I know how much you all love holiday specials so I've decided to give my adoring fans a reason to adore me even more. And a few good laughs for all the haters out there, sounds good? Then it's my pleasure to present to you the one and only "Christmas at Pride Rock": 1
Today started off as a positively wonderful day with the sun shinning brightly, not a cloud in the sky, a gentle breeze passing by, the birds singing sweetly2, strange flaming objects falling from the sky… birds singing sweetly.
"Wow! What is that!" Simba called, already racing towards what looked like a blazing pile of metallic rubble.
"Wait!" I called after him; once again I was left to be the 'royal' babysitter3. Which meant that if the little gremlin burned up in smoke Mufasa would make sure would be next in line…and I don't mean next in line to be king. I reluctantly followed, not to say that I wasn't equally interested in the extraterrestrial object, it's just that I value life4.
"Look at this!" the fur-ball stared in awe as the flames began to recede revealing an astounding winged contraption the size of a hippo.
"No, don't touch it!" I yelped in alarm as the blundering imbecile extended his paw to touch the thing. And being the obedient cub that he was, he took heed of my advice and cautiously drew back...well of course I'm being sarcastic.
"Aah!" he shrieked as the still hot surface seared his paw, and then he took heed of my advice and cautiously drew back. Just in time too, only a few moments later a scorched panel fell to the ground with a heavy thud sending sparks in our direction. The panel revealed a dark cave-like cavity unlike anything I had ever laid eyes on. The walls were even and level like the still waters of a pond, yet retaining a surreal metallic sheen. But what mainly drew my attention was a brightly furred creature propped between an oddly shaped ledge and some other bizarre contraption that flashed with red lights. Judging by their inertness and the blood trickling down their foreheads I doubted that they would pose any danger, yet thought it would be best to approach them with caution5.
"Is it dead?" Simba asked, huddling behind me while he tentatively licked his paw.
"Don't touch it, you don't know where it's been," I told him.
"Eew! Why would I touch a dead thing, that's gross! So, are we going to check it out or what?"
"A winged cave that fell from the sky is no place for young cubs."
"C'mon Uncle Scar, what if there's something really cool inside! I bet dad would let me go in!"
"Somehow I highly doubt that," I sighed.
"We aren't going to just leave it here are we?" he went on.
"That is exactly what we're going to do, if you have a problem with that go write a letter," I replied.
"I can't write and you can't read!" he retorted.
"What's your point?"
"It's not fair!" the capricious cub complained.
"Life's not fair and you have to live with that fact just like the rest of us."
"I'll do whatever I want and you can't stop me!"
"Well then, by all means go ahead and get your self killed. And feel free to scream in pain while you burn alive, although I doubt it'll do you much good."
"Oh yeah? Well dad said you have to look after me and that means you're coming too!"
"Really? I could always tell Mufasa you were a naughty little boy who wouldn't listen to his uncle and found himself in a world of trouble; tragically there was nothing I could have done to save him."
"That's lying!"
"What's your point?"
Simba said nothing, responding only with a pestered glower. I knew it would be impossible to convince him to leave the darn thing alone. He was so used to getting his way all the time that it turned him into a positively uncontrollable child. If o his parents didn't spoil him rotten it would have made my job a lot easier.
"Alright, I'm coming," I replied.
I hesitantly tested the floor of the otherworldly cave before taking the first step inside. Unlike the outer shell, it was mildly cool and so presumably safe to walk on, allowing me to take another step. The cavity seemed much bigger from the outside, the cramped space gave me an unsettling feeling that made me doubt that wandering inside was such a great idea.
Before I could adjust to the surroundings I caught sight of Simba prodding open a door at the back side of the side of the cave. I was about to protest when-
"Wow! What are those?" he exclaimed. Would the surprises never end? A grand assortment of curious objects was piled inside the cave's compartment. Many of them resembled a miniaturized plump version of the inert creature we found, except he had red fur and a disorderly white mane. Others looked like odd black and white birds or gazelle with disoriented horns. They all lay motionless while their glazed eyes stared at us with vacant expressions. Simba bit into one of the plump red ones, then spat with disgust. The thing fell back into the pile, bearing a set of teeth marks.
"It tastes like dirt!" he complained.
"If they were so plentiful, delicious, and easy to catch they wouldn't be here would they," I remarked.
"Yeah, I guess. Let's go home now, this place sucks," he said rather crestfallen, he likely had his hopes set on finding a treasure trove of fresh kill, as if that would ever happen.
"About time," I replied, gladly exiting the cave.
Once we returned Simba gave everyone a full recap of the day's events and of course sparked their interests. And so the pride was lead to the contraption, I also decided to come along just to see how they would react to such a thing.
"It is to make them fly because they have no wings, it carries them in its belly!" the monkey explained, referring to his extensive knowledge of just about everything. No one knew were he got his facts, but he was right more often then not. I suppose he had a lot of connections to be so well informed, unlike mine who knew little more than what I told them.6
"Where did they come from?" Sarabi asked.
"They are not from around here, but I heard that they are many. They live far from the Pride Lands so they are rarely seen. I cannot tell you why they have come, even I do not know the answer to that," Rafiki replied.
But after seeing the other small motionless creatures inside the monkey was able to give us more of an explanation. The smaller creatures inside the compartment were not creatures at all but toys and ornaments made for a special occasion called 'Christmas'.
