Kevin's eager face warily for a few moments, as if looking for cautionary signs, and then – slowly – broke out into another smile. It was small, but genuine. "I'd like that," he said quietly.
They embraced again and kissed softly, while laughing out some sort of shared, indefinable happiness. And they listened to the sounds of bells from the carillon tower gently chiming in the distance.