He sits in the captain's chair, one foot on the console. He looks up at the column, the tubes moving up and down in a steady rhythm. He was alone. For the first time in two years, he was completely…alone.
He had always traveled with companions. Always. So he never had to be alone again. So he could forget his pain. So he could forget Gallifrey. So he could forget the Time War. So he could…forget.
But now he was alone. Thoughts raced in his head. Faces rushed through in his mind. Donna was gone…and Rose…Rose…
Sadness clutches at his chest, ripping apart his hearts. Seeing Rose fall toward the Void…as she was falling, he was loosening his grip as well…she wasn't going to suffer in the Void alone. If she had gone in, he would have too.
Rose. Sweet Rose. The pain in his chest increases, making him gasp. He had known pain, he had seen death, but loosing Rose…it was like loosing Gallifrey all over again. Only…this felt worse. Because he couldn't tell anyone how he felt about Rose.
He stands, clutching the console edge until his knuckles turn white.
Love. That's what he feels for her. He loved – no, loves Rose Tyler.
A sob escapes from his chest, and his vision blurs from unshed tears. He has lost the most important thing in the universe to him.
"You should have told her, you idiot," he hisses at himself, blinking rapidly. "What were you so scared of?"
He grits his teeth as he thinks of all the opportunities he had. He could have told her after his regeneration. He could have told her on New Earth. He could have told her when they were orbiting the black hole, right before he fell. He could have told her when she came back from him, to Torchwood. Why did he have to wait to the last minute to tell her…and he never got the chance.
"I love you…"
She said it without thinking. Because she knew. She wasn't a coward like he was.
Anger, red-hot anger replaces the sadness. He is angry with himself. He is angry at Torchwood. He is angry with the Cybermen. He is angry with the Daleks. But, most importantly, he is angry at the universe.
He grabs a wrench and flings it at coral column. "Why did you take her from me?" he screams at the universe. "Haven't I paid enough?"
The anger and loss overtakes him, he can't find the strength to stand. He sinks to his knees, grabbing at the grate. His fingers slip through the holes, the metal cutting into his hands. But he doesn't feel the pain.
He closes his eyes to try to block on the pain, but that just made it worse. All he can see is her face. Her blond hair whipping in the wind, her smile, her laugh that could light up a room. The way she would tease him about, oh, well, anything.
He sobs again, tears flowing from his eyes. "Rose," he whispers, opening his eyes. "I am so sorry."
He stands, wiping the dust and blood from his hands. He decides he would be numb. The universe wouldn't take from him ever again.