Harry Potter and the Idiot's Shiny Rock

AN: This is my first Fanfic, so please be nice :). Special thanks to the-rage-in-disguise for helping me with the story and title. So on with the story *epic music*

Chapter 1

It was a normal day at the Dursleys', normal except for the fact that there was a giant oaf who was randomly bursting through the door. And then he got in and gave Harry a pig's tail. Because he was so dumb that he could not differentiate Harry from Dudley, even though it had already been clearly established that he is extremely famous and that Harry Potter is a household name.

"Ahh 'orry 'Arry . I didn't know ye done 'ad green eyes and black 'air." Apologized Hagid.

"Uhhhh" Harry said , with drool coming out of the side of his mouth .

"Uh, Harry? Your mouth." Said Dudley, while handing him a tissue.

"OOOOOO! PRETTY!" exclaimed Harry, who promptly began to play with the 'pretty' tissue.

"Harry is a little … special," Said Aunt Petunia "He just needs a little extra help."

"Nonsense, Tunia! The boy is remarkably brilliant!" Uncle Vernon bellowed.

Dudley rolled his eyes and walked out to finish working on the cure for cancer. It's really just an extra hobby.

Harry now had crawled over to a table and began to wail. Aunt Petunia walked over toward him, knelt down and started to jingle her keys.

Anyway, since the authors needed a plot device, they decided to go to King's Cross, never mind the fact that it was a week until September 1st. So they waited for the train. Harry played with the keys for the entire week. Dumbledore appeared out of nowhere and looked at Harry.

"We are so screwed."

And then he left.

And then the train came at last.

So then they met the Weasleys and Harry met Ron. And Harry looked at Ron and thought he was an idiot, just like Harry .Harry had a new friend! Yay!

So then they got on the train (and Harry and Ron cried, naturally).

Then Hermione walked in and sat with them because she's antisocial and didn't even want to make an effort to have some actual friends. And because she felt sorry for them. Because they are obviously extremely stupid. Ron cried some more. Hermione shifted around awkwardly and then read Hogwarts: A History for the millionth time.

Voldymoldy randomly showed up on the train.

"IMMA KEEL YOU FOO!"

And then he left. Harry and Ron simutaneously cried. Hermione sighed.

Then they got to Hogwarts , because the authors needed a plot device . Again. So Dumbledore saw Harry and took another swig of his beer. That's the Boy Who Lived? he thought. Well, I guess he could be trained to be normal .Then the sorting began, McGonagall said some other dudes' names . Then she called "Granger, Hermione." and Hermione sat on the giant toad because they were too cheap to buy a stool. "GRYFFINDOR!" Shouted the hat. Hermione ran to the Gryffindor table while the other Gryffindors were sleeping and drooling on their tables. Then some other insignificant characters that are never referred to ever again were called and then McGonagall called "Potter, Harry!"

Harry crawled to the toad and couldn't figure out how to put the hat on, so McGonagall had to help him. The hat whispered into Harry's ear "Well, you seem like you should be in Slytherin. They take the meanest people. You are EVIL!" Harry started to blubber.

"Fine, fine, fine. I'll put you in Gryffindor. Are you happy? Good. GRYFFINDOR!" shouted the hat.

Harry crawled to the Gryffindor table while everybody cheered at the 'genius' before them. Harry grinned. "I is a smarticles Harry!" He proclaimed . Everyone else clapped half-heartedly after seeing what an idiot he truly was.

Then a few more insignificant characters …Then came "Weasley, Ronald," who was just as insignificant as the other people. Ron crawled to the toad but it took a while because he didn't know where to sit. It ended up that McGonagall had to carry Ron to the toad and jam the hat on his head. It took very long because Ron tore up the hat because it told him he had to go into Slytherin. So Dumbledore had to go on Amazon(They rush ordered it) to buy another one. But they gave him a fake one, so he just told Ron to go into Gryffindor. Ron crawled his way to the Gryffindor table, and yet again he didn't know where to sit so Dumbledore (who was very drunk) carried Ron on to the table rather than the dinner chairs.

Then food appeared on the tables, Ron ate all the food around him without any utensils and he was too lazy to get on his chair. Harry had hit his spoon at everyone at the Gryffindor table because he didn't know how to use it until Hermione showed him, but that too took long . Harry met the Gryffindor ghost, Nearly Headless Nick. When Ron saw him he took off everything he was wearing except for his tightie-whities and ran around in circles and screamed "ME ON FIRE! ME ON FIRE!" Everyone was too lazy to tell him to stop so he did that for 2 hours. Then he got tired so he crawled on top of the table and started rocking like a baby. Harry asked Nick "Who creepy Slytherin doof?" pointing to a boy with sleek blond hair and looked like a mugger who was selling drugs and was drinking a lot of alcohol. Nick sighed "Do I have to tell you everything, idiot? His name is Draco Malfoy and he has a brain unlike you," He continued to lecture Harry about being stupid for 15 minutes.

Harry didn't understand most of the things Nick said, but he barely knew that the dude's name was Draco Malfoy, and he hated him. Unexpectedly, Ron had said with a mouthful of mashed potato "Ronnie no like creep. Ronnie like shiny keys." And then began to eat food off of Hermione's plate.