"They must have been delivering them somewhere before the giant shiny bird-thing crashed!" Nala added, the fur-ball's bothersome companion.
"Likely so," spoke Mufasa. "So what are we going to do with it?"
"You are the king, the choice is yours," said Rafiki.
"Wouldn't it be awesome if we celebrated Christmas? We don't get nearly enough holidays!" Simba offered, looking around for approval.
"Yeah! It'll be so much fun!" Nala cheered, bouncing with glee.
"Christmas in the Savannah? I have never heard anything more absurd!" 7I protested, kicking aside a glass sphere filled with white powder floating around a miniature box-like cave.
"I don't see why not," Sarabi smiled, nuzzling her son.
"Can we dad?" Simba pleaded.
"But Simba, we don't even know what were supposed to do on 'Christmas'," Mufasa told him, hoping his son wouldn't be too disappointed.
"Look over here!" Nala called, dragging behind her what looked like a large brightly colored leaf cut like a square.
"These creatures sure love their straight edges and right angles," Zazu remarked, settling on Nala's shoulder to get a closer look. The leaf showed a picture of creatures crowding around a prickly looking tree decorated in colorful spheres and ornaments.
"Quite a peculiar scene," the bird concluded.
"This poster represents that Christmas is a holiday about giving and spending time with family," Rafiki clarified. "See those boxes under the tree? They are gifts to be opened on-"
"Oh joy, just what we need, more family fun," I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah, sounds a bit clichéd don't you agree sire?" Zazu addressed the king.
"Well I think it's a lovely idea, I'm sure the kids would really enjoy it," Sarabi spoke up.
"Then it's decided, tomorrow the pride shall celebrate our first Chirstmas!" Mufasa announced.
"Tomorrow! Can't we celebrate it today?" Simba asked.
"But what about presents? I don't think I'll be able to find you one in just one day," the king told his son.
"Ok dad. C'mon Nala let's go look for presents, were going to find one for everyone!" the fur-ball called to his friend and they both set off, but this time Zazu was the one who had to follow them around. I knew I would regret looking about the great contraption. Now I was left with another tiresome task that I could possibly assign to my dimwitted cronies.
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"Let me get this straight, you want us to find presents for an entire pride of mangy lions!" Shenzi looked quite discontent.
"That's right, so you better get to work," I replied.
"You're so weird Scar, what made you turn all nicey-nice, huh?" Banzi asked.
"Let me explain it again, this stupid errand was forced upon me by an idiot of a king, and now I'm forcing it upon you. I hope I won't have to hear any objections."
"Oh, that explains things…hey! Why are we stuck doing it, what's in it for us?"
"Do you need to be persuaded?" I grabbed him by the neck and dangled him from the towering escarpment upon which he recently stood.
"No, I'm good," he replied nervously.
"I thought you would have a change of heart, once you get a push in the right direction," I smirked, eyeing the ground below that would probably be a long way down for a filthy disobedient scavenger.
"So where do you expect us to find this stuff?" asked Shenzi.
"Be creative, I know you'll think of something."
"creative… creative…I've got nothin', how about you Shenzi?" spoke Banzi.
"Ditto, Ed?" she glanced at Ed who nodded his head excitedly before running off, closely followed by the others two hyenas. They swiftly returned with a bundle of decaying skulls and bones that they laid down before me.
"This good enough for ya?" said the female of the trio.
"Hm, I suppose so. I doubt you could do better," I picked up one of the bones then threw back into the pile.
"They could even make nifty hats!" Banzi placed a shattered gazelle skull on his head and one on Ed's.
"Now all that remains is hauling it over to Pride Rock without being noticed. I suggest you do it once it gets dark."
To be continued8….
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1 But why not do a special on Hanukkah, Eid, or all the other multicultural holidays, why is it always Christmas? Because us lions don't know a thing about any of that stuff, it doesn't get nearly as much commercial advertising.
2 Holiday specials always start sappy, mushy or cutesy and end with retarded morals, so I'm just going with the genera. Thankfully I was kind enough to leave out the elves in tight pantyhoses. How about a round of applause?
3Either that or taking on the role of official 'poop scooper'. Luckily Zazu had the honors.
4 Alright, alright…I value my life. Well someone has to, since everyone is too busy moping about how poor Mufasa hit the dust. But when I faced a similar fate suddenly it was all sunshine and rainbows, on queue with the singing and merry music. Such a scene teaches children it is ok to kill people just because they're better looking…and other not so important reasons that I won't bother mentioning. I was undoubtedly the most handsome lion of the pride, eh? grin And I don't mean when I was the only lion.upside-down grin
5Not the Christmas special you were expecting, don't worry it will get more 'Chirstmasy' soon…once we get past the dead bodies.
6 Which is how I'd like to keep it.
7 Well maybe I have, but this is definitely in the top ten along with me being in a Broadway where I have a thing for Nala. Leave it to humans to think up something like that.
8 Is the retardedness of holiday specials killing you? Will there be no one left to read what happens next?…Or is there no one left who cares what happens since Christmas is an overrated holiday made to make you spend! If think this was a total bore not worth your time, let me tell you a useless facts to finish it off! 1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. 2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. 3. Stressed is Desserts spelled backwards and Papaphobia is the fear of Popes.